Close call

Kris stood in front of the new restaurant. It had opened just some months ago and already it had become his favorite place in town. Yesterday, he had managed to convince Susie to give it a shot. Like usual she was late. But Kris was two steps ahead of her and he himself had come half an hour late expecting her to do the same. Susie, however, was THREE steps ahead of Kris and, having figured out his efforts to compensate her lateness by arriving late, she, in turn, got later with her lateness and had left his late friend waiting for her an early lateness that wasn't as late as her late lateness. Did I already mention that Susie was late? These thoughts made Kris's headache even worse. He brushed off the sweat on his forehead with his greasy fingers. The summer heat was boiling him alive. People say that the sun is a symbol of cheerfulness. Bullshit. The sun is a smug prick whose rays mock you for just how pathetic and tired you are. Kris bit his finger. Susie's company was taking its toll. His inner dialogue was becoming progressively naughtier and more obscene. If his mother ever caught him saying something rude she would quite literally make him wash his mouth with soap. Thankfully, he could still manage to keep these thoughts to himself, but he needed to watch out. He tapped his foot and looked in the distance. Where the hell is she? Kris was abruptly grasped by his sides. The hands of the aggressor squeezed him and Kris wheezed in pain.

"OOGA BOOGA!" the attacker shouted.

Startled, Kris let out a string of increasingly more repugnant cusses. Some bystanders gasped at his profanity.

Kris was released. He turned around like a rabid dog. It was just Susie, who had sneaked up on him.

"WoOOOow!" She remarked with a shit-eating grin "How could the sweet momma boy say so many swear words so loudly? You're becoming a delinquent Kris."

Kris sarcastically replied that he had some bad influences.

"Huh guess that's so," she displayed her sharp teeth "anyway, let's take a seat, I am getting hungry."

Kris remarked that she was always hungry.

"Shut up, nerd, that was a rhetorical statement"

Both friends sat down at a table. A giant red outdoor umbrella provided them with a lovely shade. They began discussing. Both were perfectly aware that they were being way too loud by social standards. It wasn't, however, like anybody would ever be brave enough to tell them to keep it down, especially to Susie. Kris heard a faint but recognizable laughter coming from inside. An ominous smirk appeared on his face.

"What's with that look?" Susie asked.

Kris explained that she would soon meet the owner of the restaurant.

"What about him?"

Susie did not have to wait for Kris's description of him, for he presented himself before them. He was wearing a fine red apron. On it was written with a strange font in bold letters 'Number one cook'. He was also dressed in a homemade chef's attire: a little crude, but charming in its own way. On top of his ivory shiny head was a comically large hat. It seemed miraculous that nothing had yet managed to knock it off.

The cook boasted with his great and glamorous voice "HUMAN! I SEE THAT YOU ONCE AGAIN ARE UNABLE TO RESIST COMING TO MY MASTERFULLY PREPARED CUISINE!" he turned to Susie "I SEE THAT YOU'VE BROUGHT A FRIEND! LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS CHEF OF ALL MONSTERKIND. I WELCOME YOU TO MY–"

Susie harshly interrupted him "What's up with the menu? Why do the dishes consist only of spaghetti?"

"I SEE THAT YOU HAVE AN EXQUISITELY CUNNING INTELLECT! SOMETHING AKIN TO MYSELF IF I MUST ADD." Papyrus proudly beat his chest with his fist "BUT TO ANSWER YOUR INQUIRY I WILL SAY THIS: I HAVE ELECTED TO OFFER THIS TOWN EXCLUSIVELY THE VERY BEST OF MY COLLECTION OF IMPECCABLE RECIPES. THAT IS WHY I'VE CHOSEN SPAGHETTIS: THE MOST BALANCED AND TASTY SERVING OF THEM ALL!"

Susie chuckled "Whatever you say, chef. I'll take a–"

Before she could take her order she was stopped by Kris. He called for Papyrus's attention and pointed to something in the menu.

"DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME" he exclaimed with excitement "OR ARE YOU POINTING TO MY VERY SPECIAL SPAGHETTI CHALLENGE!? I NOW UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'VE BROUGHT A FRIEND ALONG. I WILL BE COMING BACK IN A MOMENT NOTICE. NYEH HEH HEH!" he withdrew to the kitchen.

Kris asked Susie what she thought of Papyrus.

"He's completely nut," she responded, "but hey. he's amusing me so I'm not complaining."

Some minutes later Papyrus returned. He was holding a silver plate as big as the table they were sitting at. With titanic effort, he laid it down.

"BONE APPETIT! NYEH HEH HEH"

Kris and Susie took some seconds to examine the gigantic dish before their eyes. The spaghettis swirled around themselves into a multitude of magnificent curly towers. Upon each was dropped a mouthful of delicious tomato sauce with a leaf of origanum. Seen from a bird's eye view, the whole meal depicted the face of an ingenious and great jape master.

Susie gawked at Kris.

"Do you seriously think that this intimidates me, Kris?" She scoffed at him "I could eat it all by myself, you know? But let's do something more worthwhile. I bet that you won't be able to eat one eight of all of this stuff before I devour the rest. Deal?"

Kris didn't get the chance to respond.

"Alright, let's go!"

Susie grabbed with her right hand both the fork and the knife, impaled the spaghetti, twisted it around, raised whatever got stuck on the cutlery and then tilted it so that the contents could fall directly on her jaws. Kris was alarmed by the competition, but he didn't let himself down. He attempted a different strategy: taking small but fast consecutive nibbles. Despite the softness of the spaghetti, around the seventh bite his jaw was already getting tired chewing. His stomach protested against the excessive amount swallowed. Even his arms were giving away. Fortunately, the food was so yummy that he didn't have trouble ignoring the pain. Less comforting, however, was the sight of Susie's progress. Roughly five minutes had passed and she had already consumed half of the whole portion. She didn't even look fatigued. If anything, she was going even at a faster pace than before. Kris tried to the best of his efforts to catch up. By now he was aware that he would lose the bet, but at least he would put out the last struggle.

In the end, only a biteful of spaghetti remained on the plate. Susie made her move, but Kris was able to catch it and eat it before she could reach it. However, the motion of his lunge had flung one last string into the air. Susie got up and jumped from the chair. Kris reacted immediately by doing the same. He excitingly approached the strand of spaghetti from one of its ends while Susie approached from the other. His frenzy was, however, shattered when he realized that not only was he getting closer to his target, but also to Susie's wide open mouth, which was ready to munch whatever was inside it without a second thought. Kris thought that the fact that he was about to get his face bitten off now instead of all the other times he had pissed off Susie was kind of a bummer. Oh well, he had lived a good life. Kris, however, was spared from destiny. Susie's mouth missed Kris by a couple of millimeters. They, however, were still being thrust into the air. Their lips collided. Susie's eyes widened. She, who had maintained up until now an aura of confidence and control, panicked. She attempted to pull out without any success. Kris too felt the dread. Not because of this little accident per se, but rather in anticipation of what would follow.

They fell to the ground. They got up. Their eyes interlocked. Both still expressed uncertainty to what had just happened. five seconds passed. Then another five. Then another five. Kris was tense. He expected to get his ass handed over to him. But the beating wasn't coming. Perhaps, He thought that he was safe, that Susie had understood that he hadn't intended for this to play out. He was on the verge of sighing in relief and dismissing what had happened with a quick whip when he caught Susie's expression turning to pure anger. His instincts alerted him to get out of the way. Barely, he managed to dodge Susie's punch. He lost his balance and fell on his back. He couldn't even begin thinking of running the hell away, that Susie had already lifted him up one meter off the ground. She was beyond furious. She growled at him like a beast. Her eyes looked like those of a wolf preparing to feast on a lamb.

"How dare you!" She screamed at him and strangled him tighter "Do you think I'm just going to let this slide because you're my buddy? Think again shitface! I am going to mangle your face so badly that you won't even look human anymore."

Kris's mind precipitated into a deep and uneasy dread. He was screwed. Once Susie perceives that someone has insulted her, there's no way to stop her. The fact that she would probably regret it didn't comfort him either. What good could a thousand apologies do if he was going to be dead? But as it is said, it is during moments of hardships that true talent arises. Kris had an idea. It was both brilliant and stupid, but it was worth a shot. He began giggling.

Susie belted "What's so funny? Do you want me to beat you harder to wipe that smile off your face?"

Kris wasn't intimidated. His giggle got louder and faster until he was basically cackling. Susie, while still being mad, glared at him with uncertainty. She wasn't sure what do. Kris eventually slowed down his laughing.

He told her that he still remembered the time when she said that she trusted only those who ate her spit. He explained to her that technically, by kissing her, he had just eaten her spit and that the reason why he was calm was that he knew that all he had to do was to tell her that he hadn't done it on purpose and she would believe him.

Susie stared down at Kris, with her stoic expression.

"You're playing a dangerous game..."

She paused and contemplated what to say next. Finally, she made her decision.

"...but" She smirked in a friendly matter "I always maintain my word. You win this one, Freak."

Both exploded into laughter. All the previous tension vanished and they reconciled with each other.

"WOWIE!" Papyrus pinched his cheekbones "MY EXPERTLY PREPARED COOKERY WAS ABLE TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDSHIP STRONGER! SOMETIMES I HARDLY CAN BELIEVE HOW GREAT I AM!"

"Yes you are Papyrus" Susie giggled "Yes you are."