Thread 63: Stories 16-30

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 >Dash
"???"
~~~

>MMmm... yep.

Dash was not a coffee-lover, per-say. She took it only when she had just a biiiit too much during a party... or when she was trying to deal with the headache of the Wonderbolts.... or if she wanted to make Pinkie stop making her head hurt... or when something went wrong... or when she felt like it.

In hindsight, she might have a problem.

But problems were for tomorrow! For today, it was all about sipping her coffee, picking up her paper, and...

>HRK....*GLUP*... hah! Very funny, Lightning Dust, but you didn't make me spit-take! HAH!

She nodded, going over and 'borrowing' her neighbors paper, all the while taking another sip.

>...HMMM...*GLUP!* Hah! Okay, dedicated to the con, I'll give you that! Ten out of ten! Appreciate the dedication, now if only you were that dedicated to training!... Heh....

She decided that in order to avoid it all, she was going right to the source.

>One paper please!... Mmmhm... yep... mmmmhm... hey, do you guys sell coffee?

"We do!"

>Thanks, one of those please... mmmh.............PFFFFT!

"ACK!"

>WHAT THE FUCK! WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT-

"Are... are you going to be a while?"

>-WHATWHATWHATHWHATWHAT-

"You're holding up the line.

>-WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT-

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NC
>Cheerilee
"Applebloom"
'Sweetie Belle'
[Scootaloo]
~~~

>Alright class! It's time to...

"..."

>...Didn't you three move up to Canterlot?

"Yep."

>...Soooo... why are you-

"AJ says she's worried the giant bug monster's gonna snap and kill everyone, and would prefer iffin' Ah' was far away before the prostitute drives her nuts."

>...M'kay. You?

'Rarity was supposed to pick me up yesterday, but I haven't seen her yet..."

>Huh.

'I had to sleep in the clubhouse.'

"Ah' told ya' ta' come inside!"

'Granny Smith smells!'

>Ignoring that, you?

[I... I didn't move up to Canterlot, remember? I live down here.]

>Oh, right, you have no important family.

[...]

>Sorry.

[W-what for? D-... doesn't bother me none...]

>Are you crying?

[No! My eyes are spitting because I'm tough!]

>Fine... you know what? I'm not even questioning it! I'm not even questioning any of this! You don't ask, I won't ask!

"...So Ah' AIN'T supposed ta' ask about that bull thing behind ya'?"

>NO!

'Oh good, I would have asked why he was blue otherwise.'

>...D-did you say blue?

[Er-]

>RUN CHILDREN RUN!

*BLAMBLAMBLAM!*

"...Ah' missed this, I think."

>WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING ARE YOU INSANE!?

'We came back, that should tell you everything.'

>SHOTTY DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

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>AJ
"Sunset"
~~~

"Applejack? I have a question."

>Iffin' it's about the dang changelings, ya'll can just go jump off a cliff.

"Oh, I'll get to them eventually, but more I'm going to ask about the guard situation."

>It sucks.

"..."

>...Did ya' need clarification? Most of 'em are cashin' a cushy paycheck right now fer' nothin'.

"Well, then clearly we need to end that program."

>No yeah, that's totally fair. Make'em fight a bunch'a their friends turned inta' freakin' mushroom monsters and when the trauma actually makes 'em unable ta' fight? Fuck them, right?

"Well, too bad for them, we need to punish the ones who are just abusing the system."

>No yeah, that makes sense, punish a bunch'a guys who fought unkillable monsters fer' us cause a few of 'em are just lazy.

"Well, then we need a way to weed them out!"

>How? It's like, they go to a psychologist, say "Yeah, stabbin' mah' friend repeatedly and him not dyin' made me messed up" or "ya' know what's fucked up? Watchin' yer godchild bite yer' best friend in the face." And then what're they supposed to say a'sides "Well yeah, that's fucked up and probably did some damage!" this is the easiest thing in the world ta' fake, if any of 'em are even fakin' it at all!

"Well... then we need to reduce their pay to fund new soldiers!"

>They're already not gettin' paid a lot.

"Fine! Then we just reduce the pay of ones with a job!"

>So, punish the ones who AREN'T bein' lazy and just cashin' a paycheck.

"..."

>...

"...Can we just hire gryphons?"

>We ain't exactly on good terms with 'em right now.

"What? Why?"

>...Long story.

"Fine! Then just... just take the ones from the Empire, there's a bunch over there!"

>There ain't really.

"Well, they owe us one!"

>Us? Ya'll didn't do jack shit.

"I meant the CANTERLOT us!"

>...

"FINE! Then re-assign most of the Wonderbolts!"

>...Er...

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CITY!?"

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>Daw
"32"

>SEE!? She thinks so too!

"Congratulations, you are both incorrect."

>Sounds a damned sight better than bug monster, thought, dunnit?

"Alien implies we aren't even native to the planet!"

>Fine, I'll settle fer Otherwordly Indiviual, deal?

"I fucking hate you."

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NC
>Celestia? We both got a question-

"I quit."

>...W-...what?

*Walks off.*

>C-celly? Celestia? Ya' can't just... yer' gonna turn around now, right?...Right? Celestia? CELESTIA!?... Ahhhhh... fuck...

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"Sunset"
>56
-Luna-
--

"Oh holy horseshit this place is just... so bad. Why is everything so crazy?!"

>Actually, everything's pretty normal

"Gah!! Don't sneak up on me like that, you creepy bug alien!! Get away from me!!"

>Hurtful...

"I don't care what the Princess said, I don't have to like you, leave me alone!"

>Um, sorry? I just saw yer butt and I was kinda taken by it, you know?

"I-I... Pardon?"

>Yer butt! it aint a 10 or nothing, but its got potential, ya need to work to get a moon like moons, or an applebutt like Applejack!

"...I'm disgusted and confused."

>Ah don't worry about it, here, lemme' test ya!

"AAHH!! W-WHAT TH-- GRK! DID Y-YOU JUST NIP M-- STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY."

>Hmm, yeah, not too bad! Give ya a 7!

"...Y-you assaulted me!"

>Wha? Nah! Just gave ya a test! ...By the way, kinda had a hint of sugar, or bacon.

"...So violated..."

-AHA, We thought we wouldst find thou, Sunset Shimmer!-

"P-princess Luna! It's good to see you!"

-Likewise, we wish you well in your new studies. An-- Oh, greetings, 56!-

>Heya moons! Still wearing the ribbon, huh?

-O-oh, y-yes, young one, we like it a bit too much...-

>No problem moons, just means yer prettier an' yet butt looks bigger!

"...Why are you blushing like a filly?"

-A-ahem, we must depart. We would have words with thou later, 56. Goodday, Sunset.-

"..."

>I love moons, she's so... lovable

"...That's creepy on so many levels."

>I'll bring some chocolate, love licking that off

"...So... creepy..."

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NC-addition
~
"I will make this perverted crap come to an end even if I have TO BEAT THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUTTA THAT BUG MONSTER". Gah that fucking weird bug! I... I'll kill him!"

'Good luck, I couldn't kill him with acid or rockets, or acidic rockets. And I'm Diamond Tiara, so you're up against that."

"...W-was that filly hulking around a massive rocket launcher...?"

'HEY! DON'T CALL SEXY FAT!!"

"I don't..."

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 >Screwloose
'12'
"High Roller/Snake Eyes"
---

>He's so... adorable when he sleeps

"Okay, coming from you, that sounded--"

>Blissfully unaware that I could cut his throat, too

"--Theeeeere you go."

'...*snrk*... nuh..'

>D'aw

"He's not a pet."

>I am aware. He is a pervert

"Why do you call him that anyway?"

>Oh, well, he brought attention to my hooves when I was incarcerated, wondering how I kept them so nice considering I was in a straight-jacket

"So you called him a pervert?"

>He was so easy to tease, but... he is learning

"...Don't put your hoof on his lips, Screws..."

>Shhh, he's blushing

"...Oh Celestia, did he just lick your hoof?"

>I may or may not have forced a fetish onto him

'...s'nicehooves...*zz*...'

>...But I'm not complaining

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>Shimmerbutt, let me just snuggle your b-*KRACK-BOOM*

>Oh, is that bacon I smell? Just a little nip and you wi-*KRACK-BOOM*

>Uhm, you realize this doesn't hurt me, r-*KRACK-BOOM*

~~~

"And that best part is, he keeps coming back. Like, I can literally apply over 10 Nwwtons of force to his body to catapult him into low earth orbit. His trajectory carries him all the way tot the ocean, he is set on fire on re-entry, swims all the way back and just... asks for more! This is the most stress-relieving thing ever. plus, I get to work out my magical muscle."

>Hi Shimmer!

"Oh, hey freak of nature!"

>So about that buttsnuggle I wanted t-*KRACK-BOOM*

"I feel so much better!"

'...ah feel lahk am missin' sumethin' here. But ah can't put mah hoof on it.'

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
[Rarity]
{Spike}
(Cadence)

>Howdy! I'm Applejack, Princess of Equestria, this is mah doggy, Whinnying Onus, the cutest lil' doggie in the universe. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me one day, when Celestia came drunk into my room, and gave me wings an' a horn.

>Since then, ah have sang...

A keyboard chimes in

>Twenty-five years an' my life is stiiiill

>Tryin' to get uppa that... great big hill of hoooo....PUH

>Fer a destination

>An' Ah realized quickly when I knew Ah shoOUUUUUUuld....

>That the world was made up of this BROOOKENNN SYSTEM OF MAAAAAAARRRRES...

>...Fer hhhhwatever that means

Suddenly, a bopping disco beat chimes in

>And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out what's in my head

>And Iiii-Iiii-Iiii...

>Ah'm feeling, a little peculiar-ar-ar-ar

>And so I wake in the morning An' I step outside An' Ah take a deep breath and git real high

>An' Ahhh, scream t' the top of mah lungs

>What's goin' on?!

>....-an' ah' say-

>HEEEEYEEAAAYEEEAYEEAYEA

>HEEEYEEEAYEAA.

>AH' SAID HEY

>HWAT'S GOIN' ON!

>An' AH say

>HEEEEYEEAAAYEEEAYEEAYEA

>HEEEYEEEAYEAA.

>AH' SAID HEY

>HWAT'S GOIN' ON-HUOOOWH!

Celestia embraces her morosely

"And she tries..."

>Oh mah GOD, do Ah try...

>Ah t-try, all th' time...

"In this institution...."

'AND SHE PRAYS'

>OH MAH GOD, DO AH PRAY,

>AH PRAY EVER SINGLE DAYYY

'MYAH!'

>FORR A REVOLUTIOOOOONNNNN!

>AND AH SAY

>HEEEEYEEAAAYEEEAYEEAYEA

>HEEEYEEEAYEAA.

>AH' SAID HEY

>HWAT'S GOIN' ON!

Rarity and Spike appear, in harmonial tandem, they sing

>AND AH SAY

>HEEEEYEEAAAYEEEAYEEAYEA HEEEYEEEAYEAA.
[Doooooooon't cryyy ouuuut louuuuuud]

>AH' SAID HEY
[Just keep it insiiiiiide]
{Just keep it inside}

>Learn how to hiiiiide your feeeeliiings
[Learn how to hiiiiide your feeeeliiings]
{Learn how to hiiiiide your feeeeliiings}

The disco continues, as Cadence busies herself stirring a spoon in a pot, with difficulty and fire.

>-YEAAYEEAAYEAA AH SAID HEY

>WHAT'S GOIN' ONNHOOYEEEEEEAH

The disco beats die down, leaving the sombre keyboard left. Applejack sings on, sad, and alone

>T-twenty five years...an' mah life is stiiiil....

>Trying to g-get up that...great....big....hill..

>Of Hope

>...For a desti...nay..tionnnnn...*sniff*

The keyboard plays the tears away, with a final chord.

...

...

...

(...Now is time for cake!)

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100% not canon
"Celestia"
>Pommel
-???-
'Daw'

"For too long there has been a hole in our chain of command. The determination, character and leadership of a single pony can be the difference between an uplifting success and a massive failure. With the Royal Guard under the leadership of Bronze Pommel, Equestria can look toward a brighter future with security, safety, and prosperity for all!"

"That is why I have arranged for this ceremony, to formally induct Bronze Pommel as captain of the guard!"

>Thank you Celestia. I am honored to stand today as captain of such an important group of ponies. Looking around at your faces, I can see the power, the intensity, the sheer determination in each and every one of you. You stand before me to make Equestria better, and together we shall! The soldiers of the royal guard, stand united!"

'Woohoo! Go Pommy!'

>My first change is to rename the guard contingents. Given that there are now more than two Princesses, it is inaccurate to be divided into Solar Guard and Lunar Guard, as it implies fealty to one specific princess."

>Instead, they shall be renamed Day Guard and Night Guard. Many ponies already used these less formal names, but it shall signify that we now represent all of Equestria's leaders.

>Secondly, our currently small numbers necessitate additional training. We need to be skilled in many forms of conflict resolution, with a focus on martial arts and kindness, to ensure we are prepared for anything!

-This is preposterous! I object to your choice, Princess! No Night Guard has been given serious consideration for Captain since Luna's banishment, one thousand years ago! Bronze Pommel, I challenge you to honorable combat! Winner gets the position!-

>If this is how I must prove myself to my men, so be it.

"DAYGUARD"

'aaaAAAAAaaaahhh!'

"FIGHTER OF THE NIGHT GUARD"

'aaaAAAAAaaaahhh!'

"CHAMPION OF THE SUN!"

'aaaAAAAAaaaahhh!'

"YOU ARE A MASTER OF KARATE"

'AND FRIENDSHIP'

"'FOR EVERYONE'"

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"56"
'Steam Gauge'
-Quicksilver Sash-
---
"Moons, moons, lovely mooons~ Imma grab the chocolate for the mooons~ Imma-- GASP! NEW PLOT!!"

'Did I just hear somepony say the word 'Gasp'?'

-AHH FAUSTDAMMIT COLD NOSE!! WHAT THE HELL!!-

"Hm, snuggled! Give ya a 7. Needs to be cushier."

-Dude, you don't just walk up to people and rub your face on their arse!-

"Nah, its fine. You got a nice booty, miss!"

-Wh-- S-shut up!-

'HAAH, again! Haha... daaamn.'

"You should eat more cake, like Celestia or Moons! Build up that booty!"

-I-i'm a stallion, you dummy!-

"...Oh."

-Exactl-- -

"I don't mind, plot is plot, and you have a nice butt."

-...-

'This is too good. Sash, you're just... oh, wow. That's a hell of a blush.'

-Gauge! S-shut-up! It's totally weird, he likes to fondle ponies! I-its not nice to do! N-no matter how much I'm b-blushing!-

'Uh-huh.'

-I-involuntary bodily reaction to outside stimulation!-

"You know, you're really feminine for a stallion, that's like... I know this one changeling in the ballroom, LOVES that kind of thing, dunno why... Hm, anyways seeya,. I gotta see my Moons!"

'That was hilarious.'

-Fuck you, that was not funny.-

'You know its your own fault right?'

-Oh screw you! How is it my fault?!-

'You're wearing eyeliner and makeup, dude.'

-O-oh come on! A stallion can't make himself look good!?-

'Well COME ON! You can't help the mare-ish build, but it's NOT like your mane, OR the hoof-warmers are hurting your cause! AT ALL!'

-S-shutup!-

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>SA
"2"
~~

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"...Uh, Shiny?"

>No, Two, you're not supposed to look this beat up after a date.

"Oh, okay, just checkin'."

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>Sunset
"Applejack"
~~~

>Okay! I have ANOTHER question!

"What a surprise."

>No, you're going to like this one... what the fuck.

"Hah, Ah' DO like it, cause it's prolly about those dang-"

>No, no seriously, what the fuck.

"Are ya' gonna clarify? If not Ah'm gonna have ta' beat ya'."

>WHAT THE FUCK!

"EXPLAIN!"

>...There's ANOTHER alicorn!? A REAL ONE!? NOT A FAKE ONE!?

"Oh... look, long story, but she wanted ta' be useful, so Discord did a thing and... look, don't you be givin' her no lip, ya' here! She's been under a lotta stress tryin' ta get a handle on them powers, and she's done suffered enough without ya'll havin' ta' call her out like a bunch'a others did on account'a her bein' an alicorn. She's trainin' her little pink tail off tryin' ta' control it so it don't get outta hoof like it did that one time, and-"

>WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?

"...Yer' talkin' bout Fluttershy, right?"

>NO! The white one!

"...Celestia?"

>SHORT WHITE ONE!

".....Oh... OHHHHH! Oh yeah, Rarity!"

>...

"...Ah' dunno, that one confuses me too."

>WHAT THE FUCK!?

"No arguments here."

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>32
"Vekir"
'Pommel'
[Daw]
~~~~

There was something surreal about watching an armored blue morlock excitedly bounce on his lap, but none of them could quite pin down what it was.

"Yes! Very very muchly trading, Zhetri Thul! Brother Rekulk has been working muchly hard for trade with others, that's why Vekir is off to catbird land when she gets her bodyguard!"

>An excellent choice Vekir... the body guard thing, no so much the... uh, 'catbird' thing, which I assume to mean will involve Gryphons?

"That what Vekir said, Catbird! And do not worry, Vekir talked muchly with Catbird chief and wife chief!"

>And you didn't steal from them?

"No! Why you think that?"

>Mostly because you have pilfered all of my silverware several times now.

"...Vekir is looking at it to make sure it is safe."

>Uh huh...

'So... you're one of the... farmers?'

"No! Vekir is ambassador!... Sorry, Zhetri Thul."

>Oh no, I'm glad you found your passion. I only assigned you there because honestly, I had no idea what to do with you.

[Wait, then what did she do before that?]

>...Uh...

"Vekir was holder."

'Holder?'

"Yes! We bite on legs of many many legged hardshell and hold it in place while hunters stab it!"

[...Don't that mean you're gonna be right where they'll attack you?]

"...Not a lot of holders..."

>It was a nightmare, so I assigned her to farm.

"BUT FARM IS BORING!... So Vekir sees world now!"

[Can't believe I'm askin' this, but what did you farm?]

"Mushrooms."

>'[...*Shudder*...]'

"What?"

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