Spike, The Player

Spike, The Player

>Be a normal day in ponyville
>Walking around, hoping something interesting will turn up.
>Nothing
>Fuck it, enter the library.
>Twilight is happily writing down notes and things.
>Sees you.
>"Hi anon!"
>She seems quite exciteed
"Hey there twilight."
>"You came around just in time."
"In time for what?"
>"Well, I was hoping I could ask you more about the human world, as part of my research."
"Yeah, sure. what do you want to know about today?"
>"I was hoping to cover the topic of human courtship."
>Oh why today?
>Whatever.
>You sit down, twilight gets her notes and books ready.
>"So, lets get started. First question: How would one human go about finding a suitable mate?"

>Many hours later, little progress.
"I guess our societies are not that different."
>"It would appear not. The only noticeable difference is that human society seems more conservative in terms of relations.
"Oh, really? I would never have guessed."
>"Yes, it seems ponies are far more promiscuous than humans are."
>wonder why.
>"Anyway, thanks for your time again anon, it really helped me to finalize this chapter of human study."
"No problem twilight."
>You are lost in thought for a few seconds
"Hey twilight, I have a question for you."
>"Erhhm, okay?"
>You decide to be direct with her.
"Why are so many ponies attracted to ME?"
>"Excuse me?"
"I mean, i have fluttershy and applejack trying to rape me on a daily basis, and pinkie is always giving me these really suggestive signals."
>Twilight is taken aback, obviously caught off guard.
>"Anon… look… I don't know. I have noticed it as well… that you are very att - I mean, that many ponies are attracted to you. But I simply don't know why."
>Dammit, you were hoping for a definite answer.
>You thank her and head out of the library.

>it is about mid afternoon.
>As you are walking outside, you are stopped by Spike.
>"Oh, er, Hi there anon!"
"Oh hey spike…"
>Clearly see he has something awkward to say.
>Better play this carefully.
"… So what you doing out here?"
>"anon… You know those things you said in the library?"
"What things?"
>"Those things about ponies being attracted to you."
"Oh yeah?"
>"Yeah, was what you said true?"
"You mean, about Fluttershy and Applejack trying to rape me? yeah, that was all truth."
>Don't even know if you should be telling spike about rape.
>How old is this dragon anyway?
>"anon, I have a problem."
"Ok. What is it?"
>"I can't seem to get with any girls."
>Stare blankly
"Urrrghh, what?"
>"I can't go out and just talk to girls like you can. You barely even try and yet you have Applejack and Fluttershy running after you!"
"Yes, but I wish they weren't. What are you getting at, anyway?"
>"I want you to teach me how to attract Women."
>Shit minefield
"Spike, listen. You are just a kid, and you have plenty of time for that when you get older. But right now… It just isn't the right time."
>Looks saddened.
>"But anon… You don't understand! You have to! please!"
>He is now begging you.
>Suddenly, Idea.
>What if you can get spike to start going out with one of the rapists?
>That would cut down on rape attempts by like 50%
>Brilliant.

"OK spike, you win. I will teach you about…"
>You struggle to find a name for it.
"About those things."
>Spikes face lights up.
>"thank you anon! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!"
>Spikes happy.
>"So when can we start?"
"Tomorrow. meet me at sugarcube corner, at exactly noon."
>"I will! Thank you so Much!"
>He runs off back into the library, eagerly awaiting tomorrow to come.
>Oh shit
>You don't even know what to say to teach him about.
>You weren't exactly Casanova back home.
>For some reason, ponies be attracted to you in Equestria.
>You go home and think long and hard about your teachings for spike tomorrow.
>Idea.

>The next morning, You rush to the library.
>Twilight is already up, but still lounging around.
"Hey twilight, Where's spike?"
>"He's gone out to fetch some stuff in town. Why?"
"I need you to summon me something from earth."
>She looks at you blankly.
>For her, its too early for this shit.
>"Well what is it?"
"It's a book."
>Her face lights up.
>"Oooohh, what is it about?"
"It's about… Human courtship."
>Her smile grows even wider.
>"Give me five minutes and I will have the spell ready."

>5 Minutes later.
>You sit with twilight and feed her all the info she requires to retrieve it.
>Her horn starts glowing.
>Its glowing really bright now.
>You can begin to see the book forming in an aura of white, The spell is nearly complete.
>Yep, its the right book.
>First try Fridays FTW.
>The spell is complete, and the book flops down on the table.
>You quickly grab it, running your fingers along the hard, leathery cover.
>You still see the little red ribbon that serves as a bookmark sticking out from the bottom.
>This is the exact same copy that you used to own back home.
>"Well… Can I see it?"
"Twilight… I need this book for a while… But I promise you can have it once I am done with it."
>She seems content.
>"Fine anon. But as soon as you are done with it, please let me read it."
>You promise you will let her read it.
>As you are making your way out of the library, you turn to twilight once more.
"Twilight, I need YOU to promise me something."
>"Fine, what is it?"
"You can never tell anypony about this book. Its a very dangerous book."
>She seems a little shocked, but at the same time, her curiosity has increased tenfold.
>"I promise, anon."
"Thanks twilight."
>You run out of the library, trying not to let anyone see the book.
>You get back home, putting the book down on your dining room table.
>You stare at the cover for a while, the golden title almost mesmerizing you.
>It says only two words:
>"The Game"
>"By Neil Strauss"

>Sugarcube corner, noon.
>Pinkie is baking cupcakes, as usual.
>The smell almost causes you to Jizz in your pants.
>You sit there, drinking your Double Mocha latte, Reading the Equestria Daily.
>Bunch of crappy news you really aren't interested in.
>Suddenly, Spike
"Sit Spike. We have a lot of stuff to cover."
>He seems to get excited at this prospect.
>"Cool! What's First?"
"First, whats your top score?"
>"my whuh?"
"How many women have you been with?"
>He is clearly defeated.
>"Errghhh… Around 2."
"AROUND 2?"
>"Errghh…actually about 1."
>You don't press for details about that one.
"OK, looks like we are in for some serious learning."

"The first rule of my teaching is: You do not talk about my teaching. The second rule of my teaching is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY TEACHINGS."
>Spike nods in understanding.
"The thing about being a pickup artist, is that you must always be the exception to the rule. Never do what anybody else does."
>Spike is taking it all in.
"One thing is guaranteed here spike: You are going to fail. You are going to get rejected. You are going to feel like shit."
>Spike seems a little confused.
"But thats how you learn. and once you have learned properly, you will be able to walk anywhere in equestria and get any girl you want."
>Spikes face lights up.
>He is hooked.
"I think you are ready for the basics."
>For the next hour, you talk about group theory, negs, how to approach and attract.
>Everything the book has taught you, you impart to spike.
>He takes notes, writhing at a furious speed.
>He never see's the book though.
>You keep it under the table, open on your lap, and refer to it whenever you need to.
>After the hour, you come to a conclusion.
"Spike, tonight you will face your first test."
>Spike looks like he was just told he had cancer.
>"Whhuu… What?"
"Tonight, we are going to go to one of the bar around ponyville: There you will practice what I have told you."
>"I don't thi-"
"Spike, listen to me. You must practice what I have taught you. I does not matter if you fail. at least you will have gotten to see the game in action."
>Spike nods reluctantly.
"I will see you tonight. Oh yeah, and bring your A-Game."

>You and spike pull up a seat at the bar.
>You order an apple cider.
>Spike is obviously too young to drink, he orders nothing.
>He has brought his notes, furiously reading through them, trying to cram before his first test.
"Tonight spike, the floor is yours. you must pick a target and open her. you must do this completely on your own."
"Once you have selected a target, you have three seconds to approach her."
>"Why 3 seconds?"
"Otherwise you start thinking about it too much. now get selecting."
>Spike looks around, the bar is pretty full, but not super full.
>It is saturday night, after all.
>Spike spots a lone blue mare by the wall, she looks pretty lonely.
>Start the clock.
"Go, spike"
>1 Second gone.
>He stares for a bit more.
>2 Seconds gone.
>"C'mon spike."
>Its now or never.

>Spike slowly lowers himself from his barstool.
>You quietly congratulate him inside your head.
>He approaches nervously.
>You begin to see his lips move.
>God, he is nervous.
>The blue mare seems to perk up a bit.
>Looking good so far
>Her lips move.
>Spike's lips move.
>Dammit, you can't hear a word they are saying.
>you watch, spike is actually holding his own.
>He breaks away.
>He is sweating bullets.
"I fucking told you! I told you you could do it!"
>You must be the best fucking teacher of all time.
>"I… I… I can't believe it…"
>He seems to be in awe
"Spike, you are a natural. You see? You just have to have some confidence, and you will get what you want."
>He looks at you, ever grateful for what you have taught him.
"You ready for another set?"
>Bring it on.

>Second set.
>Third set.
>Spike is killing it out there.
>He is doing brilliantly.
>TOO brilliantly.
>You start to ponder what will happen when he gets rejected.
>You don't have anymore time to think about it.
>Spike is derailing.
>The mare he was talking to seems to have suddenly snapped.
>Maybe it was something he said?
>Fuck, its getting worse.
>No, you can't intervene.
>You have to let him defuse this situation himself.
>He is clearly not doing well.
>Red wire? blue wire?
>Blue wire.
>Wrong wire.
>He quickly backs away and disappears into the crowd.
>You run out of the bar, looking around.
>He is sitting in the back alleyway.

"Spike?"
>He looks like he is about to punch something.
"Spike, listen to me."
>He looks at you, his frustration is apparent.
>"I… I don't even know why…"
"Look spike, you are going to get rejected. remember? I never said this would be easy. Consider this a lesson."
>He looks a lot happier now, but still a bit forlorn.
"You still did brilliantly for your first try. You fucking showed that blue mare who spike really was!"
>Spike suddenly perks up.
>"Yeah…"

>The next morning, You meet spike at sugarcube corner for a debriefing.
>He tells you every small little detail about the night.
>You assess everything, pointing out what he did right and wrong.
>You think it is time.
>Time to introduce spike to the secret weapon.
"OK spike, I think It is time to introduce you to the pickup artist's secret weapon."
>He listens ever so closely.
>"well, what is it?"
>Oh how he wants to know.
"Its alcohol."
>His face drops.
>Not the answer he was expecting.
>"I… I can't even drink… I'm underage."
"Don't panic spike. I'll hook you up with a fake ID and you will be good to go."
>He doesn't seem to sure about this.
>His whole life he has been kept on the straight and narrow path.
>Now you are corrupting his small mind.
>Time to break him out of his shell.
"Remember one thing, spike."
>"What is that?"
"Alcohol should only be used as a last resort. It's difficult to manage someone who is drunk, so be careful."
>He nods.

>The rest of the day, you chill.
>Dash comes over.
>Movies. booze. the usual.
>She leaves. as you go up, you decide to take this whole game thing one step further.
>You are going to tag team with spike on his next set.
>Let the magic happen.

>Target Acquired.
>Eyes on a small group of mares at the bar.
>start the clock.
>Moving into position.
>Spike Engages first, getting attention.
>You come in and draw fire from the group.
>Spike works quickly to get the attention of the target, a single, stout looking white mare.
>He gives you the signal.
>You lay down suppressive fire as he works to move the target to a safer location.
>Target has been moved.
>He better work quickly, you are running out of ammunition.
>His aim was perfect.
>She scribbles something on a piece of paper.
>She plants a kiss on his cheek just as he is preparing for Evac.
>Bonus points.
>You notice this.
>Toss a grenade and get the fuck out of dodge.
>That set could not have gone any better.

>The next morning, you meet spike for a debriefing.
>Its become a lot more casual now, instead of the seriousness you two once shared around pickup.
>Joking, talking about last night's perfect set.
>Eventually, there is nothing more to talk about.
>You go on to talking about general stuff.
>Suddenly, spike looks like he is missing something.
>"Hey anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"How did you learn so much about women? who taught you?"
>Minefield
>you cannot let him know about the book.
"I… I learned from experience."
>Clearly lying.
>"Really?"
"Yeah really. It was just pure practice and observation, thats all."

>You make your way back to your house.
>As you walk in, you notice the book lying on your table.
>Better put this away.
>You hide it under your mattress.
>Perfect.
>Dash comes over.
>The usual.
>She obviously knows about spike's adventures.
>News travels fast in ponyville.
>"I hear spike has game."
"It would seem so."
>"And here I was, thinking he would never ever speak to a girl in his life."
"Funny how people change."
>"Yeah, funny."
>You get the feeling she knows something is happening with spike.
>She just can't figure it out.

>You wake up.
>Head pounding, like you are about to have a fucking stroke.
>Wait, are you in...
>Oh no.
>No.
>For fucks sake, no.
>The Library.
>What the fuck.
>You are lying on the floor.
>You look to your left.
>Spike is passed out in a makeshift bed...
>With two mares on either side of him.
>FUCK.
>What happened last night?
>Its all coming back to you.
>After rainbow left, spike turned up.
>He wanted to move on up… from the bar to the club.
>So you went with him.
>He gamed several mares last night.
>That blue mare was there.
>then the white mare from the bar turned up as well.
>Black.
>You don't remember ever getting back to the library.
>You must have been piss drunk.

>Suddenly, the reality of the situation dawns on you.
>Spike has 2 mares sleeping next to him.
>In the library.
>you are passed out on the floor.
>You don't remember anything after leaving the club.
>All manner of shit could have gone down.
>You just hope…
>You look around - No sign of twilight.
>Her door is shut.
>Must be sleeping.
>Thank god.
>You spring into action
>Super handling of situation powers: ACTIVATE!!
>you clean up every de-shelved book, Applejack Daniels bottle, and bunch of other stuff with the precision of a fucking ninja.
>Still no sign of twilight.
>You gently wake up spike.
>Other two mares are still asleep.
"Spike, you better fucking get this shit sorted before twilight Wakes up."
>Spike expression changes when he actually realizes what has happened.
>ohfuck.jpg
>Spike wakes the mares up.
>They totally understand, and get the fuck out promptly.

>Situation: Handled.
>But still, what the fuck happened last night?
>Did spike? Actually?…
>suddenly, disturbing image.
>No, he couldn't have. He's like 11 isn't he?
"Spike, I don't want any bullshit here. What the actual fuck happened last night?"
>Spike sighs
>"A lot."
>You went with spike to the club.
>Both mares were there.
>Lots of drinks.
>Sick DJ was Sick.
>Decided to get on the floor.
>Wowed ponies with moves.
>Spike learned from the best.
>Mares were hooked.
>Somehow, brought mares back to the house.
>You found exactly 0 fucks to give at the time.

"Spike, I need you to answer me one question."
>"Yeah?"
"What happened between you and those two mares?"
>"Nothing. we just came here and drank some more, and then they passed out. We didn't… you know, if thats what you are asking."
>You hope he is not lying.
>"I really wanted to though. Those two were HOT. How amazing would it have been?"
"Spike, we need to talk. I think we better sit down."
>You sit, and so does spike.
>"Is this another debriefing?"
"No."
>You don't know how to handle this.
"Spike, listen. I don't know what happened exactly last night. But we can't ever have that again."
>Spike knows where this is going.
>Spike doesn't know how to control his abilities.
>He doesn't know when to stop.
"Spike… I never ever wanted things to turn out this way, but I think you just aren't ready for this."
>"What the hell are you saying? You said I was a natural!"
"You are. But you are just too young to be living this kind of lifestyle. You don't know when to stop."
>You can see the fury building in spikes eyes.
"Spike… I can't teach you anymore."
>That last line sends him over the edge.
>"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!!!"
>Caps lock is unnerving
>"YOU KNOW WHAT??!! FINE!!!! I WAS ALWAYS THE BETTER PICKUP ARTIST!!"

>You hear the door creak.
>Twilight.
>TW: "What the hay is going on in here?"
>Spike: "Nothing, twilight."
>You decide to get out of here. Fast.
"I really gotta go."
>you run out of the library.
>You run.
>You run.
>You get home, run inside.
>You stop at the table in your kitchen.
>You suddenly bring your fist down in anger.
>It strikes the table and makes a huge noise.
>You never should have taught spike about the game.
>You've created a monster.

>You spend the day cooped up in your house.
>You leave your house to call dash. You could use some bro time to get over the events of last night.
>stand under her cloud/house thing. call up to her.
>She flies down, movies and booze at the ready.
>Get back home, settle down.
>Watching some crappy RomCom.
>Dash notices that all is not well.
>"Anon… is there something wrong?"
"Everything is A - OK, Dash."
>"Well obviously it isn't, otherwise you wouldn't look the way you do."
"I'd rather not talk about it, dash."
>Silence.
>"I heard about last night."
>Wait
>Back up a minute.
"What do you mean?"
>"About what happened at the club."
>WHAT
>"One of my friends was there. She said you and some purple dragon were there together."
>Oh no
>"She said Spike left with two of the mares at the club."
>You are silent.
>"Anon?"
"Dash. This is all my fault."
>"What?"
"Spike came up to me and asked me if I could teach him how to talk to women. So I did. But I took it too far, and now this has happened."
>You sit and explain to her how the teachings occurred. how you and spike gamed women at the bar, how everything turned out.

>Dash understands.
>"So you have stopped teaching spike now?"
>You simply nod your head.
>"At least he can't do much more damage than he has already done, If he doesn't know how to progress to the next level."
>Well thats one way of looking at it.
>Without you, spike cannot learn anymore.
>He cannot progress to more advanced maneuvers.
>Not without you.
>You cheer up, and try to watch this stupid movie.
>Its getting cold up in this bitch.
>"Anon, Im gonna go upstairs and fetch some blankets."
>You simply nod your head. last night really took it out of you.
>Dash trots upstairs. you can hear her walking around.
>Suddenly, she stops.
>"Anon… I think you are gonna want to see this."

>You enter your room.
>Its beyond a mess.
>Your drawers are lying on the floor.
>The pillows are on one side of the room
>Your clothes strewn about.
>You mattress is propped up again-
>YOUR MATTRESS.
>You turn your attention to your bed supports.
>The book is gone.
>You run around your room, frantically trying to find it.
>You can't.
>Dash has obviously noticed.
>"Anon… What the hell are you looking for?"
"Spike has taken it."
>"Taken what?"
"The book."
>"WHAT BOOK??!!"
>You explain to her about the book.
>Now that spike has it, your teachings are irrelevant.
>Spike will be the most dangerous pickup artist in all equestria.
>Well, shit.

>The next morning, you feel you need to go over to the library.
>Need to take control of this situation soon.
>Get there. twilight is inside.
>"we need to talk."
"Ok then."
>"Spike has changed, anon. all he cares about anymore is going out and seeing how many mares he can get with. He moved out even."
"Where did he move to?"
>"He's living in some mare's house down by mane street."
>Silence.
"I'm sorry, twilight."
>"Sorry? SORRY? You come here and corrupt my best helper, and all you can say is you are sorry?"
"Twilight, Look, I was just trying to help him. He begged me to teach him. I never intended for this to happen."
>Twilight considers this for a moment.
>"Its fine. whats done is done."
"Maybe he will get bored of the life eventually."
>"Lets hope so."

>Over the next few days, you hear about spike's exploits.
>He got with this mare, and this mare, and this other mare from manehattan...
>It gets worse by the day.
>He must be reading the book.
>There has to be a way to stop him.
>To discourage him completely.
>But what?
>You think for a while, but nothing comes to mind.
>There must be a way.
>What happened in the book?
>Thats right, you don't know because your only copy was jacked.
>Damn.

>You need to talk to twilight.
>You remember that in the book, the author quit the life eventually.
>But why did he quit?
>Find that, and you have found spikes weakness.
>You run into the library.
"Twilight, I need you summon another copy of the book."
>She stares at you with a face that could kill somebody
>"Under no circumstances."
"Please twilight. You have to trust me on this. I know how we can stop Spike."
>"How am I meant to trust you win all you have done so far is cause problems?"
"Because I am asking you. please."
>She look around.
>"Fine."

>5 minutes later, there lies a new copy of the book.
>You don't know how twilight managed to locate it.
>Can't argue with magic.
>You instantly begin to page through the book.
>You read faster than you have ever read in your life.
>You go home, read some more.
>You don't stop reading.
>Its night now.
>Eventually, the answer becomes clear.
>Initiate plan.

>The next day, You search furiously for spike.
>You eventually find him, having breakfast at sugarcube corner.
>"Oh, hello anon."
>You sit, saying nothing.
>"I am sure you have heard about my adventures the past few days."
>Still saying nothing.
>"You know, Its amazing what you can learn if you read a little."
"Spike, I just came to ask you one last time to drop this act."
>"What do you mean? I have everything I ever wanted in my life."
"Are you sure? are you happy with these experiences that only last one night?"
>"I'm fine with it. Real relationships are overrated."
"They may be, but how long is it before you meet someone that you want a relationship with? Then your game will mean nothing."
>"Anon, you may be right, but luckily for me there is no-one who I would want a relationship with at this very moment in time."
>You feel yourself losing this argument.
"All I am asking is that you drop this act. Go back to the library, to your old life. Go back, spike."
>"Never gonna happen."
>You sigh.
"Well spike, looks like you have made your decision."
>"I have. and I am happy with it."
"Well then I guess i am gonna leave."
>You get up slowly, and begin to walk out.
>Just before you reach the door, you stop:
"I wonder What Rarity would think of you if she had to see you like this."
>You can almost feel spike choking on his pancakes.
>You exit.

>You wander around ponyville for most of the day.
>You just hope your plan has worked.
>You wander past Rarity's residence.
>Spike should be arriving right about now.
>Bingo.
>You see spike walking towards her house.
>That look of determination in his eyes.
>Duck into a nearby bush like a ninja.
>Spike is gonna try and game Rarity.

>An hour later, spike emerges, defeated.
>That look of defeat in his eyes.
>Plan worked.

>The next day, enter the library.
>Spike is walking around packing books back into their shelves.
>"Oh. Hi anon."
>You are silent.
"So what made you come back spike?"
>He looks defeated.
>"You were right, anon. I didn't want any of that stuff I said I wanted yesterday. All I wanted was for people to like me. all I wanted was for rarity to like me."
>He looks outside, with a sense of wonder.
>"I thought It was foolproof. But obviously the game doesn't work on Rarity."
"Spike, you gotta learn that the game will not always work on everybody. There are limits. and obviously rarity is the exception to the rule."
>Spike is still staring outside.
"Think of it this way. You got your whole life ahead of you. You still got years left to enjoy your youth before you have to succumb to the pressures of being old. and once you hit adulthood, you will have something that no other dragon will have."
>"What's that?"
"The Game."
>Somehow, he cheers up.
"I think you owe rarity an apology for running the game on her."
>"I don't know if I should."
"Just tell her that what you said and did yesterday wasn't you. Just tell her that you wanted her attention, and you didn't know how to get it."
>"But thats what any normal chump would do. What about being the exception to the rule?"
"Sometimes, you just gotta break rules to get things done."

>Outside Rarity's
>Spike is pretty much ready.
>Enter Rarity's House.
>She is busy going through a bunch of outfits.
>R: "Oh, why hello there, spike." She says, not particularly interested.
>S: "Rarity, I just came to apologize."
>She tries to remain uninterested, but she is clearly intent on listening to what spike has to say.
>S: "I should never have come over here yesterday and been so… forward with you."
>More interest.
>S: "That wasn't the real spike yesterday. That was just a front I put up in the hopes of getting you to like me."
>Rarity cannot take it no more.
>She turns to face spike.
>R: "Oh spike, whatever gave you the impression that I did not like you?"
>S: "Whu-"
>She approaches him
>R: "Spike, All I wanted was to see the real you. There is no merit in trying to attract me using some persona that is not yours."
>Spike is clearly hit hard by those words.
>R: "But on the other hand, It was rather sweet…"
>Out of nowhere, she plants a kiss on spike's cheek.
>Spike's face turns a new shade of red, and he starts breathing really fast.
>REALLY Fast.
>Spike slows down his breathing, and Faints in the middle of the room.
>You and rarity can't help but laugh.
>Don't Hate the player.
>Hate the game.