a vent/rant. im sorry

Absolutely fucking terrible. I hate myself and I want to die. Im guilty about everything and I fee like such a disgrace. I have a horrible mind and my mental issues are becoming worse. I just want it all to end. I keep having dreams and thoughts about suicide and how i'll write my note. I want it to stop I used to follow those steps and be a straight A student. Idk what went wrong with my brain but its just so wasted now Its like say, my grandpa's house. It used to be full of flowers and color and trees and wonder. It used to be such a beautiful place that you'd stop in your tracks just to look at it. And now my grandpa has turned it into a wasteland of hoarded garbage. The property is a whore that got raped in the throat and died. God wtf is wrong with me. Should I delete that?
God I feel like people here just read my ramblings about sex torture and people dying and they forget im a real person. Im a real person for gods sake. I havent had a date forever. ever. I go on rants about incoherent analogies about rape and whores and shit like that. I hate myself. Do I just need more time or what? Am I just retarded? Do I noy try hard enough? If I try too hard, I break. Thats the fucking problem. I dont try hard enough, but when I put too much effort, I snap in half. Im such a whore for feeling terrible. I dont care about consent, I just let it fuck me in the ass and rip my open sores and cuts. I just fucking take it. I just want to be able to scream about all the shit I write about here. I just want to make a song like where I can just scream everything inside of me. But everyone would hear me and stone me to death with questions and "oh are you okay"? I dont know anymore. Well, you know what they say, you're personally responsible for the entire strip to be washed away, as if gallons of rubbing alcohol flowed through the strip and were set on fire.