toward the end of this past school year as a senior in high school, I met a girl who meant the world to me. The more I got to know her the more I realized how similar she is to me and how much she related to me more than anyone else I've ever met.
She became my girlfriend and was in love with me as much as I was with her. It almost felt surreal.
Yesterday she told me she wanted to talk to me in real life so we met at a park in the city and when we met she told me that every time we go out together and spend time with each other, she feels really empty and lonely after we part ways for the next few days.
This August I am attending a university several hours away from hers. She said that once I go away to college she wouldn't be able to cope with that feeling during the entirety of the week and potentially for several weeks at a time when we're apart. She said her lows get really low and that she thinks it would be best that we break up before she gets too attached the more we spend time in the summer because once I go away to college my absence will affect her grades and life too drastically.
She was crying really badly when she was telling me this and it was so indescribably painful watching her cry.
When I got home, it really sunk in.
I've literally been pouring tears into my pillow since. I don't remember the last time i've cried this much. It's to the point where there's dark red spots under my eyes.
I realized I had become so emotionally attached that I no longer knew how to live without her.
I'm actually at the lowest point I think I have ever been at in my life. I can't eat or get up to do anything.
I generally have a happy disposition but I didn't know I could ever feel like this.
I would imagine it's even worse for her since she's had a bad history with depression in the past. she has scars on her wrists and fucked up liver from taking like twenty tylenols trying to kill herself once.
so knowing it may be worse for her hurts me even more.
Because the more I got to know her, the more her happiness had more meaning to me than my own.
and that really fucks me up.
But yeah, I don't know what to say.
I'm an actual mess right now.
The last text message she sent me back made me bawl even harder, when she told me how she will always be reminded of me when she hears a certain song or how her hand will always feel empty without mine.
it's actually kind of shocking seeing myself like this. I've never felt this shitty in my life. I feel like i'm on the verge of vomiting but i haven't even eaten in over 24 hours.
This was the only time I had ever fallen in love beyond infatuation.
I seriously became so emotionally attached to her and I genuinely felt that she was my soulmate.
Because no other person made me feel the way she did. ever.
it's kind of crazy how much more tolling emotional pain can be than physical pain. It really is.
i don't want to do any of the things that used to make me happy but doing nothing makes the time pass so slowly.
i've never felt this low in my life.
Before we said our last goodbye we hugged for a really long time until I walked into the subway station.
My last words spoken to her were "I love you".
Because I never got to say it before.
I could not have meant it more.
And it almost felt out of character because I don't even say the phrase to my own family. I can't even recall the last time I said it. I don't even know if I've uttered the phrase before.
She started crying really hard after I said it.
I walked into the station and that was that.
it feels kind of funny being in a train full of people and feeling alone.
I really thought it would get better the next day but the morning was worse than the night before. And this night was worse than the morning.
I do not want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me alive is the hope that I will cross paths with her in the future.