Klutz Anon (RGRE)

Mar 3rd, 2018
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  1. >Be Anon
  2. >Coming out of the hospital for your third broken nose inside a few months of getting here
  3. >You think you'd figure out that doors are too short to just walk through but NOOOOO
  4. >This one really did a number too, your nose is still bent even after being set, and your eyes are turning more purple than Book Horse
  5. >Speak of the devil and her greatest servant appears before you
  6. >"Oh dear sweet Celestia, Anon! Who did this to you?"
  7. >You scratch the back of your head sheepishly
  8. >This wasn't the first time some pony thought that another pony did this damage to your face
  9. >Little did they know you were adept at hurting yourself by god!
  10. "Oh you know Twi, the doorframe. She's got a mean uppercut!"
  11. >Twilight gasps and her eyes go wider than saucers
  12. >"This isn't a laughing matter! How about you come over to my place for some tea. Would that make you more comfortable?"
  13. >Well that actually does sound comfy
  14. >And you didn't have anything to do today
  15. >AND Twalot was a pretty good pony
  16. "Sure Twi, when do you want me over?"
  17. >She pats your hand gently and gives you a warm smile
  18. >”Whenever you're ready, Anon. Just don't tell your marefriend okay?”
  19. >Implying you, the god-king of austists could contain your spaghettini long enough to land a marefriend
  20. >Though they did come up to you from time to time, you always ended up stumbling over your words more than your own shoelaces
  21. >Honestly you were worse than Fluttershy
  22. >And she was the worst one for it too!
  23. >Coming up and mumbling something about you both being mammals and Animal Planet or whatever
  24. >If she could just speak up a bit, you may even find her cute!
  25. >You arrive at your little house without further incident and, ducking the doorframe this time, manage to get inside without injury
  26. >Of course, once you're inside it's another story
  27. >Immediately, you stub your toe on an inconveniently placed wall and let out a yell that would make Tom blush
  28. >I mean come on, who puts a wall right where it's supposed to go?
  29. >Fucking ponies
  30. >After hopping around for a bit, you climb the stairs and head into your room
  31. >With your shirt covered in blood from your broken nose, you had to change after all
  32. >Got to make a good first impression!
  33. >Hmmm, choices choices
  34. >The white shirt with black jacket, or white shirt with the slightly darker black jacket?
  35. >Rarity didn't exactly have much reference material for what humans wore, and you didn't exactly have the money to complain when she turned out three nearly identical copies of your suit
  36. >'Oh no darling, that one is a black tuxedo for formal affairs, that one is a dark grey for more casual wear, and that one is a light black for business!'
  37. >God damn dress horse
  38. >You decide on the black jacket, less formal
  39. >As you pull it over your face, you get your head stuck in the neck hole
  40. >No of course you hadn't unbuttoned it, that would be a little too advanced
  41. >As you stumble around while trying to get free, you bash your hands against various surfaces
  42. >Finally you get free and proudly go to walk out the door
  43. >And promptly slam your cheek into the door
  44. >You string a series of curses together that would probably have you shot anywhere in the world
  45. >At least you live alone
  46. >You go into the bathroom and see the fresh scrape marring what little of your face was left undamaged
  47. >Looking down, you realize your hands are bruised as well from being bashed so many times
  48. >Damn iron deficiency
  49. >You needed to find a source of broccoli at some point
  50. >But now was not the time for greens, unless it was green tea!
  51. >That was bad and you feel bad
  52. >Walking out the door, again avoiding the doorframe, you manage to avoid other ponies until you reach the library
  53. >You knock politely, and the purple pone herself answers
  54. >”Oh Anon! Oh my stars, what happened to you? You're worse than before!”
  55. >You brush her concerns off with a wave
  56. “Don't worry about it Twi, I'm just clumsy! Also somepony put a wall right where I was walking, so you know.”
  57. >Twilight shushes you gently and leads you into a little living area in the back
  58. >She's already laid out a tea set and has a pot ready to go
  59. >She pours some into the two cups and levitates a spoon of sugar
  60. >”One scoop or two?”
  61. >Well none, because you were a cultured man
  62. >Who ruins perfectly good tea with something sweet?
  63. “Oh don't worry about it Twi, I don't take sugar with my tea.”
  64. >She gives you the most condescending smile you've ever seen
  65. >”Oh don't be silly Anon, two scoops for being the sweetest guy I know!”
  66. >TWO
  67. >SCOOPS
  68. >Purple horse evidently doesn't listen well
  69. >No matter how much she complimented you
  70. >You take a sip of your over-sweet tea and grimace
  71. >First the ponies take your beautiful looks with their misplaced doors and walls
  72. >Now your culture!
  73. >Twilight takes a sip of her tea, then begins speaking in a gentle tone
  74. >”Look Anon, I know it must be hard to be in an abusive relationship. But you're safe here, you can talk to me, okay?”
  75. >Wat
  76. “Twi, what in the world are you talking about?”
  77. >She shushes you and pats your bruised hand
  78. >”It's okay, Anon. Just tell me who it is and she'll be arrested before the day is out.”
  79. >You pinch the bridge of your nose, wincing at the sudden pain
  80. >That's right, you broke it
  81. “I don't think you're listening to me, Twilight. I'm not in an abusive relationship, I'm just a klutz. No one needs to be arrested.”
  82. >Twilight's face hardens and her gentle smile turns rapidly into a frown
  83. >”It's Fluttershy isn't it? She's always over at your place after all! I can't believe my own friend, and an Element no less, could be so terrible!”
  84. >Okay, Ms. Spickle has gone insane
  85. >Time to leave as inconspicuously as possible
  86. “Oh wow look at the time! Boy it just flew by, I've got to get going Twilight! Maybe we can talk again sometime?”
  87. >Twilight follows you to the door and as you walk outside she calls out to you
  88. >”Come on Anon, just get back here! I promise you everything is going to be fine!”
  89. >Nope, ignoring her
  90. >You're not going back there for a gooood while
  91. >Unfortunately her yelling has drawn the attention of another passing mare
  92. >The white coated mare comes up to you with a look of concern on her face
  93. >”Excuse me are you alright?”
  94. >The moment she notices your face she gasps
  95. >”Oh dear Celestia? Did Twilight do that to you? I can't believe she'd do such a thing!”
  96. >Without even waiting for your response, the mare immediately goes over to Twilight and starts a shouting match with her
  97. >You decide to not stick around for that shitshow
  98. >Fucking ponies
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