ALL The Maggotings

Dearest Most Beloved of Shofets... Hi... it is me. Gurashi An'Ryshe. I have many big words to share. Many big feelings. And have been doing my very best to handle these things by my self but. I am feeling very much like broken glass again, like I did when I first woke up from the Portal, and was very frightened and confused and hurt and lost. I am lost, and any decision that I make will make things worse, so am praying to You... ** a long pause, fidgeting ** When Friend Shulamit asked me to be a Beloved, I was ... excited. Because. I wanted to be a Beloved and I wanted to help You and Friend Aschwar and. Then the Shadow Court said -no-, and it hurt a -lot- and even though I did my best to get over it it just kept -hurting-, and I stopped being happy, because could not NOT think about it, and it did not seem right or fair. I believe in doing things for Love! It makes sense, and feels right, but everyone is angry with politics and the rules, but the rules don't make -sense- and... ** quieter, almost inaudible ** Am having so very much to give and share with the Basins, and already have so many friends from all -over- and... everything that already do is for my wonderful friends. And so it would not be much different, I thought - if joined, and stayed in the Glomdoring. Would learn how to be a better friend and show peoples that I love so very much how very much I love them. Hnn... maybe is the justification that gave myself for eventually doing it.... for joining... know was really selfish to go behind Shadow Court - Xenthos's back ... l... like ... ** a long pause - the clicking of beads clinking together, stifled, hiccuping breaths ** ...uhm. I. Think I have messed up, Shofets. So far, all I have done since we re-found Miss Sebitti, is lie. I, Gurashi An'Ryshe, have become a horrible, terrible, no-good liar. I have lied to my home, and my family - my FATHER - who all still think that I have not yet found a Divine to love. Am lying to everybody who asks about I still why cannot or sing talk because am ashamed of who I was. And worst - am lying to Friend Aschwar about knowing where Akuuko was. All of this time Akuuko was avoiding Aschwar, because got hurt by Your super powers, and they didn't want Aschwar to feel badly, and so they stayed away and asked me not to tell and so I never -told-. So Akuuko got to watch Aschwar, and love them afar. But still I -lied- to Aschwar and said I didn't know where he was but I -did-, and it was not my place. I did not know how muchly Aschwar loved Akuuko back. I did not know, Shofets. I am so sorry. ** more panicked ** and, I know where he - where dearest Akuuko - where is NOW, too - but, everyone tells me not to worry, and to not talk about it. Because he is safe and taken care of, but I do not know what that means because I am not allowed to see him. But my family - and, my father, they all tell me it will be O-K, and that he is O-K, and to trust them and trust the Lady of Roses, so I -have- been, but every time that think about it feels like body is made of icicles and hurts so badly. I love them but also am very scared of them, and that makes me wonder if that is right? It does not feel right. Cannot keep letting paradigms die because am lying. I miss being able to breathe. I love the Lady of Roses, but I don't think She thinks I love Her, and so She is probably very cross with me, but I don't know what to do. Do not know what to do. ** broken with gross sobbing and flustered hiccups ** I-I deserve ...ALL of Y-Your zappings and, a-and maggotings and ANGRY stabbings because I h-have been a Bad Friend... to Akuuko ... to Aschwar ... and that is the ONE thing I -never- wanted to be... t-to be a bad ... ** a long pause ** ... I just wanted to keep Friend Aschwar safe and happy... because they have already been through so very much... but I have been breaking their heart instead..... ** a longer pause, barely audible, spent ** I am so sorry, Shofets.