A Madman's Ravings: The Black Prophet

These are transcripts of conversations I've had in which I, as an employee at a hole-in-the-wall one-room (not my) family-owned musical instrument/accessory shop, typed and recited the words, verbatim, of this one man who would come into the store fairly regularly and spend anywhere from seconds to hours at a time. There isn't much to see in a store which has the total floor space probably smaller than your bedroom, I'm sure you can imagine, but he'd find a way to keep occupied and talk throughout the experience.

He was a tallish black dude with a constant, unending shake across his whole body, to the point where he sometimes had to stop and cringe like he just remembered asking out his highschool sweetheart for the first time. His lower lip was inflated like a balloon, he drooled when he leaned over, and every day he came in he was carrying stacks and stacks of magazines, papers, notebooks and books in a different shopping bag or backpack. He had a tendency to draw in his notebooks, and he often spoke of the end of days in a dark and foreboding manner, hence I dubbed him "The Black Prophet."

2:33 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I was finally able to see my friends Donatello and Raphel  from teenage mutant ninja turtles this week"
2:33 PM - Smas: ...
2:34 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I wanted to give them a present because their friend just graduated from kickboxing"
2:34 PM - Smas: you can't be serious :u
2:34 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I wonder have any of my woodland friends been bothering anyone anybody here lately"
2:35 PM - Smas: :u
2:35 PM - Smas: this man sounds like a legend
2:35 PM - Smas: and speaking of legends, my grandpa finally got around to sending me a postcard :v
2:35 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: now he's explaining how a dragon from LotR skipped its teenage years because of WWI
2:36 PM - Smas: :u
2:36 PM - Smas: dem Kraut time machines, no doubt
2:37 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "It's wonder woman's birthday this week" "oh how old is she?" "12"
2:37 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: well developed for a 12 year old
2:37 PM - Smas: mhmm
2:37 PM - Smas: musta stole some lessons from Cele
2:37 PM - Smas: or Sato
2:38 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: you know those postcards that have those painfully generic smiling children on them advertising some shit or another?
2:38 PM - Smas: ye
2:39 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he pulls one out and it's got a black girl with a pen-drawn eyepatch and pirate hat on and he's like "oh this is my daughter and she has one of those terrorist things on her eye so we got her an eye patch and now she's always going 'arrgh'"
2:39 PM - Smas: omfg
2:40 PM - Smas: I am keeping myself from laughing over here
2:40 PM - Smas: it's failing
2:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "have you ever played the lord of the rings ea sports video game"
2:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: what the fuck is this man smoking
2:40 PM - Smas: let me guess, Gandalf never lets people pass
2:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: pfffft
2:40 PM - Smas: I try~
2:41 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: so does this man, it seems
2:41 PM - Smas: he's gotta be doing this on purpose :v
2:41 PM - Smas: there's no way
2:41 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I'm currently trying to study under the Nihilderan brothers"
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "brings you back to a better time when people would just chop off your head and go 'hey, how's it hanging'"
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: and no, there is absolutely no way he does this on purpose
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: you'd need to see him yourself to understand
2:42 PM - Smas: :v
2:42 PM - Smas: you should make him an NPC
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: christ
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: I can't possibly mimic his lectures
2:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: his fucking sermons
2:43 PM - Smas: I think it'd be funny if everyone thought that he was being ridiculous, but like, a few things he says make the group take him seriously :v
2:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "try playing 800 songs in a night and still having smiles on
2:45 PM - Smas: also, how do you play 800 songs in a night
2:45 PM - Smas: that makes no sense
2:45 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "my kids were hounding me to play spiderman 2 and all these other different movies and I'm like 'good lord'"
2:45 PM - Smas: shh, he's becoming self aware
2:47 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "you know if you go to this little store on 14th street they have all these things called halloween adventures where you can just be yourself" "oh have you been there before?" "I had to, people were drivin me crazy! they're like 'oh are you a wise wizard' and I'm like, 'that's how I got my ass kicked!'"
2:47 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: I seriously fucking wish I could make this shit up
2:47 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "you ever think about writing your own movie?"
2:48 PM - Smas: say yes
2:48 PM - Smas: say yes
2:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "can you put this on hold for me?" he hands me a mother fucking charlie brown christmas song book
2:49 PM - Smas: that's incredible
2:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "if you ever get the chance, go on youtube and look up computer programming. it's not easy, especially when that code looks like alphabet soup"
2:52 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I've been trying to get this girl who kept hounding me a boardgame she wanted, and when I finally got her a prototype of it she smashes it over my head! and I'm like, dude, dude. I'd really rather be surfing in california for all I care but I just don't want you to get hurt"
2:52 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "one thing about lord of the rings is that if you turn it around it really says 'god love me'"
2:52 PM - Smas: wat
2:53 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: you pasting my transcriptions to data?
2:53 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: prophet's listing zelda games
2:53 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "okarana time"
2:54 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: according to him an mmorpg zelda game is coming out
2:55 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "someone wanted me to give them a tutorial on how to beat ganondorf and I'm like, 'sidestep, bow to your opponent, 1400 attack points 1500 defense points"
one more noteworthy thing said by the man was, directly after that, "and you know when you get the master sword it's like," at this point he holds his hand over his head, "doo doo doo doooo!"





Thursday, May 22, 2014
3:19 PM - Smas is currently offline, they will receive your message the next time they log in.
3:19 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: guess who just showed uuuuuup
3:19 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: the black prophet returns
3:22 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "i was finally able to play those 500 songs, but i broke 3 of my fingers, so i had to pop em back like 'crrrrack'"
3:22 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "what would you recommend for someone looking to play something like a warcry?"
3:22 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "or a lullabye?"
3:24 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "did you see the new xmen movie?" "no, i didn't. is it any good?" "oh yeah its alright but you know back in the day they used to be called a manorah, like the jewish culture. that wasnt good, but they managed to rise above the tyrrany"
3:25 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he pulls out a magazine with a tank model from warhammer on it and asks me, "what kind ot battletank from starcraft do you think this is?"
3:25 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "you know if youre looking for something good, play warhammer. but you know, i remember when it used to be called peace hammer"
3:27 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "what would you recommend for a girl who's just coming to and thinks she has a problem?"
3:28 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: well he left, that was a short lived visit





4:33 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: this is just what i fucking need
4:33 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: god damn prophet
4:34 PM - Sarah Salem is now Online.
4:34 PM - Sarah Salem: :v
4:34 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: apparently the triforce is an insigna on the dollar bill
4:35 PM - Sarah Salem: You didn't know?
4:35 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "i was finally able to name the 5 characters from the legend of zelda"
4:36 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "thats link, zelda, lets see, also zora, and also the final boss character that must not be named unless you get the wind song from death mountain"
4:36 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "you gonna play that new legend of zelda game?" "which, hyrule warriors?" "yeah, how many rupees they asking for that anyway?"
4:37 PM - Sarah Salem: He's not entirely wrong
4:37 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "was finally able to get somebody to be a mysterious donor"
4:37 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "was there anybody by the name of jim carrol who came by here this season"
4:38 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: wtf he pulls out a plastic bag stuffed with wads of dollar bills
4:38 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: where does he get peppermints in the summer
4:39 PM - Sarah Salem: I like peppermints
4:39 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: yeah they're great
4:39 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he always calls e3 "e4"
4:39 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "my friends were at e4 but they finally got a lifetime achievemenet award"
4:40 PM - Sarah Salem: Hehe
4:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: hes talking about ww1 now
4:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "we all have our own battles now but its what you do with it that counts, some friends asked me to help and i was like 'ill see what i can do'"
4:41 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he now has pulled out 3d6 and a d6
4:42 PM - Sarah Salem: He's rolling SAN damage maybe
4:42 PM - Sarah Salem: That was kinda mean
4:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "i was finally able to get in to help people to stop the great peril thats coming ahead"
4:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "we were finally able to get a specific board  that shows us all these space anomolies"
4:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he pulls out a god damn puzzle
4:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: says "ages 3 and up"
4:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: its got these cartoon kids in space
4:44 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "trying to open up an animation station to hopefully stop these kids from getting in trouble with their families when they open their own company"
4:44 PM - Sarah Salem: Wut
4:45 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "someone asked me to show them the broken arm technique"
4:45 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "its a technique made of copper and steel in order for them to hold you know what in a different time, and it was not an easy journey"
4:45 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and they said it could be used as an emergency sequence to detect seismic activity"
4:46 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "fortunately the weather guys presumed them worthy of special items"
4:46 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "im looking for a particular item that can stop a particular key chord from being played"
4:47 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he's singing "go to sleep little baby" now
4:47 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "have you learned anything from 3dsmax? e. a. sports. its in the game."
4:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "we were finally able to find one of my best friends who was laying out in the gutter, if shes still available, shes kind of shy"
4:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "if you ever get the chance you might want to check out steet fighter 2"
4:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: HE PULLS OUT A GOD DAMN VHS TAPE
4:49 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "any songs you recommend for a calm before the storm?"
4:49 PM - Sarah Salem: Is it the SD movie? ?
4:49 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: didn't have a label on it
4:49 PM - Sarah Salem: SF
4:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: but he phrased the SF thing like "it has 12 fighters from 12 places across the world"
4:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: and there he goes, drawing animes in his notebook again
4:50 PM - Sarah Salem: It does
4:51 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "if youre ever looking to learn how to play a game, ask me, im currently working on a game called pathfinder, where you have different party members and see different people"
4:51 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: aaaand he left





Monday, January 12, 2015
2:38 PM - New Year, Old Contract: ARGH YOU STUPID CUNTFUCK SHITWHORE ASSFAGGOT THE PROPHET IS HERE
2:38 PM - Smas: ahahahahahahahahhahahaha
2:39 PM - Smas: good luck c:
2:40 PM - New Year, Old Contract: GO DIE IN A FIRE
2:39 PM - Smas: C:
2:40 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I was trying to make some more appropriate ones for the people in Azarioph, because not everyone is like that growing up"
2:40 PM - Smas: Oh my.
2:40 PM - Smas: What does that even mean
2:40 PM - Smas: I'm looking up that place
2:42 PM - Smas: Oh my.
2:42 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "And did you see that thing last night on net?" "No, I didn't." "Yeah, they used to be a peaceful race of beings but then, you know how it is."
2:42 PM - Smas: Azarioph isn't a thing from the looks of it :v
2:42 PM - Smas: But there is a prophet by the name of Azariah in the hebrew bible.
2:43 PM - Smas: though maybe you just spelled it wrong
2:44 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I was gonna do a remake of Jaws. Something more appropriate for the kids. Like Lego." Then he starts playing on a harmonica. "Yeah when the kids heard that they started dancing."
2:44 PM - New Year, Old Contract: probably did but that's how he pronounced it
2:44 PM - Smas: There is beauty in those words.
2:45 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I was able to get my papers exhibited at the E3 to show people that they're not alone, it was accepted by the IGDA Independent Gamers."
2:45 PM - Smas: That is pure lunacy.
2:46 PM - New Year, Old Contract: that is the prophet
2:46 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I wanted to get this on tape, it's a song that goes 'I will fight for your survival for me' it was a battle between Batman and the Green Hornet."
2:47 PM - Smas: oh my.
2:47 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "And this is just between me and you, but SIn City 3 mind be coming out next month."
2:47 PM - New Year, Old Contract: Sin*
2:48 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I was gonna make a movie about the bible, and I did, and it was about what would happen if Batman found Christ, and I mean before BillGates gets to him of course."
2:48 PM - Smas: Wat
2:49 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "Same thing with Spider Jeresulem TransMetropolitin."
2:49 PM - Smas: Ok, those are being added to the media log.
2:51 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "So have you played Hyrule Warriors?" "No, but I'd like to." "Yeah, it's pretty good." "I'd need to get a WiiU first." "Or education."
2:51 PM - New Year, Old Contract: ok mr prophet
2:51 PM - New Year, Old Contract: whatever you say
2:52 PM - New Year, Old Contract: he has now commandeered 10 business cards and is doodling on the backs of them
2:53 PM - Smas: wow
2:53 PM - Smas: he #rekt you :v
2:53 PM - New Year, Old Contract: "I was trying to give this to some kids growing up so they know they won't be in danger as they grow up and keep on believing. It's like one of those ancient mystic stones that come from up above in order to let you know that all things from Christ are possible even if you didn't believe because it means that nobody has to worry."
2:54 PM - New Year, Old Contract: aaand he's gone, thank christ




2:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: guess who just walked into the fuckin store
2:48 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "Do you have any songbooks from the ten commandments? Like, theme songs?"
2:49 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: I wasn't aware the ten commandments had a theme song
2:50 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: Our hero
2:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: now he's explaining to me about the ark of the covanent and how it had to do with ancient egypt and rome
2:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: using a lego figure as demonstattio
2:50 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: n
2:52 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I gotta wrap up moses and arron and take them to a better place than this. Let my people goooo~. You know it's not funny cuz really what they went through was drama"
2:52 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: I love him
2:52 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: I amazed my teacher with 360 video
2:54 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I'm looking for some new material for this holiday season. I was thinking captain america. Someone wanted me to play the original one where the captain america get taken over by the red skull"
2:54 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "then they wanted me to do some horror movies. You know the greatest horror movies are the ones where you survive"
2:55 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I was finally able to get that program to work" "what program?" "the C++ 3dsmax flash plus buster program. But I don't know if I'd be able to do it again"
2:57 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: What even
2:58 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "I wanted to make a radio show before I got too old to remember what a radio show was. before nightmare on elm street comes back on. 'welcome everyone this is freddy kruger on freddy kruger's fm night show. it's fun for the whole family' "
2:59 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: He's a kind of secret wizard
3:00 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "don't give up on your dreams daniel, they'll come true" "Heh, I sure hope so" "I know so"
3:01 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: and he takes business cards every time he comes here. I swear with all the crazies we get in the store he must hand them out at his interdimensional meetups or something
3:03 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: He's your chief advertiser
3:05 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he's a strange man indeed
3:05 PM - Crazy Data is Unbreakable: The reason you are in business






3:33 PM - ???: hows your work?
3:34 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: fucking nutso the black prophet just showed up
3:35 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he just asked if we have any 3 inch floppy disks
3:35 PM - ???: ahahahaah
3:35 PM - ???: share the wisdom
3:35 PM - ???: was that it
3:36 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: so far, yeah
3:36 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he's still here
3:36 PM - ???: oh
3:36 PM - ???: ohhhhhhhhhh
3:37 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he's just huffing and panting and looking through a pile of random books we don't even have for sale off to the side
3:38 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: asked about the price of a "carrying case" while looking at the violins and then for the price of a harmonica, but that's it so far
3:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and do you have anything by the peanuts? anything for the new one, or the old one?"
3:40 PM - ???: whuh
3:40 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "do you have the soundtrack to the tv show Gotham? it's a pretty good show, I like it"
3:42 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "it's for this little girl who kept bugging me for the longest time. because people kept on picking on her. because you know, trying to be nice about it, you know. I got her somtething for the holiday season"
3:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: he pulls out a little baby 8 key keyboard with winnie the pooh characters on it and starts mashing teh keys
3:43 PM - ???: what the shit
3:43 PM - ???: what
3:43 PM - ???: please record this sometime
3:43 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and then she was like, that's not how it goes, and I was like, is this how it goes?" and he starts pushing a single key 8 times, "and she's like, yeah, that's it!"
3:43 PM - ???: i tuned in just at the right fucking time
3:44 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and did they close the, you know?" he starts doing karate poses and making sound effects
3:44 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "can i take a card? she kept on bugging me for the longest time. and i was like, brrbrrbrobbrrbrr"
3:44 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and she wanted to see the latest movies"
3:45 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and she wanted to see a coin trick, so I was like" he puts a stack of coins on his elbow, flips his arm, catches the stack, "and luckily enough, it revealed her fortune"
3:46 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "and like your fortune, you're a good man daniel, and hourly rates for lessons are 10 dollars an hour?" so I tell him no, they're 25 for a half hour, and he nods and walks out after thanking me
3:47 PM - ???: did that just transcend right now
3:49 PM - ???: well
3:49 PM - ???: turn that frown upside down
3:49 PM - ???: apparently your fortune looks pretty damn good
3:49 PM - sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: if the Prophet says so, so it is





sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: i dont
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: wha
A-NAME-IS-A-NAME is now Online.
A-NAME-IS-A-NAME: ?
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: mr prophet just dropped by for a 30 second visit, right?
A-NAME-IS-A-NAME: yeah?
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: starts saying something like "just wanted to give you something in case that particular passage i took was ever needed again" so he pulls a sheet of paper out of his jacket and starts writing on it as he keeps talking
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: the "passage" he's referring to being a movie-theme trumpet solos book he bought yesterday
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: "some people think chivalry is dead but im starting my own company. so if you ever need anything just call me and i can return the passage if you need it, otherwise just put this under that particular passage so we can have peace and prosperity for 2000 years"
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: then he left, leaving me with this paper that has a few boxes and a poorly written phone number on it
sUiCiDaL Scribe Senpai McBighuge: I will never understand that man.