a guest Oct 15th, 2019 163 Never
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- I fucken did it. I have figured out how large Thano’s flaccid penis is. I know what you’re thinking: How could I have done this? Well, allow me to explain. I started out with an image. The picture was of Thanos and Iron Man standing next to each other. This image was exactly what I needed. It came directly from Marvel, so we know for certain that the proportions are correct. Now that we have the two characters, how does one go about actually determining Thano’s length? That’s easy. We only need the length of Robert Downey Jr.’s penis. Luckily, we have a vague idea of just how large that is. Back in 2014, Robert Downey Jr. was quoted saying something along the lines of: “I have a massive dick, and feminism is a joke”. From this statement, we can determine one major thing: Robert Downey Jr. slays women with his massive peen.
- But just how big is “massive?” to answer that, we need to do some research. Taking to the internet, I used pixel measurements, and calculated the length of many many penises, that belonged to various different porn stars. I averaged the results, and came up with about 3.8 inches flaccid, on average. If Robert Downey Jr. truly has a massive penis, than his must be slightly larger than this. Therefore, I elected to round up to 4inches.
- Next up, we need to do some more pixel measurements. Tony stark is 6’1” so in this image, we used that number to calculate how many pixels per inch this picture had. We came up with the number of 7 pixels per inch. Using this number, we were able to discover that thanos was 98 inches tall, or 8’2”. The same was done for horizontal width. After some quick calculations, we determined that Thanos was approximately 1.36 times larger than Robert Downey Jr. With this proportion in hand, we can now do the unthinkable. If we take Robert Downey Jr.’s length of 4” and multiply it by 1.35, we get 5.44”.
- Now I know what you’re thinking. 5.44 inches? That’s pathetic. But think of it this way: That’s his flaccid length. Now, imagine Thanos when aroused. On average, the human penis generally doubles in length when going from flaccid to hard. This means that Thano’s kielbasa is likely almost 12 inches, when fully erect. If you still think that this is small, just try and imagine that absolute unit of a cock shoved into your tight little ass. His massive purple rod being passionately thrust back and forth, ripping your rectum to shreds. And don’t even get me started on his cum. The thought of Thanos just unloading gallons and gallons of children into me just makes me rock hard. There is nothing that turns me on more than Thano’s massive 12 inch dick. I wish he would just shove it in every hole in my body. I want him to take his flaccid dick, and wrap it around my neck like a noose. That would just be pure ecstasy to me. Getting strangled to death by Thano’s bad boy would probably feel so amazing. The only thing that would make it better, would be if he wasn’t circumcised. I’d be able to peel back his foreskin, like a big, purple, meaty banana. I’d peel it back, and I’d eat every last particle of dick cheese. I’d lick it all up, until his meat flute was all shiny and sticky. And once it’s all lubed up, I’d let him put it in my butt again. He wouldn’t hold back this time. He’d fuck me so hard, that all my inside get jimmied around, and it would be amazing. Then he’d cum again, but this time there’s be so much that it fills up my entire body. Just imagine: Thanos has almost finished ravaging your butthole, when he unleashed a tsunami of hot, sticky semen into your body. It fills up your ass, but Thano’s sex pistol is so thick, that it won’t leak out through my booty. But he keeps releasing more. Eventually, it starts filling up my intestines and stomach, before it eventually begins to quickly flow out from my mouth. At this point, I’m vomiting Thanos’s cum everywhere, but I’m not doing it fast enough. The pressure builds, as the semen starts to slowly drip out of every hole im my body. My dick, my nose, my ears, and even my eyes. But it’s just not enough. Thanos’s keeps ejaculating. He’s like an infinite water source of daddy sauce. The pressure is too great! I explode in a glorious display of semen and viscera. By stomach as burst open, and I am now just a head and torso, but only the back half of my torso remains. Yet somehow, I survive. All my limbs are blown off, as well as my own dick. Thanos caresses what’s left of my face, with his thick, purple hand.
- “I want to keep going.” Thanos says to me, gently, “Are you okay with that?”
- Despite the fact that my windpipes are mostly exploded, I manage to say to him, “Yes.”
- Thanos nods, and proceeds to kiss me passionately on the lips.
- He unsheaths his excalibur, and gently inserts into the new hole, where my dick used to be. He picks me up, now that I’m little more than a lump of flesh. He slowly pulls his dick in and out of me, in an attempt to make sure that my new pussy would be an adequate hole. Upon determining that it is, he begins to violently move me up and down, as if I was nothing more than just a fleshlight. But since I was with the love of my life, Thanos- I didn’t even care. After a little while more, his sex pistol is cocked, and he fires one more last burst of cum. This shot was so intense, that I slide right out of him, and blast off into space. “Million Miles An Hour” by Nickelback begins to play, as I rocketed through the cosmos. The intense heat of Thano’s semen prevents me from freezing to death.
- Back on the planet where we fucked, Thanos quietly whispers to my quickly shrinking body, “No homo…”
- I traveled through the galaxy for what felt like days, before I became caught in the gravity of a black hole. Thanos’s semen was still keeping me alive, but the propulsion wasn’t strong enough to prevent me from getting sucked in. Upon reaching the black hole’s event horizon, something incredible happened. Thano’s juice ignited, and exploded. The explosion eventually resulted in the formation of a star. Upon the star’s creation, I was launched out into the star’s orbit, before my body was ripped apart by the immense gravity of the sun, and my various parts were cast to the void. But my soul remained attached to the star that had just formed. I watched for billions of years, as my pieces’ own gravitational pulls slowly began to attract other particles, until they all eventually became planets. I continued to watch over this new solar system. Eventually, on the third planet out, I saw something amazing. I watched, as from the planet’s primordial ooze, a small life form emerged. Through the ages, I watched as this life evolved, grew and took on a much more complex form. After some time, they became a species known as “human”. These human were intelligent. But not nearly intelligent enough for other beings to visit them. The Humans eventually named me. I was to be referred to as Sol. I continued to watch over these humans, as their culture developed further. Unil one day, a film known as “Avengers: Infinity War” was released. It was a cultural phenomenon, although it wasn’t very good from an objective standpoint. But the humans loved it. And one character, they love more than most. And his name- was Thanos. When Thanos appeared as a character on Earth, I knew that my journey was complete. I cannot explain how, but some way or another- some part of Thanos had stayed with the body part that eventually became Earth. And as a result, his influence could be seen all throughout history. This all came to a head, with Infinity War. Thanos’s semen gave life to an entire planet of creature, and they repaid him in the ultimate way. Thanos has now been forever immortalized in their culture. As the most competently written characters, in one of the most mediocre movies of all time.
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