i wasn't intending on writing this, but i felt like i should say something to you regarding everything.
i honestly believe you're right about how unhealthy this friendship is/was. we've both done fucked up shit, we've both done our fair share of stupid things.
that being said, though i was depressed as hell after what happened, you're not really a primary cause. (lots of other shit started happening in my life not too long after that, but we don't need to talk about that right now.) literally the only reason i continued to follow/have follow/ed you or emmet on any social media is because i like the content you two post.
i have no intentions of ever really 'getting back in touch' with either of you. the rose-colored glasses i viewed this friendship in are kinda gone and honestly??? if you even remotely decided to reconnect with me, i'd only hope you'd do it in like. maybe years from now. maybe 5 or 7 or a decade, maybe during a time when we've both forgotten about eachother.
i'm honestly kind of scared as i write this to you, but really this is just for closure's sake and so i can get a bunch of bullshit to you to hopefully clear stuff up. i know for sure that our friendship was far from perfect, and honestly i was kind of getting really upset/mad at you too; i was just too scared to really say anything because i don't like starting trouble and i didn't wanna risk hurting anything, but now it's kind of obvious how everything ended up.
i will say that if you blocked or banned me anywhere that it'd be a little bit overkill since i wasn't planning on talking to you, but i don't really care enough to go too deep into it.
i'll probably still be following you on twitter/etc because i still like the shit you post, and i still think you post nice things, but i honestly don't feel like i care about you as much as i used to; i think i was so eager to have a 'familial' bond with you because i'm just generally kind of a lonely bastard who's bad at starting conversations with people. i see/saw a lot of resemblances to how i was when i was younger, but i shouldn't have let it keep me from seeing things for how they really were.
i still won't really be using indigo too terribly much; i was only on there because there was a day or two when i wasn't home, and i didn't have much else to do on someone else's device. i'll likely make one more post on there before going back to ditching indigo again for another however the fuck long. (it's really easy to load, even when the internet's shit. who would've thought.)
i sincerely don't give enough of a fuck about your accounts or any shit like that to actually, truthfully bother turning into some stupid crazy stalker over them.
i'm glad i didn't invite lukas or re-invite judai (who, by the way, understands the problem with xenoblade 2 now that i explained it in layman's terms to him) or anyone else i really know to the useful group since in hindsight it's kinda like dodging a bullet.
i know stuff's probably seeming like it's worded out of order; i thought of half of this e-mail while i couldn't remember your e-mail addresses. that's not important.
the point is, i don't really give very much of a fuck about you these days. i care about your health, i care about your wellbeing, i'd be deeply heartbroken if anything happened to you, but if you asked me to come back to the useful group or actually speak with you again or anything like that, i'd probably be really really hesitant or just not do it.
i know i said i wouldn't leave, but now i'm just kind of seeing everything from a different perspective since the other way around kind of happened. i don't regret meeting you, i don't regret any of the positive memories that've been made in that server, but i know nothing like that's really gonna happen between us again. i regret letting anyone there hear my voice, and i regret letting myself open up as much as i have to you. i regret ever telling you any kinds of secrets or any sorts of personal feelings. i regret almost everything else i've done with you guys.
i'd say other things i regret about this, but honestly i didn't come here to vent. i just wanted to send one last thing so i get my thoughts in.
it's very mature of you to end things the way you have, and i understand that it may be hard to let people go (even though i don't think it was especially hard to let me go, or anything.) but please know that i wasn't totally being depressed or intentionally self-deprecating that day. i was just being honest; i'm aware that i'm not the best person. everyone in the world has flaws, but i sincerely want nothing more than to get better. that's why i always ask people to let me know if i ever fuck anything up; because sometimes (or often times) i can be too dense to see what i did wrong.
i'm sorry if stuff doesn't totally make sense in this e-mail. i know i'm kind of shit at wording stuff, trust me. i just hope you understand everything.
i don't hate you, but i definitely wouldn't mind keeping my distance from you.
i might yeah or like a Funney Meme Post Heeheehoohoo : )))) but i don't plan on actually talking to you after this.
all i want to know right now is what you told emmet about me, and honestly you could just send that in a reply so i'll have the closure of knowing you read this.
(...and speaking of emmet, tell him i'm sorry for accidentally following zero on twitter; i was literally just following recommended blogs (most of which were megaman-related and gunk like that because i've been following a lot of art blogs lately) at mach-speed because i wanted more activity on my feed; i didn't realize it was that scumbag until a day later and unfollowed/blocked him.)
i sincerely hope for nothing but the best for you; i hope your life gets better, i hope you get everything you want, and ultimately i hope you can be legitimately happy someday. you really deserve it.
have a good night, bonnie. try and reply soon with what i asked for; if i reply to it, it'd just be so you'd know the internet didn't just eat it. i'd probably post some dumb anecdote or a lenny, or something little like that.
(i keep feeling nervous like i'm forgetting something, but uh. let me know if i did. sorry.)
have a nice life, bolton. i'm sorry things ended the way they did. i hope this email cleared something up for you instead of just completely wasting your time.