Chapter 7: Unbridled Rage.
July 31, 2015 at 5:49 PM

Three Years ago I was really loving The Walking Dead, and kept trying to find some good zombie games to help fill the void when the seasons ended. This search always fucking failed because when I google Every Zombie Game Ever Made. I would then not get what I ever searched for. Somehow according to Google, EVERYTHING EVER MADE is in no way different than THE 10 BEST.
Despite the utter lack of interest in giving me what I asked for, I clicked on the top 10s and top 50. And they were full of shit I played like Left 4 Dead and Killing Floor or were full of shit from the NES or Sega System that I have absolutely no interest in. Fuck the NES, Fuck the Sega Genesis, Fuck The Dreamcast, fuck DOS, fuck all that shit. Gimmie something I can get immersed in.
A lot of the lists did the same shit everyone who complains about an oversaturated zombie game market do and that's not understanding the major difference in a zombie game and a game that happens to have a few zombies in it. Oblivion is a game that has a couple skeletons, headless zombies and zombies in a few caves and spells. Is it a zombie game? FUCK NO!!!
Dark Souls doesn't actually have zombies, they got hollows which are quite different to zombies but they do have skeletons. Is this a zombie game too? FUCK NO!!!!
But that didn't stop moronic IGN from putting those two games on the list of the 50 greatest zombie games ever made.
Left 4 Dead is a zombie game, and it got put on number 1. Who woulda guessed that?
Dead State is a zombie game, Fort Zombie is a shitty zombie game, State of Decay is a zombie game.
While searching and searching to broaden my zombie game horizons I found out that in a couple months time The Walking Dead would have a game of it's own from a company I have never, ever heard of. Telltale Games.
I watch some videos on it and they hype up the comic influence and I didn't give a shit about the art style. What got my interests peeked was them going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on and on and on about how the game changes based on your choices and all these special things can happen depending on the little things you do and how just like in the comics and show, ANYBODY can die at ANY TIME and how you should play the game over and over again to see what other choices give you and compare them with friends.
I don't fully recall, but I wouldn't be surprised if they said something about no other game doing it before.
needless to say, I get really hyped up at the prospect of games changing radically based on choice. Or at the very least, changing a bit based on choices, so I shelled out 40 bucks for all 5 eps.


I'm not going to build anticipation of what I thought of it from Day 1 to finale and I am not gonna carefully go through my thoughts from when I first started episode 1 to my thoughts at the end.
Instead I am gonna skip all that and immediately go into how much I hated every single miserable god damn nanosecond of this fucking worthless, shitty false advertising game that was made by the fucking 00.fucking01 IQ having man-children with their absolute befuddlement at the concept of sound design or having a believable story that makes fucking sense and their lack of understanding what the fuck player choice even fucking means or what the fuck episode continuity is. Goddamn incompetent cocksuckers.
The Walking Dead game, along with MW2 and Two Worlds is one of the worst games I have ever fucking played.

First clue I should have had that this ShitDrivel was not what I had been led to believe was in Episode 1 and I get to Herschel's Farm with some fucking mouthbreathing rednecks who wandered into the neighborhood Clem and I were hiding in and somehow made the mistake of thinking someone as black as Wesley Snipes can sire a pitch white fucking kid.
Herschel walks out and starts saying a bunch of shit to his generic crewcut kid Sean and all I can think is Why the fuck does Herschel sound like a god damn robot? His voice is more fucking robotic and staticy than Microsoft Mike the cartoonishly robotic text to speech voice from the motherfucking 90's that was used in Arby and The Chief, one of the 9 million "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE REAL LIFE" themed machinima shows from Digital Ph33r or however he spells is fuckawful name.

Nothing gave any clues to the shit this fuckpuddle of a game put me through in episode 1. Which in hindsight is fucking perplexing since two "choices" didn't do jack goddamned shit just like all the other "Choices" in the rest of this heap of flaming dog shit of a fucking game.

I should back up a few minutes. The real first choice was the fucking sign.
In the opening of the game you are sitting in the back of a cop car because you play a black guy so where else would you fucking be?
And you just sit there and listen to this old Frank West jawed cocksucker praddle on about shit from the comics but I never read the comics so I don't give a flying fuck. Then he gets on a big high horse about how I killed my wife and her congressman lover or whatever the fuck that nothing subplot was about.
You get three options of reply. I don't remember what they said BECAUSE CLICKING THEM DOES FUCKING NOTHING!!!!
Click option one which I guess said Fuck you Old man, All you get in god damn return is Lee gasping like someone called him a subhuman coon to his fucking face and he can't process the advanced level of racism being sprayed into his face and then he just growls.
Click option 2 which was probably a more eloquent retort and guess what the fucking get if you click that? The exact same Gasp and motherfucking growl.
The third option was just "......" When I first played it, I had recently watched Two Best Friends play Persona 4 and there was a lot of that going on in the video so I clicked that and I was greeted by A GASP AND A FUCKING GROWL. Ellipses usually means silence and not a fucking audible gasp and growl.
But What happens if you are too slow to pick an option in 10 seconds and the clock runs out? GASP!! GRRRR!!!

Then we go through the first bit of the game and meet Clem who is the only good thing about the entire game but they manage to fuck her up later on too.
We meet her and we get another "Choice" Do we wait to leave at night, which is a fucking shockingly stupid idea in a zombie outbreak or try and leave right that very second while we still have light. Obviously I picked day the first time but I then I went in again and picked night and the only difference is if you pick night, a worthless, nameless character that doesn't show up again in the entire game or even makes an appearance in the show or comics, even in a background role dies. Oh BoofuckingHoo. How am I gonna continue with such a meaningless fucking loss.


We get to Robot Farm and here comes the big choice. Do I save able bodied Sean from zombies or Legally Retarded Duck? First time I played I saved the boy and Sean was ripped to fucking pieces by zombies and Herschel got butthurt I let his son die and kicked us out.
I played again and said Fuck Duck and tried to save Sean and almost instantly Kenny comes in and saves his son Duck and Sean gets fucking ripped to pieces by zombies and Herschel is like "Lee. You tried your best and you're mah nigga but Telltale couldn't be bothered to record more audio in this text to speech voice so GET THE FUCK OFF MY FARM"

We get to the only part of the 5 part game that I actually like cause the store bit is pretty fun. But after the first part of the store we gotta go save Glenn's bony Korean ass at a cheap Motel Six because he heard some hooker yelling in a room and wanted to get his dick sucked so he's deadset on helping her. Shes fucking bit and compares zombies to fucking satanic Rosicrucians and wants to blow her brains out with Carley's generic as fuck Glock. Fuck Glocks, Fuck Desert Eagles, fuck the Spas and fuck the AK-47. We don't need to see the same 4 fucking guns in every single video game, movie, TV show, comic strip, manga, music video or Anime till the end of fucking time. The earth has more, better looking guns.

If you give her the gun she will shoot herself in the fucking face in front of you. Or you can tell her to go fuck herself and keep the gun where she then Goldberg Tackles you and ends up destroying an entire balcony with her fucking Brock Lesnar strength and kills herself anyway. The only different outcome in this is rather or not the motel you hang out at has a balcony nobody ever uses or if its smashed to fucking pieces and theres a bit of rubble there. Riveting.


We get back to the store and we get the only choice in the entire game that actually has a teensy tiny bit of weight to it. But it's the same weight as a flaccid Asian Cock so it's still fucking nothing. And in some ways it's worse than the nonchoices we usually get because one is outright pointless and directly hinders you slightly.
We are attacked by zombies and we can either save Big fat piece of shit Doug who can't be fucked to run a treadmill or eat a god damn salad to lose some weight to look like a normal goddamn human fucking being. Or save Carley, the affirmative action hire at a news station who knows our secret.
If you save Carley she basically does nothing for the next 2 episodes before shes killed off with nothing you can do to save her regardless of the "choices" you can do before hand. But the benefit to picking her up is she lets you break the news that you are a fucking murderer to the group so they don't get fucking butthurt about it later.
Or you can save Doughy Doug who does absolutely nothing and is killed off in the exact same manner Carley is and nothing can be done to save him.
The thing with him is you can't tell anyone you murdered a dude so Kenny just shits on you for not telling him.
From episode 1-4 everyone on forums and 4chan went on and on about the only reason people picked Carley is because shes got tits and everyone should pick Doug because they think he's cool. HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY HAVING KENNY YELL AT YOU FUCKING MONGRELS.

At the end of the episodes they show you a Scenes from the next episode type deal like The show does and that one Alone in the Dark Game and Alan Wake did. But whats fucking hilarious about this one is not a god damn thing from the trailer happens in the next episode.

The most notable one is a 3 second bit where Kenny's fat 45 year old wife Katja closes a barn door and basically says "You saved my boy, now I'm gonna suck that Big Black Cock, I don't give a fuck that my husband has fought tooth and nail to keep us alive and get his through all this horseshit. I'm gonna be a typical woman and cuckold him"
And when I saw that I thought to myself "Ehhh, Shes ugly as fuck, but ruining Kenny's life is hilarious so okay"

Start of episode 2 we see two 6'4'' Cannibal hillbillies walking down the road and we can either confront them or stay hidden. But as with everything in this Nihilism Simulator. You are forced to talk to them regardless because choices are hard and programming in more shit is just going too far. We need to get as much money as we can with the absolute minimum level of fucking effort possible. And if we're lucky, even fucking below minimum.
The rednecks talk about needing gas because they got a giant fucking farm up in the hills and they got a generator and a big electric fence to keep the biters out.
We can either accept the trade of gas for going to their farm for food or say Nah, fuck that shit. But if you say no, everyone tells you to suck their dicks and force you to go.
Not a goddamn thing happens between then and the end so We expose them as cannibals and we get trapped in a giant freeze or something. Larry has a heart attack and we can either help his daughter give him CPR to help him or give into Kenny's paranoia and hold his daughter back and make her watch Kenny chuck a goddamn cinder block into his face to crush his skull.
Kenny fucking smashes his head into mush regardless of what happens and regardless of what you do here, Larry's daughter will always kill Carley/Fat piece of shit and run off in the next episode.
Only thing of note in this episode after this part is you can hear one of the cannibals fuck a horse in the barn, And when I say horse, I don't mean Mila Jovavitch.

I've already mentioned the first bits of episode 3 with Larry's daughter and the Carley thing so I am gonna skip to the end where Duck gets bit and you get tell Duck Quack Quack MotherFucker and shoot him in the face while Kenny watches. In the span of 1 minute his wife and kid get shot in the fucking face.
Then we meet two intensely unlikeable characters in Christa who's in WHOA I'M A SASSY BLACK BITCH, I'M GONNA CRITICIZE YOUR PARENTING LEE. AS YOU CAN TELL WITH THE OBVIOUS FUCKING MANNERISMS ME AND MY PUSSY BOYFRIEND OMID, I AM FUCKING PREGNANT AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO ME.
I read up on it and at least Omid dies in season 2 of the game but Christa stays alive cause God ForfuckingBid we kill the black woman. Then Tumblr will get fucking angry and call us oppressive, sexist pigs who should all die, cause you know. Threatening us over a game and doxxing us totally isn't harassment but calling some 600 pound bulldyke a cunt to her mustached potato face is.



At the end of the episode you are on top of a bridge and theres a train coming. It's been of 10 minutes of Christa and Omid being really annoying and constantly going "OoooooOOOOoooOOOooooOOOOO, Christa is pregnant! Did you know that? shes pregnant, she's totally pregnant, look! look! shes talking to Clem and is looking at her with such excitement cause shes pregnant and is gonna have a kid herself, shes pregnant, really fucking pregnant" Omid sits on the rail of the bridge and we are running out of train. You get the option of talking him into jumping down onto the train calmly and peacefully or pushing him off.
There is absolutely nothing likable about him or his cunt wife so I push his fucking off, shouting PRRREEEEEEGNNAANTTTT as he pingpongs his ass off the train and hits the ground, fucking his leg to hell.
I don't remember what the fuck goes on with Christa but I guess she got on the train really rough or something and I look over and I see Omid running alongside the train with his hand extended and I can pick him up and pull him into the train but I fucking don't cause Omid is a fucking cocksucker. Naturally, Omid gets onto the train by his fucking self and nothing comes of it because they act friendly towards me in the next episode despite this.
Since I don't remember Christa's deal, Omid has a hissy fit and yells DON"T YOU KNOW SHES P----  before something cuts him off.
Don't know what? that shes fucking pregnant? Oh jeeze, I would never have fucking guessed that with the goddamn masterclass writing in this hookworm infested puddle of bloody shit this retard excuse of a game.

In this next episode I reach my breaking point. There is just so much wrong in it.
In one playthrough all I did from episode 1 to this point was just viciously suck Kenny's dick, agreed with his every word, helped his family, fed him and his mongrel son and fat ugly wife, helped him brutalize larry, Killed Duck for him, gave him whiskey. I gobbled his dick right up and while we are on a search for a boat I say something to him and he just shits on me and basically calls me a spearchucking piece of shit. the exact same thing he does in a playthrough where all I did was shit on him. 10/10 best game, best game.
We meet some annoying Blonde cunt that's the only character that we can't skip her dialogue. Telltale wanted us to sit through her fucking hour long backstory like I give a fuck. Yes Telltale, I'm so impressed you got a wild hare up your ass and decided to make a strong, empowered woman with all this fucking "depth" and "Character arc" Ooohhh tumblr is gonna be so fucking impressed with how fucking progressive and brave you are and how "socially aware" you are. Please please give me more pointless backstory about how she has to literally suck dick for her sister's meds in this survivor camp and please please please give me more impossible fight scenes where you have almost no choice at all but to lose to her in a fight But God forbid you let his wondrous, interesting character die or ever show a single minute shred of weakness or ever let us shut her shit down and argue with her. No no no, shes far too badass.
Just thinking about this fucking shitty character is making me angry.
there comes a point where we are backed into a school in the overrun survivor camp and that little blonde cunt is getting attacked by zombies and I can shoot em off her, Before I even got to this point I paused the game and outright looked up if I can kill this cunt and the closest I can get is if I leave Clem at the house and Clem won't save her. So I do so and I have a gun in my hands and shes getting attacked. I shoot her but, You know. Shooting someone standing still 10 feet away from me is fucking impossible so I somehow manage to "Miss" despite aiming directly at her and she runs off.

I don't remember what happens in the rest of the episode except the ending.
In episode 2 you come upon a station wagon in the middle of the woods with the keys in and the lights are on and all the doors are open and its packed to the gills with supplies and shit. You are forced to take them regardless of choice but not taking them is retarded, Fuck what Clem says. They may have belonged to someone else but if they wanted em they should have learned how to close a fucking door. or turn the god damn headlights off.
It also had some walkie talkies and Clem likes to play with them.
For the entire game Clem is portrayed as an incredibly smart, clever little 8 year old girl who's awesome. And they do a good job of conveying that right up until this point in the game where they ruin it.
The main antagonist is the owner of the station wagon we steal and he somehow found a walkie talkie of his own, somehow found the channel Clem was on and started talking to her. In Episode 4 Wagon Man is voiced by the same guy who voiced the Ghostfaced Killer in Scream. he has one of the most intimidating voices ever. Despite being portrayed as being this smart, tough, clever girl she gleefully tells Wagon man every single tiny detail about our actions in the game and everything and he learns that we "robbed" the wagon and he uses this info to criticize our actions like he was there.
This game is set in like 2007 and somehow Clem was never taught stranger danger and never to talk to strangers especially strangers who sound like psychopathic killers and just takes his word for it that he has her parents with zero proof and convinces her to abandon Lee and everyone in her group without telling a single fucking person anything and runs off with him in the hopes of finding her parents.
When you confront him in episode 5 hes goes on some asinine story about taking his family hunting and they got attacked by zombies and he came back to the wagon and it was raided. Hey honey, the zombies are eating everyone, lets go out into the fucking woods and have a picnic and hunt some deer and fish. Nah let's leave all 4 doors wide open and leave the headlights on and the keys in so it makes that fucking DING......DING.....DING......DING sound so the battery dies. Nothing bad'll happen. and if it does, it's not our fault at all because Telltale are great writers. So great that they recast my role with a shitty actor that gives a worse performance than Tommy Wisaeu from The Room.
Oh and did I mention this entire monologue is unskippible? yep, you just gotta sit there and listen to me shit talk your actions on things I have no conceivable way of knowing.

Game of the year? SUCK MY FUCKING DICK!!