Hebi-chanToday at 9:25 PM
You're destroying yourself and it hurts a lot and I've found a lot of people who feel the same recently. You might not realize it but there are people who genuinely care about you. Lexi and keith have asked about you tons, Samu, if you remember her, was concerned for you...same with riley.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:30 PM
what do i do
i constantly feel
poisonous and detrimental
especially when i inconvenience or burden people like i did at the board game night
others might forgive but
im
i feel incapable of letting myself live those things down
no matter how much it might seem okay
every time i talk to a person ive slighted
it just brings back every single time i have done something wrong
its a constant flood of guilt that my own head doesnt seem able to stop
ive seen therapists and two just
gave up on me
called me untreatable
Hebi-chanToday at 9:34 PM
because...when you get to your home, you're constantly reminded of your failures. You get yourself involved with too many people and, it's like I said, you can't help anyone when you aren't healthy. The guilt you feel isn't the cause of why you can't deal with people, its another symptom.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:36 PM
then what am i supposed to do
Hebi-chanToday at 9:41 PM
You need to take that time you wanted, and instead of using it to try and destress by closing yourself off, you need to be proactive about your own problems. That's hard, and I know its hard and I know there's a really good chance I can't get through to you with this, but you need to take inventory of everything that is hurting you personally, not people around you, not what you're doing to other people, and you need to figure out how to deal with it personally. If that means you need a place to stay, I'm offering, if that means you find some other way out of all this, that's fine too. But, how you've been just...not confronting anything that's in front of you that's affecting YOU, that's the root of all this.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:45 PM
does it really seem like ive done nothing to confront or attempt to fix the problems
do i
really look that oblivious
Hebi-chanToday at 9:45 PM
No. I don't think you're oblivious at all. I think you're anxious.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:46 PM
every attempt is met with even worse pain
and far before beth
this sort of thing was built up from absolute years of abandonment
its
not easily fixed
its not even close to easy to do so much as bring it up without
aggression and backlash and pain
Hebi-chanToday at 9:48 PM
No, of course it isn't easy, otherwise you would have fixed it already.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:49 PM
its not just not easy
it can be damn near impossible at times
i spent nearly all last night in tears
Hebi-chanToday at 9:49 PM
But, a comfortable misery and a misery you've fallen into after fighting to tr and be happy are both misery, but only one has any potential of changing.
I know you're scared of losing everything, and i kow you're scared of hurting more... but you're throwing away the things I've seen make you genuinely happy yourself here.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:51 PM
its not only the fear
do you know how difficult it is to fight that absolute paranoia
it feels like im fighting some massive beast
but it knows everything i would try against it
that paranoid just
infects everything with doubt
until im stuck gaslighting myself into the worst possible truths
like being absolutely convinced that lexi despised me and wanted me nowhere near after that night
Hebi-chanToday at 9:53 PM
I mean, I've convinced myself of the same thing dozens of times, I've been there, that's why I'm even attempting to talk abou this.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:54 PM
do you know how hard it is to be so completely aware of it too
to be all too aware of the impossible irrationality
and still be helpless to feel any different despite knowing better from years of observation
Hebi-chanToday at 9:54 PM
Like...yeah i know exactly what paranoia that everyone hates me feels like, that I'm not fitting some standard no one bothered to tell me about, and have every rotten thing I messed up come back to haunt me even when no one else brought it up.
PrincessPixelToday at 9:56 PM
then you know how much it hurts to be told
"you havent fixed enough"
Hebi-chanToday at 9:58 PM
I know how much it hurts...but I also know how much it's true. I didn't confront my problems, I did run away from everything...and starting to go out into the world, and make progress on those things is what began to build my self confidence back...and lexi was really stern with me and hurt me a lot toget me there.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:03 PM
i dont want it back
i want to just be
done
i have tried so many people and so many communities and so many hobbies and skills and so many different headspaces and coping mechanisms and
nothing fucking works
i dont feel worth it
even to myself
Hebi-chanToday at 10:07 PM
then go self admit yourself to a mental hospital and be done. Just go, quit. No one can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:07 PM
done that once already
it didnt help
and just
every day made those thoughts worse
i stopped showing and started lying to just to get out and stop hurting
next time i will just choose a bridge
those dont work
they just make you suppress it harder
Hebi-chanToday at 10:11 PM
didnt say that they would help you be happy, but they would let you quit
PrincessPixelToday at 10:12 PM
sorry for misunderstanding
do you hate me
Hebi-chanToday at 10:14 PM
no
I'm just frustrated because I can't do anything more for you.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:15 PM
but i hurt you
and your friends
you can
please
please help me
i just
want the guilt to stop
the paranoia breeds in silence
from not knowing
so please just
tell me things are okay
that lexi and keith dont hate me or want me never near you
or that chiaki is just leaving for my sake and not because i hurt her too much to be around
please just
save me from these
these lies my head keeps telling me
because i cant trust myself anymore
i dont trust in anything i have to help
because it could just be more lies
Hebi-chanToday at 10:17 PM
Things are...complicated. I have strained feelings towards you right now, but its not because I hate you, its because I don't trust you.And understand those are very different things. I don't think you're a bad person, but I think you are compulsed by your current state of mind to be very drutrating to deal with. I really want you to be okay, because you made me feel so amazing, but I don't know what to do.
Lexi and keith keep asking me to invite you over again and I'm just never sure if just asking you would hurt you more.
or if things would stress you out again and make you even worse off
Chiaki said she wanted to give you space to "do youtr thing" and didn't want to mess up things for you
I don't know how to both let you be away and alone and keep telling you things are okay because no one I know specifically hates you
PrincessPixelToday at 10:21 PM
oh
im
sorry for asking that of you
it wasnt okay
ssorry
iim isorryfor
bBreakinguour Ty trust t
imaosd
ins s
sodrruy
Hebi-chanToday at 10:23 PM
everyone I've talked to said somevariant of the same thing
I like pixel, she seems really nice, but I don't know how to help her
everyone likes you that ive talked to, even if I had no idea they knew you
Even freaking blitz
Some also said I should probably stop dealing with you for my own mental health, but I'm pretty stubborn
PrincessPixelToday at 10:27 PM
ioh
Hebi-chanToday at 10:29 PM
that's what people think
on other things, people think that beth is actively making problems you already normally had worse, that's a pretty huge consensus among those I've talked to, they said you weren't nearly as bad before that, I know you say otherwise, but that's just people's perception of you.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:39 PM
what do you want most claire
if the how was just
solved
what would you want
Hebi-chanToday at 10:42 PM
I'd want a good dom girlfriend who was there for me, I'd want to be able to go to school without having to worry about holding down part time work at all and to be able to breed snakes for an extra money I wanted.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:43 PM
youve been worrying way too much about me
people were right
ive been bad for your mental health
let me be something positive instead
i can be that person for you
Hebi-chanToday at 10:51 PM
I really, really want that., and it pains me to doubt you... but even if I go back to priasing you every day and giving you a lot...won't you fall back here again with how things are right now?
PrincessPixelToday at 10:51 PM
i wont let it show or affect my actions
and maybe the faking will start to feel real
im not going to lie to you
i cant really get rid of this
i will probably still be torn up by it inside
but im hoping
that having composure again
even just fake confidence
will give me enough to keep out of risk
youre right to doubt
Hebi-chanToday at 10:55 PM
You are free to come overagain, by the way, I've sort of lied to lexi and keith about how bad things had ggotten so... they are none the wiser, and I know, at least partially, it's helped you a bit...even if Beth tendws to erase it all.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:55 PM
im dissociating and all of this has just stopped feeling meaningful
Hebi-chanToday at 10:55 PM
yeah
PrincessPixelToday at 10:56 PM
youre not going to trust me again
Hebi-chanToday at 10:56 PM
I mean, as much as I am in favor of you trying to fake things to feel better, I'm in the twice bitten once shy phase here.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:56 PM
and ive kind of accepted that
ive played the trust gain game before
they never actually trust me again
so i think ive just
Hebi-chanToday at 10:57 PM
It's hard, as much as I want to.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:57 PM
stopped caring
and accepted youre going to doubt me no matter what i do
Hebi-chanToday at 10:57 PM
You're fighting against the tide of my own anxieties at that point.
PrincessPixelToday at 10:58 PM
im not even fighting anymore
i dont care
i feel numb
i feel absolutely inconsequential no matter what method i try
so i might as well just be honest about how nothings getting better
im not even here
my head is pounding full of white noise
the words im saying are some garbled mess of unhealthy hurtful thoughts
and i dont even feel
bad
i just feel like it doesnt matter
and i know im going to be a guiltridden mess for this later
Hebi-chanToday at 11:01 PM
That's one way to cope I suppose
PrincessPixelToday at 11:01 PM
its not coping
its just another step on the self destruct five cycle
i dont even want to move
i should go inside but im just sitting in my car
Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
You've been in your car this whole time?
PrincessPixelToday at 11:02 PM
was driving home a bit ago
Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
ah
PrincessPixelToday at 11:02 PM
my head hurts
Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
sre you just feeling alienated from the house?
PrincessPixelToday at 11:03 PM
pretty sure i feel that about literally everywhere
digital or physical
i dont belong anywhere claire
i never did
growing up i was a waste of space
waste of money
waste of time
waste of effort
to parents
to achool
to friends
to college
to jobs
to everyone
i am time better spent elsewhere
i dont belong with guys
or girls
or even the people in between
i dont belong with geeks
or kinksters
or even just people at all
i dont belong
and every time i get hope that i do
something happens to dash it all worse off than before
you want to talk about fear
about twice bitten
ive become jaded
from how many times ive been through this
ive stopped hoping
that things would be different
i feel
wrong
Hebi-chanToday at 11:11 PM
What are you hoping would be different? How you felt? Cause no one in the world but you controls that. To your own admission, its your own stress and guilt that pushes you away from people. If you set things up the same, there's no hope for anything to be different.
PrincessPixelToday at 11:11 PM
i dont set them up the same
i dont know what im saying anymore
i tried to ask and even fucking beg for help with fighting that guilt and doubt and got told im not trusted instead
Hebi-chanToday at 11:15 PM
Do you want me to lie? If you know you've hurt me, then accept that. But, if you don't want to be told I can't trust you anymore, I'm not the right person to ask. I have that bias. Don't fight your guilt. Accept you've been wrong and try to move past it. but of all things you've asked of me, you've always asked me to be honest with you. And I am. I don not hate you, but I do not trust you.
I can't stop feeling that way just because you want help.
PrincessPixelToday at 11:16 PM
i didnt ask you to stop feeling it
im saying that i was desperately trying to put my guilt aside and ask for help without feeling selfish for it
i opened up and begged
and the response was
that
Hebi-chanToday at 11:17 PM
I don't klnow how to help you Erika.