Welcome To My Life..

My Story. If your reading this right now it's me telling my story by choice or because im a complete and utter idiot and completed the one thing i shouldn't have and i'm really sorry for hurting you. But I rather have my story told so you know why I have finally ended it or if i'm just trying to expain why i'm so fucked in the head. Part One, How It All Started. Lets start with something simple, my birth sounds about right. No one can ever remember there birth moments or most moments they can fade away as they get older. But some moments can scar you for life. Well some never leave. I don't remember much but my first memories are only me and my father, It has always been just me and my father... Its not like my mother died or anything but she left, She gave birth and signed me away to my father without a second thought according to her and him. She hadme young and left the county without a trace. My first memories I can recall on is getting sexually touched then raped and after that beaten by my father and his friends... I remeber it clearly of every face and every single second he beat or raped me. Not gonna lie it hurts to this day, A fucking lot. I also remeber when I had my first friend his name was Jay, he was a year older then me and he had dirty-blonde hair and green eyes... He was my first friend I ever had plus to top that off he also lived right next door to my father's horse ranch. I never told him about what my father or my fathers friends but he already could see I was getting beaten... My father always told my school teachers that it was from me riding horses all day and not being careful and guessing he was/is a police officer and i'v always sat there saying nothing to anyone, so nothings ever got done. I grew up with that till I was 9 nearly 10, I mean who's going to trust a 9 year old over a cop?... Then Jay came out and told me his uncle was touching him and he never wanted to be home because he didn't like the way his uncle touched him.. So at the end of my fence line and the end of his fence line there was this big tree that we called "The Safe Tree" we met there everyday after we finished our homework an stuff and waited for eachother, we told eachother our issues with life, we shared secrets and most of all we were away from everything... But a couple weeks before my birthday Jay didnt come to school, he didn't text me, he didn't call or even let me know he was sick what was odd because he always had done so in past. So after school i went home and checked the mailbox as i always do and there was a letter for me from Jay? There Was a picture of our tree and us, he wasnt smiling in it neither was i and at the verybottom of the page it said " Im Sorry, BestFriends Forever " ... I thought nothing of it and headed to our tree to find out what was going on... I got to the tree... I seen my best friend... He was hanging fromthe tree... The was this cable-tie/rope-thing around his neck and I thought it was a prank, i yelled out to him to tell him it wasnt funny and he said nothing.. He was just floating in the wind.. Rocking/waving slowly... I started to freakout and ran home once i figured out he wasnt joking, I knew something was wrong so I ran as fast as I could... I found my father talking to one of his horse trainers and told him what Jay was doing.. He looked at me shocked and ran to mine and Jays tree and cut him down and called 911... I didn't know what was going on but I was so fucking scared, my father looked mad and scared so did the worker... He yelled at me to go home so the worker walked me home telling me everything is going to be fine and my father stayed with jay while jay was, well lets be honest here, laying there cold and dead but I never knew that at the time it counted. His "Grave Day" was a week before my birthday, he had be made to look like he was sleeping, well I thought he looked like he was anyway... I held his lifeless cold hand crying begging for my best friend to come back and stop this stupid prank but he didn't move or say anything.... Watching him get lowered into the grave was so fucking hard but least his father let him get burried at MINE AND HIS tree. (Where we both belong.) After his "Grave Day" my fathers beatings got worse that week... Till my birthday came around... I was finally 10. My father came into my room and woke me up and told me someone was on the phone for me at around 6-7am, it turned out to be my so called mother... She told me it was time I met the other side of the family in Newzealand because my father had alot of work at the station and the ranch... That day after I opened all my gifts and seen my fathers side of the family plus had time alone with Jays grave, I had to start packing because my plane was already booked for the day after my birthday. I was kinda excited the thought of leavng my abusive father/his friends/all my worrys and finally get to know my mother was overly amazing, but also the thought of leaving mine and Jays tree broke my heart and I felt like if i left it would be leaving Jay behind... The again me being a child I had no choice in the matter guessing they knew best. Part Two, The Other Side. Let's start with I fucking HATE planes, high places at all I dislike but planes are so much worse then any high place I'v had been before. I ended up closing my eyes the whole time and listened to my music, thinking about whats ahead of me and what my mother would be like, pretty? ugly? dumb? fat? skinny? mean? sweet? loving? or even like my father? After we were finally in Newzealand and got to the Auckaland airport, I had to wait at the doors for my mother because I was underage, every second I was waiting Jay crossed my mind... I wanted this moment to happen with Jay next to me but even though he wasn't I had this odd feeling he was watching me and by my side every second of it making sure I would be ok but then again I was a child so I could just be having my little insane moment, who doesn't as a child? I guess my mother was running late or I was early but I sat there waiting for awhile but when she shown up she was with this random old couple that wouldnt stop smiling it was weirdly creepy, turned out the weirdly creepy smiling old couple were my grandmother an grandfather. The old lady came up to my and hugged me and said hi, im your nana and all that and then my grandfather did the same but my mother just stood there staring at me like she was a little lost puppy and asked if I was hungry or thristy after my flight, i shock my head still not speaking to anyone... She was skinny, long blonde dyed hair, ALOT of makeup to the point where she was orange but she didn't seem very into meeting me... Me and her had a stare off for awhile till she said she will show me were i'll be staying from now on when you come visit, I didn't understand what she meant by visit I thought this was a one time thing but oh god I was so wrong.