Miranda Sings Live... Your Welcome (2019)

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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Miranda!

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<i>Please welcome to the stage</i>

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<i>Miranda Sings!</i>

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Miranda, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be on stage!

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I can't go on stage right now. I'm busy!

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Busy doing what?

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Hello. I'm waiting for this scab to form
so I can pick it.

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<i>Uh, change of plans.</i>

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<i>Please welcome to the stage</i>
<i>Colleen Ballinger!</i>

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Oh, my God!

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Hello, everybody!

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This is crazy!

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We're doing a Netflix special
at the Kennedy Center. What?

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This is nuts!

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Oh, my gosh.

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And you guys are never gonna
believe me when I tell you this, but...

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I'm pregnant.

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There's a tiny little penis in there.

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Is that weird? Are there kids here?

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You know, pregnancy is the most beautiful,

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magical, wonderful thing
in the whole world...

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for everyone who isn't pregnant.

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I am so miserable.

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This is awful.

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No one tells you
how much this is gonna suck.

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I am so grumpy.

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I am in so much pain.

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I am constipated.

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And I've been to the doctor,
I've seen the baby.

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He's down here.

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So then, what's all this?

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People come up to me
and they want to rub my tummy,

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and they're like, "Oh, how sweet. A baby,"

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and I'm like, "That's not a baby.
I haven't pooped in two weeks."

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"But keep rubbing. Maybe it will help."

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I'm very excited to have this little guy.
I can't wait to be a mom.

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But I'm gonna admit something
to you guys tonight.

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I am so nervous.

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I'm so nervous to have him.

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But I'm not nervous
for the reasons you might think.

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I'm not nervous 'cause I have to push
a baby out of my parts

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and they're all going to rip into pieces.

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I'm not nervous because I'm going to be
responsible for another human being.

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I'm nervous because this kid
is going to have my genes,

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and I looked like this when I was a baby!

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That's not photoshopped.
That's my actual face.

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And I know what you're thinking.

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You're thinking, "Oh, that was probably
just an awkward phase.

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You know, all babies look weird
in pictures sometimes."

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Oh, no. I was a very ugly baby,
and I have proof.

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This is also me as a baby.

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And this is me as a baby.

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And my personal favorite...
This is me as a baby.

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And to any of you out there who think,
"Oh, you know what? It'll get better.

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You know, you'll grow out of that,"

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you must be forgetting
that this is what I do for a living.

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So no, it doesn't get better.

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And if this kid looks anything like me
when he comes out,

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I'm gonna be like, "Put him back!"

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Just kidding.
I'll love him no matter how ugly he is.

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I'll just love him less.

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Oh, how am I going to explain that
to my child?

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He's gonna be so confused.

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He's gonna think he lives in a house
with a mommy and a daddy,

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and sometimes mommy disappears

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and a crazy girl with lipstick
and a camel toe

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chases him around the house with a camera.

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Like, what's he gonna tell his friends
that his mom does for a living?

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What's he gonna do?
Show them this picture?

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His friends are gonna be like,
"My mom's a doctor."

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"Well, my mom's a teacher."

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And he's gonna be like,
"My mom does this."

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Oh, God. Why did I give him that voice?

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Just assuming he's doomed.

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Oh, God. We can get rid of that.

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You know, uh, I've been doing that
for ten years now.

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I've been doing Miranda.

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Whoo!

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So long of doing a character
that everybody hates.

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Everyone hates me. It's true.

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I have made a career
off of people hating my character.

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Are there any parents
in the audience tonight?

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Hey! Thanks for coming.

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You guys hate me the most.

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No, don't worry, though.

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If you're a parent
and you feel like you were just dragged

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to some dumb YouTuber's show tonight,

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you were. Gotcha.

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But also, I try really hard
to make my show enjoyable for everybody.

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So yes, there are some jokes
for the kids tonight.

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But there's also a lot of mature,
inappropriate jokes

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that will go over the kids' heads.

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No offense to you kids,
but you guys are... dumb,

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so they'll go over your heads...

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...and then the parents will have
something to laugh at, don't worry.

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Uh, but it is true.
I get a lot of hate from the mothers.

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Hi. Uh...

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You all say the same thing to me
when you meet me, too, the moms.

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And I think
you think this is a compliment,

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but you always say...

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"I don't know why
my kid likes you."

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Fighting back tears.

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I remember this one time I met a girl
at a mall, and she was so sweet.

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I was so excited to meet her.

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She watched my videos. She was a big fan.

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But her mom was standing, like,
two feet from us and she looked pissed.

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So I went up to her to introduce myself,

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and she goes, "Oh, I know who you are."

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"If I have to hear your voice in my house
one more time, I swear to God..."

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And I was like...

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"Thank you."

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I did an interview with this guy once,

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and he was so rude.

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He did not want
to be talking to me at all.

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And at the end of the interview, he goes,
"All right. I have one final question.

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I interview a lot of comedians.

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Is there a reason why they're funny
and you're not?"

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True story. He said that.

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And in my head, I was like, "Well,
is there a reason why you're a dick?"

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But I didn't say that

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because there are kids here.

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I said something better.

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He said, "Is there a reason why comedians
are funny and you're not?"

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And I said...

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"Thank you."

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So I'm very uncomfortable
when it comes to confrontation and hate,

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but I'm a little bit better at it
when I can hide behind my camera

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like a coward.

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So I write songs about the hate
that I get,

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and I would love to sing one
for you guys tonight if that's cool?

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Yes! Awesome.

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I've got my ukulele.

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So...

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I have to warn you,

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all of the lyrics to this song
are hate comments that I have received.

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So there's a lot of bad words,

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and there is some crude language
in this song.

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So to all of the mothers
that I'm about to offend, um...

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...thank you.

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"Why are you a YouTuber? I'm not a hater.
I just hate your vids. And your voice."

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"You look uglier than my ass. No ofoinse."

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"Does she have cancer? Because I don't
want to make fun of her if she does.

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She's so effing annoying."

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"Your cloths are so ugly.
Maybe you need to go into a model class.

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Your cloths look like pajamas.

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You don't know what you're wearing.
You look good to you. You look bad to me."

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<i>♪ "Roses are red, violets are blue ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Pornhub is down</i>
<i>Colleen Ballinger will do" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Her face is a rip-off, so sad" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Nice fonking forehead" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Butt ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Head" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Toltoly stupid" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "I hatte you with a passion"</i>
<i>Thumbs up ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Her face scarets me</i>
<i>She neds more makeup" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "She has a uniboob" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "I'm pretty sure her vagina</i>
<i>Smells like cat food" ♪</i>

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That one's accurate.

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<i>♪ You might think that I'm hurt</i>
<i>Or I'm feeling abused ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid</i>
<i>From your comments and views ♪</i>

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<i>♪ So keep the comments coming ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But here's some help ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Before you go insulting people</i>
<i>Maybe learn how to spell ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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<i>♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb</i> ♪

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<i>♪ You sound so dumb ♪</i>

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"What the duck is wrong with her face?

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Duck, duck, duck!"

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"There are eight-year-olds watching this."

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"She looks fat but still pretty."

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<i>♪ "I think she might be a dude" ♪</i>

179
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,965
<i>♪ "You remind me of a raisin</i>
<i>'Cause you have wrinkles ♪</i>

180
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,508
<i>♪ And everyone hates you" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "You look like Maranda"</i>
<i>"You look like Mirada" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Are you Mirinda?"</i>
<i>"Are you Amanda?" ♪</i>

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<i>♪ "Are you Mirrranda?"</i>
<i>"Are you a Marinade Sings? No ofens ♪</i>

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You know, I'm not a marinade,
so, none taken.

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<i>♪ You might think that I'm hurt</i>
<i>Or I'm feeling abused</i> ♪

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<i>♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid</i>
<i>From your comments and views ♪</i>

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00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:31,070
<i>♪ So keep the comments coming ♪</i>

188
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:32,655
<i>♪ But here's some help ♪</i>

189
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,659
<i>♪ Before you go insulting people</i>
<i>Maybe learn how to spell ♪</i>

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00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,244
<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

191
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:39,912
<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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<i>♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb</i>
<i>You sound so dumb ♪</i>

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Everybody! <i>♪ Dum-da-dum</i> ♪

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There you go. <i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,297
<i>♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb</i> ♪

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♪ <i>You sound so dumb ♪</i>

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One more time! <i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

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<i>♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪</i>

200
00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:00,433
<i>♪ You sound so dumb ♪</i>

201
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There you go!

202
00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:09,692
There you go.

203
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,069
You know,

204
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I get a lot of hate, as you can see.

205
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,366
Uh, but you know what? The hate
doesn't really bother me that much.

206
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,578
I'm usually able to let the hate
just roll off my shoulders.

207
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:24,248
But every once in a while,
there's just one comment that gets to me.

208
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This has happened
more frequently recently

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because I'm pregnant
and I'm very emotional.

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I cry at everything now.

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Um, so recently, I was upset about
some of the hate comments I was getting,

212
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and I needed to do something
to make myself feel better.

213
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,555
So I did something
that I know you all have done,

214
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,183
so you cannot shame me
when I tell you what I did.

215
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,851
But I Googled myself.

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See, I thought if I Googled myself,
I would feel better,

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00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:48,981
but that's not what happened.

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What happened was
I noticed these words in bold.

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These are the most frequently searched
things on Google.

220
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,823
So I thought I would play with this

221
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,992
and see what you guys
were searching about me,

222
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:03,162
and I typed in, "Is Colleen Ballinger..."

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00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:07,124
And the most frequently searched thing
on Google when you type in,

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"Is Colleen Ballinger..." is...

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00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,003
"dead."

226
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So that did not make me feel better.

227
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So I tried something else.

228
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I typed in...

229
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,305
"Did Colleen Ballinger..."

230
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,808
And the most frequently searched thing
on Google

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when you type in,
"Did Colleen Ballinger..." is...

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"die."

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So...

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I tried something
a little bit more obscure,

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00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:38,406
and I typed in,
"Where was Colleen Ballinger..."

236
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,574
thinking there is no way

237
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,744
that this could be about me dying.

238
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,788
Well, I was wrong because it was...

239
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:46,789
"buried."

240
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,002
So thank you. I love my fans.

241
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:57,049
So when Googling myself
did not make me feel any better,

242
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,261
I did something that I've been doing
since I was a little girl

243
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:01,971
every time I feel low.

244
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,432
I wrote in my diary about my feelings.

245
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,892
Now, this is actually
what inspired my most recent book,

246
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,061
called <i>My Diarrhe</i> by Miranda Sings.

247
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,063
Some of you brought it. Thank you.

248
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,565
You guys are the best!

249
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,609
So, yes, I recently came out with a book,

250
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:19,405
and it's all of Miranda's diaries
duct-taped together.

251
00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:23,868
Now, the entire inspiration for this book
was my actual diaries as a child

252
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,203
because they are
horrendously embarrassing.

253
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,539
So I thought,
to celebrate such a special night,

254
00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:31,917
we're doing a Netflix special,
we're at the Kennedy Center, this is epic.

255
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,544
I should read to you

256
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:38,424
some of my most embarrassing pages
from my diaries as a child.

257
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,341
What do you think?

258
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,052
Yes!

259
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,097
I was gonna do it
even if you didn't scream,

260
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,307
so thank you.

261
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,686
So this is one of my diaries
from when I was a child.

262
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,481
And I found some, uh,

263
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:56,275
just very embarrassing pages
to read to you guys from.

264
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,277
This is from when
I was about 12 years old,

265
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,029
um, this picture
that I'm about to show you.

266
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:01,071
Let's take a look.

267
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:02,531
Yep, there it is.

268
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:04,533
Oh, God.

269
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,620
So it says...

270
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:10,748
- It says, "What's wrong with me?"
- Nothing!

271
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,918
And I'm on the "road to nowhere."

272
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,215
I want you guys
to get an idea in your mind

273
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,467
of what I looked like
during this time of my life,

274
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:24,386
this emo, depressed little girl.

275
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,431
So I brought a picture of myself
for you guys to see...

276
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,850
...what I looked like then.

277
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,394
Let's continue.

278
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:33,896
Here we go.

279
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,981
"Dear Marsha..."

280
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,068
Oh, by the way, I never called my diary
"diary" for some reason.

281
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,653
I always gave it a name.

282
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,989
I think I thought it would make me feel
like I had friends.

283
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,407
So here we go.

284
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,993
"Dear Marsha.

285
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:51,747
Sorry I haven't written in a while,
but I have been very busy.

286
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,749
Here are all the things I have been doing.

287
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:55,918
One, went to church.

288
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,128
Two, started sixth grade.

289
00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,840
Three, got lots of new Beanie Babies.

290
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:03,759
Four, lost my Tamagotchi."

291
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,804
"Five, practiced miming."

292
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:13,143
Now, this sounds like a joke,
but I legit took mime classes as a kid.

293
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,311
Uh, I have proof.

294
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,021
This is me...

295
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,982
...as a child mime.

296
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:19,608
Um, I was homeschooled.

297
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,110
Okay, moving on.

298
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,903
So five was "practiced miming."

299
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,823
- And then, "Six, my cat ran away."
- Aww.

300
00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:27,658
"Seven, found my cat.

301
00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:28,909
It's dead."

302
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:30,202
Aww.

303
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:37,710
"I have been doing a lot more stuff, too,
but I'm tired and can't write anymore.

304
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:41,505
I most likely will only write
when I'm having problems, or puberty,

305
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,175
or I'm just bored from now on,
so don't expect many letters.

306
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,052
Good night. Love, Colleen."

307
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:49,763
Well...

308
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:55,436
You guys are cheering
'cause you think it's over.

309
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,646
I'm sorry, it's not. There's more.

310
00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,941
So, uh, I did write
when I went through puberty.

311
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,194
So I want to show you
one of my favorite pages from that time.

312
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,783
"Personal note. My boobs are popping out
and they are killing me."

313
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:14,371
And I drew a picture in case anyone wants
to know what that looks like.

314
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:16,999
It hurts.

315
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,337
So puberty did not do me well.

316
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,423
I had a really hard time during puberty,
as most kids do.

317
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,009
And you will see that reflected
on this next page.

318
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,391
"Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate times a million.

319
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,727
This is my feelings towards life.

320
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,813
Lava lamps are really cool...
Colleen Ballinger."

321
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,232
So...

322
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:47,738
Now, when I was looking for pages
to read to you guys tonight,

323
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:52,576
um, I found this one page in my diary
that is so embarrassing,

324
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,620
so mortifying,

325
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:57,206
that I could not possibly read it myself.

326
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,457
That's how bad it is.

327
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,961
So I'm going to have the help
of my best friend, Kory DeSoto...

328
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,254
...to come read this to you.

329
00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:06,966
This is Kory.

330
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:13,722
Kory.

331
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,602
They love Kory!

332
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:19,895
I do, too.

333
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,981
He's the best.

334
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:24,525
So Kory...

335
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:28,362
is my best friend,
and he has been for many, many years.

336
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:30,614
Now, Kory and I met doing theater,

337
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:35,953
and we have a strange obsession
with bad theater and bad acting.

338
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:40,249
So I have requested that he read
the worst page of my diary

339
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:44,211
as a bad-acted monologue
for you guys tonight, so...

340
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,714
Oh, by the way, before he gets started,

341
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:49,383
I just want to let you know
that this is no ordinary journal.

342
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,635
This is my prayer journal.

343
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,888
So these are my thoughts to God.

344
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:55,973
Keep that in mind.

345
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,477
Scene.

346
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,899
"Precious Daddy..."

347
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:10,487
"I need <i>you</i> to provide <i>me</i>

348
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,240
with a lot of patience right now

349
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:18,370
because I keep on getting
these dirty looks from this girl...

350
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,247
Taryn."

351
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:25,836
"At the last prayer circle,
she asked for us to pray for her grandma.

352
00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:30,174
But if she keeps on giving me
these dirty looks,

353
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:33,761
I am not gonna pray for her."

354
00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:45,230
"Sorry. Satan got a hold of me there..."

355
00:17:58,577 --> 00:17:59,620
Oh...

356
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,790
"Anyways...

357
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:06,543
in other news, let's talk about boys...

358
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,712
or lack thereof.

359
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:11,590
Am I a mutant or something?

360
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,301
<i>Why</i> can't I get a boyfriend?

361
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,471
Good times..."

362
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,557
"Not really."

363
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:22,810
"Amen."

364
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,817
Give it up for Kory DeSoto, everybody!

365
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:32,694
Okay.

366
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:37,491
Now, I could keep reading to you

367
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,410
from my emo high school
and junior high diaries,

368
00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:44,289
or I could read to you
from my favorite childhood diary,

369
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,667
which is the poop diary.

370
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:51,255
Unfortunately,
this is exactly what it sounds like.

371
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,507
My mother, she has four kids,

372
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:58,011
and she was trying to figure out a way
to get closer to us, to bond with us.

373
00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:01,014
Um, she wanted us to open up to her more
about our feelings.

374
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,267
So she came up with this brilliant idea.

375
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,562
"I know. I'll put a diary
next to the toilet,

376
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,022
and that way, whenever they're doing that,

377
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,316
they can write to me
about their feelings."

378
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,652
She thought this would help us to bond.

379
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,071
Now, obviously,
this wasn't the greatest idea,

380
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,448
and I have proof,
because I'm going to read you some pages

381
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,033
from the poop diary.

382
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,912
So these are conversations
between me and my mother, okay?

383
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,748
So the first page here,
it starts with my mother.

384
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:27,875
She asks me...

385
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,543
"How is choir going?"

386
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,336
And I said...

387
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,715
"Fine. I have diariah again!"

388
00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:38,051
"Every time I eat cheese, I have..."

389
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,387
Arrow to "diariah."

390
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,515
So...

391
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,230
My mom's great idea wasn't really working.

392
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,024
Um, but she didn't give up, my mother.

393
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,318
She knew this poop diary would work,

394
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,569
so she tried again.

395
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,198
And I'm gonna read to you another page.
This one actually starts with me.

396
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:00,115
I said...

397
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,076
"That turkey stuff you made
for your diet dinner

398
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,287
smelled better than it taste."

399
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:06,997
And then she said,

400
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,874
"Yes, it did."

401
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:11,585
And I said,

402
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,463
"I have diariah!"

403
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:17,799
So...

404
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,970
it was a good attempt from my mother,
but obviously, the poop diary backfired.

405
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,473
But you know what? Actually,
my mom and I are really close now,

406
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:27,643
so maybe it worked.
Moms, try out poop diaries with your kids.

407
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,562
By the way,
I thought this was a normal thing

408
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,439
that everyone had in their homes

409
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:35,067
until I was about 16 years old.

410
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:39,112
So that was an embarrassing conversation
to have with my friends in high school

411
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,406
and be like,
"Uh, where's your poop diary?"

412
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:44,743
Ah.

413
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:46,495
Anyway, let me get rid of this.

414
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,412
So...

415
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:48,664
listen up.

416
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:51,083
I know why you guys are here, all right?

417
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:54,044
So who's excited to see Miranda Sings?

418
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:02,219
All righty.

419
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,180
Let's see if she's ready.

420
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,266
She's not,
so I'm gonna do another song.

421
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:12,145
But maybe if I sing this,
Miranda will come out to play.

422
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,940
Now, I am a musical theater dork.

423
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:18,235
My background is in theater.
I love theater.

424
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:21,029
And so when I first started doing Miranda
ten years ago,

425
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,573
my entire show was just Broadway songs.

426
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:27,369
So I would like to pay my respects
to the beginning of Miranda Sings

427
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,622
and sing a theater song for you guys
right now, if that's cool.

428
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:38,630
Perhaps if I sing this,
Miranda will come out to play.

429
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,966
This is "Defying Gravity."

430
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:53,687
<i>♪ Something has changed within me ♪</i>

431
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:57,316
<i>♪ Something is not the same ♪</i>

432
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:02,112
<i>♪ I'm through with playing by the rules ♪</i>

433
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:06,033
<i>♪ Of someone else's game ♪</i>

434
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:09,619
<i>♪ Too late for second guessing ♪</i>

435
00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:14,791
<i>♪ Too late to go back to sleep ♪</i>

436
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,919
<i>♪ It's time to trust my instincts ♪</i>

437
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:24,134
<i>♪ Close my eyes and leap ♪</i>

438
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:30,057
<i>♪ It's time to try defying gravity ♪</i>

439
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:35,604
<i>♪ I think I'll try defying gravity ♪</i>

440
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:38,273
<i>♪ And you can't pull me down... ♪</i>

441
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:02,672
<i>♪ So if you care to find me ♪</i>

442
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:05,842
<i>♪ Look to the western sky ♪</i>

443
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,428
<i>♪ For those who told me lately ♪</i>

444
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:13,600
<i>♪ Everyone deserves a chance to fly ♪</i>

445
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,977
<i>♪ And if I'm flying solo ♪</i>

446
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,939
<i>♪ At least I'm flying free ♪</i>

447
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:20,941
<i>♪ To those who'd ground me ♪</i>

448
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:24,903
<i>♪ Take a message back from me ♪</i>

449
00:23:24,986 --> 00:23:30,534
<i>♪ Tell them how I am defying gravity ♪</i>

450
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:33,078
<i>♪ I'm flying high ♪</i>

451
00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:36,039
<i>♪ I'm defying gravity ♪</i>

452
00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:40,502
<i>♪ And soon I'll match them in renown ♪</i>

453
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:45,257
<i>♪ And nobody in all of Oz ♪</i>

454
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,802
<i>♪ No wizard that there is or was ♪</i>

455
00:23:48,885 --> 00:23:54,141
<i>♪ Is ever going to bring me ♪</i>

456
00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:57,853
<i>♪ Down ♪</i>

457
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:05,485
<i>♪ Bring me down ♪</i>

458
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:16,955
<i>♪ Oh, whoa! ♪</i>

459
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,600
Hey, guys. It's me, Miranda.

460
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:44,232
I'm so excited to be here
at the Kennedy Center tonight.

461
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:45,734
Are you guys excited?

462
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:48,528
You'd better be excited

463
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:51,072
'cause you're here to see
the most miraculous,

464
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:53,575
amazing person in the entire world,

465
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:55,035
Miranda Sings!

466
00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:00,207
It's true.

467
00:25:00,290 --> 00:25:02,792
I'm the most incredible person ever.

468
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:07,047
I'm a famous singer, dancer, actor,
model, magician,

469
00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:08,757
other things...

470
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,969
But you guys are in for a treat tonight

471
00:25:13,053 --> 00:25:16,264
'cause not only
do I do all of those amazing things...

472
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,684
Oh, no. That stuff
doesn't even matter anymore.

473
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:22,687
You guys are in the presence of greatness

474
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:26,358
because tonight, standing before you

475
00:25:26,441 --> 00:25:28,193
is the very next

476
00:25:28,276 --> 00:25:30,320
Virgin Mary!

477
00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:40,664
It's true. I am with child.

478
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:44,417
I am expecting a little brat pretty soon.

479
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:47,671
Now, obviously,
I would never do the nasty,

480
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:50,090
which means I am the next Virgin Mary.

481
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:52,217
But I have some skeptics out there.

482
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:55,762
Some people don't think
I'm actually the next Virgin Mary.

483
00:25:55,845 --> 00:25:57,347
Well, I'm about to prove it to you.

484
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,808
You are in the presence
of freaking greatness.

485
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,476
Watch this.

486
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,519
Hit it!

487
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,293
<i>♪ Halle-- ♪</i> Oh, shoot.

488
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:27,794
♪ <i>Hallelujah ♪</i>

489
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:30,005
<i>♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪</i>

490
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,132
<i>♪ Hallelujah ♪</i>

491
00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:42,726
<i>♪ Look at me, I'm a pregnant queen ♪</i>

492
00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:44,436
<i>♪ Baby's coming soon, my poor tookie ♪</i>

493
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:46,479
<i>♪ But it probably won't hurt</i>
<i>because God chose me ♪</i>

494
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,773
<i>♪ To be the next Holy Virgin Mary ♪</i>

495
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:51,276
<i>♪ Well, you don't think</i>
<i>I'm the next Virgin Mary? ♪</i>

496
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,195
<i>♪ A lot of magical things</i>
<i>Have been happening to me lately ♪</i>

497
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:55,947
<i>♪ To prove I'm the chosen one ♪</i>

498
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:58,408
<i>♪ Currently have two brains in me ♪</i>

499
00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:00,285
<i>♪ So I'm double smarter than everybody ♪</i>

500
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,245
<i>♪ When I sneeze, I pee simultaneously ♪</i>

501
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:03,997
<i>♪ I don't need a table</i>
<i>I just use my belly ♪</i>

502
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,041
<i>♪ Haven't pooped in weeks</i>
<i>And I'm still alive ♪</i>

503
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:07,876
<i>♪ Got a tiny little penis in me</i>
<i>At all times ♪</i>

504
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,919
<i>♪ I see everything, I've got four eyes ♪</i>

505
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:12,505
<i>♪ And my booty's looking thick</i>
<i>'Cause I've got four thighs ♪</i>

506
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,844
<i>♪ Do the waddle, do the waddle ♪</i>

507
00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:19,471
<i>♪ Do the waddle, do the waddle ♪</i>

508
00:27:19,679 --> 00:27:21,264
<i>♪ Before he comes out</i>
<i>He needs to repent ♪</i>

509
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,308
<i>♪ He's kicking and grabbing me</i>
<i>Without my consent ♪</i>

510
00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:25,393
<i>♪ Stop grabbing my tookie</i>
<i>Or I'll make you pay rent ♪</i>

511
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,063
<i>♪ If he keeps it up</i>
<i>He could become the next president ♪</i>

512
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:38,323
<i>♪ Virgin Miranda ♪</i>

513
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:44,162
<i>♪ The holiest of all ♪</i>

514
00:27:53,254 --> 00:27:55,715
See, just proved it.

515
00:27:56,549 --> 00:28:00,637
I am the next Virgin Holy Miranda,
all right?

516
00:28:00,970 --> 00:28:03,431
Now, when I announced this
on the internet,

517
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:08,937
I had a lot of people being very offended
that I said I was the next Virgin Mary.

518
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:10,230
Which is ridiculous!

519
00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:11,439
Look at these comments.

520
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,067
People are saying things like,
"I'm affended."

521
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,778
"This video offiended me."

522
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:19,406
"Ew, ur preginanit."

523
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:21,866
But you know what?

524
00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:25,453
I realized people are gonna be offended

525
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:28,039
whether I'm preginanit or not.

526
00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:32,544
Because everybody is offended
by everything these days.

527
00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:34,087
It's ridiculous!

528
00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:38,800
You can't do anything
without offending someone.

529
00:28:38,883 --> 00:28:40,260
It's so annoying.

530
00:28:40,343 --> 00:28:44,097
Like, I can't even post an Instagram
picture without ticking someone off.

531
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:45,098
Look at these, okay.

532
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:47,851
This picture offended the vegans.

533
00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:50,353
This picture offended the mothers.

534
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:53,523
This picture offended... everyone.

535
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:56,568
So friggin' annoying.

536
00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,530
But then I realized something.
I was doing it all wrong.

537
00:29:00,613 --> 00:29:04,868
Because you can actually say whatever
you want and do whatever you want

538
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,536
and not get in trouble for it,

539
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:09,038
as long as you say two little words.

540
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:10,498
No offense!

541
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,584
That's right. "No offense."

542
00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:14,544
Hit it!

543
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:18,006
Listen up, leotards.
I'm about to teach you two magic words

544
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:20,925
that make it so you can say
whatever you want, whenever you want,

545
00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:22,761
and not suffer consequences.

546
00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,431
<i>♪ Feel like you're offending everyone</i>
<i>These days? ♪</i>

547
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:30,643
<i>♪ Feel like you're losing friends</i>
<i>No matter what you say? ♪</i>

548
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:35,023
<i>♪ There's a way to say offensive things</i>
<i>And not look bad ♪</i>

549
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:39,319
<i>♪ Just say these two little words</i>
<i>And no one's allowed to be mad ♪</i>

550
00:29:39,652 --> 00:29:42,197
<i>♪ I hope you get a paper cut ♪</i>

551
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:44,157
<i>♪ No offense ♪</i>

552
00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:46,451
<i>♪ Even your grandma thinks you suck ♪</i>

553
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:48,328
<i>♪ No offense ♪</i>

554
00:29:48,411 --> 00:29:50,914
<i>♪ Your face looks exactly like your butt ♪</i>

555
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:52,582
<i>♪ No offense ♪</i>

556
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:55,168
<i>♪ I bet Comic Sans is your favorite font ♪</i>

557
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:57,003
<i>♪ No offense ♪</i>

558
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,969
See, that's all you gotta say.

559
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:07,847
In a normal situation, you go up
to someone and say, "You're ugly."

560
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:08,973
That's really rude.

561
00:30:09,057 --> 00:30:12,352
But if you just finish it off
with, "You're ugly. No offense,"

562
00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:13,645
they can't get mad.

563
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:18,900
See? Now, some of my haters
have yet to learn this lesson.

564
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:22,695
They're saying very rude, offensive things
to me and not saying, "No offense,"

565
00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:24,364
which is really titting me off,

566
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,033
and I'm gonna show you right now
what I'm talking about.

567
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,494
People are telling me that I did porn

568
00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:31,538
in order to get pregnant.

569
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:33,081
Which is not true.

570
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:35,375
I would never participate in the nasty.

571
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:36,626
Now, I need to prove it to you

572
00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:40,171
so I can prove
that I'm actually the next Virgin Mary.

573
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,549
So I'm gonna prove
I would never participate in a porn.

574
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:47,345
Now, what you might not know
is that porn is happening all around you.

575
00:30:47,428 --> 00:30:51,266
Even right now, there are people
being porn in this very room,

576
00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:52,767
and I cannot have that.

577
00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:56,020
So I'm going to need two volunteers
right now.

578
00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:58,481
Hmm.

579
00:30:59,357 --> 00:31:00,316
Let's see here.

580
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,360
Um, how about you right here
in the red pants?

581
00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:03,403
I need one more.

582
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:06,114
There's a lot of you.

583
00:31:06,197 --> 00:31:09,033
Um, how about in the skirt, right here?
Yeah, in the skirt.

584
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:09,951
Come on up.

585
00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:12,120
Hello.

586
00:31:12,579 --> 00:31:14,163
- What's your name?
- Calita.

587
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:15,790
Calita!

588
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:20,336
Wow, do you have a dragon?
Is that you, the Mother of the Dragons?

589
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,921
No.

590
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,091
I got you confused with someone else.

591
00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:26,134
So anyways...

592
00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:27,051
Hi. Okay.

593
00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:28,469
So...

594
00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:32,265
Listen, in order to talk about
this first type of porn,

595
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:33,892
I'm gonna need my pointer.

596
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:36,519
I really want to make sure
you guys are paying attention, okay?

597
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,354
So just give me a second.

598
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:40,481
Okay.

599
00:31:42,525 --> 00:31:43,443
Listen up.

600
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,737
Calita over here

601
00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:49,657
is wearing a nice button-up shirt
all the way to the tippity top,

602
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,534
nice long sleeves,

603
00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:54,287
pants that go all the way down
to the floor.

604
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:57,999
This is very nice. Very conservative.

605
00:31:58,082 --> 00:32:01,836
This is a perfect example of not porn.

606
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:03,713
This...

607
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,383
...is porn, okay?

608
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:10,053
Her skirt is so short,

609
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,847
all it will take
is one really big gust of wind

610
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,558
and we'll see
all the creases and crevices.

611
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,729
And the top goes so low
we can the entire chesticle crack.

612
00:32:19,979 --> 00:32:22,607
This is a perfect example of porn.

613
00:32:22,690 --> 00:32:24,233
- So what's your name?
- Sarah.

614
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,693
Exactly.

615
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:28,780
No offense.

616
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:33,743
So here we have porn, not porn.

617
00:32:33,826 --> 00:32:35,453
Porn, not porn.

618
00:32:35,536 --> 00:32:37,664
Do not fret, Sarah. I'mma help you out.

619
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:39,082
I know you're a Mirfanda.

620
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:43,169
However, give Calita a round of applause.

621
00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:45,588
Thank you.

622
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:46,547
Go away.

623
00:32:47,006 --> 00:32:48,216
Get off. Okay.

624
00:32:49,092 --> 00:32:50,259
Come here, Sarah.

625
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:52,220
Oh, this is bad news.

626
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:57,642
Listen, you are in the presence
of a biblical holy figure, okay?

627
00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,937
I cannot have my Mirfandas
walking around dressed porn-y,

628
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:02,313
so I gotta fix this.

629
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,399
Lucky for you,
I brought something with me tonight

630
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,484
in case there was a Sarah here.

631
00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,988
I use this whenever I see someone
looking porn-ish.

632
00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:10,905
Okay?

633
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:13,950
This is the stretchy solution to porn.

634
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:16,953
So what you do is,
whenever you see someone dressed porn,

635
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:18,746
you just put this on their head...

636
00:33:20,123 --> 00:33:20,957
and then you just...

637
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:24,877
Like this. See?

638
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:26,796
Very nice.

639
00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:29,257
However...

640
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:32,719
she is such a severe case of the porn.

641
00:33:32,802 --> 00:33:33,886
Turn around.

642
00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:37,348
This is so tight, we can see
the entire shape of the badonkadonk.

643
00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,308
Inappropriate!

644
00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:43,062
Which means this needs to go, all right?
This is never going to work.

645
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:48,026
There is only one thing that we can do
for someone who is this porn-y, okay?

646
00:33:48,109 --> 00:33:50,611
This I only do in severe cases,

647
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,821
so please,

648
00:33:51,904 --> 00:33:52,822
help me...

649
00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:55,324
and pray for Sarah.

650
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:56,784
Okay?

651
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:58,703
Thank you, Sarah.

652
00:33:58,786 --> 00:34:00,079
Thank you. Goodbye.

653
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:06,919
Okay. Listen, I can't have that.

654
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:09,881
I can't have my Mirfandas
dressing porn-y, okay?

655
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:11,257
You represent me now.

656
00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:14,093
So everybody, look to your left,
look to your right,

657
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:16,304
see if anybody's dressed porn-y right now.

658
00:34:16,387 --> 00:34:18,598
Put a hand on them and pray for them.

659
00:34:18,681 --> 00:34:21,768
Let's get rid of the porn together,
one prayer at a time.

660
00:34:22,935 --> 00:34:24,520
Very good, yes.

661
00:34:24,937 --> 00:34:27,899
Very nice. Oh, this girl's praying
for her mom in the front row.

662
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,651
What the heck?

663
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,446
The mom's all happy.
She's like, "I am porn."

664
00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:36,657
Okay.

665
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:41,788
Now, listen, I wish that was
the only type of porn that there is,

666
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:43,831
but there's lots of types of porn.

667
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,209
And this next type of porn
is the most common

668
00:34:46,292 --> 00:34:47,877
and the worst one of all.

669
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,921
It's porn-style dancing.

670
00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:51,589
I know you kids.

671
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:54,842
You like to go out
to da club and bust a move.

672
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,054
But I don't want to see you doing
any of these nasty booty shakes

673
00:34:58,137 --> 00:34:59,472
and booty twerks.

674
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:01,390
It's disgusting and inappropriate.

675
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:04,352
The only type of dancing
my Mirfandas should be doing

676
00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:05,895
is my type of dancing.

677
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:08,231
So if you know it,
I want to see you do it.

678
00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:09,732
This is "Do The Miranda!"

679
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,651
Hit it!

680
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:15,071
All right, Miranda Sings in the house!

681
00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:16,280
Get up out of your seats.

682
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,950
I want to see you dancing right now,
having a good time.

683
00:35:19,534 --> 00:35:20,910
All right. Here we go.

684
00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:23,454
♪ <i>Hey, you over there</i>
<i>With the porn-y hair ♪</i>

685
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,248
<i>♪ I got what you need ♪</i>

686
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:28,084
<i>♪ Hey, you there, bro</i>
<i>With the camel toe ♪</i>

687
00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,253
<i>♪ Come and just follow my lead ♪</i>

688
00:35:30,336 --> 00:35:32,630
<i>♪ A new dance is here</i>
<i>And I fear, my dear ♪</i>

689
00:35:33,005 --> 00:35:34,924
<i>♪ That you're all looking like hoes ♪</i>

690
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:37,760
<i>♪ So cover your backs</i>
<i>And your chesticle cracks ♪</i>

691
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:39,720
<i>♪ 'Cause here is how it goes ♪</i>

692
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:42,306
<i>♪ Lift your legs up high</i>
<i>Poke your neighbor in the eye ♪</i>

693
00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,725
<i>♪ Paint a rainbow in the sky</i>
<i>Wipe it till it's dry ♪</i>

694
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:47,186
<i>♪ Then twerk like me</i>
<i>But don't make it slutty ♪</i>

695
00:35:47,270 --> 00:35:49,647
<i>♪ It's as easy as can be, so follow me ♪</i>

696
00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,365
<i>♪ Let's do it again ♪</i>

697
00:35:59,782 --> 00:36:01,534
<i>♪ Do the Miranda ♪</i>

698
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,120
<i>♪ Oh, yeah ♪</i>

699
00:36:04,203 --> 00:36:06,289
<i>♪ Do the Miranda ♪</i>

700
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,209
<i>♪ Do the Miranda! ♪</i>

701
00:36:14,714 --> 00:36:16,507
Very nice.

702
00:36:17,633 --> 00:36:20,678
I see lots of you
know how to do the Miranda.

703
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:21,846
Very good.

704
00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:24,098
I saw some of you not participating.

705
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,266
Mothers.

706
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:30,062
So congratulations.
You will never get a boyfriend.

707
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,315
No offense.

708
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:34,483
Okay, listen.

709
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:39,780
We have a lot to discuss tonight.

710
00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:42,366
I can't spend this much time
on freaking porn,

711
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,994
so we got to move on
to the next thing, okay?

712
00:36:45,077 --> 00:36:48,581
Because, listen, there's one thing
that the Virgin Mary had

713
00:36:48,664 --> 00:36:49,790
that I don't have yet.

714
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,626
This is a problem, okay?

715
00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:53,294
She had a Joseph.

716
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:56,255
I don't have a Joseph yet to my Mary.

717
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,216
So I got a question for you.

718
00:36:59,091 --> 00:37:00,718
Where my baes at?

719
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:05,932
<i>♪ I'm about to break it down</i> ♪

720
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:07,808
<i>♪ Sing along if you know it ♪</i>

721
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:09,727
<i>♪ All right, here we go ♪</i>

722
00:37:09,810 --> 00:37:12,104
<i>♪ Every time I look around</i>
<i>All I ever see ♪</i>

723
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:14,440
<i>♪ Is people being jealous</i>
<i>And they wanna look like me ♪</i>

724
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:16,692
<i>♪ I've got Tyler, Ricky, Joey</i>
<i>And the Dolan twins too ♪</i>

725
00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:18,945
<i>♪ My uncle and Lohanthony</i>
<i>But I'm my favorite boo ♪</i>

726
00:37:19,028 --> 00:37:20,947
<i>♪ Got a lot more</i>
<i>But I forgot who they are ♪</i>

727
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:23,324
<i>♪ Sorry, not sorry</i>
<i>Just a superstar ♪</i>

728
00:37:23,407 --> 00:37:25,660
<i>♪ Got lots of baes</i>
<i>Are you wondering how I do? ♪</i>

729
00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:27,703
<i>♪ Take a little listen</i>
<i>I'll find a bae for you ♪</i>

730
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:30,081
<i>♪ Hey, where my baes at? ♪</i>

731
00:37:30,706 --> 00:37:32,416
<i>♪ Where my baes at? ♪</i>

732
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:34,543
<i>♪ I got so many baes, man ♪</i>

733
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:36,796
<i>♪ I'll teach you how to get one too ♪</i>

734
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:39,173
<i>♪ Where my baes at in the house? ♪</i>

735
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:44,553
Whoa, so many baes.

736
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:46,097
You know what, guys?

737
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:48,099
I'm not joking around.

738
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,393
I really need to find a bae.

739
00:37:50,476 --> 00:37:52,520
I am six months pregnant already,

740
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,648
so I need to find a daddy to this kid.

741
00:38:22,425 --> 00:38:23,509
Love you, Patrick!

742
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:24,760
Hi, Patrick.

743
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:26,971
Hey, Miranda.

744
00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:33,144
Patrick, what are you doing here?

745
00:38:33,227 --> 00:38:35,980
I haven't seen you in, like, six months.

746
00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:40,985
Uh... Well, I...

747
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:42,653
I heard the, um...

748
00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:44,822
That you, uh...

749
00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:47,033
That you're with child, and, um...

750
00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:50,953
I thought maybe
you could use some protection.

751
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,582
Patrick...

752
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:58,044
It's a little late for that.

753
00:39:00,254 --> 00:39:03,716
Besides, we can't be together.
You know this.

754
00:39:03,799 --> 00:39:06,635
Netflix owns the rights to you,
and the show got canceled.

755
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:08,846
I could get sued.

756
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:10,598
So you need to go.
I don't want to get sued.

757
00:39:10,681 --> 00:39:12,016
I don't have insurance.

758
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:13,392
Go away. Hurry.

759
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:17,146
Before anyone sees.
Yes. Please go, Patrick, please.

760
00:39:20,399 --> 00:39:23,611
Oh, don't give me that.
I didn't cancel the show!

761
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:39,752
Just kidding.
I'm grateful for the experience.

762
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:43,923
I love Netflix so much.

763
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:47,510
You know, I can't eat this.
It makes the baby kick me in my tookie,

764
00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:48,719
so does anyone want it?

765
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,808
What about in the balcony?
Do you want it up there? Get ready.

766
00:39:58,020 --> 00:39:59,522
That was for you.

767
00:40:00,481 --> 00:40:02,316
Now, listen, okay. I wasn't kidding.

768
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,111
Before I was rudely interrupted
by Patrick,

769
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:07,696
I really do have a surprise
for you guys tonight.

770
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:11,033
We all know I need to get a daddy
to this baby ASAP,

771
00:40:11,117 --> 00:40:14,120
so I called up my number-one bae

772
00:40:14,203 --> 00:40:16,789
and said I was doing
a very special show tonight

773
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,291
in Washington DC at the Kennedy Center.

774
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:22,878
This guy has millions of subscribers,

775
00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:24,672
millions of views,

776
00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:26,173
very, very famous.

777
00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:28,592
My number-one bae.
Do you know who it is?

778
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:34,890
Joey Graceffa!

779
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:39,562
But he said he couldn't come, so...

780
00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:42,606
That would have been great, though, huh,

781
00:40:42,690 --> 00:40:43,858
if he was here.

782
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:47,862
The parents are all laughing
at their kids.

783
00:40:48,487 --> 00:40:50,489
They're crying.

784
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:53,951
You know what?
He's not here, but you guys are.

785
00:40:54,034 --> 00:40:56,328
Who wants to be my bae tonight?

786
00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:01,459
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Stop. Are you kidding me?

787
00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:03,335
I see so many girls raising their hands.

788
00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:05,004
I'm not a Lebanese.

789
00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,423
Boys, please. No offense.

790
00:41:08,507 --> 00:41:09,467
Let's see here.

791
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,760
We got lots of options. Ooh.

792
00:41:11,844 --> 00:41:14,513
How about in the white sweatshirt
up there?

793
00:41:14,597 --> 00:41:15,806
I need two more.

794
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,308
Two more.

795
00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:19,435
Who do we got? Who do we got?

796
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:21,437
Okay, in the black hat.

797
00:41:21,770 --> 00:41:22,605
I need one more.

798
00:41:22,688 --> 00:41:24,857
Come on up, white sweatshirt, black hat.

799
00:41:24,940 --> 00:41:26,275
One more.

800
00:41:26,567 --> 00:41:28,152
So many good options.

801
00:41:28,777 --> 00:41:31,113
Okay, how about in the purple shirt
right here?

802
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,032
Come on up.

803
00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:36,202
Ooh, hello.

804
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:40,372
Look at this sexy bae.

805
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:42,875
What is your name?

806
00:41:42,958 --> 00:41:43,792
Nathan.

807
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:45,878
Nathan. Love that.

808
00:41:45,961 --> 00:41:47,796
I love your face hairs.

809
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,007
Where are you from?

810
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:51,425
Barrie, Ontario.

811
00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:53,469
Barrie, Ontario?

812
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,096
Oh. Sounds like an infection.

813
00:41:57,932 --> 00:41:59,975
Oh, hey, Daddy.

814
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:01,393
What's your name?

815
00:42:01,477 --> 00:42:02,561
My name is Anthony.

816
00:42:02,645 --> 00:42:04,146
- Andronen? What?
- Anthony.

817
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:05,064
Anthony!

818
00:42:05,147 --> 00:42:07,858
Okay. You did not say that the first time.
Just saying.

819
00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:09,777
Anthony, where are you from?

820
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:12,696
I'm from Bayonne, New Jersey. "Bay."

821
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,156
- Bayonne. I'm the bae.
- Ooh.

822
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:15,824
I get it.

823
00:42:15,908 --> 00:42:16,825
Whatever.

824
00:42:17,743 --> 00:42:19,370
Good talk. Okay.

825
00:42:19,453 --> 00:42:22,873
Oh, hey. You're much shorter up close.

826
00:42:23,415 --> 00:42:24,333
Um, what's your name?

827
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:25,751
Aldair.

828
00:42:28,671 --> 00:42:31,799
Are you related to Andrew over there,
All-dayer?

829
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:33,551
Yeah.

830
00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:36,303
"Sure. That works." Aldair.

831
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,264
I love it. It's like, "All-dayer!"

832
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,392
"I could do an all-dayer!"

833
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:45,980
Good. Okay.

834
00:42:47,481 --> 00:42:48,357
Cool.

835
00:42:49,441 --> 00:42:51,527
Um, where are you from, Aldair?

836
00:42:51,610 --> 00:42:53,070
My mom's belly.

837
00:43:02,830 --> 00:43:04,248
What do you do for a living?

838
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:06,584
Uh...

839
00:43:06,667 --> 00:43:08,544
watch you on YouTube.

840
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:14,049
We have a flirt in the house tonight.

841
00:43:14,842 --> 00:43:16,218
Okay, Aldair.

842
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:19,054
Love that.

843
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:22,975
Now, I have three very sexy men...

844
00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:24,935
boys on stage.

845
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:31,775
All of them are ready and excited
to be the father to this child.

846
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:40,159
Um, so you can all handle
this responsibility, you think?

847
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:44,163
Promising.

848
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,415
Okay. Now, here's the deal.

849
00:43:46,498 --> 00:43:48,751
I can't have all three of them
being the daddy,

850
00:43:48,834 --> 00:43:51,253
so I'm gonna pick one,
but how I'm gonna do that

851
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:54,423
is I'm gonna woo them
with my charms and my talents

852
00:43:54,506 --> 00:43:56,467
and my vocal abilities.

853
00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:58,636
And whoever I have the most chemistry with

854
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,513
will become the daddy to this child.

855
00:44:01,597 --> 00:44:04,600
So all you guys have to do
is stay right where you are.

856
00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:06,935
I will come to you, so just come...

857
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:08,729
Oh, yes. You can come to me.

858
00:44:10,814 --> 00:44:12,775
I will be doing all of the work.

859
00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,860
If the chemistry is there, it's there.

860
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:16,945
- All right? Are you ready for it?
- Absolutely.

861
00:44:17,029 --> 00:44:18,280
Hit it!

862
00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:20,908
<i>♪ What up, everybody? New year, new me</i> ♪

863
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:23,410
<i>♪ You can smell me coming</i>
<i>Like asparagus pee ♪</i>

864
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,829
<i>♪ I'm so sexy, I'm just like a zit ♪</i>

865
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:28,332
<i>♪ That's what everybody stares at</i>
<i>And you want to touch it ♪</i>

866
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:30,292
<i>♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪</i>

867
00:44:30,876 --> 00:44:33,170
<i>♪ You see me walking by</i>
<i>And you are shook ♪</i>

868
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:45,224
<i>♪ Summer loving, had me a blast ♪</i>

869
00:44:45,307 --> 00:44:48,936
<i>♪ Summer loving, happened so fast ♪</i>

870
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:52,815
<i>♪ Met a boy, crazy for me ♪</i>

871
00:44:53,148 --> 00:44:55,984
<i>♪ Met a boy, cute as can be ♪</i>

872
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:02,074
<i>♪ Summer dreams ♪</i>

873
00:45:02,408 --> 00:45:06,537
<i>♪ Ripped at the seams ♪</i>

874
00:45:07,037 --> 00:45:08,330
<i>♪ But ♪</i>

875
00:45:08,872 --> 00:45:11,041
<i>♪ Oh ♪</i>

876
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:17,256
<i>♪ Those summer ♪</i>

877
00:45:18,590 --> 00:45:25,556
<i>♪ Nights ♪</i>

878
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:43,532
Wow.

879
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:47,161
There is so much chemistry on stage
right now.

880
00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:52,624
Like I said, I can only pick one bae
to be the daddy to this child,

881
00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:55,669
so I'm gonna get out
something called the bae-ometer.

882
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:58,922
The bae-ometer also happens to be my hand.

883
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:01,592
So I'm just gonna take it,
put it over their head,

884
00:46:01,675 --> 00:46:04,303
and the bae you think
I had the most chemistry with,

885
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:05,554
cheer for, okay?

886
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:06,472
So here we go.

887
00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:11,602
Pretty good. Pretty good.

888
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:19,693
Oh.

889
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,705
This is so awkward. I won.

890
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:35,876
But give them a round of applause.
They did such a good job.

891
00:46:35,959 --> 00:46:37,961
Call me when you're older, Aldair.

892
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:39,880
Thank you. Go away.

893
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,216
You can leave now. Get away.

894
00:46:45,344 --> 00:46:46,762
Well, now I'm single.

895
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:48,096
So...

896
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:52,017
Don't worry, guys, okay? Don't worry.

897
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:58,106
I can handle the responsibility of being
the mother and the father to this baby.

898
00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,483
Easy-peasy.

899
00:46:59,566 --> 00:47:02,820
I have been preparing for this moment
my entire life.

900
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:04,863
I was born holy.

901
00:47:04,947 --> 00:47:07,449
Born the holiest of holes.

902
00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:08,492
And I have proof.

903
00:47:08,575 --> 00:47:14,706
I have been acting like and dressing like
biblical characters my entire life.

904
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,959
I have pictures
from when I was a wee little tot

905
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:20,462
dressing like every famous
biblical character there ever was.

906
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:21,505
Look at this.

907
00:47:21,588 --> 00:47:23,549
Here is me as an angel,

908
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:25,259
me as Moses,

909
00:47:25,342 --> 00:47:26,927
me as mother Mary,

910
00:47:27,010 --> 00:47:28,595
me, the prostitute.

911
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,264
See?

912
00:47:30,347 --> 00:47:33,767
Every single biblical character
I have played.

913
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:35,435
Not only that. Look at this picture.

914
00:47:35,519 --> 00:47:37,062
That's me with the circle around her.

915
00:47:37,145 --> 00:47:40,274
I'm putting on a play in the backyard
with some neighborhood friends.

916
00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:42,067
"What's the play?" You might ask.

917
00:47:42,150 --> 00:47:45,362
The crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

918
00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:47,614
See, there's the cross, right up there.

919
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:50,993
We're about to kill that little boy,
and I am really ticked off.

920
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:54,997
Not only did I do plays
and act like a biblical character,

921
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:58,250
but I also always was very charitable,

922
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:00,168
and I was very compassionate.

923
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:04,548
Here, you'll see me being compassionate,
not only towards people, but to animals.

924
00:48:04,631 --> 00:48:07,217
Here, I'm playing with my favorite pet
I ever had.

925
00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:09,219
Right there, Charlie the Fly.

926
00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:11,138
Next.

927
00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,974
Oh. This is me doing some charity work.

928
00:48:14,057 --> 00:48:16,935
As you can see,
the hardest charity work there is,

929
00:48:17,019 --> 00:48:19,438
hanging out with a girl
with really ugly bangs.

930
00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:21,064
So...

931
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:23,984
That was a tough day for me. Emotional.

932
00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:24,902
Next.

933
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:26,904
Oh, here's me doing more charity work.

934
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:30,449
I'm singing for complete strangers
for free.

935
00:48:30,532 --> 00:48:31,533
Look, they love it.

936
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:35,120
This guy on this end, he's like, "Yaas!"

937
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:37,748
So... Next.

938
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:41,877
Oh, this is great 'cause it shows
how everyone has always adored me,

939
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:46,506
setting me up for a life of being adored
by everyone as the Virgin Miranda.

940
00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:47,966
These boys love me.

941
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:49,009
They adore me.

942
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:50,427
They want to be with me so bad,

943
00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:52,971
they can't even keep their shirts on.

944
00:48:53,221 --> 00:48:55,140
So these are my cousins.

945
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,645
You know, growing up, for me,
was always really easy

946
00:48:59,728 --> 00:49:02,272
'cause I was always
the most popularest girl in school,

947
00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:04,191
president of the drama club,

948
00:49:04,274 --> 00:49:07,194
homecoming queen, prom king,
everything, so...

949
00:49:07,277 --> 00:49:08,779
Being homeschooled is great.

950
00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:14,076
And it really helped prepare me
to become the Virgin Miranda.

951
00:49:14,159 --> 00:49:14,993
But you know what?

952
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:18,580
I don't want to stand up here
and just brag about how amazing I am.

953
00:49:18,664 --> 00:49:21,124
I need to show you how amazing I am.

954
00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:25,337
So how would you guys like if I did
some charity work for you tonight?

955
00:49:28,674 --> 00:49:29,925
That's what I thought.

956
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:34,012
I'm gonna give you the best gift
anyone could ever receive

957
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:35,681
in the entire world.

958
00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:38,850
I'm going to make all of you
internet famous!

959
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,479
That's what I thought.

960
00:49:42,562 --> 00:49:45,899
Now, listen.
I'm gonna do a video for you guys,

961
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:48,402
so say hello to the internet!

962
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:58,954
<i>♪ Say hello to the internet ♪</i>

963
00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:04,084
Hello! We're so famous!

964
00:50:07,671 --> 00:50:09,214
There you go, guys.

965
00:50:10,841 --> 00:50:12,300
Wow!

966
00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:14,886
You guys are gonna get so famous
from that.

967
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:17,723
Millions of people will see that

968
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:19,641
if I ever choose to post it.

969
00:50:20,892 --> 00:50:21,852
It's crazy.

970
00:50:21,935 --> 00:50:24,938
Oh, shoot. I just realized something.
Oh, no!

971
00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:27,274
I just made you all internet famous,

972
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:30,444
and that means you guys
are all gonna start getting haters.

973
00:50:30,527 --> 00:50:31,403
It's true!

974
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:34,406
When you get famous on the internet,
you get tons of haters,

975
00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:38,326
so I need to teach you guys how to deal
with these freaking bullies online, okay?

976
00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:40,954
Because, listen, you could be
minding your own business

977
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:42,789
and post an innocent little video.

978
00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,833
Something like this. <i>Where My Baes At?</i>

979
00:50:44,916 --> 00:50:46,460
A classic music video,

980
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,963
and you could end up
with hate comments like this...

981
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:53,925
"If she were any more inbred,
she would be a sandwich."

982
00:50:54,968 --> 00:50:56,094
See what I'm saying?

983
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,804
It doesn't end there. Look at this one.

984
00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:00,015
"You suck, go to.

985
00:51:00,098 --> 00:51:02,642
No one likes you, okay,
so stop singing and."

986
00:51:02,726 --> 00:51:05,437
Okay, listen.
The worst part about this hate mail

987
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:09,274
is not the fact that they said a bad word,
it's not the fact they told me to go die,

988
00:51:09,357 --> 00:51:11,568
it's the fact that it was written
by a baby!

989
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:13,445
Look at that.

990
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,365
You can't trust babies these days.

991
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:19,785
Look at this one.

992
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:22,913
"Ugly piece of.
I hope you -ing die."

993
00:51:22,996 --> 00:51:26,374
Now, Joe Bob responded to his own comment
and he said,

994
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:28,251
"Subscribe to me, please."

995
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:30,587
No, thank you.

996
00:51:31,088 --> 00:51:33,799
See what I'm saying? You're gonna get
hate like this every single day,

997
00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:36,093
and it doesn't matter
what kind of videos you post online.

998
00:51:36,176 --> 00:51:37,177
They hate on all of them.

999
00:51:37,260 --> 00:51:40,180
Look at this incredible video.
The <i>Slurpee Bath</i> video.

1000
00:51:40,764 --> 00:51:42,766
This is quality content, folks.

1001
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:45,769
And I got hate on this.

1002
00:51:46,394 --> 00:51:47,687
Look at these comments.

1003
00:51:48,438 --> 00:51:52,025
"She looks like the type of girl
who would microwave her hamster."

1004
00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:55,445
That was one time!

1005
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,242
Next.

1006
00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:03,411
"What the
you trying to do to people, dread?

1007
00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:06,123
You in some kind -ing
mad people home?

1008
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:07,833
Lord, have mercy.

1009
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:09,584
Girl, hush your blasty mouth.

1010
00:52:09,668 --> 00:52:12,212
Nah. Set-ups.
Only squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk.

1011
00:52:12,295 --> 00:52:14,297
You a parrot. Hush."

1012
00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:15,966
Well...

1013
00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:18,844
MaddiNawwy is ticked off.

1014
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:20,637
Next.

1015
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,223
"You remind me of me. LOL."

1016
00:52:23,306 --> 00:52:25,183
Now, at first,
I thought this was a fan mail

1017
00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:27,936
until I realized it was from Anus!

1018
00:52:29,229 --> 00:52:31,439
I don't want to remind you of an anus.

1019
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:34,568
It's not even the best part of the butt.

1020
00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:38,572
Now, the worst hate mail
I ever even gotted

1021
00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:43,076
was on one of my most incredible
music videos of all time, <i>Shake It Off.</i>

1022
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,078
This is a classic.

1023
00:52:45,871 --> 00:52:47,372
But I did get hate on it,

1024
00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:48,707
and here it is.

1025
00:52:49,332 --> 00:52:50,417
"The entire video,

1026
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:54,671
I was wondering how she was covering
her monster size p-word."

1027
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:56,464
Are you kidding me?

1028
00:52:56,548 --> 00:52:57,841
I'm circumcised.

1029
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:01,595
Next.

1030
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:09,186
"Miranda, I'm little Russian boy
and I say you are slut and ugly."

1031
00:53:16,109 --> 00:53:17,235
How rude.

1032
00:53:17,986 --> 00:53:18,862
Now, listen.

1033
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:22,240
There is one more hate mail
I have to share with you.

1034
00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:24,910
It's the perfect example of a hater.

1035
00:53:24,993 --> 00:53:25,952
Here it is.

1036
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:31,917
"My dad came in, and I switched to porn
because it was easier to explain."

1037
00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:36,630
So frigging wrong.

1038
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:41,760
That's the type of hate I deal with
every single day,

1039
00:53:41,843 --> 00:53:44,512
and it's the type of hate all of you guys
are gonna have to deal with,

1040
00:53:44,596 --> 00:53:45,639
now that you're famous.

1041
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:47,933
But you know what?
I know how to deal with this.

1042
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:50,769
All you've got to do is say,
"Haters, back off."

1043
00:53:50,852 --> 00:53:51,895
Let me hear you say it.

1044
00:53:51,978 --> 00:53:54,397
Haters, back off!

1045
00:53:54,481 --> 00:53:58,902
Exactly! You say, "Haters, back off,"
to anyone who's bullying you,

1046
00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:00,362
anyone who's hating on you.

1047
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:04,032
Your moms, your pets, your carpets,
your uncles. I don't care who it is

1048
00:54:04,115 --> 00:54:06,701
'cause you know what?
Nobody bullies my Mirfandas,

1049
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:07,953
except for me.

1050
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:10,914
It's true.

1051
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:13,500
Now, you know what?

1052
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:17,295
I've been doing a lot of incredible things
for you guys tonight,

1053
00:54:17,379 --> 00:54:22,175
but now it's time for me to do you
the greatest honor of your lives.

1054
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:26,221
I'm going to baptize you all
in the name of myself.

1055
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:27,555
Are you ready for it?

1056
00:54:29,933 --> 00:54:32,477
This is gonna be
an incredible moment for you.

1057
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:34,521
Now, in the church of myself,

1058
00:54:34,604 --> 00:54:36,022
how you baptize someone

1059
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:38,316
is you show them all of your talents.

1060
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,027
So I'm gonna show you
that I'm not just a triple threat.

1061
00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:42,529
I am a five threat.

1062
00:54:42,612 --> 00:54:44,781
Acting, singing, dancing,
modeling, magician.

1063
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:49,202
And I'm about to do all five of my talents
on this stage to baptize you all.

1064
00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:52,747
The first of many talents
is my modeling abilities.

1065
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,875
You guys are about to see me
do the most incredible modeling,

1066
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:59,754
runway walk, fashion show
you've ever seen in your entire life,

1067
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:02,465
so get ready
to have your minds freaking blown.

1068
00:55:02,882 --> 00:55:04,259
Get ready for this.

1069
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:35,957
<i>♪ Your strip is served</i> ♪

1070
00:55:42,797 --> 00:55:46,301
<i>♪ Model, model, model, model ♪</i>

1071
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:50,096
<i>♪ Model, model, model, model ♪</i>

1072
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:01,608
That was incredible.

1073
00:56:02,442 --> 00:56:05,612
But you guys
are not baptized yet. Oh, no.

1074
00:56:05,695 --> 00:56:08,948
I know you probably are feeling
very baptized and holy,

1075
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:12,285
but you won't be baptized and holy
until I do all my talents.

1076
00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:17,082
So the next talent is my dancing ability.
Who wants to see that?

1077
00:56:21,002 --> 00:56:22,879
Good, 'cause you're about to.

1078
00:56:22,962 --> 00:56:24,214
I'm about to blow your minds.

1079
00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:29,677
I'm gonna do every trendy, iconic
dance move that has ever been created.

1080
00:56:29,761 --> 00:56:31,137
Hit it!

1081
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,515
I'm about to prove
I'm the best dancer in the world.

1082
00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:34,808
Get ready!

1083
00:56:37,685 --> 00:56:39,312
<i>♪ Dab, dab ♪</i>

1084
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,147
<i>♪ Dab, dab ♪</i>

1085
00:56:41,231 --> 00:56:45,110
<i>♪ Running man, running man</i>
<i>Run, run, running man ♪</i>

1086
00:56:45,193 --> 00:56:48,780
<i>♪ Whip and the nae nae</i>
<i>Whip and the nae nae ♪</i>

1087
00:56:48,863 --> 00:56:50,198
<i>♪ Floss, floss ♪</i>

1088
00:56:50,740 --> 00:56:52,450
<i>♪ I don't need a dentist</i>
<i>I floss ♪</i>

1089
00:56:52,534 --> 00:56:56,121
<i>♪ Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot ♪</i>

1090
00:56:57,956 --> 00:57:00,667
Stop. This isn't good enough.

1091
00:57:01,042 --> 00:57:05,255
I really need to step it up a notch here
if I'm gonna baptize you guys, okay?

1092
00:57:05,338 --> 00:57:09,050
I can't keep doing one talent at a time.
We'll be here forever.

1093
00:57:09,592 --> 00:57:14,013
So to finish everything off
and to make sure you are fully baptized,

1094
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:17,100
I'm going to do all of my talents,

1095
00:57:17,183 --> 00:57:19,436
the remaining talents I need to do,

1096
00:57:19,519 --> 00:57:20,562
at one time.

1097
00:57:20,645 --> 00:57:23,815
My acting, my singing, and my magicianry.

1098
00:57:23,898 --> 00:57:25,233
Are you ready for this?

1099
00:57:31,906 --> 00:57:33,741
Once I do this,

1100
00:57:33,825 --> 00:57:36,119
you will all officially be baptized,

1101
00:57:36,202 --> 00:57:39,456
and you will be part
of the Holy Church of the Virgin Miranda.

1102
00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:42,167
So get ready to have your minds exploded.

1103
00:57:42,250 --> 00:57:44,919
But first,
I need the help of my assistant, Patrick.

1104
00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:46,296
Welcome him to the stage.

1105
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:55,763
It's all right.

1106
00:57:56,097 --> 00:57:58,224
As far as I know,
I still don't have the rights to you,

1107
00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:01,478
so just, um, close your eyes
when you're looking at him,

1108
00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:04,689
but keep them open when you're looking
at me so that it's like he's not here.

1109
00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:05,982
So try that.

1110
00:58:06,774 --> 00:58:09,694
All right. So I'm about to do
an incredible magic trick.

1111
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:12,864
This is going to go around my neck
and lock shut.

1112
00:58:13,239 --> 00:58:15,992
Patrick is going to take
this very sharp sword.

1113
00:58:16,075 --> 00:58:19,412
He's gonna stick it
through my neck, like so,

1114
00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:21,206
whilst I am singing,

1115
00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:23,833
and it will not affect
my vocal chords at all.

1116
00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:24,834
Not only that,

1117
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:28,004
I'm gonna be doing the best acting
you've ever seen in your life

1118
00:58:28,087 --> 00:58:32,217
because the best type of music to act to
and to sing to at the same time

1119
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:33,885
is opera music.

1120
00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:39,140
So I'm gonna be singing
a famous opera song in Italian.

1121
00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:43,811
So get ready to have your minds
freaking blown.

1122
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:44,896
Hit it!

1123
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:47,732
Stick it in me whenever you want,
Patrick.

1124
00:58:50,151 --> 00:58:56,241
<i>♪ O mio babbino caro</i> ♪

1125
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:05,166
<i>♪ Mi piace è bello ♪</i>

1126
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:09,295
<i>♪ Bello  ♪</i>

1127
00:59:09,379 --> 00:59:15,134
<i>♪ A pizza with meatballs and pepperoni</i>
<i>And a sausage ♪</i>

1128
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:19,973
<i>♪ Yo quiero Taco Bell ♪</i>

1129
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:24,060
<i>♪ Mi struggo ♪</i>

1130
00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:29,774
<i>♪ E mi tormento ♪</i>

1131
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:32,527
<i>♪ O Dio ♪</i>

1132
00:59:38,366 --> 00:59:40,660
<i>♪ Vorrei ♪</i>

1133
00:59:41,619 --> 00:59:46,624
<i>♪ Morir ♪</i>

1134
00:59:47,083 --> 00:59:51,045
Aah!

1135
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:58,094
Thank you, guys!
You've been a great audience.

1136
00:59:58,177 --> 00:59:59,721
You're all baptized.

1137
00:59:59,804 --> 01:00:01,264
Have a great night.

1138
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:14,485
"Why are you a YouTuber?
I'm not a hater. I just hate your vids.

1139
01:00:14,569 --> 01:00:15,445
And your voice."

1140
01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:19,198
"You look uglier than my ass.
No ofoinse."

1141
01:00:20,408 --> 01:00:23,286
"Does she have cancer? 'Cause I don't
want to make fun of her if she does.

1142
01:00:23,369 --> 01:00:25,038
She's so effing annoying."

1143
01:00:25,496 --> 01:00:26,581
"Your cloths are so ugly.

1144
01:00:26,664 --> 01:00:29,292
Maybe you need to go to a model class.
Your cloths look like pajamas.

1145
01:00:29,375 --> 01:00:33,004
You don't know what you're wearing.
You look good to you. You look bad to me."

1146
01:00:34,255 --> 01:00:36,174
<i>♪ "Roses are red, violets are blue</i> ♪

1147
01:00:36,257 --> 01:00:38,176
<i>♪ Pornhub is down</i>
<i>Colleen Ballinger will do" ♪</i>

1148
01:00:38,259 --> 01:00:40,011
<i>♪ "Her face is a rip off, so sad" ♪</i>

1149
01:00:40,094 --> 01:00:41,888
<i>♪ "Nice fonking forehead" ♪</i>

1150
01:00:41,971 --> 01:00:42,889
<i>♪ "Butt..." ♪</i>

1151
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:44,724
<i>♪ "...Head" ♪</i>

1152
01:00:45,767 --> 01:00:48,436
<i>♪ "Totally stupid" ♪</i>

1153
01:00:49,354 --> 01:00:51,356
<i>♪ "I hatte you with a passion</i>
<i>Thumbs up" ♪</i>

1154
01:00:51,439 --> 01:00:53,232
<i>♪ "Her face scarets me</i>
<i>She neds more makeup" ♪</i>

1155
01:00:53,316 --> 01:00:55,068
<i>♪ "She has a uniboob" ♪</i>

1156
01:00:55,151 --> 01:00:58,946
<i>♪ "I'm pretty sure</i>
<i>Her vagina smells like cat food" ♪</i>

1157
01:00:59,947 --> 01:01:01,658
That one's accurate.

1158
01:01:01,741 --> 01:01:05,787
<i>♪ You might think that I'm hurt</i>
<i>Or I'm feeling abused ♪</i>

1159
01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:09,415
<i>♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid</i>
<i>From your comments and views ♪</i>

1160
01:01:09,499 --> 01:01:12,877
<i>♪ So keep the comments coming</i>
<i>But here's some help ♪</i>

1161
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:17,131
<i>♪ Before you go insulting people</i>
<i>Maybe learn how to spell ♪</i>

1162
01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:19,008
<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

1163
01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,093
<i>♪ Dum-da-dum ♪</i>

1164
01:01:20,176 --> 01:01:22,345
<i>♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb</i> ♪

1165
01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:24,347
<i>♪ You sound so dumb ♪</i>

1166
01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:26,265
"What the duck is wrong with her face?

1167
01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:27,809
Duck, duck, duck, duck!"

1168
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:29,477
"There are eight-year-olds...

1169
01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:30,603
watching this."

1170
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:33,356
"She looks fat but still pretty."

1171
01:01:33,439 --> 01:01:35,108
<i>♪ "I think she might be a dude"</i> ♪

1172
01:01:35,191 --> 01:01:36,359
<i>♪ "You remind me of a raisin ♪</i>

1173
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:38,861
<i>♪ 'Cause you have wrinkles</i>
<i>And everyone hates you" ♪</i>

1174
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,863
<i>♪ "You look like Maranda"</i>
<i>"You look like Mirada" ♪</i>

1175
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,490
<i>♪ "Are you Merinda?"</i>
<i>"Are you Amanda?" ♪</i>

1176
01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:46,035
<i>♪ "Are you Mirrrinda?"</i>
<i>"Are you Marinade Sings? No ofens" ♪</i>

1177
01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:49,580
You know, I'm not a marinade,
so none taken.