March of the Fluffies - Extinct Fluffies 1

Vanner, June 4, 2013; 12:41 / FB 11386
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March of The Fluffies: Extinct Fluffy Breeds

>Morgan Freeman velvety smooth voice saddles your ears as he walks through a featureless hall.
>”To some, a fluffy pony is a cherished part of the family.”
>He walks by a live fluffy pegasus, and gently pats it on the head before the camera follows him to another room.
>”To others, they’re targets of aggression,” he continues, gesturing to a flayed, but still breathing unicorn. “Vermin to mutilated and exterminated for the crimes they have dared to commit.”
>Mr. Freeman walks away from the soft sobs of “wan die” to another hall where dozens of mounted fluffy species stare back at the camera.
>”But to the scientists who created them, fluffy ponies are nothing short of a miracle.”
>He sits down in a red leather wingback, and opens a book on the nearby table.
>”When the fluffy pony came to be, it was not as we know it now, but as a series of failures that created the greatest ecological disaster of our time.”
>”If someone had told you a decade ago that an entire species could come into existence, and then cease to be in just that short time, would you have believed them?"
>"Tonight, on a very special March of the Fluffies, we'll discuss how the fluffy pony came to be, and how the dead ends of genetic engineering came to be the species we know today."
>Cue montage of fluffies drowning, walking off cliffs, pummeling each other with ineffective, marshmallow like hooves.
>"Spaghetti Warehouse presents… March of the Fluffies."
>Awww, yiss.
>For such a dignified discussion, you've outfitted your fluffy pony with a top hat.
>She seems content with it as the scene shifts to a laboratory.
>"Here in Hasbio laboratories, a miracle is about to occur," says Morgan Freeman.
>A group of white coated scientists tap on tablets as a container full of pink liquid drains away to reveal a blob of life moving beneath a membranous coating.
>One of the scientists reaches forward with a pair of scissors and cuts open the membrane to reveal a creature unlike any the world has seen before or since.
>Its front and rear don't match at all, looking more like a rabbit's hind quarters hastily tacked to the front end of a horse.
>Its amniotic coated fur lays matted to its skin, jus t a few centimeters long and a mottle of grey and brown.
>The creature gasps for air for a moment, coughing up a lungful of amniotic fluid before chirping quietly in distress.
>"This, viewers," says Mr. Freeman, "was the first fluffy pony."
>The scene changes to a montage of the proto-fluffy shying away from people, mewling like a kitten, and generally being terrified of everything around it.
>"This fluffy couldn't talk, didn't look anything like a horse, and most of all, was terrified of every human being it ever saw."
>A few more of the proto-fluffies gather in a shivering huddle around the first fluffy, as the scientist shake their heads in disappointment.
>"It was, in many ways, a complete disaster, and funding for the pony product line was nearly cut."
>One of the scientists flips a cover up before pressing a large red button.
>Hissing fills the speakers as the camera focuses on a small nozzle in the ceiling of the glass observatory.
>Proto-fluffies screech and paw at the glass for a moment before falling over.
>A few shallow breathes later, and they lay still.
>The scene of the proto-fluffy herd fades to black and white, only to be replaced a minute later by a creature that looks more like a cat sized horse.
>"But the success of the next generation ponies gave Hasbio hope that this project wouldn't be a complete failure.
>The tiny white horse walks around its glass observatory, pushing around a ball with its nose. A few others trot around happily, shaking their brightly colored manes.
>"These ponies came from a complete revision of the fluffy DNA," says Morgan Freeman. "While smarter, friendlier, and more lovable than their forbearers, these fluffies still did not have the ability to speak, and came only in the earthie variety."
>Cue scene of scientists giving each other a thumbs ups before tapping on their tablets.
>The camera slides to the left, showing a room filled with creatures quite similar to the others, only with massively oversized heads.
>Most of them lie on the ground, unable to lift their heads far enough above the ground to move.
>Along their backs are a pair of wings, and adorning every grotesquely oversize head is a horn.
>"Huu huu huu," they sob. "Evy ting huwt so bad. Wan die, hu hu hu. Wan die."
>"The next generation wasn't nearly as good, but they were, at least, able to speak."
> As a scientist shakes her heads in disappointment, she reaches for the big red button.
>"I never thought we'd get these things right," says the scientist, as the bobble headed monstrosities behind her flail for air.
>"Docta!" shouts your fluffy pony. "Daddee! It Docta Stein!"
>Sure enough, the banner at the bottom of the scene reveals that it's Doctor Francine Stein, your fluffy's vet.
>"But as it turned out, we couldn't do everything we wanted to with genetic engineering alone," she continues, walking past a series of tubes holding what you recognize as fluffy ponies.
>"We wound up engineering an organic nanomachine that did some of the heavy cognitive lifting for the fluffy, giving it most of the abilities that it needed in a size it could handle."
>She smiles and pats a Luna fluffy on the head as she sits down at a microscope.
>"A fluffy pony is really two creatures living in perfect harmony," says Dr. Stein. "The fluffy, and the nanofluffy."
>The camera changes focus to view what's on the slide: a clump no bigger than a blood cell that touches, then skitters away to do it all again.
>"It's not without a certain amount of irony," says Morgan Freeman, "That a electron microscope picture of the nanofluffy looks quite like it's full sized companion."
>The picture changes to a false color image of the nanofluffy, looking like a clump of fluff with two black eyes.
>"This is, of course, where the Cotton Fluffy came from, but more on that later."
>The picture changes back to Morgan freeman, walking around that same laboratory, now abandoned and laying in ruins.
>"But as we all know, Hasbio scientists didn't stop with the fluffy pony," he says. "The continued their research into bigger and better pursuits, and perhaps, even into dangerous territory."
>The scene fades back to an active and bustling laboratory. In the middle of a pen, a ten foot high, pink fluffy pony toddles around, giggling, and trying to hide under boxes.
>"Nu find fwuffy heh!" she giggles.
>"We discovered an early fault in fluffy DNA that caused their fluffy to act as if were cilia," says one of the scientists. "Of course, since fluffies can't bring things inside of them, it just let go eventually.
>He pauses to pick up a green unicorn fluffy.
>"Except for other fluffies."
>The scientist pats him on the head before setting the green fluffy down inside the pen
>He toddles over to the ten foot tall fluffy and raises his hooves.
>"Huggies fwom big fwuffy?" he asks.
>"Huggies!" booms the giant fluffy.
>The two embrace, for a moment before the pink fluff starts to entwine with green fluff,
>"Wha happen?" asks the green fluffy as the pink fluff starts to drag him in. "Nu! Nu wike! Hewp fwuffy! HEW-"
>He is silenced a moment later as the pink fluff engulfs him and drags him into the giant fluffy's body.
>"Wheh fiend go?" asks the Pink fluffy, looking around.
>She only looks for a moment before going back to playing with the boxes.
>"Though this fault was bred out of the fluffy pony," says Morgan Freeman, "it remains dormant, allowing for easy transplants."
>Morgan Freeman steps away from the laboratory, and in front of a twenty foot wide, pink fluffy pelt.
>"March of the Fluffies: Extinct Fluffies, will return in a moment, after these words from our sponsors."
>Get up from the couch to get some spaghetti for you and your fluffy.
>You know what's coming up next, and you can hardly wait.