Kitty/Sam Ray/ Mathew Lee Cothran Drama

My Name is Mathew Lee Cothran
Mat Cothran
Mat Cothran
Aug 11 · 22 min read

CW: Suicide, Self harm, Substance abuse

I am going to, at length, address allegations and remarks on my behavior by Sam Ray, who I share a label with and have known for several years, and others who I have known and/or worked with, and some people I do not know at all.

Some things that have been said about me have truth to them, and some things are exaggerations, others are completely false. I am going to talk about everything to the best of my ability, so that I can understand all perspectives and tell my story too. Unfortunately a lot of what I am going to say is highly personal, which I think is terrifying, but I am in a position where I should explain myself, who I am, and where I have failed as a person.

I am going to talk about my life some, not to excuse my behavior in any way, but to provide context to the situation from my perspective.

I suffer from bi polar disorder, and I am not medicated because I cannot afford to be. I also have abused drugs and alcohol for the majority of my adult life, and I continue to abuse alcohol to this day. I experience paranoid delusions, anxiety attacks that render me non functioning, and physical ailments due to my alcohol abuse that at times make living for me a very difficult experience.

I mention all this only to provide context. I do not mean to excuse anytime I have wronged anyone, and when I have wronged others I have many times tried to atone for it. Some times I did not try to atone for it, and as a younger person I let my sickness destroy many relationships, my attitude was nihilistic and I lived my life in free fall. I have many regrets about how I have lived my life and how my life has turned out, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for clarity, for a way to turn off this raging, fearful, screaming voice of death that fills up my mind.

In October of 2018, my life time of anger, fear, and misery almost came to an end. I found myself completely alone, and knew that much of my isolation was due to my alcoholism and my inability to turn off the constant cycle of paranoia, delusion, fear, and rage. I put a gun to my head and pulled back the hammer, and with the gun to my head in my drunken state I fell to the floor, pulling the trigger in my fall. The Gun went off and a bullet went through a trash can, ricocheted off the floor and struck a piano. I fell apart entirely, I cried out to god, to my dead grandfather, begging for help. I was terrified because I had come so close to the edge and I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to cease and the screaming in my mind to be quiet. I wanted peace but I could find none because I continually abused alcohol, and I continue to abuse it to this day because I am an addict. My addiction has ruined much of my life, and even now, even before any allegations in regards to my behavior, my life feels over. I have spent the last few months trying to recover in isolation, but I have not been able to stop drinking, and I have not made enough progress on my rage issues, or on the traumas that inflict so much horrible pain on myself, and on my friends who have had to watch me die over the last few years.

I have never attacked anyone out of rage, and any accusation of that is not true. I have harmed myself out of rage. I have screamed and thrashed myself, cut myself, bashed my head into glass or walls, burned my skin, and generally done awful things to myself out of fear, out of anger, and probably other issues that are so deeply embedded into my consciousness that I do not understand them. I have said many things I regret out of anger, and I have cut people out of my life for slights both perceived and real. I have a tremendous problem trusting anyone, and that is my problem though there have been times in my life where I made my problems the problems of those around me, and for that I am deeply ashamed of myself. Over the years I have softened my approach but sometimes the levy does not hold. I am learning how to handle my paranoia and rage but I also do not know how to get help that is affordable to me. I do not have insurance, and I cannot afford to get it. I do not have (to my knowledge) access to free mental healthcare.

My earliest memory is of my father attacking my mother both physically and with a gun. They were both addicts, drunks, and also victims of poverty and child abuse. I was abused sexually multiple times as a child due to my parents neglect, I spent my childhood in constant fear and shame. I mention this not to excuse where I have done wrong in this life, but to provide context for my paranoia, for my rage. It does not mean my paranoia or rage are acceptable behaviors. I wish so much that I never had to talk about this part of my life, it still troubles me deeply, the pain has not lessened over the course of my 31 years here on this planet, and I do not know if it ever will.

I developed a friendship with Sam Ray several years ago. We were both artists working in a similar sphere of music, and i’d like to think that back then we saw a lot of ourselves in each other. I thought that Sam was incredibly talented, and his group of friends were open minded, loving individuals who accepted me instantly and that made me feel really great. For a long time we were close, sharing our projects with each other and listening to each other’s complaints about the business of music. We later toured together, and that is where a rift began to form between us.

I am not exactly certain where Sam’s resentment of me began, or my distrust of him. I do know that he did begin to resent me and I did begin to not trust him. It is true that I threw beer on him several years ago for something he said that I interpreted as mocking me. I did not throw a bottle, I whipped the beer can at him so that the beer would fly towards him and it did get on him. It was wrong to throw beer on him, and I should not have done it. I think that my actions hurt him, and it was something that I did out of anger without thinking. It was wrong, and I am sorry that I did that.

We later toured together in a time where both of us were more popular than we were before, and we both had begun to be heavily involved in the messier, more sinister elements of the music business. I think what had once been friendly competition became a paranoia fueled disdain for each other. I think that both of us are guilty of having paranoid ideas about the other. I often thought that Sam was manipulating the people at our label, our booking agent we shared at the time, and the people in our friend groups to not trust me. I recall we had a fight over the tour poster, and it was incredibly petty. Sam’s manager contacted me about the poster that I had paid to have made up and wanted Sam’s band’s name to be bigger on the poster. Instead of just sucking it up and having it changed, I was angry at being the only one to contribute money for the poster, and I was angry at what I thought was a meaningless aspect of the flier. In my mind I felt Sam was using his manager to goad me into anger. What is true is that I chose to be angry over something innocuous, it was infantile and it was wrong to be angry about it. After some time Sam and I talked and I apologized for getting angry and seemingly we were fine.

During the tour tensions unfortunately did not ease. Sam was never at the shows on time, forcing his band to do all the work loading and unloading his gear, and I felt he was being unprofessional. I had worked so hard to get to this point and I felt that Sam, who had parents that loved him and supported him financially, was disrespecting all the work I had done to get where we were. There is narcissism in that, and that is an unfortunate aspect of my personality. I should have let bygones be bygones, his band was annoyed with him but not to the extent that I should have made it my business. In my life there is a pattern of taking a slight the wrong way to an extreme, fueling a rage addled mindset and eventually doing more harm to myself than anyone who I feel has slighted me.

I do not know what Sam was going through on that tour, it is very possible he had issues that prevented him from doing what I felt was his job. Either way we all made good money and I hope, gave the paying folks who came to see us the best show we could. If I could go back I would enjoy the moment more, and pay attention to the negatives less, but unfortunately what’s done is done, and by the end of the tour my relationship with Sam had deteriorated to the point where I no longer wanted to be friends.

I did not do a 70/30 profit split with Sam’s band on this tour. We split profits 50/50. Sometimes I gave money out of my own pocket to the opener (Nicole Dollanghanger) because the house was sold out, I did not ask Sam to pitch in on the extra money, I took it out of my own profits because I felt that I was the leader of our group, I was treated as if I was, I handled a lot of day to day tasks, and I didn’t mind it. The idea that I forced him into any other split is a lie. I have tax records going back many years I can show them if I have to. I never had any desire for him and his band to make less money.

It is also true that I have accused Sam of lying about his life. This is because he has lied to me about many things, all of them harmless, but my trust issues and again, my rage and paranoia lead me to believe it was all part of some kind of mind game. I believed that Sam was trying to force me into suicide. He created twitter bots based on my account that would send me creepy messages because he knew that I was paranoid about being stalked online. My mental state deteriorated a lot during this time. Sam has claimed that I saw him go through withdrawals. I saw him claim to, I did not ever experience anything resembling opiate withdrawal from him at any point.

Sam has also claimed that I stole his prescribed xanax at a party. It is true that I did take many pills at that party, but I was given those pills by others, and I had no idea they belonged to him. I have never stolen anything from Sam, I have never gone through his belongings or taken anything that I thought belonged to him.

Sam would tell strange, completely implausible stories attempting to pass them off as real. One of them involved him going for a walk on tour only to be shouted at from a car. The man in the car he said, called himself Cheese (I believe he got this idea for this character from The Wire), and he invited Sam to join him selling crack rock for the day. He claimed that all this had happened and folks in the room would believe it. Later I was told that he was actually just on the phone with a friend, having tremendous anxiety and needing to be comforted.

Another bizarre story he told me was that he was once called the “n” word by a homeless person, he used the racist word in his telling of the story. He then said that when he went to work at a sandwich shop where he was the only white employee (which when I asked long term friends of his about they claimed he’s only had one job in his life, delivering food for a DP Dough Chain in Maryland, so I do not know if this job was real), the other employees, all black, told him he should feel proud for being called the “n” word because it meant he was cool. This story was the first time I ever suspected that he was lying to me, and I questioned what the purpose of these lies were, it did not make him look better, but I think at the time he felt it made him more interesting.

He was building a myth, it was salesmanship, though I do not fully understand what was being sold. I resented that he told these stories, but with years of hindsight I see that he was afraid of his pain and that is something I can relate to. I do think that every lie I have ever told was rooted in trauma, in fear of going back to the nightmare. Regardless I was angry about the lies, in my mind at the time I felt he was a fraudulent person, that he was a grifter who was using stories of class struggle to make himself appear more genuine. This put rage in my heart and it shouldn’t have. I should have just let it all go, at the end of the day they were just stories.

That is why I did not believe Sam’s stories about his addiction to heroin. I do not know if they are true or not. We had a mutual friend who died of a Fentanyl overdose and I felt the way he talked about addiction was disrespectful to his memory, comments like “The funniest part about being an addict” didn’t sit well with me. I mourned the loss of our friend a lot because I had not been there for this person and I felt responsible for his death. I felt Sam was responsible too, even though neither of us were, and that grew resentment.

The last conversation we had I told him I didn’t appreciate his lies, and that I couldn’t trust him, that I would be a fan of his music but I wanted no friendship with him any longer. We didn’t speak again for years. He wrote me a long letter around Christmas last year wishing me well, and explaining that he regretted that we had a falling out. I thought that it was a surprisingly happy ending to what had been at a time a great friendship that had come apart all together. Many of the resentments I held towards Sam I have long let go of, because it was doing such harm to me to dislike someone so much, and many of the reasons we disliked each other on both sides were based on hearsay or interpretations of each other’s behavior.

I have never damaged the equipment of Sam Ray, or any band in my life. When I threw beer on Sam there was no equipment around as it was all in the basement, that doesn’t excuse my actions of throwing the beer, it was wrong, I am just providing context to a statement about me that is false.

I have never stolen money from Sam Ray, I have never in my life stolen money from any person. I have been stolen from by my family and music associates and it was awful and leaves me with further trust issues. I would never do that to anyone.

I have never physically attacked anyone I was working with, I have never physically attacked anyone I was in a relationship with. I have never physically attacked Sam Ray or anyone else. I have never made a threat of violence towards Sam Ray or his family.

I have made threats of violence towards people that stole money from me in the music business. It was wrong to do so, I did so at a low point in my life under the influence of substance and alcohol abuse. It does not excuse my actions. I was wrong and I am sorry for that. There is a story going around that in Texas I was disrespectful to a DIY show promoter. This promoter attempted to steal money from us, and I was talked out of attacking him for stealing our money. I was also angry because at that show the sound person mocked a woman in our band and talked to her as if she was an idiot, I was on edge all night, but my behavior in response to these transgressions was wrong. My violent and turbulent upbringing kept me on edge and made me feel that I needed to fight to be treated like a person. I was wrong despite that motivation. I should have risen above it, I did not, and I deeply regret the times that I resorted to violence and violent behavior to solve problems that could have been resolved otherwise. As my youth has faded away I have come to understand how wrong I was and I have attempted to change. It is a process but I feel like I made progress.

I read that I made a 16 year old kid cry because I yelled at them for being late to a show. I can only think of one time in my life that anything resembling that situation has occurred and I will tell you what happened, because what I did was wrong and I am deeply sorry for it.

In Pittsburgh I had a show that was to be opened by a black metal band, I had not been told that this band would be opening, and they were an hour late for the show. I was angry because while I am a fan of heavy music, their music did not fit in with the show we had set up and I could tell that the crowd who had gathered there was confused as to why the show wasn’t starting yet because they were late. I attempted to get the promoter to start the show anyway, and let the band play whenever they arrived but they refused. I was becoming frustrated, and I texted our booking agent at the time that this band was disrespecting our event and that I was so angry I wanted to attack them, I said that to someone who I felt understand my rage was not literal, that often I’d say things that were wrong out of my emotional instability. For some reason our agent texted this rant to the band. I do not know why he did, as it was not intentional and he was not intending to warn them or anything else, he immediately apologized for sending our private conversation to this band.

What I said I said out of anger and frustration. I did not handle myself well and I had been drinking all day long. I was burned out and I was tired and I should not have been so angry. I heard the band arrive and I heard them come into the room adjacent to me, one of the members was scared and talking to another member of their band about how I had threatened them. I exited the room and approached them and tried to make things right. I apologized for what I said, I explained to them that I had felt they disrespected my livelihood by not being on time to the show, and talked it out with them. I was completely in the wrong to be so angry, and to be so quick to feel that rage. I tried to fix the situation as best I could, they played their show and I thought that it was settled, apparently it was not. I am sorry to that band, I had no right to be so angry at them. I did not know that they were kids, and I did not know that my conversations would be shared. Regardless I am responsible for what I said and I regret it.

I have never attempted to get Sam dropped by any label, agency, or management company. I have never used what little influence I have had in this industry to disparage him and try to take food off his table. Any accusation of me plotting, or attempting to destroy his career is false.

I have told people that I think he doesn’t tell the truth when they ask me about him. I have had conversations with mutual friends about why we weren’t friends and my feelings on our relationship. I have never tried to bury him for the sake of doing harm to his music, but I have expressed that I did not like him as a person. I never did this publicly. I would become frustrated when I would release music and Sam would immediately post disparaging comments about me on his social media. I felt that he wouldn’t let our issues go, even though I had not talked to him in years, he still went out of his way to call me “washed up”, or disparage my work. I never disparaged his work publicly or otherwise. To be frank I have not listened to his newer music, and I assumed that he had no reason to listen to mine, so I was frustrated to see him disparage it, and I held on to that frustration and on occasion that frustration turned to anger, I should have been more in control of my feelings in those situations.

I should have kept all that disdain to myself. I should have been polite and I regret not being so. I am sorry for perpetuating a petty anger on my part. I was paranoid about the same things Sam mentioned in his words, that Sam was trying to destroy my livelihood because he was angry that I called him a liar.

That livelihood is, and already was, essentially destroyed. I am completely broke, I am sick with alcoholism related health issues and mental trauma that pushes me towards a brink everyday. I wake up daily wondering if I will live or die. My booking agency (APA) dropped me because I had issues with the people they were working with that had sexually assaulted people, and protecting sexual abusers appeared to me to be a pattern of my agent, who is also Sam’s agent. I believed that Sam had pressured our agent to drop me. I do not know if this is paranoia or if it is true. It doesn’t really matter though, because I think that agent and that company is morally bankrupt. It was enough for me to believe that Sam’s goal was to turn as many people against me as possible, as revenge for ending our friendship.

I do not know if that motivation is true. I also am responsible for the degradation of our relationship. I am equally responsible for being dropped by the agency. When I brought up my concerns I did not do it tactfully, I did it out of anger and rage.

All things done in anger are undone by the same motivation. Rage is horrible. I would do anything to lift this rage from my heart, it has tormented me all my life.

Several months ago I cut many people from my life as I believed they were plotting against me and I heard things through the grapevine that were hurtful. Instead of trying to work these issues out I severed ties angrily with many people. I went about it the wrong way and for that I am sorry.

I needed space, and I still need space, to recover, to deal with my trauma and to reckon with the way I have dealt with it. I didn’t get that space in the right way and many people who now are saying that I am manipulative, I understand that thought. Blowing up my life seemed like the only way out of a situation I felt was a betrayal. I have no ability to trust anyone and it is a detriment to my life in every way.

It also should be known that I have never been contacted by anyone, not the people accusing me of manipulative or violent behavior, or anyone else, about these issues. A former drummer for my live band has called me a “horrible person” but went on multiple excursions with me, sharing hotel rooms and long car rides, without ever expressing any kind of discontent. It is also true that I had only a few days ago, ended my friendship with this person because I felt they were harassing me, and I do believe that their sudden and surprising defamation of me stems from the end of that friendship. Much of what they have said about me is entirely false, and there are many who can attest to my character. There are many people who have hatred for me, the music business seems to be motivated to turn all artists on each other, it is an awful business.

I have never attempted to “groom” anyone. I have a genuine love for music that is boundless. I have spent my entire adult life trying to give opportunities to artists that I felt were overlooked, I did this because I was always told I wasn’t good enough, that I was weird, and that I should quit. Anytime I tried to hype an artist, any deal I helped an artist negotiate was all done for the love of music.

I have felt bitterness for artists I have helped get a foot in the door who then cut off communication with me. That bitterness came from I think my issues with abandonment. I have never buried an artist who I helped find an audience to anyone, but I have expressed frustrations to people I thought were friends about how I felt abandoned by certain artists who did not help me when I was blacklisted by publications like Pitchfork and consequence of sound. It was wrong to hold these artists to some kind of standard for appreciating me. I didn’t go into the situation thinking it was transaction, and then because I was scared of being used and manipulated, I treated the situation as if I was owed some kind of thanks. I wasn’t owed anything and I understand that now.

I know there are people in the music business that have held personal grudges against me for many years. I have questioned the status quo many times, I have beat my head against the wall of people who didn’t understand the struggle of being born poor and throwing your whole life into the pursuit of music. There were things I wouldn’t accept from these people and I think it drove them into such a rage that they will do and say anything to see me die. I believe that these people want me to die.

Frankly, there are people in this industry who have done horrendous things to others, all of them are wealthy people, and I have kept silent about these things because I cannot afford to fight their lawsuits. I am ashamed that I have been silent about these things. The same people who have accused and spread misinformation about me know about these individuals but they say nothing, even though these people are wealthy themselves and have nothing to fear in speaking out. This is a targeted, and malicious attempt by several people to do harm to me because of interpersonal disagreements. My last conversation with almost everyone involved in this is me asking them to leave me alone, but they cannot leave me alone, they have an obsession with doing harm to me and I do not believe they will stop until I am dead. I believe that their goal ultimately is to kill me.

Sam Ray has made a video depicting my death and I was never notified about it. It upset me greatly and I felt it was a bullying tactic. It was played off as a joke from him but there were undercurrents to it that were hateful. I believe he made this video to demoralize and influence me to kill myself. I had previously expressed to him a deep fear I had that during a drug overdose I had died and that the life I was living was some type of hell, he continually and maliciously used that real fear I had to mock me, and often would tell me in conversations that I was dead and that this world wasn’t real. I know that it sounds ridiculous but to me, dealing with all these issues it was very damaging. I still to this day struggle with these ideas.

I also had in the last few days deleted my social media accounts. This is because I experienced a mental breakdown in the last few days and had planned to check myself into a hospital. I took down my social media accounts to try and center my life around getting better, and unfortunately the timing of these accusations towards me must appear than I am hiding from them. I hope that this communication with whomever is reading will show that I am not attempting to hide, only navigate the situation. I believed truly in my heart that I was going to attempt suicide again and needed to be put into a hospital for my safety. Texts with the manager of the label elvis depressedly has a contract with can show that. I was not able to go to the hospital because the costs were astronomical and I am afraid of going further into debt and losing my housing. I am still struggling with thoughts of suicide, and I am afraid for my life currently.

I write all this not to wipe the slate, or be forgiven, or anything else involving your ideas of who I am. I am a person, and I have sometimes been a shitty person. I am a sick person and have made horrible choices to medicate that sickness. I am fully responsible for how horrible my life is, and I know that. I do not know what is going to happen to me. The intent in me writing you is to understand why I am writing in the first place. What I can do to be less paranoid, less rage filled, less self harming, and do more good for this world and less harm to it and myself. I have done harm to myself and also to those that care about me, and I only in the last year or so became aware of how my self destruction has effected those that care about me. I have had many conversations with close friends who have expressed that they do not enjoy watching me die, and my behavior has changed. I am not fully where I should be but I am working hard, and I will continue to.

I am sorry because I know I have let many people down, and I know that many people will not be able to stomach me any longer. You are justified in that. In my life, many horrible things happened to me, and I could have come out of those traumas stronger, more able to help others survive the same, but I didn’t, I fell into the same cycle of pain and self destruction that my parents did. I will always regret that when given the choice of redemption or destruction I chose destruction. When I die there will be little to say about me except “What a waste”, if there is anything to be said at all.

I am terrified that I will die, and that I will die soon. It seemed inevitable before this and now it seems even more inevitable. I am scared and I understand that I will have to navigate that fear on my own. I do not think that I should die, but I understand that many feel I should die, and that is a thought that terrifies me everyday.

If you’re still reading and you are struggling with rage, with paranoia, with substance abuse, with mental illness, please don’t live like I have lived. Don’t fall down the endless pit of self hatred like I have. Drugs and alcohol only numb for so long, anger only heightens your pain, and paranoia only creates more paranoia.

I am deeply sorry to all those I have let down, to all people who have been hurt by my actions, my paranoia, mental illness, and substance abuse, and to everyone who has believed in my work for so many years. I have not done enough to insure that my self harm wouldn’t harm other people, and I am sorry for that failure.

There has been too much buried over the years in the small community of music I have been so blessed to be a part of, we all need to be talking to each other so that we can help each other. Our friends and families are dying, suffering, the artists of the world are struggling and worse, constantly pitted against each other, and no one but the worst of humanity profits from chaos and disorder. We desperately need to listen to each other, and I am all ears. If you want to reach out to me please do, be it with anger, sadness, or anything else. I have spent an entire life running from trauma and pain because I didn’t want to have that conversation, but it’s time now to talk about it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

(An earlier version of this article did not contain warnings for content that could be traumatic for some to read. I have since added that content warning and I apologize for anyone who may have been upset by the content of this piece previously.)


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i've spent so much of my time in music trying to hold my tongue about people i know make up extremely insidious, disgusting things about me to try and ruin my reputation or discredit me in some way (for so many reasons, but i think mainly bc i know so much about THEM) 1/
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        WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
        ‏Verified account @fugazi420
        Aug 10

i'm still holding that tongue and i'm not naming names and i don't want to stoop to that level but in the past few months a LOT of people i had thought in the past to be close friends (And who for reasons completely alien to me then - but i could guess at - had vanished 2/
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Aug 10

from my lives at a certain point) came around and contacted me/got in touch with me to apologize for things i didn't even know had happened - essentially believing lies they'd been told by someone i used to be close with and (rightfully, i thought then & still know now) 3/
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Aug 10

cut out of my life for my own safety & mental(+physical health) i didn't even know was making up things about me - i'm scared, honestly, to know what, but i've been through this so many times in music from so many strange people, usually not ones i know, so... eh 4/
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Aug 10

it's an incredibly weird feeling. i'll never know the extent to which they've managed to go out there & actively find ways (and i've seen them, when we were still 'friends', ugh, do this to others - brag about finding exactly 'the right way' to hurt someone/hurt someones 5/
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Aug 10

reputation w/ their peers - it's scary, it was then & i voiced that but was so young & looked up to this person & was so used to being gaslit by them & manipulated that i found ways to write it off in my own head i guess. i regret that immensely) hurt me & my life & my career 6/
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Aug 10

now hearing apologies from people i still like & never even knew - in some cases - disliked me for at all!  (or, in other cases, were forbidden by this ex-friend, from communicating with me & threatened/gaslighted if they did, allegedly) it's just still shocking despite how i 7/
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Aug 10

knew the way he felt about me, and stuff he'd said/done in the past - ways he'd attacked me over the years, and attacked me physically when we toured together. i don't know why i was so naive to think it wouldn't continue long after i tried to fully extricate myself from 8/
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Aug 10

the situation, him, everything bad he'd done, and all the ways his gaslighting, manipulative behavior had affected me over the years, from the time i met him at 20 or so (and looked up, honestly, to him - as someone older & wiser & more successful who took an interest in ME, 9/
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Aug 10

the struggling nobody musician, and emailed ME, wanted to hear MY songs, wanted to book US a show, etc. ughhhh) my personal last straw was being accused of faking/making up my years long heroin addiction "to entertain him" despite what he'd seen IN PERSON (me in w/d even) 10/
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‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

but that was really just a very small straw on a very broken back. it also has come up SINCE then even w/ my literal wife, who has known me since i was still fairly freshly sober, even, and seen all i went through - having to ask me if i lied about that bc of how insidious 11/
1 reply 1 retweet 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

that became. and even right now one of my closest and nicest friends (and last people i knew who still tolerated, let alone tried to help, this other unnamed gaslighting awful person) is telling me that he made ME a singular focus of his life - campaigning basically, against 12/
1 reply 1 retweet 34 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

me, viciously, and literally just mentioned he swore up and down i lied about my addiction, about drugs, about everything i suffered from and suffered through and even about (very personal) trauma in my life which contributed greatly to me turning to opiates & heroin. 13/
1 reply 1 retweet 35 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

i don't know what good it does to get off my chest besides this. but all of this has just made me realize in greater detail than ever that in pretending there's some dignity in keeping silent while being dragged through the mud & attacked & prodded & specifically having the 14/
1 reply 1 retweet 37 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

worst parts of my life and most traumatic things i've dealt with and so much else used against me to try and hurt me and make me break down, suffer, etc (something that only the absolute worst most toxic abusive person i've ever known has done before this & so it stands out) 15/
1 reply 1 retweet 35 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

all im doing is hurting myself and letting him hurt me more and probably looking even worse in every way than i do if i talk about it even in this vague way trying to finally ease some of the long-bleeding wounds from all of this, both the time we knew each other & apparently 16/
1 reply 1 retweet 35 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

SO much more long after i thought we no longer did anymore. and this is without saying ANY of the insanely horrible, horrific stuff that was said to me or  i was privy to or i was threatened with or he said about anyone else etc etc so much fucking awful, disgusting stuff 17/
1 reply 1 retweet 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

some of which i very naively or very stupidly laughed off uncomfortably or tried to just move past/move away from shift away from i truly wish i knew better why besides that i was young & unable to reconcile the dissonance of someone i looked up to & who had manipulated me 18/
1 reply 1 retweet 30 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

into LONGING - competing - for ANY praise from, like a starved dog looking for scraps at a dinner table - with the actual... monster - he seemed capable of becoming at any moment, or had hidden away. and every mutual we had  treated this "other" side as... a party trick? 19/
1 reply 1 retweet 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

and i don't know how many of us back then felt the same way and wrote it off due to each others uncomfortable shuffling away or what - i'd say i wish i'd talked more than w/ them about it but i tried and never had a resolution only awkwardness or confusion. oh well. its awful 20/
1 reply 1 retweet 31 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

and this is without any of the awful stuff he pulled on tour, or about music, trying to steal from me, money, songs, creatively, gaslighting me by accusing me of a million fabricated awful confusing things - throwing glass bottles at my head, dumping full beers on my gear & 21/
1 reply 1 retweet 39 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

computer bag clothes bags camera bags etc & my bandmates bags in the middle of tour, DURING a show - (because he walked up to us and we were laughing - at a joke the host told - and accused us of 'laughing at him')  after attacking me/us he texted me that 22/
1 reply 1 retweet 34 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

'it was ok, he forgave me, but hopefully i learned not to disrespect him anymore' - and there are SO many awful, unbelievable things done (that i regularly learned about after we parted ways) that aren't my place to speak on but horrify me endlessly.i thought i was the bigger 23/
1 reply 1 retweet 32 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

person for keeping myself "out of it" but i worry all i did was 1. enable his actions to continue when maybe i could have been someone to try to hold him better accountable - even though doing so before had failed 100%, privately & with our peers & 2. allowed him to use me as 24/
1 reply 1 retweet 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

a strawman & scapegoat & somebody to not just mock maliciously but actually openly fabricate so many stories about and blame for so many of his own shortcomings & issues& problems he caused himself. i found out today so many things he blamed me (publicly or at least among our 25/
1 reply 1 retweet 31 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

former peers & even mutual business associates) for in his own life & career and railed against and so many things he said about me that are 100% completely false - MUCH of it actually things he's done, problems he's caused himself, the exact stuff he's accusing me of - 26/
1 reply 1 retweet 32 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

like attacking "him" endlessly and trying to ruin "his reputation" and "making things up about him" when i've kept my mouth shut & kept it professional. was he scared? is he just an asshole? delusional? i don't know or care. it's despicable. there's no happy ending to this, i 27/
1 reply 1 retweet 32 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

literally am just going to get shit from people for even talking about it & the way its made me feel but it makes me feel fucking crazy today & i've had a fucking hard year so i'm going to say, for once, how much this all sucks & always has and despite there being no good that28/
1 reply 1 retweet 34 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

comes out of it for ME, i'll say - if you're in music, starting in music, want to be in music, or just a fan of music - WATCH OUT for people like this. DON'T LET people you look up to 'befriend you' if it's just a mask to steal from you, use you, abuse you in any way, 29/
1 reply 6 retweets 67 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

gaslight you, attack you, make up so many things about you, manipulate you in so many ways, and generally take so much of the "love & light" out of your life and the passion away from the art you literally lived for, in the past. it's insidious disgusting and very common. /end
3 replies 5 retweets 57 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

but yeah he's legitimately a dangerous individual who seemed to literally derive joy from making a little 16 year old kid in an opening band cry for being late to a show they were playing together bc of traffic and say he was sabotaging the show, call his agent & threaten him for
1 reply 2 retweets 47 likes
New conversation
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

the kids behavior (being late bc of traffic... and still showing up before doors! just pushing mat's soundcheck back) yell at the agent on the phone in front of the kid, then threaten to rape the kids mom, then brag about it later to his friends as if it was something cool he did
1 reply 2 retweets 39 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

or brag about fighting security at his own shows when they didnt want him to walk around publicly drinking a can of beer on the street or something (literally their job. insane asshole move on his part) & get into physical fights w them that end w/ him either throwing glass at
1 reply 1 retweet 35 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

their head or trying to push them into traffic . fuck him.
3 replies 1 retweet 30 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

cool and hearing about other shit he said about me (to groups of ppl and etc, at shows, even at shows WE PLAYED TOGETHER, after i'd left) making stuff up, putting words in my mouth - most egregious putting slurs?? in my mouth in making up stories about me - something i'd NEVER do
1 reply 1 retweet 25 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

unless he somehow time traveled to when i was a fucking piece of shit kid calling stuff g*y & r*t*rded and stuff like that cus the playstation was fucked up or the blunt went out on a ride or something like... sure, i HATE the person i was in highschool, in 05-09... but i'm sure
1 reply 1 retweet 28 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

it's not that. i'm sure it's something he made up specifically because he was sure it would be what gave people the MOST negative image of me he could give them, knowing his audience (and knowing how FUCKING LIVID it would make me if i found out, and i AM) that & the addiction
1 reply 1 retweet 25 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

thing make me so angry i can't even think straight and i can't believe i am SO STUPID to have literally gotten an EMAIL from him DURING the time we werent speaking (Recently!) apologizing for 'our past differences' and wishing for us to 'go our separate ways amicably' like... did
1 reply 1 retweet 22 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

he think i was out here doing the same shit to him? probably! thats how his brain works! he sees everyone as a reflection of himself, it's why the world is so evil & nihilistic misanthropic to him and why he treats it all w/ such barely contained rage! gross! its like the old
2 replies 1 retweet 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

"postal" video games or something to him. it DISGUSTS me. and i was dumb enough to literally write back wishing him the best & assuring him i'd harbor "no ill will" or w/e and shit like that, apologizing (in earnest!) for the issues we'd had (like him threatening me & my family?)
1 reply 1 retweet 24 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

fuck man its like a rollercoaster of feeling stupid & it never ends & it never drops you just ride higher and higher into the 'stupidity zone' - thats me, the chump, the rube, the fool, having been taken advantage of by the charming nihilistic huckster & used endlessly only to be
2 replies 3 retweets 33 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

, instead of chewed & spit like a watermelon seed or peach pit, kept around like a most-hated play-thing, or whipping boy, or whatever else. literally an object of rage he could lash out against or pull out to show off to people to deflect anger from himself or something. he saw
1 reply 2 retweets 27 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

as a dybbuk box he could buy off ebay and keep to pour all of his unending hatred & vitriol into. i'm hearing from so many people he remained "fixated" on me and "obsessed" with me and unable to "stop fantasizing cruelly and vengefully as if i'd somehow personally wronged him"
1 reply 1 retweet 27 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

which, now, i understand at least - that last one - why. apparently he blamed me for everything that ever "Went wrong" as far as he could see it in his life & Career, w/ his relationship, his music - anything. when all i wanted- desperately - was to NEVER even hear his name again
1 reply 2 retweets 38 likes

    End of conversation

    New conversation
    ʙᴇᴅʙᴜɢ ᴏɴʟɪɴᴇ
    ‏ @bedbugOFFICIAL
    Aug 10

Replying to @fugazi420

I was told this exact story. I'm really sincerely sorry.
1 reply 0 retweets 11 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

ay its all good. i spent so long being essentially groomed - fooled and duped and manipulated by this person and gaslighted into essentially dying for his approval of anything i did and anything i made - then watched him trash & thrash me and destroy me using all of the stuff
2 replies 0 retweets 9 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

i'd been thru in my life, experienced, my past trauma and so much else, that i'd specifically trusted to talk w/ him about thinking we were that close & i'd met someone i looked up to who could really help me and be there for me like no one really had before then - nope, and he
1 reply 0 retweets 10 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

moved immediately on to the next tiny nobody bandcamp/whatever musician who looked up to him and he could literally do the exact same thing to and i watched the same process repeat. and repeat. and repeat. so many people i could say / mention that i watched go thru it. no more.
1 reply 0 retweets 11 likes
ʙᴇᴅʙᴜɢ ᴏɴʟɪɴᴇ
‏ @bedbugOFFICIAL
Aug 10

This is very comforting.
1 reply 0 retweets 5 likes
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
‏Verified account @fugazi420
Aug 10

yeah no one who went thru that w/ him - in any individual way whether it lines up w/ whats been said or differs besides the broad shape - went thru it alone or on their own or without peer and ppl who understand completely. and in my case (& i think anyone elses) wld never judge
0 replies 0 retweets 10 likes

    End of conversation

    New conversation
    aaron powell
    ‏ @foglake_
    Aug 10

Replying to @fugazi420

good for you sam
1 reply 0 retweets 8 likes
aaron powell
‏ @foglake_
Aug 10

<3
0 replies 0 retweets 6 likes

    End of conversation

    zoë
    ‏ @layaboutchild
    Aug 10

Replying to @fugazi420

how can someone who looks like a hamster have so much evil inside him
0 replies 0 retweets 17 likes

    beach freek
    ‏ @skin1rot
    Aug 10

Replying to @fugazi420

proud of u for speaking out about this. please don’t blame yourself for any of his actions. obv idk the whole story or whatever but no one deserves this pain you’re feeling. sorry i’m not trying to like be a white knight or whatever i just think u deserve some positive feedback
0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes

    Juulia Podriguez
    ‏ @SlowBias
    Aug 11

Replying to @fugazi420

lmao i remember when all of “DIY” twitter got mad at me for dunking on this guy in 2014, including you lol

quite simply

owned
0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes

    nobody
    ‏ @indulgemyangst
    Aug 10

Replying to @fugazi420

holy shit, what? i super looked up to all of you, i had no idea it was so bad behind the scenes. im so so sorry for everything you've been through and tysm for sharing...
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    $OPHIE
    ‏ @comasoph
    Aug 12

Replying to @fugazi420

@radioclout

---------------------


kitty
‏Verified account @kittaveli

kitty Retweeted WILL GOD FORGIVE US???

man yall know idc about indie rock or boy drama but this whole thing is about mat cothran (elvis depressedly / coma cinema )
get this fool out of ur life if u havent already he is a horrible person lol

kitty added,
WILL GOD FORGIVE US???
Verified account @fugazi420
i've spent so much of my time in music trying to hold my tongue about people i know make up extremely insidious, disgusting things about me to try and ruin my reputation or discredit me in some way (for so many reasons, but i think mainly bc i know so much about THEM) 1/
Show this thread
12:48 PM - 10 Aug 2019

    81 Retweets
    399 Likes
    Gina Marie🌻🌻
    ᵐⁱᶜʰᵃᵉˡ
    Justin
    Abdelrahman Wael
    El Satanico
    Ali又
    alishia
    Grace
    kc

21 replies 81 retweets 399 likes

        kitty
        ‏Verified account @kittaveli
        Aug 10

i sworn off twitter drama and i know yall probably dont even know who this is but like dont bother looking him up the music is trash and hes legitimately suuuuuch a piece of shit. sucks that theres not even a fun drama thread to follow i just wanted to let u all KNOW
2 replies 3 retweets 98 likes

    kitty
    ‏Verified account @kittaveli
    Aug 10

damn i didnt realize nobodys ever Formally Denounced mat cothran OOPSIES honestly shocked that this is news lmao i thought everyone already knew about this idiot......i literally live in my own little fantasy world where none of the assholes exist LOL
2 replies 7 retweets 117 likes

    New conversation
    kitty
    ‏Verified account @kittaveli
    Aug 11

apparently mat has responded and i dont care stop sending it to me i read it and there are an abundance of lies and idk why anyone would trust anything he says
4 replies 2 retweets 37 likes

    1 more reply

    New conversation
    kitty
    ‏Verified account @kittaveli
    Aug 14

u know i been getting shitloads of messages all week about this tweet and i myself am about to embark on my most ambitious project so im busy but i just want u all to know:
i have heard mat say absolutely disgusting things about his fans, specifically, his loyal little followers
1 reply 2 retweets 54 likes

    1 more reply

    New conversation
    oatmeal connoisseur

🌿
‏ @ibutsui
Aug 10
Replying to @kittaveli

we should at least give him a chance to respond before cancelling him. still, sounds like a shitty person
2 replies 0 retweets 1 like
kitty
‏Verified account @kittaveli
Aug 10

im not interested in "cancelling" ppl...... he can respond however he wants lol
0 replies 0 retweets 25 likes

    End of conversation

    New conversation
    ferret bueller
    ‏ @ferretbuellerIL
    Aug 14

Replying to @kittaveli

I literally had a conversation with him after a show about how Elvis D kind of inspired me to make music and he proceeded to block me on Twitter after the fact. Such a two-faced asshole!
1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
kitty
‏Verified account @kittaveli
Aug 14

classic psycho mat behavior ugh. i am sorry on his dumb ass behalf!!
1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
ferret bueller
‏ @ferretbuellerIL
Aug 14

I couldn’t care less now, but it was shitty at the time. Thanks for being so real, Kitty! 💕
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    End of conversation

    New conversation
    your local degenerate
    ‏ @NikhyugaGMG
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

This makes me extremely sad :( my teenage years was basically Sam and Mat. Fuck that shit
1 reply 1 retweet 16 likes
rhiannon
™️
‏ @strngestrng
Aug 10

Yeah fuckkkkkk his music meant a lot to me going through being a teenager and it’s such asss that he’s a piece of shit :(
0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes

    End of conversation

    New conversation
    Grace
    ‏ @gracebananer
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

Some anonymous lady followed me a while back tweeted and accused him of a bunch of shit. She doesn't follow anymore but I really hope she sees this.
1 reply 0 retweets 12 likes
wellsy
‏ @infinitely
Aug 10

I had this shit too! everyone replying was like wtf? and it went ignored... so fucked to see this come out now
2 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
$lime
🤮
‏ @VewyScawy
Aug 10

i had this same girl follow my old account and tried dm her but she never answered
0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes

    End of conversation

    Terrance Pryor
    ‏ @TerrancePryor
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

0 replies 0 retweets 11 likes

    Hunter Hicks
    ‏ @huntsworthdoom
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

Oh god, I thought about maybe trying to get into his music and I’m really glad I didn’t now, what a dirt bag
0 replies 0 retweets 5 likes

    becc on my bull shit
    ‏ @maneatingbee
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

I loved how half (probably more) of the people he attacked were children
0 replies 0 retweets 6 likes

    girthy noodle
    ‏ @andsoitgoess
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

damn I hate to hear this about an NC band :/ that really is unfortunate
0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes

    Jenna,
    ‏ @HxuntedNovelli
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

this is so disappointing
0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes

    brandon

🍸
‏ @charlifenty
Aug 10
Replying to @kittaveli

Noooooo :( this makes me so sad
0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes

    Matthew D
    ‏ @mattmusic14
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

Found out about this through you, thanks for bringing this up. I also love how you said you don’t care about indie when he himself is strongly against it 😂
0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes

    New conversation
    computação celeste aplicada
    ‏ @etrangerceleste
    Aug 11

Replying to @kittaveli

@cybertrxsh que treta é essa do Sam com o Elvis?
1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
agnes
‏ @cybertrxsh
Aug 11

caralhoooo nao to sabendo de nada, to curiosa agora pq curto pra caralho os dois
0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes

    End of conversation

    urbandecay
    ‏ @urbandecay77
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

What a fucking asshole. That sucks.
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    エリアス (banned elias)
    ‏ @eliasisalive
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

That fuckin sucks. Enjoyed talking about Japanese wrestling with him, didn't suspect he was a shitty dude
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    strawberry sarah
    ‏ @sarah_maries
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

I was sad to hear about him being bad
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    becc on my bull shit
    ‏ @maneatingbee
    Aug 10

Replying to @kittaveli

I thought so
0 replies 0 retweets 1 like

    nicole!

🧼
🧴
🛁
‏ @nickiicoole
Aug 14
Replying to @kittaveli

This is terrible and I’m so grateful your exposing him but I love how Sam was like “I’m not naming names” and you’re like “man FUCK this guy this is who he is” like it reminds me of that one meme.
0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes