i feel like we had a positive relationship in the last
i dont know if you feel that way
if you dont think we did im sorry for not listening and being so persistent
if you never had any romantic feelings for me then you can stop reading because the rest of it doesnt really matter?
i really appreciate the time we had together
thank you

the process of breaking up has uncovered a lot of parts of my head i didnt know were there
i can't access a lot of the memories very well (did) but i intend to take full responsibility and i want to do anything i can to earn your trust back
there are so many seaths that just exist to rationalization distrust i dont even know how to organize them
i think there were 2 new ones last night alone?
they're small and really scared and they flail
and they can use my (current combination of seaths) head and the stuff i know as a weapon against you
i dont want to scare you; i really believe im safe from myself, but there are a couple (2 or 3) that are very much "im gonna die anyway so i may as well do whatever" seaths. and idk how to deal with them. there is only 1 really suicidal seath? and they arent stress triggered. you havent met them.
if you feel safe with it at a later time id really like to coax some of them out and have them talk to you (notabout romantic stuff i just trust you as someone to talk to) so i can sort of reason out with them.

I REALLY want to avoiding minimizing your feelings
i am a seath who has done that
i am very sorry
other seaths are MUCH worse
there are behaviors i have done that are 100 percent absolutely absuive
both of the incidents with liddlecat and the threats involving artour are inexcusable
i am very sorry crag
there was a lot of seath scrambling for them i cant really pin down any particular ones that were responsible
we all are
those are the some of the worst things ive done in my life and i am deeply ashamed for them

im still in the mold of using you as a rubber chicken
even through this
i was trying to be absolutly transparent about my thoughts because i thought that was a good thing but its overwhelming and unhelpful
i really didnt intend most of these rants to be abusive or to hurt you
sometimes i express frusteration or call you names or say mean things
but i dont want you to feel bad i just want you to understand how i feel
like when i say "we broke up for no reason" (im not trying to defend myself) i mean to aggressivly make you re-evaluate whether or not the reason we broke up were things that should have ended our relationship. It is agressive and it is trying to motivate behavior. It doesn't feel abusive? it's mean spirited. it might be abusive?  i will listen to you on this. So long as i am this seath or other seaths like me i will try my best to avoid statemnts that will harm you emotionally from this point foward, as well as working with other seaths to do the same.
im not trying to defend myself im just trying to express how i feel
i have been wrong and i want to follow any rules you set in the future

sexual stuff is not a priority for me in what id want out of a relationship with you
trust loyality and proritization over other people not in the relationship openess etc
you not being open to sexual stuff with me was less about the sexual stuff and more about not feeling like an equal to lem
you're valuable to me and i want to be in a relationship with you because i think our heads have similar shapes
i really believe that romantic and platonic love are the same
i feel some romantic love for you but its just not all that intense? i think you felt the same awy about me for most of the relationship. mostly i just want deep trust and compassion and caring
it makes me feel a lot safer to call it a relationship but i dont really need that title?
it just makes me feel really insecure
and also i think it is a relationship?
i kind of resent it not being called one
but it really doesnt matter that much
thats just my insecurity i can work through

Ive been very harsh about the reasons we broke up
i thought it was because i was angry
but its because im scared that the safety i felt from having someone else who loved me was fake
im scared that im not worth being loved
thats what the breakup meant to me
those fears infiltrate into my head when you tell me the issues with the relationship
which are valid

dark: i am an incredibly pesemistic and cynical person. everything i see and everyone i meet i intrepret in the scariest way possible. mostly the work of amy (shes mostly resposible for steph, more physical in the moment anxiety) and another alter i havent named. a large issue with this is that i really never saw it as a problem? i really believed the world is a terrible place for a really long time because it was a terrible place for me. to make things worse the only time i really got emotional support for my negativity was when i expressed it to my mom. she essentially accidentally conditioned me to be more negative by taking care of me when i was really negative. there was a similar feedback loop with us, though it was generally a lot more productive because you really challenged a lot of my negative thoughts. I have grown ENORMOUSLY because of your help in that regard. but i also really treated you like a therapist and would dump all of my fears and my negative thoughts into you constantly, and i really think that hurt you and influenced how you saw our relationship. i still want to talk to you about stuff, and express that dark part of my head sometimes, but i dont want you to be my therapist anymore. I can adapt and express how i fel about things in a lot healthier way, as well as in much less frequency. being on antidepressants and going to therapy is also really helping with this.

Identityvoid/depndeny: very similar in terms of the maladaptive care-taker role issues for the dependency. i think the extent to which i was ever emotionally dependent on you was kind of exaggereated in your head. I think it really scared you and triggered a corner of your head i dont entirely understand. Most of the emotional dependence came from ideation about leaving my home and having a place to live and someone to help me take care of myself. I can se now how that burden was unfair to place on you. im gonna be ok. The identity void im making HUGE progress on thanks to identifying the did. I feel more and more like a person every day. Everyone kind of definees themselves by the people they're around, and i did that. I dont think it was maladaptive.

I know youre hurting a lot
im sorry ive hurt you so much
i should have listened and taken your requests for space more seriously
but id really like to try to work things out in a week or 2 or whenever you feel ready
life is long
i want to be close to you for the rest of my life
these past couple months wont mean anything to me later
except for how i grew because of them
i think noise/her (boyfriend?) offered to moderate the conversation?
would you be interested in that

ty