Club Strider

[scene starts with Vriska humming]
Vriska: There's my hat... and there's that, and here we go. [starts riding her bicycle to work and passes a tall tree with a treehouse on top of it with Dave and John in it]
Dave and John: [giggling]
Dave: Wey, wook. It's Wiska! [Hey, look. It's Vriska!]
Vriska: What?
Dave and John: [laughter]
Dave: Wiska's woing to work. [Vriska's going to work]
Dave and John: [laughter]
Vriska: [growls]
John: Where does she work? Wat the Wusty Wab? [At the Krusty Krab?]
Dave and John: [laughter]
Vriska: What's that supposed to 8e-- some kind of stupid secret code?
Dave: We can't tell you 'cause you're not a member of the club.
Vriska: Oh, yeah? What does it take to 8e a mem8er, 8esides 8eing a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]
Dave: Sorry, Vriska, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!
Vriska: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a mem8er of over twenty different exclusive clu8s all across the Incipisphere!
John: What did she say?
Dave: I don't know. Something about her horns?
John: Vriska, you and your horns will definitely not fit in!
Vriska: Oh, what do you two zeros know a8out fitting in? [takes off her hat and starts to climb the tree] Why, you should 8e 8egging me to join!
Dave and John: Vriska! Vriska, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Vriska! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!
[Vriska gets stuck inside the treehouse]
Vriska: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!
John: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
Dave: We've been stuck up here for three days.
John: We told you you wouldn't fit in.
Vriska: [sneers]
Dave: Well, since you're here, Vriska, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, John?
John: Ready!
[Dave and John start singing]
Welcome to our club
Welcome to our club
Welcome Vriska
Welcome Vriska
Welcome Vriska
Welcome Vriska
Welcome Vriska...
Vriska: Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a tree beside the tree holding up the treehouse and pulls it while the other tree is going down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to 8e a mem8er of your stupid clu8! [gets to the floor but the tree snaps and the tree holding up the treehouse flings back very fast and the treehouse flies off it. She starts screaming]
Equius: D --> Whoa
Nepeta:  :33 < make a wish, honey.
[Vriska continues screaming. The treehouse falls into the Kelp Forest]
Dave and John: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [they do the victory screech from "The Algae's Always Greener"
Vriska:  Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!
John: What happened?
[Dave shrugs. Vriska runs around the treehouse]
Vriska: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with Dave and John!
[Dave and John wave at Vriska who starts crying]
Vriska: Oh, why must every eleven minutes of my life 8e filled with misery? Why-y-y-y?!
Dave: Oh, cheer up, Vris. It could be worse.
John: Yeah. You could have horns and vision eightfold.
[camera zooms in on Vriska's head which deflates]
Vriska: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]
Dave: No, it's not, Vriska.
John: [building coffins] It's not?
Dave: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Vriska's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!
Dave and John: [they do the victory screech again]
Dave: And besides, we have this! [pulls out a conch shell]
Vriska: What's that?
John: Ohhh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
Dave: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]
Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
Dave and John: [giggling] Oooohhhh!
Vriska: You've got to 8e kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possi8ly help us?
Dave: [gasps] Vriska, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes its advice before we do anything.
John: The shell knows all!
Dave: Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
John: The shell has spoken!!
Vriska: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!
[Dave and John are sitting down doing nothing]
Vriska: [growls] I can't 8elieve you two are gonna take advice from a toy!
[Dave and John still do nothing]
Vriska: [growls again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way 8ack to sanity! [starts walking away in the Kelp Forest] 8ut don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down! Sad clowns... [laughs] sad... [laughs again] clowns. [laughs again. She begins to run fast and scared while panting] What was that? I was already here! Which way do I go? Oh, I'm lost! [trips and falls] Ohh... I'm hopelessly lost! I'll never get out of here! [sees light] Huh? [laughing. She goes toward the light] I'm free!! Take that, Dave and John! [pumps fists in the air and starts laughing triumphantly but sees Dave and John] Huh? Ohhh... [falls on the ground] there's no way out of here.  [scene cuts to Dave and John still doing nothing. A stick is thrown at John's head. Vriska is putting a pan over a fire] How's it going over there at Clu8 Shell-for-8rains? MMMMMMMM-mmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Clu8 Vriska tonight? [steps on a bug] Ah... [puts the bug on the pan and walks over to Dave and waves the pan over his nose] Doesn't that smell good, Dave? You haven't eaten in days. [walks over to John] How a8out you, John? A 8ig 8oy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. [walks away from John] And do you know why, Dave? 8ecause your clu8 president is a shell! [shakes her butt in Dave's face] If you had listened to me you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. 8ut instead you listened to a talking clam... [moves back to Club Vriska] that tells you nothing! As if the answers to solve all your pro8lems will fall right out of the sky! [laughs] Fall right out of the sky! [camera switches to an airplane falling out of the sky]
Cronus: Dude, vwe're falling right out the sky!! VWe gotta drop the load! [presses the "Drop the Load" button. The airplane drops picnic supplies [food, blanket, table, plates, etc.] to where Dave and John are]
Dave and John: Praise the Magic Conch! [victory screech. Vriska stares shockingly and the bug gets up and hits her with the stick. Dave and John eat. Dave eats two hamburgers and drinks a can of soda, John eats a turkey in one bite and drinks ketchup. They laugh]
Vriska: Uh, hey, uh, Dave... that sure is a lot of food you got there.
Dave: It's a gift from the Magic Conch.
Vriska: Everything sure looks delicious. [gasps] Oh! Smoked sausages! My favorite! [smells them but John sucks them in and one of Vriska's horns too. She pulls her horn out] Uh, hey, uh, [laughs] Dave, I... you know I was just kidding around earlier and-and-and I-I-I mean I'm... I'm still part of the clu8, right? And... and-and-and-and-and after all, the-the clu8's gotta stick together, and I-I mean... you know, I-I, um... [stammers]
Dave: Vriska?
Vriska: Yeah?
Dave: Once a member, always a member!
Dave and John: [clink glasses] To the club! [victory screech]
Vriska: Yeah. [mimics the victory screech] Now, uh, if you'll excuse me... [runs to the table with all the food] All right... What shall I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
Dave: Why don't you ask... the Magic Conch, Vriska?
Vriska: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
[Dave and John pull the table away and block it]
Dave: [gasps] Vriska, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet. This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization.
John: [whispering] Maybe she's not a brother.
[Dave looks at Vriska wide-eyed]
Vriska: [chuckles] Hey, y-you guys have it all wrong. I-I love this, uh, piece of plastic. [takes the Magic Conch from Dave] Uh, hello there. Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Vriska: Oh. Then how a8out the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Vriska: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Vriska: No?! What do you mean "no"? I'm starving here!
John: [takes Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Vriska have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
John: Hmm... Could I have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
John: All right! [vacuums in the sandwich and burps] Sorry, Vriska.
Vriska: Give me that! [takes Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Vriska: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Vriska: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Vriska: Can't you say anything else but no?
Magic Conch: Try asking again.
Vriska: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic-like tone] No.
[Vriska starts getting enraged]
Dave: Vriska, are you all right?
[Vriska shakes her head uncontrollably]
John: Maybe we should ask the shell if she's okay.
Kanaya: Hello Anyone There Hello Hello [cuts through the kelp. She gasps and sees Dave, John, and Vriska dirty] Do You Folks Need Some Help
Vriska: [gasps] I'm saved! [runs over to Kanaya] You don't know how happy I am to see you. I have 8een stranded out here for weeks with-with-with these two 8arnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
Kanaya: Magic Conch Shell [pulls out a Magic Conch Shell] You Mean Like This [says this with two big teeth]
Dave and John: The Magic Conch! A club member!
Kanaya: [victory screech]
Dave and John: [victory screech]
Vriska: [dumbstruck] A brother?
Rescuer: My Conch Told Me To Come Save You Guys
Dave, John and Rescuer: Hooray for the magic conches!
Rescuer: All right, Magic Conch... what do we do now?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Dave, John, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch! [they sit down doing nothing. Vriska, still dumbstruck, moves in between them]
Vriska: All hail the Magic Conch!!!!!!!! [sits down with Dave, John, and Kanaya]