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(Young, female voice) "911, what's your emergency?"

(Hoarse, young male voice, wavering) -"I- . . . I- . . . My name is . . . (sobbing) . . . "

"Hello?"

-"My name is Er- . . . Eripmav . . . (untingellible)"

"Sir, calm down, you're breaking up. Could you repeat that?"

-"Eripmav Gnihgual. M-my life is . . . forfeit. I- . . . I- . ..."

"Sir, state your emergency."

-"My life is forfeit, I r-request an audience with the Laughing Vampire . . . ."

"Please hold."

-(sobbing)

"Ok, do you have a paper and a pen nearby?"

-"No."

"Perfect. Find you a beloved housecat, the cat cannot be black in color . . . kill it, make sure to keep the body as intact with as little blood lost as possible."

-"O-ok . . . ."

"Submerge the cat's carcass in molten plastic. It doesn't matter what plastic is used, except that the resulting mass must be consistently grey in color. Your chances are better the less foreign objects such as paper labels end up in the mix."

-"Uh-huh."

"The cat has to be entombed in the resulting hunk of plastic. Take it out and place it in a container large enough to submerge yourself with water and as much ice cubes as you can afford. The more, the better."

-"Okay . . . "

"Get naked, get in the water container. It is imperative that you do not leave it no matter what happens, for your own safety. Spill as little water as possible. "

- (sobbing)

". . . Oh hold on, let's see here. Ah. Get two wineglasses, one for yourself and one for the Vampire and a bottle of red wine with the label removed completely. Pour wine into both and place the other glass on the hunk of plastic in a way that leaves it standing without additional support. Do not ever let wine spill into the water, got it?"

-"I- . . . uh . . . yes."

"Then, issue a cordial invitation for the vampire. If everything has gone right so far, the plastic hunk will start emitting smoke. After a while, the Vampire's glass will appear to be lifted by an invisible force and tipped, causing the wine inside the glass to steadily disappear. To successfully complete the summon, you must drink your wine at the same time as the other one drains, optimally with the exact same pace. As you finish, spend two minor charges."

- "T-thank you."

"Very good sir, you will be fined for the call at a later date. Please remain alone upon collection, preferably with eyes closed."

- (sobbing)

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