Ben,

It’s March 28, 2012 and we just had an amazing night fallowed by the biggest fight we’ve ever had; and I’m mad. I’m mad that you dont understand after I’ve told you, I’m mad that you didnt listen when I said I didnt want to talk because look what happened; things got said that should not have been said, and I’m mad you think the things you do, I’m just mad and the only way I know how to deal with it is to do this, to write you something. I suck at writing, I know and although you most likely wont read this if you ever do I know it will be painful because I cant write at all but whatever you can go through a little bit of pain and maybe you’ll understand.
Let’s start with me being mad because I said I wanted to go and you wouldnt drop it. I know I told you to push me, so I understand that part of what you did; but what I dont understand is why you didnt just stop. I shut you down numerous times, think about the past when I want to talk I only need once maybe twice of you asking. I dont shut you down and shut you down. I didnt want to talk about it, I dont want to talk about it. I’m not like you in that way, your a very open person and although I love it I also dont because I love how open you are about your feelings with me but you expect the same from me you expect me to talk about everything and thats just not who I am. I have never talked about my feelings with anyone, I bitch and I complain yes, but actually talk and get emotional, nope; It doesnt happen. I can count on my hands the amount of people outside of my family that have seen me cry about my actual feelings and not an injury. It’s been Aly, Nick, Vanessa, Suzie, Lizzie, Miranda, Justin, and you. Thats it. For a girl thats a pretty small list. Vanessa saw me cry because I did bad at a swim meet and my auntie got cancer. Aly, suzie, Lizzie, and Miranda have all seen me cry because of my mom and because of my auntie. Nick saw me cry because of my mom and my family. Justin saw me cry because of my dad once. You, you’ve seen me cry numerous times, and I hate that. But back to my point, you are a open person I am not. I keep things inside and I dont let them out, I see it as weakness; if you tell everyone all your secrets about what hurts you they have everything they need to hurt you; whereas if only you know then only you can hurt yourself. So next time I wont tell and wont tell think about it, and maybe give me some time; I might come around eventually but not then.
What else made me mad? oh yeah, you saying you dont understand. I know I’m a girl and guys for some reason think we are this magical thing that makes absolutely no sense, so I’m gonna help you out I’m going to give you a peak inside the female brain, or at least mine. Girls are not like boys in the fact that we just let things go, espcially me, I let things build up until I explode. You havent seen a full out explosion yet be happy about that. I think we could both agree that in my 16 years I’ve had to face a few less then awesome things, and a lot of these things I’m still dealing with, a lot of these things I’ve never gotten over; like that night, or the things nick used to say to me, or the fact that all the males I’ve had in my life have sucked and if they didnt well they left me. I dont think you realize what I’ve been through even within the past week. I went from somehow being sure I was pregnant - I still dont know how I thought that seeing as I am a virgin; it must have been a mixture of the lack of sleep and the late period - to getting my period and you being the happiest guy ever. I learned that you would want me to have an abortion if I was pregnant, which hurt me a lot because you know how much medical procedures scare me and you still would want that. Also because if we did have a child it would be ours and you say that you love me, but you wouldnt love it you would hate it because it would ruin your life, and in that sense I would ruin your life and you would hate me too. Obviously I am not pregnant and I never was but when I got my period I was sad and upset and you didnt even notice, or you didnt care one of the two. I was also suppossed to leave for westerns today, I was suppossed to go swim at my favorite competition of the year. I love swimming and thats all I want to be doing most of the time either swimming and having awesome practices with Teresa or being with you. Not only have I lost Teresa but I cant swim anymore that is how I get my frustrations out; and since ive gotten this stupid injury and I havent been able to swim full out I’ve been depressed. I cant do what I love anymore and I am not at all ready to give it up. Also, I found out officially when I got home that I dont have Thorasic Outlet Syndrome. I have and I quote: “Tendonitis linked with a neurological disorder” and “this will be very hard to diagnose and many tests will need to be run” great hey? now they dont know whats wrong with my shoulder, they dont know whats with my health, they dont know whats wrong with anything. And now I cant get in the water for even longer. Which is the worst news ever. And then there is what happened tonight, with the rachel thing. She might have been a bitch but she is pretty, not pretty actually thats not really true shes gorgeous. Your right when you said that I dont think I am as pretty as her because I dont. I think compared to her I need to do a lot to make myself look even slightly comparable. I wanted to see her because I wanted to know what i was up against at first like when i first tried to creep her but tonight i didnt want to i just wanted to make myself feel better but it didnt help it just made me feel more like shit. from what you had told me i assumed she was attractive but not that attractive. I thought i could find some things that i had that were better than her - i know that sounds horrible but thats the truth. anyway i dindnt find anything and it doesnt matter that i respect you more than she did because when you dated that did not bother you. you dated her for 8 months and in the end she broke up with you (im not trying to be mean) that tells me that the whole respect thing isnt a huge deal so then what do i have to offer other than respect ? to me it seems like nothing. thats why i feel like nothing; nothing compared to her and nothing compared to what i know you deserve.
The last thing that made me really mad and upset was your comment about me only dating you as a safe boyfriend. I want to let you know that not only is that completely untrue it is a false statment. If I only wanted to date you because you wouldnt hurt me I would have broke up with you along time ago because you have hurt me. You cant love someone without them hurting you; its goes hand in hand. when you love someone you are over sensitive to what they think and say so yes you have hurt me a lot because i love you i take everything you say in the worst way possible cause one of my worst fears is losing you. I’ve told you all of this before so for you to say that you must think that I am lying when i say I love you. I’m not. I told you I didnt want to hear you say I love you until you know that you do, and i did the same thing. I loved you long before you loved me, I can tell you that as a fact I know I did. but that doesnt matter; but i love you and it hurts me that you dont think I do. because I do. I used to think that I loved nick but i didnt not the way I love you and I thought that I made my feelings clear to you but i guess i didnt. I just would think that you wouold know how much i care about you after everything I’ve told you about my past (you know things that i would never dream of telling anyone) , after how many times I have hurt myself to try and make you happy, after how many novel long text messages I have sent you telling you my feelings. I thought you knew but it really feels like you dont and if you dont know well then i dont know why we are together.
I dont want to not be with you I love you even though you dont think I do. But after tonight and how things have gone over the past few months I dont know if we are such a good idea anymore. I’ve said it before and ill say it again now. we wan different things. I know your trying and I’m trying on my end to. but now that you dont know how i feel and you think i want you only for a safe boyfriend im starting to question whether or not we should even try anymore. I want to be with you, I love you nothing is going to change that and even though it will hurt me for us to be over maybe it is the best. I have obviously not been a good girlfriend if you think what you think. and im not interested in doing anything im bad at and i dont want you to have to waste your time with someone you think doesnt love you. The hard thing is though that i do love you and i cant imagine my life with out you but i dont want to stay together if things are going to stay like this.

Arden