Trip Report

First Mushroom Trip Report

Sunday, March 4th 2018 around 5pm I ingested about 20g of wet, premature shrooms (yes I'm an impatient fuck and couldn't wait for the veil to break). I didn’t really have a clear intention for this trip other than to see what it was like and vaguely “find truth”. In the future I will be much more clear with my intentions as well as not trip after a long day. Those two things aside, I think I had a fantastic trip and what happened is as follows. I picked them off of one of the two fruiting cakes that I currently have and put them all in my mouth and chewed at once. This was a very bad idea and I almost gagged at the bitter mushroomy taste. I have eaten all kinds of cooked mushrooms as well as panaeolus cinctulus and chlorophyllum molybdites (which I wouldn’t recommend) and these were by far the worst tasting. I was able to chew and chew then find water to wash them down. I quickly walked down from my dorm on the fourth floor to my fiance’s car. I was having her tripsit for me and at about fifteen minutes after ingestion she joined me in the car. We decided to get gas before leaving since we had just driven cross-state for six hours and I remember looking at my hands and seeing the colors a bit better. I also felt extremely heavy and remember several times thinking to myself “i would move, but then i’d have to hold my body in position for a while and that’s hard”. There was a section of veins that formed a heart in my hand and I had to confirm with my fiance that it was indeed there and I wasn’t hallucinating yet. It was there, though only mildly and perhaps my altered state helped me recognize it. We drove through Taco Bell and got food for her since I had been fasting most of the day and she hadn't eaten yet. The Taco Bell drive through lets out near my University with a huge stained glass window in a chapel on top of a small hill with several trees out front. I could see swirling patterns in the trees across the street as well as in the grass, unfortunately the chapel was blocked by the trees so the stained glass wasn’t very visible. After this we drove to a nearby park that is almost always empty. I don’t remember much of the ride other than a sense of nausea that was quickly beginning to fade. I had to use the restroom and there was one at this park. Once we arrived and I got inside the restroom there was peeling paint over the concrete floor and this was where the visuals really began to kick in. I could see the spots of grey concrete moving like bubbles across the blue painted floor. I remember the little grey dots flowing in circular streams towards a big patch of exposed concrete and I realized that I was for sure tripping at this point. I took a moment to look at the walls to see if I could see first hand what this “walls breathing” phenomenon looked like. The walls were definately breathing, seeming to expand and contract like a living organism.  I took a look at myself in the mirror and confirmed that my pupils were HUGE. I recalled someone saying that transitions on psychedelics were pretty weird so I prepared myself to open the bathroom door and be greeted by the outside world. After I exited the restroom I got my first experience with a transition on a psychedelic and I can affirm that yes it is an incredibly strange experience. Opening the restroom door I was instantly hit with the color and light from outside. I felt like I was being shown an entirely new world. I stumbled a bit trying to get back to the car and remember standing in the doorway for quite a bit just looking at the park. There was a lake and a landingstrip in a middle clearing with a highway on one side of the park and trees bordering on all other sides. I remember the dead tree branches swirling and dancing as I looked at them. The sky was a gorgeous icy-blue color and few slim clouds that were in the sky took my breath away. Even two days later, looking up to the sky invokes a reverence for the beauty of it that I haven’t felt in a very long time, if ever. My fiance tells me that I “danced around a bit” before returning to the car, during which time I was looking at the sidewalk, the grass, and a nearby tree enjoying my new pair of chemical binoculars.  After returning to the car, I opened the door and asked my fiance if we could walk around a bit. At first I took the lead and walked us towards a pavilion with some evergreens surrounding it. I asked her where the trails were since we had been before and she lead my the other way to where the trails began. A short trail lead further back into the woods, there was a walking-trail-sized valley in between two raised sides of ground with several tires in various stages of disrepair along the trail. I remember telling my fiance it looked like the tires were sinking into the ground, then realizing that they actually were doing that IRL. There was exposed red earth along the trail that was cracked due to being so dry. It had recently rained however, so the ground was wet while maintaining the cracks from when it had been dry. The ground was breathing and I spent quite some time starting at the many cracks which to me looked like an infinite fractal maze which extended all the way down to the smallest levels I could see. Sort of like you see in those computer-generated “trip simulators” or whatever. At this point I began to feel a bit overwhelmed and I sat down on the ground and tried to get my bearings back. I remember hearing everything moving around and seeing not a whole lot of visuals after that. I was feeling intensely heavy and ended up laying down on the grass. My fiance had gone to the restroom after I sat down and came back at this point. I said I wanted to go to a different park where we could see the sun setting over a lake (West Texas sunsets on shrooms are absolutely gorgeous). I don't remember much of the drive there but once we arrived the place was packed. We ended up parking near the side of the park and there was a group of African children singing in swahili and dancing around (found out later that this wasn’t a hallucination and actually a thing that happened). I exited the car and walked down to the rocky beach by the water. The temperature was dropping and the wind was picking up. This combination made the cold very unpleasant and even slightly painful so I quickly resolved to go back into the car. This is the point where things kinda get fuzzy in my mind. I remember sitting in the car watching the sky explode in hundreds of different colors. I may make a painting of what this was like at some point although I am a bit hesitant to do this as I feel my meager artistic talent wouldn’t be able to do justice to it. During this time the question “what am I” and “what do I do” were circling in my mind. I remember having an epiphany that I was a hairless ape-monkey and this is what hairless ape-monkeys did, they found another hairless ape-monkey and loved them and spent the rest of their lives with them. This doesn’t nearly explain the depth of emotion that I felt but I could feel the millions and millions of others who had come before me that had done the exact same thing pouring that love from their relationships into mine. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I believe this was healing from the last psychedelic experience I had in which my fiance invited another guy I had never met to come hang out with her and I after I had already taken what I thought to be LSD (actually NBOMe) which lead to a rather unpleasant and painful experience for all involved. This affirmation that what I was doing was what we had done forever and that it was the right thing to do was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life. After some time I began to slide down in the chair and remember having little control over it, or perhaps I could control it but just didn’t care. As I slid down, I remember my sense of “me” beginning to fade away, I seem to remember leaving myself and wanting very much to be asleep. I fought the urge to sleep as I didn't want to waste this experience and I lost track of time (I believe it was dilating quite a lot because only 30-45 minutes passed in real life and I felt what felt like hours go by). During this time, I am tempted to say that I had an ego-death-lite. I say it wasn't an ego death because to me it didn't feel as though I lost who I was or I stopped existing as an individual, I had a very real sense that I could remember who I was and what things I had done if I wanted to, but i just didn't want to at the time and instead preferred a state of no-mind or thoughtlessness. I never actually tried to remember who I was or anything about me until later, so I’m not sure whether this feeling was truth or not. I remember my fiance trying to talk to me and not being able to speak back. It felt like words were getting lost between my mind and my mouth. I could understand and form responses, but I could get them out of my mouth and ended up just mumbling and not communicating very well. After this I remember a gradual sensation of realizing I was back in my body. I moved different parts of it like they hadn't been under my control in years. I would think about my arm and hand and move them with seemingly no effort and I was extremely surprised, as if I didn’t expect to be able to change anything. I remember seeing if I could move other things like the trees or rocks nearby but was unable to. I took this to mean that I was only in control of this one hairless monkey-ape and as I came to, I felt the need to vomit. I told my fiance this and stepped outside the car into the biting cold. I remember gazing around then remembering that the night sky was supposedly a great place to look on psychedelics (I hadn’t seen the sky since the sun went down due to my low position in the car). I remember seeing stars and then little glitches which looked like holes in the sky revealing swirls of galaxies, but could also be described as looking like artifacting which is a graphical glitch computers have. After failing to throw up after several attempts at coaxing it out, I decided I didn’t really need to throw up and got back in the car. At this point, My fiance tried to lay down with me, but this didn’t last long as it was quite uncomfortable for her. As I laid down, I began to think about how I would rather be laying in bed in my room. I told her this and we began to head back towards home (She later told me that she wasn’t going to let me just leave like that as it wasn’t even 8pm yet and I was less than three hours into the trip).. As we were driving back I realized this would be a terrible idea since my roommate was there and likely going to be yelling at his computer for the next few hours. After a bit of deciding, we chose to go to Walmart to get a face mask my fiance wanted and get cash back to pick up some cannabis and I wanted to smoke and try to get back to where I was before. Ultimately this kind of worked but the cannabis caused quite a bit of confusion, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My fiance went into Walmart after we sat in the parking lot for a bit to get a face mask and cash back for the weed. This probably took 10-15 minutes in total, during which time an old lady walked right in front of the car and stopped to stare at her phone for a while. My brain was still not used to being in this body and I began to get scared and feel bad since I had just texted our dealer telling him we would be there in fifteen minutes expecting the trip to Walmart to take no less than five. After probably five or ten minutes the old lady moved the six feet to her car and got in. While she was standing outside her car I texted my fiance asking what was going on and she told me she was shopping for underwear which made me explode a little bit with negative emotions. I felt scared and neglected like she had forgotten that she was my trip sitter and had instead decided to go shopping while I was still very much in the experience. Trying to text on my phone was difficult as my fine motor skills were fairly affected and I kept fat fingering extra letters into my words. I was able to navigate to the messaging app fairly easily, thank the Android Gods that the pixel has fingerprint unlock and my texting app was immediately visible after I touched the back of the phone, otherwise I might have spent half an hour trying to navigate where I wanted to. After my fiancé returned to the car some 5 minutes later we started driving to our dealers house and I had to give directions since she isn't super familiar with abeline roads. This was possibly the worst set of directions I have given in my life. I'm pretty sure I said "go that way, then turn left at the thing". If anyone else had been trip sitting that would have likely been useless information, but through hand motions and grunts, I was able to circumvent the jungle of other thoughts and activity going on between my mind and my mouth. Speech was beginning to come back to me at this point, but I didn't yet have full control of language and words felt like they would slip away from me as I constructed the sentence I wanted to say in my head. I was unable to find the word for "road" or "street" for a while which is what caused the main confusion with my directions. Anyway after arriving at the apartment complex where we were headed, we went up to our dealer's apartment. He was alone which is a rarity, but I was very happy to not have to interface with others. He's a pretty cool dude and I wasn't worried about tripping around him since he a hand drawn picture and of shrooms and acid on his wall so I figured he wouldn't be freaked out. He hooked us up pretty and I let him know mushrooms were in my system and to hit me up later if he wanted any (idk why I said this b/c I barely grew enough for my fiance and I, probably just trying to share where I was with others). After this we drove back to campus to get a way to smoke the weed as we had taken all the paraphernalia out of her car so i wouldn't be scared of a cop pulling us over during the trip. Anyway we get back to my car and I roll us a blunt which I was able to do somehow with relative success even in my current state. When I started smoking the boundaries between my objective and subjective reality again began to blue and the thoughts in my head became just as, if not more important to me than what my fiance was talking about. She decide to go get sushi and the drive down there was when this line started blurring. Just before we were at the restaurant, a cat ran into the road and disappeared into the headlights of an oncoming car. We saw it running back and forth for a bit and immediately pulled off the road. It's important to the story that it is understood that my fiance and I are illogically emotionally connected to cats. Both of us grew up with them and seeing one presumably get hit by a car was rather traumatizing to her (she had asked if it was okay to smoke weed since she was sitting me when we got it and I told her that's be fine so she was a bit stoned at this point) and absolutely devastating to me in my current state. I remember my brain trying to make sense of what just happened and rid itself of the physical discomfort and pain that comes with intense negative emotions. After parking the car and searching for a few minutes we were forced to conclude that the cat had gotten away and must be okay. I recalled when my family watched my cat get hit by a car then return home the next night perfectly fine and tried to use this to reassure both of use. She went to McDonald's afterwards because she was hungry and while we were in line my brain began racing and trying to get rid of this emotional and physical pain. I again began to lose control of language as my internal dialog became so loud that I would miss entire sentences said by my fiance. My mind went to my brother's cat who had died by being hit by a car several hours after I found her bleeding from the nose and mouth. This sent me spiralling into what could have been thought loops? Basically I would just keep coming back to what felt like this big dark thing in my psyche which I somehow knew was the terrible event that I had just seen. During this time different parts of my internal dialog were being chosen, seemingly at random, to come out of my mouth which caused it to look a bit like I had "unlocked my schizophrenia" as my fiance put it. While we sat I remember she offered me some chicken nuggets and fries and I just felt like eating that would be poisoning myself. I told her that I would probably be eating better in the future since like I ate a small handful of mushrooms and they did this to me, so I didn't want to even think about what the McDonald's would do to me that I wasn't aware of. We began to head home after some time sitting there since neither of us was super confident in our ability to drive. She sobered up after eating and then we drove home. The end of my mushroom trip sort of got muddled into just being stoned so I'm not really sure when it was over, the rest of the night saw me getting spooked in my school parking lot when someone pulled up and left their headlights on for five or ten minutes pointed at me. I thought they had seen my rolling another blunt and were calling the cops (this isn't really out of the realm of possibility since I go to private Baptist university in West Texas). This caused me to freak out and drive to a nearby taco Bell, then finish rolling and light the blunt only to drive around confused for a minute, (it was clear I wasn't completely off the mushrooms yet). I ended up deciding to drive to Whataburger since I usually go there rather often. Once I arrived and was sitting in the drive though I began to think about actually eating anything from there and the same feeling of not wanting to eat garbage came back. I smoked in the parking lot for a bit then started to drive home. I forgot what I was doing and drove past the school then pulled into a walmart parking lot and sat there for fifteen minutes or so. During this time of driving around I was getting rather angry at myself at all the school work I was behind on. I remember telling myself I had to finish all of it tonight. I was rather angry and upset about this and I remember telling myself "you keep saying this'll get done, fucking do it" this would continue for some time until I told myself that I needed to be sober to do any real work that wouldn't have to just be redone later. My fiance had left after the incident with the cat since she had homework to do and she texted me now asking if I was alright. I told her yes and that I wanted an apple but didn't know if I should get it or just go home. I started driving home since I thought she would be upset I was still out and driving around but to my surprise she offered to send me money to buy apples. I drove to the other Walmart (the one I was at was a neighborhood market and I drove to a super-center maybe seven minutes away). After a trip inside I came home and laid in bed for quite a bit before falling asleep.