If you promise to stay, I promise to never leave!

Jan 15th, 2017
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  1. Forgive me Padre, for I have sinned.
  2. I have once again sought out the writings of Andre, and I am about to spread that pain with my fellows. May I earn forgiveness in the afterlife.
  4. That's right, traps and gentlemen, we're going to have a look at chapter one of "If you promise to stay, I promise to never leave!", the newest labour of Andre, a German fanfiction author and renowned butcher of the English language. After what appears to be a breakdown and withdrawal from FimFiction, he has returned to grace us with another creation.
  5. The fic is currently in progress, and receives frequent updates.
  6. He's in his early twenties now, and seems to be a harsher person, so maybe this fic will be of higher quality?
  8. The tags are Teen, Sex, Human and Sad, so you know we're in for a sad story of teen beastiality. But to be fair, every story with the tags "Human" and "Sex" are almost without exception sad, for reasons the author didn't intend.
  12. As always, we start with the fic description:
  13. >Rainstorm, she was the cutest, hottest and sexiest Pony in Ponyville.
  14. Pic related is Andre's (stolen) OC sloot waifu. All her characteristics are basically different ways to say "fuckable", so she sounds like a complex and engaging character.
  16. Let's talk about the basics of OC design here, and why this is already bad.
  17. First, the visual failings of Rheinstorm. The colour scheme, while not atrocious, is still pretty bad, and it fails at the one thing OCs nearly always does; it doesn't look at home with the show aesthetic. The hair stripe and the hoodie is just another thing that makes it look like a ponification of a human, not an actual in-universe character. Rheinsturm, even if she had been written competently, still comes off as a special snowflake just because of her look.
  18. Then it's the fact that all characteristics attributed her are basically the same thing (she looks good), and that everything is superlative. She isn't cute, she's THE CUTEST, and at that point all my well-honed Mary Sue senses are already fucking tingly.
  19. There's fundamentally not a whole lot of difference between Regensturmtruppen and my new red and black OC Strongstorm, who's "the strongest, deadlift-iest and most powerfulest Pony in all of Ponyville".
  23. >Some colts said, she is even sexier than Rainbow Dash.
  24. That's not an especially high bar. But I know that Andre is a raging Dashfag, so I this means a lot to him.
  26. >Even some females fell in love.
  27. We're four sentences into the description and it's already like some gay harem anime. Unless those are male only, I wouldn't know.
  29. >But she promised herself one thing. Waiting until the perfect colt is coming.
  30. Calling it now, it's going to be Andre's self insert.
  31. memearrow no lesbians
  33. >She did not want, that everyone thought, she is only a whore for everypony here in Equestria.
  34. What level of slutshaming is this? We all already know she's going to get some self insert dick inserted into her real fast, so let's no pretend that she's not going to crave dickings like a methhead craves his next score.
  36. >One day, after School, she met that strange creature, calleld human.
  37. "And she instantly felt an irrepressible need to bend over"
  39. >She had never seen him before ... and he caused butterflies in her stomach.
  40. No, that's just how Pegasi stay afloat, they consume large amounts of living butterflies to fly better.
  42. >Info:
  43. Protip: You probably shouldn't need to have this in your description.
  45. >No Pony/Human transformations.
  46. Good, now if we could only have no HiE at all, then everything would be hunky dory. It's seriously the saddest genre.
  48. >Sex is comming later.
  49. I'm taking bets now, is he going to write actual sex scenes or just have fade to black during the hot monkey dickings?
  53. >Chapter 1: I hate school!
  54. I'm already embarrassed on his behalf. Guess Andre didn't excel in school, seeing as "creative wankery" and "Call of Duty lore" aren't part of the German school curriculum. Or, I'm pretty sure that the second one isn't.
  56. This also makes me question how young our little Rainslut is, but I guess we'll find out.
  58. >It was a cold and stromy October morning.
  59. What drives people to write in first person like this? You aught to have a licence to write in anything that isn't third person, people are just going to fuck it up.
  61. >God I hated my study. I mean I finished School one year ago and with these good grades I thought I could start a study about our clima and Clouds and weather scientist.
  62. So she's in college? Uni? Horseuni?
  63. And I wonder what the bar for "weather scientist" is in Equestria. Maybe he's going to cram Rainbow Factory into this fic as well, he's already done it two or three times, without actually having read the very fic he's ripping off. Can't wait for the third incarnation of "Mister Woodentoaster".
  65. >I am not gonna say, I am a genius but I am also not stupid at all.
  66. This is why comma placement matters, or else you're going to sound like a genius who actually is stupid.
  68. >"Here your toast, Darling, some eggs and a nice hot strong coffe." Said my mum with her lovly smile.
  69. I still wont' accept that ponies eat eggs. Muh headcanon.
  73. >My mum was a wonderful Pony. She looked good, she cooked good and she had her heart on the right place.
  74. So she looks good, makes food, and is nice. And I can kind of understand why Andre would think these things are ideal characteristics for a mother, but what child wakes up, goes into the kitchen to eat, and thinks "Damn, my mom looks hot"?
  75. Motherfuckers, that's who. Is Andre a motherfucker? Is Rainstorm a motherfucker? Who knows, all I know is that I an already feel the depth in these characters' relationships.
  77. >My dad had a Job on the weather Station here in Cloudstale. He was a very busy pony, he wasn´t at home that much. I missed him sometimes.
  78. Mostly absent working father and hot housewife mother? This really is starting to sound like the intro to incest porn.
  80. >But I loved his Humor he Haß.
  81. I think this is proof that Andre, at some stage in the process, still uses Google Translate to make his fanfiction. Great.
  83. >After heaving breakfast, I went into the bathroom and took a hot shower, while having a shower I noticed Alain what a Great Body I have.
  84. Does... does she sometimes forget what she looks like? Will Rasinstorm sometimes just wake up in the morning totally unaware of her appearance? Does she sometimes go entire days without remembering her high degree of fuckability? Does she have the same retardation Dash has?
  85. The depth keeps piling on.
  89. >I styled my mane. I had a Brown mane with a purple stripe. I loved it. It made me feel cool.
  90. It makes her look the the protagonist of an indie game. Also we generally don't really need scenes of character dressing, at least not detailed, but I guess I should give him credit for trying to give her a bit of character. Failing is sometimes better than not trying, and HiE is a genre that generally just doesn't try anything interesting.
  92. >Most ponies run around naked.
  93. Thanks for the info, I didn't realise.
  95. >I knew a lot of Colts here would do everything only to jump with me into bed but these "wannabe adults" are acting like 12 years old
  96. But she's holding out for a "nice guy", right? I hope everyone realises exactly what kind of fantasy this is for Andre. He's creating a fantasy world where he, "the nice guy", will eventually get to powerfuck the hottest girl and deny all the "big boys" the top price. It's like an awkward highschooler's sex fantasy, except it's about ponies and written by someone who should be beyond this. But I'm not here to judge, this is FimFiction, we're all some breed of loser.
  98. >I gave my mom a quick kiss on her cheek and opened the door.
  99. I'm shipping Rainstorm X Rainstorm's Mom.
  101. >"Oh dad ..." I said and gave him a quick kiss too.
  102. Update: I'm now shipping Rainstorm X Rainstorm's Mom X Rainstorm's Dad. It's going to be a real cum circus.
  106. >"Bye Darling, and try to be nice to the teachers." Said my dad.
  107. >"AAAAAALWAYS DAD!" I said and left the house and closed the door.
  108. But you mean lecturers, right? She's not still in highschool?
  110. >"Hey Thunderbolt!" I greeted and give my marefriend a short huge.
  111. I usually give my boyfriends a tall small.
  113. >"Guess what...I dated Dazzleflash hihihihi." She said happily.
  114. Dazzleflash's parents named him in hopes that he would have a future within photography, instead their son is a serial-exposer and registered sex offender. But it's a real talent, as it's not easy to shockingly expose yourself in a nudist colony.
  116. >"Nah, he is so cute and sexy and aaaaaaw he is such a romantic too. If I could I would spend more time with him." Said Thuderbolt flying around like a Little filly which felt for his first time in love.
  117. You know, like a little male filly. Might as well call her Thundercolt.
  118. I can't even trust Andre to get character's genders correctly. Or anything correctly, really.
  122. >"Yes, because you are a fucking sexy Pony with a god damn hot ass. If I would be a colt, I could not stop thinking about that huge Thing too." Said Thunderbolt dry.
  123. THICC
  124. Ignoring for the moment how bad the dialogue is, "big fat ass" wasn't exactly the first thing that struck me when I saw what the OC looked like. It's not like there's hard to find art of ponies with huge asses out there, Andre could stand to dig up something to show us how he really intended the character to look.
  125. Also, it's nice to know that Andre is an ass man. Really needed that info.
  127. >"Test which test?" I asked confused.
  128. >"Ehm weather science?"
  129. "You know, the only fucking subject we have?"
  131. >FUCK! I FORGOT THAT TOTALLY. "Ehm ... no? Shit ... oh god dammit man." I said and sweat appeard on my forehead.
  132. >man
  133. It's already HiE. Save me, Jesus.
  135. >We landed at the Ponyville Weather Scientist School.
  137. Why isn't this a college fuckfic, Andre? Where they live in dorms and shit? You could even have a bit about Rainstorm having to hide the human in her dorm, and them falling for each other, and allying herself with the other ponies to keep him hidden or something like that. Maybe he can hide behind her huge ass? But here we just have the laziest of all fics, ones where everything is in Ponyville despite there being no apparent reason for it.
  139. Just try anything that isn't the most basic, uninspired shit. Please.
  143. >There were also some unicorns and earth ponies. Princess Celestia said, that everyponvy has the right to do every Job he/she wanted to do, so that was the reason, why there are all three classes of ponies.
  144. "Fucking Affirmative Action, fucking groundpunder degenerates!" Rainstorm yelled, once again angry that her race's rightful command of the Sky had been lost to the mudblood tribes. She wished she was back home, fucking her father to keep the bloodline pure.
  146. But the upside here is that, after something like three years, this is the first time I've seen him spell Celestia correctly. The era of Princess Cleracil is over.
  148. >"Hey Girls." I said.
  149. >"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey."
  150. >"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Said another one and we gave us each other huges.
  151. We need to stop, it's already obnoxious. You don't need to overdo it. Also learn to write "hug/hugs".
  153. >"Hey Rainstorm, how are you today. Oh you look so awesome again."
  154. "Yeah, I just woke up and remembered that my ass is huge" said Rainstorm, gently shaking her massive, gelatinous hindquarters for emphasis.
  156. >"Yea like always." Said the White Pegasus, called Snowfall.
  157. The gravitational pull of Rainstorm's rear is pulling the group closer together.
  159. >"Hey, did you ever meet this human creature from Earth called eeeeeeehm ... how was his Name again?" Asked Flame.
  160. So humans are just a fact of life, casually brought up in conversation? This is some of the laziest HiE I've ever seen.
  164. >"Stop dreaming Girls!" I said and laughed. "He is not even a Pony."
  165. >"And? Whats wrong with it?" Asked Flame.
  166. So how common are interspecies relationships in Equestria, because these normal characters seem to mostly have a pretty casual relationship towards fucking some weird monkey alien. It's like these normal girls are all bunch of cock-craving xenophiles.
  167. Just imagine if an actual talking horse was discovered and started lecturing in English. Sure, some of us here might want to fuck it, but normal people wouldn't think of it as attractive, nor would they easily be open for fucking it.
  168. Oh, I forgot, this is just Andre's self insert wish fulfilment.
  170. >A girly "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!" filled the room.
  171. The mere idea of human penis has already created its first collective orgasm. The autism is stronger than expected.
  173. >I have heard about this strange creature called human. He was a young Boy who landed here and can´t remember about anything.
  174. So he's just one creature from another dimension trapped in Equestria. Might not even be that uncommon considering how bonkers and magical the place is. I'm guessing his backstory is that he was drawn into Equestria by a trans-dimensional gravitational anomaly, caused by Rheinsturm's immense rump.
  178. >Twilight Sparkle released a book with more than 300 pages about him and his Kind.
  179. 300 pages if fucking nothing, even if he was a kid. Twilight would pressure the fucker into telling her way more than that, and then write a ton of pages of pure commentary. Or does Andre think that 300 pages is a long book?
  181. >It was really interesting, how this Alien and his race lived and how they surived ... but at the same time a bit scary about all this violent and war they had and have on their planet.
  182. Is this going to be more light misanthropy, where the fic both displays humans as awesome and sexy while still going on and on about how evil and violent humans are? That's just HiE 101 at this point.
  184. >I was never really interested about him, I never really cared about him
  185. >... it was a big mistake to do that!
  186. So is the mistake that she wasn't already riding his cock? Wouldn't that possibly do some serious pelvis damage to him, considering her sizeable rear assets?
  188. Either way, that's it for Chapter 1.
  189. It could have been worse.
  191. The worst thing about it is that I already feel like I know what the entire story is going to be about, and it's pretty evident just what kind of sex fantasy this is. This is wish fulfilment in its purest, and therefore perhaps least bothersome, form. I don't feel like I was supposed to read this, this story wasn't for me, it was made so that Andre could get an excuse to wank to his own text and get some sexy escapist pretendtime.
  195. 'd like to note that in the short description, Rainstorm is now called "the hottest pony in Equestria", and unless he's talking about her as of yet undescribed ability of spontaneous self-combustion, Rainstorm looks like some sort of fertility goddess, an Epona made flesh. Because that fully explains her proportions and her statistically unlikely beauty. She has an ass that can launch a thousand ships.
  197. Of course, a protagonist such as Austin Knight couldn't settle for anything less, could he? Imagine a love story where the girl was just the tenth sexiest woman in all of creation, or perhaps just ordinary good looking. That wouldn't be much of a story, would it?
  199. >Chapter 2: Austin Knight
  200. Austin Knight sounds like a parody name, it's that bad. He sounds like he could have a mullet.
  202. >School was over and I woke up from that boring last lesson.
  203. "Fuck going to voluntary higher education, I'm just going to sleep through my classes"
  204. I mean, I've done it, but you shouldn't.
  206. >This School was so depressive. My old School was filled with draws from the fillies and other stuff
  207. That might be because your last school was a preschool.
  208. So is this going to be a highschool/college/fucking whatever fic? How boring.
  212. >I don´t even know why I was sad sometimes. Sometimes I had the Feeling, I have to cry.
  213. Clear cut case of female hysteria, can be cured by medicinal application of penis to the vagina. And Dr. Knight is in town.
  215. >"Hey babe!" A male voice was Hearing from behind me.
  216. "Shut up, Ass, not in public" whispered Rainstorm, before checking if anyone around her had heard.
  218. >It was Dazzleflash.
  219. >He was one of the Colts who was not playing with Mares like the others.
  220. What's that supposed to mean? Because he's in a relationship with Thundercolt. Are you just saying that he's not a manslut, and that's why you like him? Rearsturm has a body made for sex, but she's such a puritan.
  222. >That made me a bit sad again. I wish, I would have a colt on my side who would like me too. Like how I am and not only because I am good to fuck.
  223. If only this candy-coated joyworld had any gentlemen left... Alas it seems all male ponies are horny weirdos, while Andre's self-insert is the perfect and noble "nice guy", ready to claim his sexual prize. I'm getting second-hand embarrassment just by reading this fic, it's some of the most transparent wish fulfilment I've seen.
  225. >"It is ok Darling. As I promised you, I might have a coltfriend now but that does not mean I leave you alone." Thunderbolt said and perform a smile on my face.
  226. How do you "perform" a smile on another person's face? Do you just grab their face and try to manipulate it into a kind of smile?
  230. >"Damn look at that flank!" Said a colt behind the Corner.
  231. You must excuse his amazement, it's not every day he sees an ass so huge that it's visible around a corner from the ass' owner.
  232. Rainstorm is legally required to make beeping sounds whenever she's walking backwards.
  234. >"SOMETHING WRONG?" Asked Thunderbolt, trying to defend me.
  235. Calm down, Thundercunt, he's just concerned that he might have found the world's largest tumour.
  237. >"Wow, stay cool man, we´ve just ..."
  238. I really should have addressed this by now, but I'll keep it short.
  239. The ponies in this fic, and many other bad fics, do not talk like ponies. They talk like "Dudes". It's lazy as fuck, and makes you unable to accept the fanfiction as part of the world it's supposed to be set in. If you're writing a fic, do yourself a favour and be conscious about how ponies actually talk.
  240. >inb4 Tree Hugger
  241. She's not exactly the norm. Everyone in this fic talks like that.
  243. >"Stop Stalking us you looser!" Said Thunderbolt and we left the School.
  244. >Stalking
  245. They're just in the same place as you. Calling out assets like that might be rude, but it's not stalking.
  247. >"See that is what I mean. At the beginning it was cool to be attractive to other Colts but now, I feel me like I am only a "Thing" you can have to have some fun." I said.
  248. Dialogue markers, how do they work?
  252. >We decided to get some hot coffee. The best Thing you could do was to drink some coffee after a hard School day.
  253. The life of a female in Andreland consists around drinking coffee, screaming with girlfriends, having unstable emotions, being fucked, and making food. Possibly at the same time.
  255. >"Hey what did you tick on Exercise number 5?" Asked Thunderbolt.
  256. >"A why?" I asked.
  257. >"Damn, I ticked D." She said.
  258. >"Why D? This didn´t make any sense?" I said.
  259. >"I did it because ... because I only ticked B, C, D from 1 to 5 over and over again and I thought I did not tick A once so this has to be the right answer." She explained.
  260. Brilliant. Are Pegasi just racially prone to mental deficiencies?
  261. Birdbrains.
  263. >"Oh yea ... makes sense now." I said giggled. Who hasn´t done this in a test before.
  264. Not since I was a little child.
  265. Also: Who the fuck has multiple-choice quizzes in higher education? What is this, middle school?
  266. Equestria has very lax standards for education.
  268. >The last Thing we wanted to check was the clothes shop and from this Moment, my whole life changed.
  269. The females also shop.
  271. >*UUUF*
  272. This is supposed to be the sound of two people crashing into each other. Never do this.
  274. >Than I saw him. A tall on two legs Walking creature.
  275. How do you not notice tall shaved monkey? I guess her severely limited "genius" mind was too preoccupied thinking about clothes and trying to remember what she looks like.
  279. >Hot Colts alert! Ok maybe not Colts but, damn he was hot and cute, and sexy and hot and nice and ... have I already mentioned HOT?
  280. Considering the amount of ass mass on Rainstorm, the impact must have been forceful enough to give her a head trauma, which again lead to spontaneous development of xenofetishism.
  282. >"I ... I ... I ehm ... it´s ok, it´s ok ... I ... I did not notice that you have all These b...books there ..." I stuttered like an idiot. Why am I suttering?
  283. Another sign of brain trauma. I wonder how Andre will spin this endearing story of a big-assed heroine with brain damage navigating a world filled with horny horses? Only time will show.
  285. >"Oh hey, you must be Thunderbolt, aren´t you? I have seen you on Sugarcube Corner at sommer I think." He said leaving his eyes from me and focused his eyes on my marefriend.
  286. Question: So Autism Knight has lived in Ponyville since he was a child, right? And Brainstorm also lives here, and has likely done so a significant portion of her life, right? How have these two never met? How has she never seen him before, in a town as small as Ponyville?
  288. >"And who are you? Oh sorry for my bad manners, I am Austin Knight. The Alien who felt from the sky." He joked.
  289. Imagine how much more fun this story would be if it was actually a love story between a braindamaged Pegasus bimbo and a Xenomorph.
  293. >"I ... I am Rainstrom." I stuttered again and shook his ... hoove? I don´t know what they are abut they felt soft, good and muscular
  294. They're called sensible evolution. Or Orgasminators, which I think is more appropriate for this story.
  296. >"Are you ok?" He asked. "You trembling? Do you feel cold?" He added. And he was right, without noticeing, my hooves trembled crazy.
  297. Her feet are about to collapse under her own weight.
  299. >What was going on with me? And did I feel so weird? No this ... this can´t be true, IT CANNOT!
  300. All your friends seem perfectly fine with monkey dick, so why is it weird if you fall in love with him? No one else cares.
  302. >"I ... we ... were on my way home to Cloudstale." I said acting like a complete idiot.
  303. >Cloudstale
  304. It's nice to see some Andreisms are still around.
  305. Going back to Chapter 1, it seems I missed that Stormdrain actually lives on a stale cloud, but it also says that Cloudsdale is 15 minutes from her school in Ponyville. So my point about the weirdness of her and Autism never meeting still stands.
  309. >"Aaaaah sorry, but I cannot, I have to care about my sick mom at home. My dad is still working and I have to look for her." I lied.
  310. "Y-you too" mumbled Andre Knight, while he tried to avoid eye contact.
  311. But seriously, why is she getting so buttflustered over her attraction to this alien? It makes sense "realistically" that a pony wouldn't find attraction to a human normal, BUT the fic has already normalised xenosexuality by showing how everyone's ready to gobble his cock. The fic can't both insist that everyone's fine with it and try to make it strange and alien at the same time.
  313. You're dropping some real spaghetti now, AssHorse.
  315. >"So yea ... it was nice to meat you Austin, but we have to go home now."
  316. >meat you Austin
  317. This isn't a typo, it's a brilliant and unorthodox usage of the English language to display Rainstorm's increasing cockhunger influencing her speech, giving us a glimpse into the character's mind.
  319. I must also say that this fic isn't made any better for me by the fact that the only person I know named Austin is a huge furry sperg.
  321. >"What the hell is going on with your Rainstorm?" Asked Thunderbolt dissapointed.
  322. >"Have you not seen how he was looking at me?" I asked.
  323. "He was undressing me with his eyes, or he would have been if I didn't exclusively wear clothes that do not obscure my genitalia and monstrous ass".
  327. >"What? Maybe he likes you, chill, he is ok, I know him personally. He is a good guy."
  328. So your friend knows him personally, in a small town, but you've never even seen him before?
  330. >"You LIKE this human, aren´t you?" She said and had the widest grin on her face I have ever seen.
  331. So what, everyone in Rearstorm's Squeel Brigade does? We've already established that wanting his man meat is far from uncommon.
  333. >"NO? How in the fuck? No Thunderbolt, please he is an Alien from another planet, how shall this even work? It is impossible to fall in love to another species. Or have you ever been dreamed about to be together with ... with a bird for example?" I said, trying to find an excuse.
  334. Andre, can you just fucking decide what this fic is going to be about? Are we cool or not cool with inter-species fucking? Why us Rainstorm the only one who is concerned about this? Even Thundercunt, who just taking regular old horsecock, things that fucking humans is okay.
  336. >"Maybe you should borrow and read Twilights book. "The human and his world." Then you will understand what I mean." She explained.
  337. But it's 300 pages, that might take like a year to finish!
  339. >"Maybe you are right. OK yes he might look cute BUT that does not mean, that I like him ok!" I said loud and clear.
  340. Attention all weebs, which kind of -dere is Sandstorm being right now?
  342. >"He does not have a "real" Job"
  343. Finally, definitive proof that this is Andre's self-insert. NEET in Equestria, a new low in human history.
  347. >"On the summer vocation he worked for Pinkie and in Spring he helped Apple Jack."
  348. I wonder if Applejack will ever show up in Andre's stories, or if he will ever tell us about this mysterious Apple Jack who is so often mentioned.
  350. >"They were the ponies who found him and helped him to find a place here. That´s why, don´t worry, I guess he is still single, I didn´t have seen him necking other Mares." Said Thunderbolt. Her stupid smirk returned.
  351. What the fuck does "necking" a mare means? Is he helping ponies hang themselves?
  353. >"Yea see you, and have fun with your coltfriend." I said, trying to annoy her. She only showed me her tongue and flew away and I was on my way back home.
  354. Always remember to give your bros tongue inspections from time to time.
  356. And that was Chapter 2, wherein our heroine develops a fetish.
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