To my force of nature.

I love you. I love you so much. You have taught me what love is. I honestly don’t think I knew before this year. This unmistakable, gut-wrenching, excruciating lesson of life. It was also so good at times.

Like the start of that one Paramore song we used to listen too. “Can’t call you a stranger, but I can’t call you.” I don’t know what exactly I did to cause you to push me away. I know I got very pushy about your attention, and how you felt about me. I know it was  because of the new distance. I never meant to push you away entirely. I never could.

I know that you’re living a new life now. New places, new people, new possibilities. I’m sorry that I didn’t make the cut in what you wanted to keep in your life. I do recognize that some of it was my own doing. Like not giving you space when you begged for it. I really should have, but I can’t undo the past.

You say i only supported you to keep you? That’s so not true. What about when I didn’t have you? When I asked about Jake. When I was helping you move. When you would have doubts but I would always try to help you shake them.  Like the car parking fee. I told you to just go into it with open mindset and don’t sweat the small stuff. I could have went along with all of it if all I wanted to do was keep you here or with me... I really just wanted you to be happier. You are now, and I’m so happy about that. I just wish it didn’t cost our friendship.

Do you remember before you left? You were by the catering printer and You asked me what was wrong. I told you that my worst fear was that you would move and forget about me. You told me that wasn’t going to happen. Hell, you and Ashleigh were still friends. I guess I just knew.... I just “knew” those upcoming weeks were our last. I held onto you so tight, probably too tightly, but you still slipped through my arms.

When you first got there you were so miserable. You completely left me out of any details for the first time in our friendship. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what was going on with you. It’s like you just decided I wasn’t someone you could trust anymore. Or wanted to trust. I don’t know what I did to cause you to push away so hard. We had talked everyday on the phone on your trip there and I felt so close to you. Only to be cut off without warning.

I know that you didn’t love me for awhile towards the end. I know that you were craving jake. I get it. I really really do now. It’s impossible to control those feelings. You were never really -mine-. not in the way that I was yours. That’s not your fault, and I don’t blame you. Just know that every time I looked into those beautiful blue eyes and told you that I loved you that I MEANT it. I would have died for you in a heartbeat. I would have done anything to make you happy.

You were the reason why i wanted to improve myself so much. I know you’re going to say “you should want to do that for yourself and not anyone else”. That’s true in theory, but everyone needs that spark. Something to improve for. You were it. You gave me a sense of direction to my life and god, did I want to be the best person possible for you. I wanted to give you what I thought you deserved. You deserved someone who was trying to grow themselves. I didn’t think I was good enough for you but i damn sure was going to try. I didn’t want to let you slip away because of my insecurities. It’s a shame they played a big role in all of it anyways. I was really getting better.


I’m never going to forget last year. Sneaking away to text you. Sending you songs. Rubbing elbows secretly while making food. I looked forward to every text. Every good morning before we saw each other twenty minutes later. You were my sunshine. You were just it. Everything that I could dream up in a woman. I never thought I would be singing “I need a man” from grease or “Thunder” with the girl of my dreams in a small town Panera. You gave me such relief and promise for a long time. You were the something better out there. You made me believe in it. I still REALLY hope that you’re going to get the amazing valentines you deserve. You deserve to be treated like you fucking mean something. Never forget that.

I’m so sorry for how we got together. I know I rushed it. I know neither one of us were really ready. I just  had finally realized what I wanted..not that I didn’t know all along. I just made up my mind to go for it. I know I had hurt you for months. I know you cried every night. I know you felt abandoned and alone. I’m so sorry. From the very pit, from the deepest part of my soul, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to put you through that pain. The person who i loved so much, I let suffer. I’m so sorry, Heather. That act of cowardice will undo me for the rest of my life. I should have stood up for you then. I should have shared that pain with you. I just wasn’t the man I should have been.

I didn’t know you were thinking about getting back together with Jake. I didn’t know you were still in love with him when I first came back to you. That was my problem though. I didn’t ask questions, I didn’t see how YOU were. I was just so excited  to finally be doing things with YOU. I felt like things were finally now they were supposed to be. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have done more for you. Mended OUR friendship first before diving into anything. I just was really truly in love with you. I didn’t want to risk letting you get away again.

It didn’t help that Taylor was being crazy at the time and causing drama. I can’t imagine how much stress you were under with that. That coupled with the fact that I was stressed about money, dog, and apartment stuff I know didn’t make for the best start. Please know that I was trying so hard. I know you were too. Even in our slightly broken state it was all so worth it.

I’m so sorry that we went from can’t not text each other on vacations to you needing almost a month of space away from me. I’m so sorry we have come to that. I still feel you in my veins. You are still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and almost every moment in between. You’re an addiction I just simply can not break. You’re the LOVE of my life. That I know for sure. You are MY twin soul even though I know you don’t feel it anymore. I will always be missing my other half.

All I ask is that you don’t remember us the way we are now. Broken, not friends, not really anything. I hope you don’t just view me as a crazy ex. I am crazy, but love is the strongest emotion out of all and I wasn’t going to not chase it. I wasn’t going to just let it die. If there was a chance I was going to take it.  I know I’m breaking space again, I’m sorry. I’m just finally giving up on reaching you again. I really am sorry for such a bitter ending. Our story deserved better. Enjoy Portland and whatever the future brings you. I hope whoever experiences you next doesn’t take you for granted and treats you like you deserve. Don’t settle.

All I ask is that you remember us from the car rides, the waterfalls (jumping in one after another) and following that big truck all the way home in the rain. Going to the mountains for day trips. Asheville, the fireworks, being able to be outside together, the dueling piano bar, the amazing hotel...thank you. Tennessee, seeing the fountain show together after talking about it together on separate trips, huge pancakes.Halloween candy houses, late-night chocolate pretzel bingeing, apple orchards (damn that cider was so good). Playing video games with you (I hope you’ll take a lesson and never choose shyguy LOL). sitting in gas station parking lot just laughing for hours, small hick village zombies coming after us and you better not turn around in their driveway, branches coming through the window, listening to music all the way home, deep conversation, watching the stars from the mountains at night, space mountain, seeing Disney lit up at night, hogwarts, watching the light shows together, thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping. The snow day.  stealing kisses at work, all night cuddles, looking for apartments together, random trips to Walmart, cuddling and watching Steven universe. There’s so much more. There is SO MUCH more that we crammed into a beautiful 7-8 months. I -cherish- every. Single. Memory. but thank you for everytime me you brought your head to my chest and I wrapped my arms around you.  I just wish I would have held on tighter. Those moments made it all worth it.

I will never forget the first time In that powdersville parking lot when I got to hold your hands for the first time. Just magic.

I love you, Heather Clark. Sunshine.


Forever yours,
Chris


- [ ]