I survived...

25 long years of my father's extreme rage which left me hateful and bitter

superlative OCD transforming 10 feet of front walkway into a daily 2 hour walk of shame

four years of destructive collegic daily drinking and smoking in an attempt self medicate and maintain my scholarship to obtain a degree required to self sustain

eating untested legal designer drugs in the early aughts and driving hours through the winding back roads of upstate NY where I took a curve at great speed and thrice lost control thus spinning into the oncoming lane nearly forfeiting my life

a tragic and near fatal DXM/MDMA combination that produced serotonin syndrome resulting in a stroke that left me authentically retarded and soulless or several years

impulsively quitting my respectable job on the east coast to drive cross country in hopes of escaping my five undiagnosed mental illnesses along with their genesis, my father

living in Bliss, NY population 113 and eating copious shrooms wherein I wandered the backwoods and encountered a farmer and his sons who thought I was trespassing and proceeded to give chase on their 4 wheeler only to point two shotguns in my face

moving to Vermont and finding the girl of my dreams who was a gorgeous ex model with a genius IQ and also unfortunately a bit mad because she up and killed herself leaving me with the bad habit of coming home from work and pressing the business end of a loaded Sig Sauer against my temple praying for the courage to pull the fucking trigger

the ensuing heroin addiction that induced three near fatal ODs, the last of which very nearly resulted in a conviction for attempted vehicular manslaughter against the police officer who decided to save my life by giving CPR to another stupid junkie

the pain of gambling away my life’s savings via online dice with no ability to stop despite desperate pleas from my lover which almost cost us our dream house and my sanity

working from home for 8 years to assuage of my extreme anxiety and ensuing agoraphobia only to be fired, resulting in six months of brutal unemployment that culminated in a conclusion so brilliant it almost left me believing in a higher power

being thrust from the comfort of working out of the house into 4:30 wake up time and two hour round trip commute and an office with coworkers who expected socialization and comradery in the face of my extreme and ever present social anxiety

and finally, I survived a moment of enlightenment so intense that all the stress I'd been carrying in my abdomen since birth suddenly released and I wept like a babe. The resulting abundance of uncontrollable chi would push my mother and favorite aunt away so violently that they would cease all communications, and it took everything in me to understand that in my 38th year on this earth, even as my wife screamed in my face that I must be mentally ill, that I was not manic because instead it was a tremendous holy moment that would change and enrich my life forever, and I would have to endure the scorn and judgment of my loved ones until time revealed to them the genuine nature of my metamorphosis so we could once again be whole.

For all of these reasons, I am proud to be alive.