Waiter, please bring me something i’ve never had before,
Will to live,

Girl, i like a guy that uses toys during sex,
Me, rolls hot wheels car across tittie,

Man eats steak in front of feminist vegan,
I once got kicked out of the library for putting a women’s rights book in the fiction section,
Woah a legend,

Me, gets coffee at shop and change is 69 cents, mutters nice under breath,
Girl in line behind me, also mutters nice,
Me,
Did you just understand me,

When you’re taking acid at the family reunion and your mom calls you a failure,
Excuse me, i i think the word you’re searching for is space ranger,

Go ahead, make a wish,
I wish that i’ll be alive for my next birthday,
Honey, if you say it outloud it won’t come true,
I know,

Me, can i use the toilet,
Teacher, why didn’t you use the toilet at break,
Toilet at break,

Man invents edible water that looks like sweets to keep dementia patients hydrated,
Everyone liked that,

Naughty kids, coal, santa,
C o 2, naughty kids, north pole,

My dad, why do you get so freaking mad after you lose a gaming match,
Also my dad after his football team loses,

Internet users, i’m going to jump,
Bing, do a flip,

If you can produce a sound louder than 1100 d b, you can create a black hole strong enough to destroy the entire galaxy,
Me screaming, my dad, my mom,

Me, how to earn money,
Google,
Bing,

Americans when the trees start speaking vietnamese,
Russians when the snow starts speaking finnish,
French when the belgian border starts speaking german,
Weebs when the anime characters start speaking english,

Raid blizzcon 2019 as winnie the pooh, they can’t ban us all,

When you wake up at 6 58 and your alarm rings at 7,
Shut the frick up,

13 year old when their parents leave the house for 0.001 seconds,

If you can produce a sound louder than 1100 d b, you can create a black hole strong enough to destroy the entire galaxy,
The microwave at 3 a m,
Are you challenging me,

Today i learned men can be allergic to their own semen, which can be remedied by desensitizing them to it via repeated injections of small diluted doses of it under their skin,
Imagine a doctor telling you you’ve been prescribed cum injections,
Call that a cum shot,

A woman doesn’t have to have a baby if she doesn’t want to,
Well, i say a man’s entitled to have a baby if he wants to,
Ahahahahha well,
Mister grant, on behalf of women everywhere, let me say we’d sure like to be there when he has it,
She is taking none of your sexist, entitled crap today,

I still think you gotta be on some voodoo crap to work one of these frickers,
play/pause, volume up/down, next/back, what’s hard to understand about these controls,
Burn the witch,

 So, i’ve made a kirby artisan keycap,
I had to post this because i’m losing my mind over square kirby,
It’s called keyby and it has feet that it can stand with,
Absolutely wonderful,

These anime girls really be like, o m g i’m 50.1 k g i have to diet, like dang beach you tryna be ambidextrous or somethin,
That feeling when you ate too much and can’t write with your left hand,

Steve carell, john stewart and stephen colbert, how men would look if they had to pose in ads that way women are expected to,
Yeah definitely deserves a place on my blog,
I’m so glad i woke up this morning,
O m g,

For my next stunt, i’ll wake up at 5 a m on the day i can sleep in,
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,
Early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive beach,

Being alone on a space station,
Pros, no one talks to you about fantasy football,
Cons, tinder matches are all alien,
That’s only a con if you’re a coward,

Why this beach throwing butterflies in that bong,
Takes a big as rip off elefun the elephants while my lungs get shredded by plastic butterflies,

How to be seductive,
Head tilt,
Hooded eyes,
Raised eyebrow,
Little smirk,
How to be evil,
Head tilt,
Hooded eyes,
Raised eyebrows,
Little smirk,
Do you see the problem,
This might win for favorite addition to my post,

I speak spanish let me translate,

Where’s that pic of the dog who looks like an egg, this is important,
Here you go,
Not the right dog,
I’ve changed my mind actually, i am learning to love this dog,

I love my dog, if i ever cry, he collects up dirty socks and brings them to me,
They’re his favorite thing in the world and they make him happy, so they’ll makes me happy too, he’s a good boy,
We do not deserve dogs,

It was dark and i turned the porch light on,
Turn it back off, this is a private display, not meant for your eyes,

Sharpay diem, a latin term meaning to bop bop bop bop to the top,
It also means to slip and slide and ride that rhythm,

Summer looks,
This post is ruining my life,
Koalaty content,

This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,
Maybe so, but my heart certainly is,
Pardner,

Come a little closer,
It’s an add for frickin funeral services,

There was a song written in the 1630s that was performed only in the sistine chapel,
The vatican kept the composition of the piece secret 150 years until the 14 year old mozart listened to the piece twice, transcribed it from memory, and produced the first unauthorized copy of the song,
He was the bootlegger,
Will metallica be suing him too,

Since man can’t judge me and i don’t fear god i’ve decided to start playing harmonica on my commute,

When you have to leave one of your day dream universes and actually interact with people,
See ya later, figments of my imagination,

Soup should be a human right, in the heart of every town there should be a big pot of soup and you can help yourself, and if anybody meddles with the soup, well, the answer should be obvious,

Talk about conspiracies,
Speak madness,
Whine about life,
My 3 modes of conversation,

I bought 46 doughnuts at the store today,
If each pack has 12 doughnuts, wouldn’t it be 48 doughnuts,
I have 3 packs of 12 and 1 pack of 10 because they were all out of twelves, i know how to count my doughnuts son,

This is my grasp of how football works,
Two teams of men want the ball very badly but are incapable of sharing it, one team attempts to deliver the ball to their holy ground while the other attempts to prevent this,
Occasionally an evil man will appear and speak curses to the men, causing them grief and dishonor,

Nope, cold, habitable zone, no, satan;s armpit,
Death, death, death,
A 100% accurate map of north america as drawn by a canadian,

Hanging out the passengers side of his best friend’s ride,
Trying to holla at me,

Me, alright, brain, we have two more tasks to do,
One of them is more time sensitive, but working on the other will be more fun, which should i start on,
My brain, do nothing for 72 hours,
Me, understandable, have a nice day,

My aunt took her indoor cat outside for the first time,
O m g,

Do bananas float,
Yes, yes they do,
Thank you,
That is a really nice photograph of that floating banana,

Naked fruit,
I feel like i wasn’t supposed to see this,
Don’t jerk off to this,
Too late,

My professor is scar from the lion king,
Explain,
Pushes me over the edge,

Save me obi wan,

Seems like disney is using the same guy from the graphics department,
Dark phoenix, star wars the force awakens, aladdin,
I dead as thought this was 3 star wars movies,

Betty white is literally older than sliced bread, otto frederick rohwedder invented sliced bread in 1928, while betty white was born in 1922,
Sliced bread is the greatest thing since betty white,

Country roads take me home,
Lead the way boys,

Ronda city, spain,
Amazing,
Frick off people fricking live here in paradise and i can’t even wash my clothes without questioning the stains on the couch at the laundromat,
This place is like a movie,

Imagine using this shampoo in the shower and staring at shrek’s hazel eyes as he watches you in the nude,

Man, 24 fined for pretending to be ghost by making wooooh noises and waving his arms about in cemetary,
And i would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your talking dog,

Frankly, i find the whole dating thing to be overrated, who would subject themselves to that,
Those of us who can actually get dates,
The joke’s on both of you,
You end up dating each other,