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- Creepy Alien
- A Screenplay by nut man
- EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - AFTERNOON
- Understanding scout PROF TRISTAN THORNTON is arguing with clever police officer DR MICHELLE THORNTON. TRISTAN tries to hug MICHELLE but she shakes him off.
- TRISTAN
- Please Michelle, don't leave me.
- MICHELLE
- I'm sorry Tristan, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
- TRISTAN
- I am such a person!
- MICHELLE frowns.
- MICHELLE
- I'm sorry, Tristan. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
- MICHELLE leaves.
- TRISTAN sits down, looking defeated.
- Moments later, gracious hairdresser PROF RICHARD GREENWAY barges in looking flustered.
- TRISTAN
- Goodness, Richard! Is everything okay?
- RICHARD
- I'm afraid not.
- TRISTAN
- What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
- RICHARD
- It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien devour a bunch of swimmers!
- TRISTAN
- Defenseless swimmers?
- RICHARD
- Yes, defenseless swimmers!
- TRISTAN
- Bloomin' heck, Richard! We've got to do something.
- RICHARD
- I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
- TRISTAN
- You can start by telling me where this happened.
- RICHARD
- I was...
- RICHARD fans himself and begins to wheeze.
- TRISTAN
- Focus Richard, focus! Where did it happen?
- RICHARD
- Tower Bridge, London! That's right - Tower Bridge, London!
- TRISTAN springs up and begins to run.
- EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
- TRISTAN rushes along the street, followed by RICHARD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
- EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
- KIMBERLY SWEET a creepy alien terrorises two swimmers.
- TRISTAN, closely followed by RICHARD, rushes towards KIMBERLY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
- RICHARD
- What is is? What's the matter?
- TRISTAN
- That's not just any old alien, that's Kimberly Sweet!
- RICHARD
- Who's Kimberly Sweet?
- TRISTAN
- Who's Kimberly Sweet? Who's Kimberly Sweet? Only the most creepy alien in the universe!
- RICHARD
- Blinkin' knickers, Tristan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy alien in the universe!
- TRISTAN
- You can say that again.
- RICHARD
- Blinkin' knickers, Tristan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy alien in the universe!
- TRISTAN
- I'm going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.
- Kimberly turns and sees Tristan and Richard. She grins an evil grin.
- KIMBERLY
- Tristan Thornton, we meet again.
- RICHARD
- You've met?
- TRISTAN
- Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
- EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
- A young TRISTAN is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
- He looks up and sees KIMBERLY. He takes off his headphones.
- KIMBERLY
- Would you like some toffees?
- TRISTAN's eyes light up, but then he studies KIMBERLY more closely, and looks uneasy.
- TRISTAN
- I don't know, you look kind of creepy.
- KIMBERLY
- Me? No. I'm not creepy. I'm the least creepy alien in the world.
- TRISTAN
- Wait, you're a alien?
- TRISTAN runs away, screaming.
- EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
- KIMBERLY
- You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
- RICHARD
- (To TRISTAN) You ran away?
- TRISTAN
- (To RICHARD) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
- TRISTAN turns to KIMBERLY.
- TRISTAN
- I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
- TRISTAN runs away.
- He turns back and shouts.
- TRISTAN
- I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with candlesticks.
- KIMBERLY
- I'm not scared of you.
- TRISTAN
- You should be.
- EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY
- TRISTAN and RICHARD walk around searching for something.
- TRISTAN
- I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.
- RICHARD
- Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.
- TRISTAN
- You know nothing Richard Greenway.
- RICHARD
- We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
- Suddenly, KIMBERLY appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.
- KIMBERLY
- Looking for something?
- RICHARD
- Crikey, Tristan, she's got your candlesticks.
- TRISTAN
- Tell me something I don't already know!
- RICHARD
- The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
- TRISTAN
- I know that already!
- RICHARD
- I still wear nappies.
- KIMBERLY
- (appalled) Dude!
- While KIMBERLY is looking at RICHARD with disgust, TRISTAN lunges forward and grabs his deadly candlesticks. He wields them, triumphantly.
- TRISTAN
- Prepare to die, you creepy aubergine!
- KIMBERLY
- No please! All I did was devour a bunch of swimmers!
- MICHELLE enters, unseen by any of the others.
- TRISTAN
- I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Tristan Thornton defender of innocent swimmers.
- KIMBERLY
- Don't hurt me! Please!
- TRISTAN
- Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these candlesticks on you right away!
- KIMBERLY
- Because Tristan, I am your mother.
- TRISTAN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
- TRISTAN
- No you're not!
- KIMBERLY
- Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
- KIMBERLY tries to grab the candlesticks but TRISTAN dodges out of the way.
- TRISTAN
- Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
- Unexpectedly, KIMBERLY slumps to the ground.
- RICHARD
- Did she just faint?
- TRISTAN
- I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.
- TRISTAN crouches over KIMBERLY's body.
- RICHARD
- Be careful, Tristan. It could be a trick.
- TRISTAN
- No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Kimberly Sweet is dead!
- TRISTAN
- What?
- TRISTAN
- Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
- RICHARD claps his hands.
- RICHARD
- So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.
- MICHELLE steps forward.
- MICHELLE
- Is it true? Did you kill the creepy alien?
- TRISTAN
- Michelle how long have you been...?
- MICHELLE puts her arm around TRISTAN.
- MICHELLE
- Long enough.
- TRISTAN
- Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Kimberly Sweet.
- MICHELLE
- Then the swimmers are safe?
- TRISTAN
- It does seem that way!
- A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
- MICHELLE
- You are their hero.
- The swimmers bow to TRISTAN.
- TRISTAN
- There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Kimberly Sweet will never devour swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
- MICHELLE
- You are humble as well as brave!
- One of the swimmers passes TRISTAN a tinkling pendant
- MICHELLE
- I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
- TRISTAN
- I couldn't possibly.
- Pause.
- TRISTAN
- Well, if you insist.
- TRISTAN takes the pendant.
- TRISTAN
- Thank you.
- The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
- TRISTAN turns to MICHELLE.
- TRISTAN
- Does this mean you want me back?
- MICHELLE
- Oh, Tristan, of course I want you back!
- TRISTAN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
- TRISTAN
- Well you can't have me.
- MICHELLE
- WHAT?
- TRISTAN
- You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
- MICHELLE
- But...
- TRISTAN
- Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Richard.
- RICHARD grins.
- MICHELLE
- But...
- RICHARD
- You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
- MICHELLE
- Tristan?
- TRISTAN
- I'm sorry Michelle, but I think you should skidaddle.
- MICHELLE leaves.
- RICHARD turns to TRISTAN.
- RICHARD
- Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
- TRISTAN
- Of course you are!
- The two walk off arm in arm.
- Suddenly RICHARD stops.
- RICHARD
- When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
- THE END
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