Kirby and Asexuality

Growing up, I never felt that looks ever mattered to me as a person. My favorite attributes in a person were always their personalities. Though, I always had a seed of doubt in my mind if I was just saying this to myself or if it was actually true.

I first labeled myself as asexual early in high school. Though, I still had constant doubts on if I was lying to myself or not. Am I just calling myself asexual to justify that I've never known anyone to be romantically interested in me? Have I just not found that one person that I want to be romantically involved with? I always felt weird calling myself that, partially because I didn't even know if being "asexual" was valid. Nobody really liked me outside of my circle of friends, so I was always skeptical that it was just me trying to justify my own unpopularity.

Another reason for this doubt was because of how obsessed our culture was with sex. I always thought that being into sex was just a thing for all people and that I was just a contrarian trying to be unique. In high school, I occasionally mentioned that I never looked at porn or masturbated, and it was *always* responded with doubt. People thought I was outright lying or just that I would eventually succumb to it. This furthered my own confusion and doubt, and made me lean more into thinking I was indeed just contrarian. I still never found any person I wanted to be in a sexual relationship with, but I just figured that I'd have that feeling someday I'd find that person and I'd truly realize that I was never asexual to begin with. I never thought to myself that not wanting sex was okay or valid.

Then, right around my 20th birthday, I finally developed romantic feelings for somebody. It had nothing to do with sex and entirely to do with that I loved interacting and talking with this person. I had a brief flirt with them though that ended after a week or two for personal reasons with mutual understanding. This brief flirt made me question my sexuality even more than I already had been. Am I actually just straight? Was I really just lying to myself? I still don't feel that I have any interest in sex, so why was I so romantically interested in this person? From then on I would either not label myself at all or I would say I'm asexual while gritting my teeth in further doubt.

September 8, 2017, Season 4 of the Netflix adult animation BoJack Horseman is released in full (I was 21 at the time). BoJack Horseman is a series about an anthropomorphic horse who used to star in a popular television show in-universe, and has since become washed up. The show amazingly tackles serious issues like depression and self-destuctive behavior in such a way that I've never seen in any other media. I'd highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't checked it out yet.

Now, in season 4, one of the side characters has an arc where they realize that they are asexual after they didn't reciprocate feelings from one of their close friends. He goes to an asexual meetup group and was confused by two of the members there being married. That they still maintained a relationship despite having no interest in sex. And, then, at the end of the season, they start a relationship with another asexual character, finishing their arc of accepting themselves.

This was just, really illuminating to me. I had always thought that this concept of being asexual and desiring a romantic relationship were mutually exclusive. The show finally made me realize that I was never contradicting myself. I was never being contrarian. My feelings were valid, and real. I was finally able to truly embrace my identity without doubting that I was just making excuses for myself.

Let me make one thing clear though, I've never had depression. I've never had large-scale anxiety. I've never had low self-esteem. Despite being one of the most unpopular and disliked people in middle school and high school, I never let things get to me. That's just who I am. So, none of my personal doubt about my sexuality affected my self-esteem significantly. It was just a small part of my life that I honestly hadn't thought that much about until recent years.

But, I'm not everyone. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have similar stories to mine that did have to deal with depression and self-loathing due to confusion about their sexuality. This is why it's so important that asexuality be included in communities like LGBT+ and Pride. People may not be actively discriminated against or harassed for being asexual, but I think confusion about sexuality must be extremely prevalent, and having a massive community like Pride to tell them they are valid would be so uplifting and welcoming to so many people. To leave out people because they aren't actively being harassed seems so self-centered.

Pride may have started as a protest against police brutality, but it is so much more than that now. Pride is a celebration of being who you are despite society telling you that isn't who you are. And as such, asexuality not just deserves, but needs to be celebrated as a part of Pride.