rinse and repeat

take as much money out of an atm as possible.
buy an amazon gift card and a tiny black and white composition notebook with some of that cash.
using a vpn, download the Tor browser.
using Tor, go to a burner email account creation site like emailondeck.com to generate an email address.
make sure to copy paste the recovery token somewhere safe so that you can log back in later.
using your burner email address, make an amazon.com account using a fake name, address and phone number.
buy one or two bitcoin hardware wallets like a trezor or a ledger nano s using the amazon gift card you purchased with cash and ship the items to an amazon locker of your choice.

pickup your package from the Amazon locker.
plan to do this on a rainy day, masking your face with the drawn hood of your raincoat.
wear sunglasses.  if you have a beard, consider shaving it.

***

Alternatively, you might think about planning this around Halloween.
wear in a costume that completely obscures your identity when heading to the amazon locker to pick up your items.

Consider scouting out potential amazon lockers in order to chose one without cameras.
Even if the amazon locker you choose doesn't have cameras, wear the costume all the same,
as there may be cameras across the street.

***
once you are home from the amazon locker, setup your hardware wallet.
make sure to stash your pin and recovery seed somewhere safe and in handwritten form only.
do not underestimate the power of keyloggers and malware designed to take screenshots of your computer screen.

never keep a digital copy of your pin or recovery seed and furthermore, never type them on your screen.

dont get phished.

always scrutinize a website to make sure it's secure.
remember that a lowercase L can look exactly like an uppercase I in the url.

***

copy down some of the wallet addresses into the tiny black and white composition notebook you purchased with cash and bring it with you to your nearest bitcoin atm.  deposit all your remaining cash into the bitcoin atm and send the bitcoins to the addresses you copied down into your black composition notebook.

Keep your hardware wallet safe.
consider buying a safe, or a deception safe in the shape of a book or a bottle of AJAX housecleaner.
Rinse and repeat.  You now have clean bitcoins divorced of You.

if you lose your private key or recovery seed, you will lose all your money.

***

If you currently own cryptocurrency or tokens, but you bought them on an exchange where you were required to verify your account by linking it to your actual, tax-paying self, or you fear that your current wallets could easily be linked to you through rudimentary blockchain forensic analysis, here is how to launder your existing holdings.

Using a vpn, using Tor, go to shapeshift.io and send your bitcoin to an ethereum address.  send the ethereum to a litecoin address.  send the litecoin to a Monero address.

At this point you can stop and turn it back into bitcoin (sending it to your "clean" hardware wallet addresses), but for additional piece of mind you might consider sending the Monero to a dogecoin address.  then send the dogecoin to a basic attention token address.  then send the basic attention token to a zcash address.  then send the zcash to a gnosis address.

send the gnosis to a funfair address.
send the funfair to a gamecredits address.

then send the gamecredits to an ether classic address.
send the ether classic to a tenX address.

Send the tenX to a Potcoin address.
Send the potcoin to a status address.

send the status to a reddcoin address.
send the reddcoin to a golem address.
send the golem to a waves address.
send the waves to a LBRY Credits address.

Then send the LBRY Credits to a ripple address.
Send the ripple to a monero address.

Now you can send the monero to a bitcoin address on your "clean" hardware wallet.

you have almost certainly paid far too much in exchange fees but honestly what is the price of economic freedom?
Your holdings are now untraceable and you are free from the burden of capital gains tax.

Years from now, if the US Dollar still exists and you wish to cash out on your gains (ideally in about ten to twenty years) maybe to purchase land, a ship, or an estate,

go to a bitcoin atm and withdraw the maximum limit in USD.

This process may take days or weeks, potentially months, depending on the future price of bitcoin.

When you have drained the atm of all of its USD, move on to the next closest bitcoin atm.
Be careful carrying that much cash around.  Again, wear a costume to obscure your identity.

Enjoy your new boat.  If the IRS asks, describe your newfound wealth as a happy accident.
Mistakes happen & it is 100% plausible for someone to have sent their bitcoins to the wrong address.
That is your story. That is the story of your new boat.  Happy global warming.