Thread 103: Stories 31-45

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>SA
"42"
~~~

"You were sloppy out there."

>Ow... ow... ow...

"You could have very easily destroyed her if you just put explosives in a sphere and then dropped them on her."

>...WHAT!?

"Or perhaps simply enclosed it around her head and suffocated her?"

>WAIT WHOA!

"Or then again, simply encasing each limb in a grip and then pulling would have-"

>HEY!

"..."

>NON! LETHAL!

"...the magic room still works-"

>Wow no!

"But then you can go all out!"

>I don't want to show Pinkie her sister's head being exploded!

"It would be fake!"

>NO!

"Spoilsport."

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>Pinkie
"Maud"
~~~

>...Really, Maud?

"..."

>...REALLY?

"..."

>...I love you too.

"... I know."

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 >Celestia
"Chrysalis"
~~~

>...You were thinking it too, weren't you.

"Don't know what you mean."

>Don't play that game, I've lived that game my whole life... you were thinking it too.

"...Maybe a little."

>...

"..."

>...Not as much fun this time round seeing him get beat up, is it?

"Nope."

>...but still kinda fun.

"Yep."

>What do you suppose that means?

"Not the foggiest."

>...Hm.

"Hm indeed."

>...

"...You want to see him get hit again?"

>Yes, but I feel bad about it.

"We are conflicted individuals."

>That we are.

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Ooco
>Shiny
"32"

>Okay, so I was neither expecting, nor wanting this.

"Humor me."

>Right.

The two stand in the simulator, on either side, squared off for battle.

"I've been working on a new form of martial art and your track record in personal combat speaks for itself."

>Why not do it with-

"I'm never going to fight my brother or my sister again, Pommel's in the guard which would send the wrong message to my dear Queen, and seriously, fuck buckethead and her stupid helmet."

>The helmet is not stupid.

"It's stupid and you are stupid for defending it."

>Can we get to the point?

"Right! Simulation on...engage...activate, DO THE THING!"

In a flash the two stand upon a grassy field.

>Right, so how you want to do-

Fwoosh

>-this...you are now a Diamond Dog.

"This is true."

>Why, exactly?

"My stupendous new martial art depends solely upon my ability to change form. Now observe...BUG STYLE!"

32 adopts an overwrought crane pose.

>...

"..."

>Well?

"Well what?"

>Do something!

"Righty-ho!"

Fwoosh!

>...I didn't mean turn into a gryphon!

"But I heard the catbird was the word..."

>Wha-oh shut up.

"Fine then, observe!"

32 begins prancing around flailing his arms.

"Hwaaah! Hyaaaah! Hyoooo-HAH!"

>This is just getting absurd.

"Kind of the point. You see bug style-"

Fwoosh! A buffalo twirls.

"-relies upon obfuscation-"

Fwoosh! A pegasus flutters.

"-and misdirection-"

Fwoosh! A dragon bows low.

"-to properly confuse the opponent-WHOA!"

32 falls flat on his face in the grass, his now draconic coils comically accordioned up from his prone form.

"Ow..."

>I'm not confused, I'm mostly irritated.

"Eh, good enough."

>Are you gonna get up or what?

"I like it down here. It's comfy."

>Your 'martial art' is starting to really get on my ner-

BANG!

Mmm what'cha saAAAaaaAAAy~

Shiny falls in slow motion, eyes wide, mouth forming a word which would never be said, his chest perforated by the unseen pistol sho-

Bwoop.

Fwump!

>OWWWWW! WHY!?

"Because I'm just a bit of a prick! April fools!"

>IT'S NOT EVEN APRIL!

"Details!"

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OOCO
>AJ
"SA"
'Celestia'
[Chrysalis]
~~~

>...Now iffin' this ain't a sight.

"No, Chrysalis, the date TODAY, not when this thing is due."

[That's not what you said for the other thing!]

'The other thing was a zoning license, this is simply paycheck dispersal, you need to have the dates proper.'

[Why can't I just write down whatever the fuck I want!? Who's going to stop me!?]

"Nobody, because we live in a universe wherein the leaders literally have superpowers beyond most comprehension."

[HAH!]

'But if you don't do it right, they just won't get paid or build accordingly, and then they'll starve or die by over rampant crime, and you have to deal with that.'

[...I could make someone else do that.]

"You can make someone else die instead of starve?"

[Well, yeah, but I meant the deal with that part. I've got soliders.]

'All, what, thirty of them?'

[...Actually probably in the upper forties, if anything I'm really low on drones because of... reasons...]

"Uh huh... so! With that settled, let's move on to taxes!"

[Oh! This one I like! This is where I don't do anything but they give me money, right?]

'Right!... Well, a percentage of their annual earnings in exchange for maintaining of security, roads, expansion, and a host of other things, yes.'

[GaaahhHHHH!]

"...Oh! Hi Applejack, did you-"

>Shhh, no no nooo... just lemme enjoy it...

"..."

'...'

[...]

"...So this is how you build the basis of tax codes."

[Which page? This book is huge!]

'All of the pages.'

[...GAHHHHHHH!]

>...Mmm... yes...

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Celestia"
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but sometime folks forget to sleep! Now for our main guest...PRINCESS CELESTIA!

"Hello my little ponies."

>Would you ever move the sun just so it didn't shine into your eyes?

"That would be rather lazy don't you think?"

>Ahahaha point taken. That's all the time we have! See you next time!
Celestia wakes up in a daze and gets the kitchen with half opened eyes. With a bagel in her mouth she sits next to the window trying to gnaw on it. The light shines brightly on her face through the window.

"..."
Instead of getting up, her horn glows and the sun moves a little so that the light would stop shining in her face.
"...it's lazy, but yes I'd do it."
Bites her bagel

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 >Fuzzy
"Buzz"
~~~

>Annnd COMING AT YOU LIVE, IT'S FUZZY AND THE BUZZ!

~Fuzzy and Buzz in the morning, 97.1~
~And here... we... GO.~

"Top story in the news today, a new sensation is sweeping the Canterlot nation!'

>That's right my buzzy buddy, the changeling sport of Facepunch has caught on in the land of Cantering, and there are reports it's landing blows elsewhere too!

"Unlike Fuzzy's date night."

>OHHHH!

~KABLAMMO!~

"Yessir. The high contact, no joke sport took off when none other than Princess Applejack and her protege stepped in to play along. It's become a new diet craze since then, with mares saying it toughens up their skin to prevent wrinkles from forming."

>Special facepunch creme is already being sold, though try not to use it for non-intended purposes this time Buzzy? Keep it up top, away from the back!

"OHHHH!"

~Dab'l do ya'.~

"Other news today, with the lings back over in the Empire and getting a warm welcome, questions have begun to circulate if they will try this tactic in other areas."

>Because unleashing a whole host of guys like you is always bound to work. It helped your odds at the club at least!

"OOHHHHH!"

~RELEASE THE SWARM!~

>But seriously, out hopes go out to the princess, and we wish her the best of luck. Keep up the good fight, Princess!

"That's our show, and now here's the latest singles from the Queenlings under the Party Pony Incorporated label! Can't Stop Me now!"

>GOODNIGHT!

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OOCO
>Blueblood
"PJ"
'???'
~~~

It was so peaceful, with his head in her lap. So much so, she didn't care if she hadn't had feeling in them for at least an hour now.

>...zzz...

"Awww, he's all tuckered out. This right here? This is cute."

>...

"Yeah, wish Haymaker was here to see this too... but nooo... got reassigned to watch over crazy mare."

>...zzz...

"Heh... least you'll stick with me, right?... Yeah. Think you learned your lesson... I did too. I'm not gonna leave you next time. What happened back then... back when the world was ending... that's not going to happen ever again. You and me, Bluey, even if the whole world crumbles... I'm sticking with you, and that's the truth-"

'IS THAT LOUT SLEEPING ON THE JOB!?'

"GAH! CHEESE IT BLUEY!"

She carelessly tossed his head to the floor, jumped up, and raced towards the nearest window.

CLACK!
SHATTER!
WRRRHRRRHRR

'...'

"OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP WHEN DID THIS TREE GET-"

CRACK!

'...'

>...Ow.

'What are thou doing!? Oh, my wayward EX nephew! Thou shalt really get it for this one! We were quite kind to let thee live for this long, but-'

>It's my day off.

'Oh... nevermind! Carry on!'

With a smile and a skip, the princess of the night left.

>...You okay?

"I think I ate a squirrel."

>How'd it taste?

"Has a very Armadillo-esq flavor."

>...Alright then.

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 >Maud
"Awkwardling"
~~~

"Oh um... you didn't win?"

>No.

"S-sorry."

>It is fine, I didn't expect to, he is a very powerful opponent with a lot more training.

"Oh um... good?"

>...

"Not good?"

>...

"Hrmrm..."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...I enjoy our time together.

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>AJ
"Sunset"
'Changelings'
[???]
~~~~~

>Molotov cocktails? Really?

'...what is a molotov anyway?'

>... uh...

"You do not want to know."

>No, Ah' don't, just explain why?

'Jugglejack does it, and it worked out great for him.'

'Yeah! 14 wants a coltfriend too!'

'I DO... wait...'

[........eeee...eeeeeee]

>Do... do y'all har that?

"It sounds like..."

[eeeeeeeeeeeee]

'What is that?'

'SACRIFICE A VIRGIN!'

'Sunset, you're up.'

"HA!"

'...Innnnteresting.'

"Oh fuck off-"

>Quiet!... what... what is...

[eeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE]

'Wait... up in the sky!'

'It's... it's...'

'HIT THE DECK!'

[EEEEEEEEEEE-]

BOOM!

[EEE IS NOT MY COLTFRIEND!]

>...

"..."

'...'

>...How.

[Because!]

GONE!

>...

"..."

'...Now about that earlier thing-'

"NO!"

'Damn.'

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 >Spitfire
"SA"
~~~

>PfffftttAHAHAHAH!

"Shut up."

>Holy shit, I cannot believe the look on your face.

"Shut upppp."

>I deny. This is me going awol. You have been betrayed!

"..."

>I don't even feel bad. But seriously, she beaned you in the head with a rock?

"She did that... somehow. I have no idea how, I had a grip on her and we were spinning."

>Earth pony magic?

"Can... can earth ponies telekinetically throw rocks?"

>Have they just been hiding it this whole time?

"Waiting for the right moment to strike, and bring us low with really big rocks?"

>...

"..."

>...

>"Nahhhhhh."

>That would be silly.

"...r-right?"

>"..."

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>Fluttershy
~~~

>...This is quite confusing.

An odd thing to say, considering that she was looking at nothing but empty forest, but to one such as her, that was precisely the problem.

>Where... where are the animals?

Not the small, leafy or nut eating ones, of course. She had seen many a squirrel or bird or other such furry thing going this way or that plenty a time thus far. That was not what worried her.

What worried her was that said squirrels or chipmunks or what have you were running around unabated, unmolested, without a care.

Considering how deep she was in Everfree, this was nothing less than cause for alarm. As terrible as it was to say and think..

>Why aren't you being eaten?

The offense on their faces were palpable, as well they should now that she thought about it, but her meager apologies were going to have to wait. This forest was a forest of peace, and harmony.

And as much as she didn't wish it so, that meant something was very, very wrong.

This was not a forest of kindness. And she, better than most, knew it.

As much as it pained her... she had to find what was causing this, and deal with it.

>I have to get to the bottom of this.

Chaos powers, don't fail her now...

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NC
 >Lavan
"Shing Armor"
'Chrysalis'
-Celestia-
~Cadence~
^Twilight^
*Conceivably Everyone*

'This is stupid.'

-You could literally just say no. Right no. Just tell the flaming face of doom 'No, I do not want to spar with you'. See? It's easy.-

"I don't know, he said he'd limit himself to non-lethal methods."

>And also do this!

Poof!

"'-~...~-'"

>Hello.

"I...didn't know you could do that."

>I'm an entity of nigh godlike power, you did not conceive I could turn into something like a beige earth pony? I am happy to surprise!

'Oh come the fuck on, you're moving in on my turf here, you flaming dickhead!

>I apologize, I can go back to my previous for-

"'-~NO!~-'"

>Mixed messages, this pleases me.

"Just, stay like this, we'll fight a little bit, then...I don't know, you can go do whatever it is you do when no one's watching you."

>That is literally zero percent of my time.

"Ok, ready?"

>Yes.

-FIGHT!-

Poof!

'-~^WHAT THE FUCK!^?~-'

>What?

'WHAT DID YOU DO!?'

>I think I won. This constitutes a ring out, yes?

~What happened to Shiny!?~

>I teleported him! Teleportation is nonlethal!

'True! But we're still pissed!'

>Why? He's probably enjoying himself.

-Excuse us? You just teleported him to some horrible nightmare realm!-

>Haywaii?

'-~^...^~-'

>I visited a very nice resort when I was there last, I thought he'd like it there. It's very pleasant.

'Lavan! I challenge you to a fight!'

>Excellent!

'Ready? Go!'

Poof!

-Oh two can play at this game! Me next! Go!-

>Hurray!

Poof!

^...^

~...~

^You thinking what I'm thinking?^

~Gimme a minute and I'll be right back.~

SEVERAL HOURS LATER!

*WOOHOOOOOO! VACATION!*

>Beach episode, this pleases me.

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OoOC
>DT
"Spike"
~~~~
At a fancy charity dinner party. DT looks brightly.
>Wow these adults are so...
Her expression changes.
>dull...if I hear one more private golf course story...
She grumbles.
>...I haven't killed anyone yet...that's a good sign right? A mark of patience...*sighs* I wish Spoons was here.

"Oh I didn't expect to see you here. Sometimes I forget that Filthy Rich is your dad."

>What? Of course I'm here. I'm getting to know very important ponies.

"Alright, don't let me stop you then."

>...nice tie.

"Thanks. I'm trying to look formal here."

>Why are you here?

"I needed to talk to a few business ponies. I'm on an assignment right now."

>Oh...A-team business...I guess you're busy right now.

"I still have some time to mingle. Hey, you have your mane up. Looks good on you. You look really sophisticated."

>As if I needed you to tell me that...
Looks away to hide a smile.
>...but it's nice to hear somepony else say it...so thanks Spike.
She starts blushing a little. Annoyed, she frown trying hard not to think about and ends up blushing even more. Under her breath.
>Nooo...not for him.

"Are you feeling all right? You're looking a little red instead of pink."

>I'm fine! Don't look! Just...leave me alone and get me some punch! Don't you know how to treat a girl?

"Fine sheesh. Don't have to tear my head off. You may look sophisticated, but your manners need work."
He walks off.

>...
She facehoof herself.
>Damn it!

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~~~~

'...make daffodil or daisy for...'

'...likes me. What if she doesn't think...'

'...spending is far too high this months! The princess really ought to...'

It was back. Like the slow approach, then distancing of someone talking to themselves.

'...such a ripoff. I can't believe he wouldn't...'

Thirteen had expected for it to return for the longest time, yet prayed and hoped that she finally had been rid of her curse.

'My, it's such a beautiful day outside today.'

Alas, the mind-numbing, deafening din of noise assaulting her from all sides was back.

'...hatehatehatehatehatehatehate...'

She couldn't stop this sixth sense of hers, she couldn't control it or silence those around her all together. Whenever she moved through a crowd, the thoughts of those around her were broadcasted to her like the roar of a waterfall thanks to her gift.

'...siiiinging in the snow. I foooorgooot the lyrics, but I'm haaaappy in the snow~'

It made her miss the absolute, deadly silence of the Valley of the Beasts, when after her last, spiteful guardian perished, she was left alone with her thoughts for months on end as she slowly starved. Even if it meant complete isolation.

'...think I scuffed my hoof. Oh no, what if my nail polish...'

She missed being around her mother, whose thoughts were short and precise. No wasted mulling, fretting or worrying. She missed Sweet Note, whose thought processes were so simple, she sensed an absolute absence of sound most of the time. Only the occasional image or phrase disturbed her when they were together.

'...wish there was more sun out here. All this snow all year is driving...'

This was of course partially thanks to mother causing those around them to give her a wide berth. Further than her abilities could currently reach if she didn't focus.

'..to go off to?! That jerk! I can't believe...'

But even those two closest to her heart, apart from her Queen were a burden when night time rolled around and they began to dream.

'Shit! Shit shit shit, why didn't I just...'

Revealing herself and tackling an unknown, alien foe such as that horrible demon that had been about to tear her mother apart had been a huge mistake. A mistake she would gladly repeat for as often as it would save the lives it did last time.

'...left, left, right, right, stop, check, left...'

But that sort of sentimentality came with the harsh price tag of her sanity thanks to her now reawakened senses.

'...such a cute little...'
'...an ass! I'd love...'
'...learn how to see...'
'...just wants to have...'
'AAAAHAHAHAHAHAH...'

For a small instance, Thirteen's left eye twitched, her lips quivered, and she snapped.

"BE QUIET!"

What followed were shocked and some gasps looks all around due to her outburst... and a mere moment of inattention.

A slip.

But it was enough for her gift to comply to her subconscious wishes like so many times before.

Thirteen impossibly tripped. There was nothing but perfectly smooth crystal roads without any litter around, and yet she tripped like she had been shoved by an unseen force.

Her tall, gangly form was sent flying, her eyes widening as uncoordinated stumbling carried her towards a large cart full of sharp crystal meant for construction.

It was strange, for the cart hadn't been in that spot moments ago and the construction worker chatting with his co-worker, whose body would otherwise have softened her fall, chose just that moment to take a step to the side, as if compelled to do so by a greater force.

CRASH!
CRACK!
TINKLE!

The sounds that rang out when her body hit the pile was loud, yet the screaming pain as the wicked shards tore and cut through her abnormally soft chitin was far more deafening to her.

Of course, Thirteen's abysmal 'luck' didn't finish there.

The cart tipped over from the impact, causing her head to slam onto the unyielding crystal road, making her see stars. Her body hit the adjacent stand of a hot tea salespony who had chosen just this moment to move from her usual spot across the plaza for reasons she wasn't quite sure herself.

Boiling hot water poured over Chitania's daughter, burning her badly , followed by sugar and and metal cans raining down upon her.

"Oh no!"

Worried shouts rang out and the ever-caring citizens of the empire hurried to assist her, digging through the mess to retrieve her.

"She's hurt!"

"I-I'm fine, don't worry! I-it was just a small fall!"

Outwardly, Thirteen looked anything but fine. She had been wounded, burned and disgraced by her own misfortune. She was quite sure that if her mother had been here, she would have started hitting those around her in rage over her current state.

"Are you sure? Look there is... there is crystal in your wounds."

Despite the worried looks of those around her, she pulled out the crystal shards in her body, whimpering at the sweet pain. Her wounds would take much longer than for the average Changeling, despite her being full of love from her mother. That was just how it worked

"Here. Just let me help you."
Still, when she was done cleaning up the mess and bandaging her still oozing wounds with the help of the crystal ponies, she smiled brightly and apologetically.

"Your poor thing. What happened?"

"I-I didn't pay attention, s-sorry about the mess."

"Nevermind the mess, I am sorry for getting you hurt!"

Thirteen would not and could not blame them.

"Oh no! You don't have to worry or pay me anything. This happens to me all the time."

"What is your name? Should we get your Queen?"

For she was...

"Nono, thats-that's fine. I am Thirteen. Lucky Number 13, heh..."

...and the noises in her head had thankfully stopped. At least for as long as she was internally screaming in pain.

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