Hordes: Devastation fluff abridged

*YOU'VE READ PLENTY (OKAY TWO) ABRIDGED STORIES BUT ARE YOU READY FOR A COLD OPEN ON DOOMSHAPER POKEYMANING THE GLACIER KINGS?*

DOOMSHAPER: GODDAMN FUCKFACE CATCH RATE 3, FUCKING DAMNIT

*THE GLACIER KING HAS BEEN CAUGHT AFTER FIFTEEN THOUSAND ULTRA BALLS*

*DUN DUN DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH*

DOOMSHAPER: FUCKING FINALLY TIME TO CHECK THE EVS ER I MEAN STATS

...

MAT 5 FUCK DHUNIA IN HER BIG FAT HORSECU-

*HORDES: DEVASTATION THE ABRIDGED FLUFF BY ANON*

*BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER C, THE "SIEGE ANIMANTARAX IS ACTUALLY USABLE NOW, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN IS A LIE", AND THE DEAD TRENCHER IN EVERY OTHER UNIT PROFILE PICTURE BECAUSE IT'S NOT CYGNAR IF THEY AREN'T BEING JOBBERS EVEN IN A HORDES BOOK*

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: DOOMSHAPER YOUR SINGLE-MINDED AND SOCIOPATHIC DESIRE TO LEAD THE TROLLKIN INTO A WAR OF ANNIHILATION AGAINST HIGHLY INDUSTRIALIZED NATIONS WITH SIGNIFICATNLY GREATER RESOURCES AND ARMIES LARGER THAN OUR SPECIES' POPULATION SEVERAL TIMES OVER IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL

DOOMSHAPER: AW THANKS

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: SINCE WE HAVE TO FEED THE GLACIER KINGS AFTER THEIR MILENNIA OF SLUMBER HOW ABOUT HAVING THEM FEED ON THIS TINY KHADORAN LOGGING VILLAGE THOSE GUYS ARE DICKS

DOOMSHAPER: SURE

OLD WITCH: *BAMF* NYET

DOOMSHAPER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SHOULDN'T YOU BE OFF SOMEWHERE CIRCLEJERKING WITH THAT FUCKING TREE* ABOUT YOUR XANATOS SPEED CHESS BULLSHIT

[*SEE HORDES EXIGENCE ABRIDGED]

OLD WITCH: YOU VILL NOT BE MAKING THE RAPINGS OF VITTLE VILLAGE AS BABA YAGA EXPY IZ MY JOB

ALSO TREE OF JERKING VILL BE UNLEASHING DEVOURER VURM UPON SOUTHERN PUSSY CHIEFTAN AND FRIENDS SPOILER ALERT

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: WHAT'S A "PUSSY"

DOOMSHAPER: SHE MEANS "A MADRAK IRONHIDE"

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: OH

DOOMSHAPER: ANYWAY YOU APPEAR TO HAVE MISTAKEN ME FOR A BALD RETARDED FART-SNIFFING DRUID SO GTFO

OLD WITCH: VERY WELL YOU VILL BE SUPER SORRY *BAMF*

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: SHOULD WE REALLY BE RISKING THE IRE OF A MANIFESTATION OF THE SOUL OF KHADOR THAT WALKED THE EARTH WHEN OUR ANCESTORS WERE YOUNG

DOOMSHAPER: PFFT WHATEVER

*MEANWHILE KROMAC IS MEETING WITH WURMWOOD TO DISCUSS THE HOLES IN HIS KAYFABE*

CASSIUS: WHAT'S UP JOBBER

KROMAC: WHY ARE WE MEETING AT THE TOP OF THIS FUCKING MOUNTAIN

CASSIUS: BECAUSE CONVERGENCES AND LEY LINES AND CONJUNCTIONS AND SHIT ANYWAY IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU GET RATHROK FROM MADRAK IRONHIDE BECAUSE PROPHECIES

KROMAC: I WILL NOT FAIL AGAIN I WILL RIP THE AXE FROM IRONHIDE'S HANDS AND THEN THE HEART FROM HIS CHEST AND THEN THE BALLS FROM BETWIXT HIS LEGS

CASSIUS: GOOD LUCK FINDING THE LAST ONES ANYWAY GO GET IT TIME FOR SOME RAVENLOFT BULLSHIT

*THERE'S A BUNCH OF SPOOKY MIST AND KROMAC GETS TELEPORTED TO A NARRATIVELY CONVENIENT LOCATION*

*SPEAKING OF BEING TELEPORTED FOR THE SAKE OF NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE I WONDER WHAT MADRAK IS UP TO*

KARGESS: SURPRISE YOU HAVE A SON

MADRAK: WAIT WE HAD SEX

KARGESS: YEAH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER AND NOW MY FRIENDS WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN

*AND THEN THERE'S 2-3 PAGES OF MADRAK BEING EMO ABOUT HOW TAKING UP AN ANCIENT CURSED AXE THAT OOZES MALEVOLENCE AND THIRSTS FOR SLAUGHTER WAS A BAD IDEA MOPE PISS WHINE*

*LET'S GO BACK TO A TROLLKIN LEADER WHO'S TOO FAR UP HIS OWN ASS TO HAVE ANY DOUBTS*

DOOMSHAPER: HAHAHAHAHAHA WE'RE TOTALLY PUSHING YOUR SHIT IN

KHADORANS: FUCKING GOVNOHUI

OLD WITCH: *BAMF* OH ZAT IZ IT

NOW I VILL DO VAT I WAZ GOING TO DO ANYWAY

*SUDDENLY A MURDER OF CROWS ALL UP IN THIS BITCH*

DOOMSHAPER: NOT THE BIRDS

*A WHOLE BUNCH OF CROWS SURROUND DOOMSHAPER, MULG, AND THE GLACIER KINGS AS THE OLD WITCH EMPLOYS THE POWER OF BIRD TELEPORTATION (YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY)*

OLD WITCH: HA WHEN YOU SHOW UP AT JUST ZE RIGHT MOMENT TO SAVE THE DAY YOU WILL BE MAD IN THE BUTTS

NORTHERN TROLLKIN: UH WHAT ABOUT US

OLD WITCH: SILLY CYKA PLOT ARMOR IZ FOR CHARACTERS WITH NAMES

*AND THEN THE OLD WITCH FEATS AND EATS THEIR SOULS YAY*

*AND NOW BACK TO THE BLOODSTONE MARCHES WHERE CALABAN AND DR. ARKADIUS ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH THEIR BOSSES SUCK ASS*

CALABAN: MY BOSS WANTS TO FEED ON THE SOULS OF THE DEAD AND DYING TO BECOME A NIHILISTIC GOD OF DEATH

ARKADIUS: MY BOSS HAS DONE NOTHING BUT ASK ME ABOUT "HOW TO FIND THE CLITORIS" FOR THE ENTIRE MARCH HERE

CALABAN: WELL SHIT I GUESS YOU WIN

ANYWAY THIS SHIT IS BANANAS AND IF YOU CAN GET SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE TO SHOVE A PIG IRON (I DON'T GET IT) UP BARNABAS' SUNSHINE HOLE I'LL TAKE OVER AND LEAD MY PEOPLE AWAY FROM THIS KOSSK-FORSAKEN PISSHOLE

ARKADIUS: HOW WOULD I DO THAT

CALABAN: YOU WORK FOR A GUY WHO THINKS THAT THE LADDER THEORY IS A LEGITIMATE THING I'LL LET YOU FIGURE IT OUT ALSO MAELOK ARE YOU LISTENING

MAELOK: ...

CALABAN: DON'T TELL BARNABAS ABOUT THIS OR I'M GOING TO GET FISHERMAN'S WIFED BY A SWAMP HORROR BUT THEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE A POWERFUL BOKOR SOUL SLAVE I STABBED IN THE BACK AND OF COURSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU MIGHT BE USING YOUR POWER TO SLOWLY UNDO MY CONTROL OVER YOU RIGHT

MAELOK: ...

CALABAN: RIGHT GOOD TALK

*MEANWHILE LET'S CHECK UP ON MORDIKAAR WHO YOU MAY OR MAY NOT REMEMBER WAS TELEPORTED TO THE ASS END OF THE BLOODSTONE DESERT ALONE AT THE END OF HORDES: DOMINATION*

*WELL MORDIKAAR HOW ARE THINGS*

MORDIKAAR: THIS SUCKS BEAVIS

*NEAT*

MORDIKAAR: ALSO THE VOID PORTAL THAT FOLLOWS ME AROUND IS STARTING TO SHIFT AND POINT TO THE NORTHWEST AND THE VOID SPIRITS ARE STARTING TO GET EVEN ANGRIER I WONDER IF I SHOULD RETURN TO MAKEDA AND TAKE UP MY DUTIES WITH THE ARMY OR FUCK OFF ON MY OWN AND DELVE INTO THINGS SKORNE WERE NOT MEANT TO KNOW

DESPOILER: RAWR

MORDIKAAR: I AGREE LET'S FOLLOW THE SIGNS OF THE SCREAMING HELLPORTAL AND SEE WHERE IT LEADS WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

*AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON CALANDRA IS CONSULTING THE AUGURIES TO FIND A SOLUTION TO THE INHERENT PROBLEM OF THE TROLLKIN BUILDING KRIEL KICKASS IN THE MIDDLE OF BUGFUCK NOWHERE WITH NO ACTUAL FOOD WHILE UTILIZING AS WEAPONS THE PRIMAL EMBODIMENTS OF INSATIABLE HUNGER*

JANISSA: HEY CALANDRA WHAT DO THE SIGNS SAY

CALANDRA: THEY KEEP COMING BACK WITH "YOU'RE FUCKING RETARDED"

JANISSA: I DON'T GET IT

CALANDRA: ME EITHER

WAIT NOW THEY'RE SAYING "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET GANGBANGED LIKE A JAPANESE AV STARLET"

JANISSA: THAT'S EVEN MORE INSCRUTABLE

PYG LOOKOUT: OH SHIT A FUCKTON OF FARROW ARE APPROACHING

TROLLKIN SCOUT: ALSO GATORMEN

GRISSEL: HOW MANY

TROLLKIN SCOUT: ALL OF THEM

CALANDRA: OH SO THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS BECAUSE THE JAPANESE GIRLS NEVER LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ENJOYING IT

GRISSEL: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AND I STILL FEEL THE OVERWHELMING URGE TO HATE YOU

*AND WITH THAT LET'S LEAVE THINGS ON A CLIFFHANGER AND GO CHECK ON SOMEONE IN THE CIRCLE'S LEADERSHIP WHO DIDN'T EAT THE PAINT OFF OF OLD WARJACKS DURING THEIR WILDING*

MOHSAR: WHAT IS IT BRADIGUS

BRADIGUS: STUPID ASSHOLES KEEP BREAKING MY SHIT

MOHSAR: YOU'VE TOLD ME ABOUT THAT AT GREAT LENGTH YES

BRADIGUS: IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT THAT STUPID ASSHOLE KRUEGER IS BREAKING MY SHIT BY GETTING DRAGON CANCER ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE NOW THAT FUCKING TREE OF JERKING IS GETTING IN ON THE ACT

MOHSAR: EXPLAIN

BRADIGUS: THAT STUPID ASSHOLE TREE TOLD ME TO LET A BUNCH OF GATORMEN WALK ALL OVER MY SHIT AND THEN HE SIPHONED A BUNCH OF ENERGY FROM THE LEY LINES AND THEN THE GAS FROM MY 1983 EL CAMINO'S TANK BECAUSE QUOTE "IT PISSES YOU OFF YOU WHINY TWAT" UNQUOTE

STUPID ASSHOLE TREE IS PROBABLY GOING TO DO A RITUAL THAT BREAKS ALL MY SHIT

*MOHSAR USES HIS SUPER DRUID SPIDER SENSES TO NOTE THAT THE GATORMAN NECROMANTIC BALL OF AIDS IS ABOUT TO MEET THE BROKEN CONDOM OF MORDIKAAR'S VOID PORTAL*

MOHSAR: WELL SHIT THAT'S NOT GOOD

*MEANWHILE MORDIKAAR IS ENGAGED IN THE FINE ART OF SKORNE WARRIOR CASTE POLITICS*

PRIMUS: OF COURSE I'LL LET YOU TAKE OFF WITH THIS FORT'S ENTIRE STANDING GARRISON

AND BY THAT I MEAN HAHAHAHAHAHA NO

MORDIKAAR: GIVE ME YOUR TROOPS OR YOU'LL BE PLAYING "GUESS THE SCALPEL ENEMA" WITH HEXERIS

PRIMUS: okay.jpg

EXTOLLER: VOID SEER THE ANCESTORS WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA THAT WILL FUCKING KILL US ALL AND NOT TO DO IT

MORDIKAAR: PFFT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THE ANCESTORS' OBSCURE PORTENTS

PRIMUS: THAT SEEMED PRETTY CLEAR

MORDIKAAR: NO IT'S SUPER OBSCURE AND UNCLEAR BUT YOU GETTING TWO IN THE PINK ONE IN THE STINK FROM A VOID SPIRIT WILL BE VERY CLEAR IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR MEN

PRIMUS: UGH

*AND NOW TO THE LEGION WHICH IS ALSO IN THIS BOOK*

SAERYN: WE'RE IN POSITION TO ATTACK THE BOAT CARRYING THE ATHANC CAN WE PLEASE FUCKING ATTACK AND PUT AN END TO THIS GODDAMN SUBPLOT THAT HAS BEEN RUNNING SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MARK 2 CRYX BOOK

EVERBLIGHT: NO HANG ON AND WAIT FOR REINFORCEMENTS I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAN DRAG THIS OUT FOR ANOTHER TWO OR THREE EXPANSIONS

*SUDDENLY THE ATHANCS OF EVERBLIGHT'S WARLOCKS AS WELL AS THOSE OF THE OTHER DRAGONS FLARE UP WITH GREAT INTENSITY SHINING TO ALL OTHER PROGENY LIKE A BEACON AND REVEALING EVERBLIGHT'S TRUE NATURE AND LOCATION TO HIS VENGEFUL KIN*

KRUEGER: HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING*

[*SEE HORDES EXIGENCE ABRIDGED**]

[**I'M HONESTLY AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE***]

[***THIS MAY IN FACT BE MORE RIDICULOUS THAN THE FALLING MAMMOTH THING]

ABSYLONIA: ETHRUNBAL-NII BLIGHTERGHAST-SENPAI JUST TOUCHED ME IN MY NO-NO PLACE

EVERBLIGHT: OH FUCK EVERYTHING

*WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING MORE NOW THAT THE ATHANC CHASE MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME MORE INTERESTING THAN A MULTIFACTION GAME OF GRAB ASS FUCK YOU HAVE SOME GATOR POLITICS*

BARNABAS: BLOOD ORGY YAY BLOOD ORGY BLOOD ORGY YAY

CALABAN: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT A RUTHLESS POWERFUL AND DRIVEN RULER LIKE BARNABAS MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ABLE TO ACHIEVE HIS GOALS WHO COULD HAVE EVEN SEEN THAT COMING

MAELOK: ...

CALABAN: MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING "A BACKSTABBING SHORT-SIGHTED MANIPULATIVE SCROTE-SNIFFING TAINT STAIN WHO SPREADS HIS LEGS FOR FARROW COCK" BACK WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE AND KILLING YOU WHEN YOU WERE MY ONE POTENTIAL ALLY AGAINST BARNABAS WAS A BAD IDEA

MAELOK: ...

CALABAN: OH WELL TOO LATE NOW GOOD THING I'M GOING TO BACKSTAB BARNABAS AND STEAL HIS SOUL WITH THIS CHEKOV'S FETISH WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

MAELOK: ...

*AND NOW WE RETURN TO THE FUCKFEST FINALE AT KRIEL KICKASS*

CALANDRA: MADRAK MOST OF OUR FORCES ARE RETREATING BUT OUR MOST PRIDEFUL/PAINT-SNIFFING WARRIORS ARE FIGHTING IN AN EXPOSED POSITION AGAINST OVERWHELMING ODDS FOR NO GOOD REASON

GRISSEL: EVERYBODY GET BACK INSIDE THE INNER WALLS THEY MADE THEIR CHOICE

MADRAK: NO WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM WE NEED TO THROW AWAY EVERY POSSIBLE ADVANTAGE WE HAVE TO SAVE THE MOST SHORT BUS OF OUR KIN MUH BURDENS

GRISSEL: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT

*WELL FUCK HERE COMES THE MONOLOGUE*

GRISSEL: YOU KNOW AS MUCH AS I LAUGHED AT YOUR NAME BECOMING SLANG FOR "SEVERE YEAST INFECTION" I DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT IT TO BE TRUE AND EVER SINCE YOU PICKED UP THAT FUCKING AXE YOU'VE BECOME SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE RISK-AVERSE CUNT THAT AT THIS POINT I'M PRETTY SURE FRANK THE PYG ENUNCH HAS BIGGER BALLS THAN YOU

A GOOD LEADER DOESN'T FUCK OFF AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE TO "FIND HIMSELF" LIKE SOME BACKPACKING PHILOSOPHY UNDERGRAD DOUCHE LOG

A GOOD LEADER KNOWS HE HAS TO MAKE HARD DECISIONS AND NOT THROW GOOD RESOURCES AFTER BAD AND TO OWN THOSE DECISIONS (WITHOUT GETTING OUT THE SACKCLOTH AND ASHES AND MAKING A FUCKING CIRCUS OF IT EVERY TIME SOME KRIEL WARRIOR STUBS HIS TOE) BECAUSE HE RECOGNIZES THAT IF HE LEADS WELL HE NEED NOT BEAR THIS BURDEN ALONE

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY A GOOD LEADER DOESN'T RETRIEVE THE AXE OF ONE OF THE MOST BADASS MOLGUR OF ALL TIME AND THEN CRY ABOUT IT LIKE IT HAS FUCKING COOTIES, WHICH COMES OFF AS SO PATHETIC THAT PRE-HIT SQUAD EMORGHOUL LAUGHS AT YOU

SO GET INSIDE THE INNER FORTIFICATIONS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

MADRAK: ...WHAT IS THIS THAT I AM FEELING

GRISSEL: THAT WOULD BE YOUR TESTICLES DESCENDING

MADRAK: OH SO THAT'S WHERE THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

*AND WHILE THIS IS GOING ON CARVER IS FOCUSED ON HOW MUCH ASS HE'S GOING TO GET*

CARVER: THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME HEY ARKADIUS DO YOU THINK HELGA WANTS TO GO TO FIRST BASE WITH ME YET

ARKADIUS: GIVEN THE FACT THAT HER FORCES ARE MAKING PROGRESS ON BREACHING THE INNER WALLS AND YOUR FORCES ARE RUNNING AROUND LIKE CHICKENS WITH THEIR HEADS CUT OFF I AM GOING TO ADVANCE THE HYPOTHESIS "NO"

CARVER: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT IF I GET OVER THE WALLS BEFORE HER SHE'LL HAVE SEX WITH ME

ARKADIUS: ASSUMING YOU CAN CONVINCE YOUR FELLOWS THAT THE LOOT WILL STILL BE IN THE SAME PLACE AFTER THE BATTLE IS OVER I'M FAIRLY SURE THAT WILL JUST PISS HER OFF

CARVER: NO WAY MAN IT'S NEGGING GIRLS SAY THEY HATE THAT SHIT BUT THEY REALLY LOVE IT BECAUSE IT ESTABLISHES YOUR ALPHA MALE STATUS

ARKADIUS: YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP BROWSING /IK/REDPILL

ANYWAY GO "ESTABLISH YOUR ALPHA MALE STATUS" BY KILLING BARNABAS BECAUSE AS THE VOICE OF CAUTION AND RESTRAINT IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE THIS IS NOT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS

CARVER: THAT DOES SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS NO WAIT IF I TAKE BARNABAS' HEAD THEN THAT MEANS HELGA WILL PROBABLY GIVE ME HEAD DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE

ARKADIUS: YES

UNFORTUNATLEY

*MEANWHILE MORDIKAAR IS WATCHING ALL THIS SHIT GO DOWN FROM A NEARBY HILL*

DAKAR: WELL THIS IS A FUCKFEST

MORDIKAAR: MMMMM YES

DAKAR: UM VOID SEER IS THERE A REASON THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY BOTH EXPOSING AND TOUCHING YOURSELF

MORDIKAAR: IT'S MORTITHEURGY DON'T QUESTION IT

*MEANWHILE THINGS ARE GOING BADLY FOR THE TROLLKIN PLEASE PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED*

MADRAK: WE ARE GETTING PUSHED BACK SUPER HARD BY ENDLESS TIDES OF PIGS AND GATORS IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME BULLSHIT CONTRIVANCE TO TURN THE BATTLE IN OUR FAVOR

*SUDDENLY DOOMSHAPER APPEARS WITH MULG AND THE GLACIER KINGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE BIRD TELEPORTATION ALL UP IN THIS BITCH*

MADRAK: WOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKED

DOOMSHAPER: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

*ELSEWHERE AT THE PP OFFICES*

DOUG SEACAT: DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT TRIVIALIZES THE INTERNAL LOGIC OF OUR SETTING IF WE HAVE FACTIONS WHO ARE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS RANDOMLY TELEPORTING EACH OTHER HALFWAY ACROSS IMMOREN FOR NO BETTER REASON THAN NARRATIVE LAZINESS WHEN WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT THOSE TYPES OF POWERS ARE RARE, DIFFICULT TO TAP SAFELY AND CLOSELY GUARDED BY THOSE WHO CAN WIELD THEM

JASON SOLES: CAN THIS DISCUSSION WAIT I'M JERKING OFF TO HORSE SKULLS

*SERIOUSLY LOOK AT HIS FUCKING DEVIANTART SOME PEOPLE NEVER MOVE PAST THEIR HIGH SCHOOL GOTH PHASE*

*WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT OH RIGHT*

MADRAK: THINGS ARE ACTUALLY LOOKING UP

KROMAC: MOTHERFUCKING THARN AMBUSH FROM BEHIND ALL UP IN THIS BITCH

MADRAK: OH GUESS NOT

*WHILE THAT SHIT'S HAPPENING A PIG MAN IS FIGHTING A GATOR MAN TO A STANDSTILL ON TOP OF A PILE OF BLOODY CORPSES WHILE SURROUNDED BY FIRE AND THE SWIRLING SOULS OF THE RESTLESS DEAD QUICK AM I DESCRIBING A SCENE IN THE FLUFF OR A HEAVY METAL ALBUM COVER*

CALABAN: ALRIGHT CALABAN REMEMBER WHAT THEY TAUGHT YOU AT "KAYFABE FOR SLOW LEARNERS" CAMP YOU REALLY NEED TO SELL IT

*SUDDENLY A BATTLE BOAR CHARGES RIGHT FOR BARNABAS*

BATTLE BOAR: RAWR

CALABAN: oh no there's nothing I can do to stop it Barnabas look out noooooo

*AND SO BARNABAS GETS DOUBLE TEAMED BY A PAIR OF HOGS JUST LIKE YOUR MOM DOES WHEN SHE VISITS THE LIVESTOCK PENS AT THE COUNTY FAIR*

CARVER: HOORAY MY DAYS OF LUBRICRATING WITH MY OWN TEARS ARE OVER

CALABAN: ALL ACCORDING TO...WAIT WHERE THE FUCK DID MY SUPER AWESOME "RAPE BARNABAS' SOUL FOREVER" FETISH GO

MAELOK: ...

*AND BARNABAS RISES FROM THE DEAD WITH HIS BEATING HEART VISIBLE THROUGH A GAPING CHEST WOUND*

BARNABAS: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M GATORMAN JESUS NOW M BISON STREET FIGHTER MOVIE QUOTE ABOUT GODHOOD GOES HERE

CALABAN: FUCK

*THE THEME OF THIS BOOK IS ONE-ON-ONE DUELS TO THE DEATH*

KROMAC: MADRAK YOU FIGHT ME NOW

MADRAK: NOT WHEN MY KIN AND FAMILY ARE THREATENED

KROMAC: THEN THIS CIRCLE OF WARPWOLVES THAT HAS SURROUNDED AND ISOLATED YOU FROM YOUR KIN WILL RIP YOU APART

MADRAK: YOU MAKE A COMPELLING ARGUMENT

*THEY FIGHT AND MADRAK GETS THE WORST OF IT BECAUSE NARRATIVE CAUSALITY SAYS THAT THE PROTAGONIST NEEDS TO GET BEATEN LIKE A DRUM TO ESTABLISH THE MAGNITUDE OF THE THREAT TO HIS PERSON*

MADRAK: I'M MORE FUCKED THAN SOMEONE IN MELEE WITH BUTCHER3 IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING TO INSPIRE ME TO TAP INTO THE DEEP AWESOME POWER I'VE ALWAYS HAD

KARGESS: I AM CURRENTLY RUNNING FROM A VERY ANGRY WARPWOLF AND THIS IS A BAD THING BECAUSE TROLLKIN SPEED STATS ARE LOWER THAN CIRCLE SPEED STATS

RATHROK: I HAVE A BANKAI AND IT WOULD BE FUCKING TITS TO USE IN A SITUATION JUST LIKE THIS ONE

MADRAK: WELL THAT WAS EASY

*AND SO RATHROK DOES SOME BLEACH SHIT AND CAUSES ALL THE THARN AND WARPWOLVES TO START TURNING ON EACH OTHER AND ANYTHING IN REACH IN A MINDLESS KILLING FRENZY*

*REMEMBER KIDS WHEN YOU SEE THAT SWOLE THARN AT THE GYM OFFERING TO HELP YOU GIVE YOURSELF OVER TO THE WURM IN ORDER TO BREAK THROUGH THE PLATEAU IN YOUR SQUAT THE ANSWER IS NO*

MADRAK: I'M THROWING THIS AXE REALLY FUCKING HARD

*4 SIXES*

WARPWOLF: AWOoooo *dead*

MADRAK: I'M NEARLY DEAD RATHROK PLEASE COME BACK

RATHROK: SORRY MADRAK I CAN'T COME WITH YOU ANYMORE

MADRAK: WAIT ARE YOU SERIOUS THE WAY TO GET RID OF YOU ALL THIS TIME WAS TO GIVE IN TO THE DARK SIDE AND THROW YOU REALLY HARD

RATHROK: NO MADRAK WHEN YOU FIRST PULLED ME FROM MY ANCIENT RESTING PLACE I RECOGNIZED THAT YOU SOUGHT MY POWER NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU FELT THE NEED TO USE ANY TOOL TO SAVE YOUR PEOPLE BUT ALSO BECAUSE YOU WERE A COLOSSAL PUSSY WHO NEEDED A CRUTCH

MADRAK: I THINK IT WAS MORE COLUMN A THAN B

RATHROK: SURE WHY NOT

BUT YOU SEE I'M NOT JUST A VESSEL FOR THE MANIFESTATION OF THE MINDLESS BLOODTHIRST OF A PRIMEVAL ENTITY BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION I AM ALSO LIKE THE MAGICAL BLACK TORDORAN OF MYTH, PROVIDING HELP IN MY OWN WAY UNTIL YOU LEARNED TO RECOGNIZE THE TRUE STRENGTH THAT WAS WITHIN YOU ALL ALONG AND EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN BEYOND THE INNUMERABLE CORPSES OF THE SLAIN AND RIVERS OF BLOOD

MADRAK: THIS IS GREAT AND ALL BUT DOESN'T THIS WHOLE PARABLE OF "BELIEVING IN YOURSELF" AND/OR "STAY TRUE TO YOUR PRINCIPLES" KIND OF BREAK DOWN WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT I'M NOW FREE BY GIVING IN TO MY BASEST URGES WHILE INEXPLICABLY SUFFERING NO CONSEQUENCES FOR DOING SO

RATHROK: FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THE NO CONSEQUENCES THING

*BACK TO MORDIKAAR WHO IS WATCHING THIS SHITSHOW FROM A NOW SHATTERED TOWER ON THE OUTSKIRTS*

PRAETORIAN: HOLY SHIT THAT GATORMAN JUST CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND NOW THERE'S A FUCKING SWAMP MADE OF BLOOD GROWING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT

MORDIKAAR: I KNOW IT'S FUCKING METAL AS SHIT

PRAETORIAN: UM SHOULDN'T WE BE WORRIED ABOUT HOW THE VOID PORTAL BEHIND YOU IS GROWNING NONSTOP NOW

MORDIKAAR: I GUESS THAT MIGHT BE A PRO--

*SUDDENLY DEVOURER WURM FROM THE VOID PORTAL ALL UP IN THIS BITCH*

WURM: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

MORDIKAAR: OH FUCK *NOMMED*

*AND NOW KROMAC PICKS UP RATHROK SPOILER ALERT JUST IN CASE THE FUCKING COVER OF THE BOOK WASN'T A TIP OFF*

KROMAC: YAY I'M A WINNER

*THE DEVOURER WURM RAMPAGES THROUGH THE RUINS OF THE KRIEL KILLING TROLLKIN AND THARN IN AN INDISCRIMINATE FRENZY*

KROMAC: NEAT

ALSO TIME TO KILL YOU MADRAK

RATHROK: NO KROMAC DON'T DO IT

KROMAC: WAIT WHY

RATHROK: LOOK AT ALL THESE RANDOM MEMORIES OF THE ANCIENT PAST WHEN THE MOLGUR FOUGHT AGAINST THE ANCIENT MENITES YOU AND THE TROLLKIN SHOULD NOT FIGHT AS YOU ARE BOTH CHILDREN OF THE WURM AND SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER PROVIDED THAT YOUR GOD DOESN'T KILL EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ON CAEN IN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES

KROMAC: OH OKAY

*MOHSAR TELEPORTS IN WITH THE SAME LOOK YOUR DAD HAD WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT NOT ONLY HAD YOU CRASHED HIS PORSCHE WHILE HE WAS AWAY YOU HAD ALSO BEEN GETTING INTIMATE WITH YOUR FORMER MILF BABYSITTER IN THE BACKSEAT*

MOHSAR: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU STUPID ASSHOLE TREE

WURMWOOD: TREEKAKU DOORI DESU*

[*ALL ACCORDING TO TREE PLAN]

DOOMSHAPER: YOU KNOW THIS KIND OF SUCKS BECAUSE OUR HOMES WERE DESTROYED BUT I BET IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF THE WURM FUCKED UP CERYL I WONDER WHY I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS

DHUNIA: BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF MY SHAMAN AND THE SHIT IT'S DOING IS NOT ONLY A CENTRAL THEME IN THE MYTHOS OF CREATION IT ALSO FUCKING HURTS YOU PRICK

DOOMSHAPER: OH YEAH RIGHT

*MOHSAR ATTEMPTS TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE DEVOURER WURM TO DRIVE BACK THE DEVOURER WURM WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE TRYING TO DEFEAT THE DEATHJACK BY THROWING UNBUFFED WINTER GUARD INTO MELEE WITH IT*

MOHSAR: FUCK WE'RE POURING OIL ON THIS FIRE AND IT'S NOT WORKING

DOOMSHAPER: CHANNEL YOUR POWER THROUGH ME I CAN USE IT IN ITS PUREST FORM FROM DHUNIA

MOHSAR: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

DOOMSHAPER: IT'S MAGIC DON'T QUESTION IT ESPECIALLY WHEN WE JUST HAD SOMEONE ASCEND TO GODHOOD AND ANOTHER GOD EMERGE FROM URCAEN TO GO ON A MINDLESS RAMPAGE WITHIN TWENTY MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

MOHSAR: YOU MAKE A COMPELLING ARGUMENT

*AND THEN DAHLEKOV AND LORTUS SHOW UP*

DAHLEKOV: BY OUR PLOT ARMORS COMBINED

LORTUS: WE ARE THE PLANETEERS

BUT THE GOOD KIND THAT OFFER BLOOD SACRIFICES IN THE DARK WOODS AND HAVE SONGS WRITTEN ABOUT THEM BY SCANDANAVIAN METAL BANDS NOT THE PUSSY KIND THAT ORGANIZE DRUM CIRCLES AND SMOKE POT

*AND SO THE PORTAL TO URCAEN IS CLOSED AND THE WURM BANISHED BY THE EFFORTS OF DOOMSHAPER AND THE CIRCLE, THEIR COMBINED PLOT ARMOR TOO THICK TO PENETRATE EVEN FOR THE BEAST OF ALL SHAPES*

MADRAK: YAY WE WON

KARGESS: BUT EVERYTHING WE'VE WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD IS DESTROYED

AGAIN

MADRAK: DOESN'T MATTER HAD SEX

KARGESS: WAIT WHAT

~FIN~