Pun list

Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back. I think it would be truly alarming.,
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.,
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.,
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail? The retail store of course.,
How do you throw a space party? You planet.,
A scarecrow says: This job isn't for everyone but hay it's in my jeans.,
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now,
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.,
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.,
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.,
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.,
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.,
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.,
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.,
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.,
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.,
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.,
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.,
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.,
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.,
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.,
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.,
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.,
Sausage puns are the wurst.,
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.,
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind it’s too cheesy.,
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.,
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.,
How do trees access the internet? They log on.,
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.,
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.,
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.,
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.,
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak,
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me,
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but none of them work,
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen,
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally,
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter,
Last night I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea,
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance.. so I pushed her over,
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now,
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off,
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe,
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any,
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case,
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve,
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution,
England doesn't have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool,
She had a photographic memory but never developed it,
Jill broke her finger today but on the other hand she was completely fine,
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes,
A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils!,
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care,
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man- a brave man. He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo,
My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were “Be positive!”,
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi,
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.,
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.. but then I changed my mind,
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry though - he woke up,
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve,
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves,
I was going to make a chemistry joke...but since I'm kinda late to the thread.. the good ones argon,
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "how do you drive this thing?",
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays,
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person,
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire,
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”,
German sausage jokes are just the wurst,
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize,
The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke.. but got no reaction,
Sleeping comes so naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed,
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator,
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist,
Need an ark? I Noah guy,
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it,
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them,
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine,
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!,
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite',
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus,
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents,
Why is the number six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine,
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill,
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob,
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing it just waved.,
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!,
I lost my mood ring and I don't know how I'm feeling about that,
I bought a boat because it was for sail,
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars,
I'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience,
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak,
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit,