Why so Blue

A date is scribbled at the top of the page in neat slanting letters, with words like 'dear diary' and 'journal entry' crossed out.

"So. Today has been the same as the last, as it always has been. There were a few new wolves around for the moot though so there was that. But mostly everything usually goes how it normally does, Garou doing their party thing and spirit thing while the rest of us cook and maintain. We dont really get to take part in the party, not all of it at least. Only enough to feel included in something. It's nice at least I guess, if a little hollow compared to everything else.

I dont know. I've been feeling even more isolated again, getting stuck in my head. I was hoping keeping this journal would help but honestly it just gives me more anxiety if it's ever found.

Dont get me wrong, I love my family and the culture is neat with all this spiritual shifters thing but i just...I just wish it didnt feel so defeating and stagnant? You can only ignore how much of a second-class lifeform you are to the Culture before it grinds you down into something small and sad. I get we have a role and its safer than what they have to do, but it also feels so...small. you feel so small and powerless, even if you are able to go to places they cant you just feel so small and useless. You are barred from going to places, you cant even really talk to spirits unless you were born a little more special than the others, anything supernatural that isnt Shifter is seen as a threat.

I dont know how long I can take it here before I just become so numb and broken. I want to have a life, to study animals and write books and travel beyond this forest but...I cant. Not without the disappointment and the guilt. Not without my family being asked why they didn't stop me and what a shame to lose a kinfolk so easily.

And like. It's not that I want to be a Shifter? I'm fine being me, I just wish it was...better being that. And I know there are some shifters made from kinfolk and that sounds so cool on paper but then you just learn it's something your parents do to you when you are still an infant. They choose the favored child in their care to be a full member of the Nation. So I dont see the point then, why not just have the same deal the Garou and some fera have where you just either get born lucky or simple born. Why make it sound like there is a choice...when it really isn't. Not the kid's at least.

Gods though I'm so scared if this ever got found. With everything that happened with the murders and the skinning...if this was found they would think I'm on the cusp of doing thr same, I'd be killed just because I'm...not agreeing to everything.

Its safer to just be quiet and hope they pass you by. I know one day I'm going to be expected to engage more, to be with someone to bring in another generation of kinfolk and garou...but I'm not ready. I dont know if I ever will be...but it isnt my choice.

There are no choices. In the end, if you make the wrong false choices you are shamed. I cant have the life I want with writing and travelling, of studying animals both alive and dead. I have to be content letting it just be dreams while I fulfill my role here. Quietly, no fuss, just like a good Kinfolk for the Nation."

The passage ends with a scribble of a drawing, the lines shaky and a few wet spots on the page of someone trying to hold on a little longer.