kayleeLast Saturday at 3:05 PM
it was sort of mean but that’s fine
what did Kyouko say?
but besides that
my head is kind of clear right now
so
I’m sorry for being selfish and mostly leaving you in the dark for the better part of a month
I process things really slowly and it takes me a long time to come to most decisions
this one was very important to me so I wanted to amply think everything over
if I leave you, I know I’ll be ungodly jealous the second you’re with someone else, and I’ll have a hard time talking to you at that point
regardless of everything, you’re probably my best friend. up there with Pat.
I don’t want animosity or to lose you as a part of my life but I really have to do what’s best for me
from everything I’ve heard from other people, you haven’t really taken the break as an impetus to try and curb bad habits or work on your mental healthy
just more distractions and substances
I’m honestly horrified that if I’m not around to encourage you that you’ll keep up the drinking and smoking and end up dropping out of school and then you’d have to go back to Whitehorse and I know that’d probably ruin you
the high parts of being with you were probably some of the happiest moments of my life thus far, but the low parts were also literally some of the lowest. There were times I felt like I was 16 and on the verge of suicide again.
I can’t really imagine being with someone else and I don’t really think I want to be with anyone else but the way that you are now you are unhealthy for me
I know I’ve made mistakes, I sure as hell ain’t perfect, but I didn’t cheat on you. I never legitimately made you worry for my life. I didn’t invite friends over and not really tell you what we were up to.
I don’t think things can be just a “break” right now
I’m not magical, I can’t fix everything for you, even if I come back
You really, really need to want it for yourself
To be better
You constantly try and correct your bad behaviors, which is good, that’s a good step
But I don’t think you’ve yet to address the causes of those issues and grappled with them in your own head
If you’re incapable of it, you need to seriously let a therapist dig into them with you and help you process things. Only way to do that is to be 100% honest with them about everything that goes on in your head and in your apartment.
I’m rambling a bit but
I really do love you, I want the best for you
I tried my absolute hardest to try and help
I think leaving will be one of the largest regrets of my life if I have to watch you be healthy and successful with someone else
I’d rather see that than watch you be miserable over me while I’m indecisive
All of my emotions tell me to stay with you, but I’d probably end up cutting again or worse if I kept feeling like I was feeling
So I’ve got to listen to my rational self-care side for once when it comes to you
Yeah
You kept telling me to give you an answer so you could decide whether to immediately go fuck someone else and replace me, or wait for me
I feel like if you really wanted to wait, I wouldn’t have to give you an answer
So go enjoy other people I guess
I’ll probably be pretty silent for a while
I’m not good with jealousy and I will be jealous
You’re mine in my head, even if you haven’t been for a long time in reality
and please don’t go around telling people I cheated on you or mistreated you Taylor. you know me. you know I didn’t do either of those things.
I’m not perfect but I tried harder for you than I’ve tried for anyone in my life.
Debt, emotional distress, scars, potentially my old job, some friend ships. I sacrificed a lot because I wanted what was best for you/us. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat too.
My thoughts are becoming more disjointed as I try to communicate them, so I apologize for that
Anyway
It’s not a break anymore at this point
Maybe it’ll be a really long one, because if you can genuinely get yourself to a healthy mental state I would fucking kill to be with you and see it
But I don’t foresee you being stuck on me for more than maybe a month
I do love you
I want you to be happy and finish school and get to make music and cool audio for something you’re passionate about
Please do your best to do all of those things
and please don’t do anything stupid or cut me off
I’ll always be here if you need me
Just give me a little to recover
This break hasn’t been easy on me by any means
I’ve been breaking down at least once a day
I’ve been trying to distract myself but boy is it hard :)
So yeah
That’s it I guess
Respond whenever you can
Sober please