My Babysitter is Under Half my Age

>you are known throughout Equestria as Anonymous, the Man
>in the years since you've arrived in this strange world, you've been:
>a scholar
>a hero
>a cowboy
>a scientist
>a gunslinger
>an archaeologist
>a pirate
>a craftsman
>and much, much more
>okay, all of those points are somewhat exaggerated
>the point is, you've lived a little
>the point is, you're a grown ass man
>the point is
"Twilight, I do not need a babysitter."
>by a stupendous fuckup of magic, you've been transformed into a small filly
>oddly enough, this isn't the first time something like this has happened in your journeys
>but this time, it's Twilight's fault
^"Anon, we're already on the train for the Crystal Empire, and I really need to get started on this adventure. Just… try not to think of Flurry Heart as a babysitter. Think of her as… a caretaker. For your time of need."
"I can take care of myself."
^"And how are you planning on eating? I think you've fairly well proven that you can't cook with those hooves."
"There's takeout."
^"On whose bits?"
>you snort
>princess of a whole damn town
>somehow can't spare the bits for a weekend's meals
>for the guy she turned into a helpless filly
^"Everything's gonna be just fine, Anon. You'll see. Just one weekend with Flurry Heart, then in a year the potion to turn you back will be ready, and then-"
"A year?! A whole damn fuckcuntering shitniggering fagtastic year?! When were you planning on telling me this?"
^"Anon, changing someone's species, sex, or age, even temporarily, it's pretty complex magic. To do all three at the same time, and have the effects be permanent? It takes a little time."
>Twilight eyes you wearily
^"And because you didn't want to go quite back to your natural age, it's even more complicated."
>you throw up your hands
>hooves
>fuck
"I mean, shit, if we just so happen to be changing my age anyway, I wouldn't mind being 20 again. What's so wrong with that?"
>Twilight rolls her eyes
"Oh, what do you know? You're gonna stay 17 forever."
>your purple riding companion's face does that scrunchy thing that ponies sometimes do
^"I was 19 when I ascended.
>awkward silence reigns over the desolate train car
>the other passengers moved to other cars some time ago
>Twilight sniffs
^"You know, the spell I messed up was designed to find you and bring you to me. I knew I had this adventure coming up and I wanted to see you first."
>your eyelid twitches involuntarily
"And…?"
^"And…"
>Twilight sticks her nose in the air
^"None of this would have happened if you hadn't been avoiding me."
>you flop out of your seat
>and rise to your hooves before your tormentor
"Oh, so now it's my fault! Well, let me tell you where you fucked up, you purple fucking horse, was when you put me in the body of a pre-adolescent filly! I've got twice as much estrogen as you do right now, and I can play your female mind games just the same- WHOAH!"
>a cloud of purple magic hoists you into the air by your tail
>something hard and hoof-like smacks into your soft filly tush
"FUCK"
>slap
"SHIT"
>slap
"STOP"

>Princess Cadance is craning her neck down at you
>there's something of genuine confusion on her face
/"My, Anon, you've, um, shrunk a bit since I last saw you."
>Shining Armor snorts
~"Smells nicer, too."
>Cadance ignores the comment
/"Well it certainly has been a while, hasn't it? I don't think we've seen each other since… was it Flurry Heart's crystalling?"
"No. You didn't invite me to that."
>Cadance cringes
/"Is that right? How odd. I could have sworn we invited all of Twilight's friends."
~"We did."
>the princess of the north chuckles awkwardly and tugs at the golden yoke around her neck
/"Well. It's really too bad that Twilight couldn't stick around to chat longer. But… Shining and I have to get going now, too. Our train to Los Pegasus is taking off in an hour."
>you blink
"Your sister-parenthesis-in-law-parenthesis is saving the world from yet another eldritch horror and you guys are going on vacation?"
>Twilight's brother waves his hoof
~"It's fine. Nothing she hasn't done a million times before."
>you have to admit, he's probably right
>even Twilight herself seemed awful casual about it
>for Twilight standards, anyway
>Cadance coughs
/"Anyway, we'll be going now. Flurry Heart should be in her room upstairs. You can't miss it, it's the same room you stayed in that one time."
>the pair of them head out to not save Equestria
/"Take good care of our Flurry now."

>Flurry Heart is in the same room you stayed in that one time
>that one time like 17 fucking years ago
>as though you'd fucking remember where to go
>you'd leave well enough alone and just make some dinner
>but it seems rude to not let your host know you're here first
>also, you need her to cook it for you
>what?
>how can you be expected to get anything done right without fingers?
>anyway, weren't there servants and guards and stuff in this castle the last time you were here?
>where the hell did they all go?
>wait a second
>that door right there looks like it could be the entrance to a teenage girl's room
>posters of boybands taped up on it
>fluffy hearts glued around those
>oh, and one of those fluffy hearts is embroidered with the name "Flurry Heart"
>you rap three sharp knocks on it
<"Mom?"
"Nope, just the strange man you're all alone in the house with."
>the door opens
>a light pink princess pony pokes her head out
>she looks a little bit shorter than Twilight
>but, in your present state, that's still tall enough to fucking tower over you
<"Oh. You're that kid I'm supposed to be babysitting."
"Kid? The last time I was in this town you were a sperm cell in your daddy's ballsack-"
<"Ew! That's fucking disgusting!"
"Listen, how about making us some dinner? I'm starving down here."
>Flurry scoffs
<"It's, like, 6 at night. Don't you have a bed time or something?"
"You mean 6 in the afternoon?"
<"No. I mean 6 at night."
>Flurry Heart becomes the second alicorn princess today to turn her nose up at you
<"It's, like, bedtime for little fillies."
>the princess's horn glows
>you instinctively clench your butt cheeks
>POOF
>when you open your eyes, you're locked in what seems to be a guest bedroom in the castle
"BITCH"

>sunlight filters dimly in through the thick crystal walls
>you roll over
>your limbs stretch out into your sight
>your limbs?
>hooves?
>thick crystal walls?
>is this the work of some kind of mad scientist?
>again?
>wait
>no
>that was just Twilight
"Fucking damnit."
>and you're still under the power of Flurry fucking Heart
>you hop down to the floor
>you've gotta piss
>after a determined march to the door, you begin pounding on it as hard as you can
>which isn't very hard, under the circumstances
>so you throw in a little screeching
"McFlurry! Let me out of here!"
>silence is your answer
"I'm gonna piss on the fucking floor if I don't get out of here!"
>you're rearing up now, pounding with both forehooves
"Flurry fucking Heart! I'm gonna-"
>the door flies open
>you go sprawling across the floor
>an angry teenage alicorn sticks her head in the room
<"It is 10 in the morning what do you want?!"
"10 in the-"
>you shake your head
"Bitch, I gotta piss."
>you squirm your way through Flurry Heart's legs into the passageway
>you begin storming off toward the bathroom
>wait a second
"Hey, where's the bathroom?"

>now that that's done
>you seem to be free to roam about the castle
>you're still hungry, so you decide to look for the kitchen
>given how utterly unhelpful Flurry Heart has been, you're willing to give cooking with hooves another go
>you mean, what's the worst that could happen?
>a grease fire?
>it's not like crystal burns down
>making your way through long passages and winding stairs proves to be no easy task on stubby filly legs
>somewhere on the ground floor, you notice a double set of swinging doors
>the small windows set in them show that the room beyond is gleaming white
>with your oversized filly head, you nudge open the doors and tumble inside
>oh yeah, it's a kitchen
>appliances, counters, utensils
>it's even got big white hats hanging up on hooks
>there's a big walk-in fridge, but you have to use a stool to reach the handle
>inside the fridge, you look for something that seems easy to cook
>something you're not likely to fuck up, even with these big goofy hooves
>how about those eggs?
>reaching into a low shelf with both hooves, you carefully pull out a carton of eggs
>but as soon as the carton comes free of the shelf
"Shit!"
>and the eggs are on the floor, leaking yellow egg-fluids all over the place
<"Hey!"
>oh, shit, busted
>the princess of teenaged angst is glaring at you from the entrance of the fridge

<"You're making a giant mess!"
"You wanna make my damn breakfast for me? Shut the fuck up."
>Flurry Heart scoffs
<"I'm not cooking for you. The palace has cooks for that."
>the princess scans the room uncertainly
<"I just need to find them…"
>then her eyes lock onto something out of sight
>she trots over to it
>you get out of the fridge and follow her
>she's looking at something on a counter, but it's too high for you to see
>then she magically levitates the object in front of her face
>it's a note
<"Dear Flurry. I gave the servants the weekend off. There's plenty of stuff in the fridge for you and…"
>she squints
<"How do you say that? Ah-non-er… Uh-nan-ny…?"
"Just call me Anon."
<"There's plenty of stuff in the fridge for you and Anon to make food with. Love, Dad."
"Well that explains that then. I thought it seemed awful empty here."
>your companion offers no reply
<"Uh, princess? Are you all right? McFlurry? Are you breathing?"

<"What are we gonna do? How are we gonna eat? I'm gonna starve to death!"
>the princess of moodiness suddenly seems a lot less moody
>and a lot more panicked
"Geez, calm down. First of all, nobody ever starved to death in two days. Second of all, you can just cook for yourself."
<"Me? Cook? I don't know how to cook!"
"It's not that hard. Just open up the fridge, I'll-"
<"You can cook? Oh, thank the Heart. Here-"
>the princess magically drops one of those big chef hats on your head, and a pile of cooking utensils in front of you
"Well, I can cook theoretically, but…"
>you stick a hoof into the pile of utensils, attempting, somehow, to grab a big wooden spoon
"I can't really grip things."
<"What do you mean you can't grip things?! It's the easiest shit in the world! You just…"
>with physics-defying ease, Flurry Heart takes the spoon with her hoof and waves it around
"What even are you doing? I have no idea what I'm seeing here."
>and moodiness makes its triumphant comeback on Flurry Heart's face
<"Ugh! How can you be this stupid?"
"Listen. I'm fucking hungry. I assume you're fucking hungry. Just grab some shit and I'll tell you what to do with it."
<"But that's servant work!"
>it's really taking a lot of effort not to have a stroke right now
"No, it's functional adult work."
>Flurry blinks
<"Adult work?"
"Yeah, yeah, you'll be real grown-up once you can make your own food."
>the princess of insecurity averts her eyes from yours and scowls
<"Okay, fine. Just tell me what to do."
"Good."
>you push the stool over to the counter and climb on top
"We'll start with something simple. You'll need peanut butter, jelly, and sliced bread."
>with what you're sure is a needless waste of energy, Flurry Heart teleports the listed ingredients onto the table before her
"Get a knife, too."
>a giant fucking meat cleaver levitates from the pile of utensils
"Not that fucking knife! Grab a butter knife."
<"A what?"
"A little knife. One that's not so sharp."
>a steak-knife appears on the counter before Flurry Heart
>close enough
>also, why do herbivores have steak knives?
>or meat cleavers, for that matter
"Okay. Stick the knife into the peanut butter… take a big scoop of it… Good, now spread it out onto a slice of bread."
>this, too, requires a few minutes of coaching
>but in the end, you see one slice of bread with a thick layer peanut butter spread across its surface
"That's not too bad. Now, onto the jelly. Wipe that-"
>that's when the peanut butter on the bread catches fire
"…"
>you end up having bare bread-slices for breakfast

>McFlurry sent you to "time-out" after breakfast
<"Because I'm the babysitter, and I say so."
>it doesn't seem she quite believes that you're old enough to be her dad
>no matter
>if you're going to be treated like a child
>you can act like a child
>before getting telepoofed to your guest-room, you stepped on that giant meat cleaver
>on the flat of it, don't worry
>you didn't know if it would work
>but since it seems like the same thing as hoof-grabbing the thing, you figured that it might
>now you're a small filly alone in a room with a big, sharp blade
>grabbing the thing with your hooves is out of the fucking question
>so, reluctantly, you take it up in your mouth
>hopefully it doesn't give you AIDS
>you rear up on your hind hooves
>rest on the door with your forehooves
>and bring the corner of the blade close to the lock
>oh, sure, the cleaver is too big to pick the lock properly with
>but if you jam it in enough times you might break the lock
>there's an obvious risk somewhere in this plan
>but you don't feel like thinking about that right now
>now the nice thing about being turned into an earth pony
>there'd probably be a steep learning curve to magic or wings
>but earth pony superstrength?
>that's intuitive enough
>you smash the knife into the lock
>and then
>you do it again
>and because that wasn't unsafe enough
>you keep doing it til your neck is too sore to swing the blade anymore
>at that point, you toss it onto the floor behind you and examine the lock
>yep, it's definitely ruined
>now, either you can open it
>or it'll never be unlocked again
>you're not entirely sure how this works, but shooting the lock always works in movies, so...
>with your teeth around the doorknob, you...
>open the door
>all right
>time for some mischief

>actually, after roaming about the castle for a while, there's no obvious mischief to cause
>yeah, you could break some shit
>yeah, you could kick food all over the place
>yeah, you could take a big horseshit all over the floor
>but none of that is really speaking to you, you know?
>eventually, you settle on grabbing the steak knife from the kitchen
>you head up to the door of McFlurry's room with the handle in your mouth
>no, this hasn't turned into a slasher
>you put the tip of the blade to the surface of the door
>unfortunately, you can't be very precice doing this with your mouth
>but perhaps the art of what you're about to do lies within its very crudeness
>you scratch out a curve
>another curve below that
>a straight-ish line protruding from the curves
>parallel to that, another line
>and, connecting those, one more line
>you step back and admire your handiwork
>or is that mouthiwork?
>Flurry Heart's bedroom door is now graced with a big, poorly-drawn horsecock
>you squint
>actually, it's kind of faint
>you can't really see it unless you're looking straight at it
>better trace over it a few times
>you're about to put the knife to the door again
>when it's flung open
<"What are you doing?!"

"Eh wehr jeh, ehr-"
>you spit the knife out
"I was just, uh, trying to see about getting some lunch."
>Flurry groans
<"Fine. This time it better be easy."
"Yes, of course, peanut butter and jelly was clearly too advanced for you."
>the gangly princess stalks out of her room
>you follow behind
>but not before glancing back at the door
>holy kek she really didn't notice
>down in the kitchen, you instruct your pupil to grab a box of instant macaroni
<"The fuck is that?"
>right
>you go diving through cabinets til you find what you're looking for
"This."
<"Ew, poor-people food."
>ignoring that
"Use that alicorn magic of yours to fill up that pot with water, and set it down on the stovetop right there."
>now, you know what the audience is thinking
>"but, Anon, if McFlurry can burn PB&J, why would you trust her with a hot stove?"
>simple answer:
>you wouldn't
>while she's getting the water, you grab the wooden spoon and push the stool over to the stove
>you clamber up the stool to the gratifying sight of a potful of water
>at the flick of a switch, the magic-based heating element activates
"Can you tear open that box and set it over here?"
>Flurry brings the box
>and also a question
<"What are you gonna do here? I thought you couldn't cook."
"I can't figure out how to make these hooves work, but I think I can stir a spoon with my mouth just fine."
<"Is that sanitary?"
"Probably not, but I've seen them do that at the bakery in Ponyville, and they're not shut down yet."
>whoah
>the water came to a boil way faster than you thought it would
>this magic stove apparently gets way hotter than your lonely campfires on the road ever did
"All right, pour that shit in."
>with the spoon in your mouth, you don't say anything for a while
>Flurry Heart doesn't say anything either
>she's watching you stir the macaroni curiously
>ah, man
>the hot steam blowing into your face isn't great
>but it sure does feel nice to be successfully doing something for yourself again
>after the five minutes specified on the box, you reckon that lunch is done
>better have Flurry get the strainer ready
>you turn to point at the sink
>too bad you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth first
>now your macaroni is all over the floor
<"..."
>you have bare bread-slices for lunch too

>at the very least, there was no bullshit "time-out" after lunch
>not that you could be contained anymore with that broken lock
>but still, it's the thought that counts
>or, maybe the lack of thought
>the princess seemed sulky about something when she stalked off into the castle
>whatever
>you're gonna wander now
>the courtyard gets boring pretty quick
>who makes a garden out of lifeless crystals in the middle of a fucking crystal empire?
>you could stare at the walls all day and see the same damn thing
>the palace library library has a few interesting titles
>too bad most of them are out of your reach
"I'm gonna go sit on Candyass's throne."
>you find the throne room
>it's a great hall with three fancy thrones at the end
>you're guessing the big one with the blue heart on it is Cadance's
>oh yeah, you plop your ass down on it
>you start making airy-fairy gestures with your hooves
"Hi, my name is Princess That's Amore Pizza Lasagna Candyass, and I love everyone til I'm behind your back!"
>hey wait a second
>is there supposed to be a giant hole in the middle of the throne room?
>and if so, is it supposed to have a winding staircase that descends into an ominous black abbyss?
>also, should you explore it?

>down
>down
>down the steps you go
>the further you go, the darker it gets
>and the darker it gets, the louder the voices get
>no, not the voices in your head
>all around, you can hear what sounds like dozens of voices speaking in frantic whispers
>actually, you hope those voices are just in your head
>heh
>this feels like something Sombra would have enjoyed
>Sombra was a good bro sometimes
>too bad about that whole "going insane again and kidnapping a baby" thing
>actually, that baby was Flurry Heart, wasn't it?
>your hoof nearly slips on a rock and gives you a heart attack
"Man, it sure is fucking dark down here."
>as if on command, an eerie swirl of green and purple light emanates from no apparent source
"Th-thanks."
>down
>down
>down into the heart of darkness
>finally, you attempt to step down another stair, but find only level ground
"Fucking finally."

>the space on the bottom is a small room with a little red door
>some sort of warning sign has been bolted to the door
>in the dim light, it takes a little effort to read what it says
>"Fear Door. Opening this door will result in visions of one's own worst fears. Proceed with caution. Entry prohibited except for personnel with H-class clearance or higher."
>uh
>well you used to be pretty good friends with Twilight
>that's gotta be at least H clearance
>whatever the fuck H clearance means
>with a little effort, you reach the doorknob
>the door creaks open to a pitch-black abyss
>and as you peer into the abyss...
>so too does the abyss peer into you
>and visions from a nightmare world overwhelm your senses
>your carefree life of wandering has been brought to an end!
>you've been transformed into a helpless little filly!
>your bidalism!
>your opposable thumbs!
>oh, shit, does this make you a tranny?!
>Twilight Sparkle has taken complete control of your life!
>even kids are infantilizing you!
"Wait a second, I'm already living this."
>you throw the door shut
"Dumb door."
>hang on
>the doorknob seems to have slid to the other side of the door
>you reach up to open it again
>this time the door opens to a wide space
>in the center of the space is an ivory tower
>a spiral staircase wraps around the tower's exterior

>up
>up
>up the damn tower you go
>trying real hard not to think about the long walk back to that throne room
>wondering just what you're going to find at the top
>wondering, more importantly, why so many damn stairs?
>times like this, you really miss being a six-foot biped
>each step becomes a chore in itself
>you have to place both forehooves on each new step
>and pull your hindquarters up with your whole upper body
>your heart is thumping like a jackhammer in your throat by the time you reach the top
>hang on
>just
>just catch your breath real quick
>aw man
>Twilight's gonna have to send a rescue party when she gets back
>there's no way you're doing all that climbing all over again
>you shake your head, and get up
>a pointed arch covers the entrance to a room
>stepping inside, you find that it's lined with bookshelves
>the tomes on the shelves are dark and leather-bound
>which is pretty edgy when you consider that cows can talk in this world
>in the middle of the room...
>Flurry Heart lies still on a couch
>huh
>this feels like an awfully ominous place to be finding a teenaged pink princess horse
>stepping closer, you can see the slow rising and falling of her breast
>she's fast asleep
>tucked under her foreleg is a book
>"Darkstar's Practical Guide to Cooking With Black Magic"
>your eyebrows fly right off the top of your head
>holy shit
>you had no idea that this cooking thing was getting under Flurry's skin so bad
>m-maybe you should wake her up?
>or, uh, maybe...
>oh, look, there's another door
>better go explore what's beyond it
>away from the moody alicorn with the black magic cookbook
>on the other side of the door is the regular palace library
>oh thank fuck, you don't have to climb those stairs again
>carefully, so as not to disturb the sleeping princess, you shut the door behind you
>and when you blink, the door is gone
>well, maybe McFlurry's got the right idea anyhow
>about the napping, not the black magic
>after that walk, you're pretty tired
>you head out of the library and toward your guest room

<"Anon, wake up. Dinner is ready."
>the Flurry Heart that's nudging you with her snout seems like a whole new pony
"Mh... what?"
>you sit up and rub your eyes
"What?!"
>for the first time all weekend, the princess of teen angst is actually smiling
>she seems so excited about something that she hasn't noticed the destroyed lock on the door
>once she sees that you're awake, she stands tall and grins down at you, her chest puffed out in pride
<"Come on downstairs, Anon. Let's eat."
>remembering "Darkstar's Practical Guide to Cooking With Black Magic" makes you panic
>did she really turn to forbidden arts just to make dinner?
>dare you disobey this ominous dinner bell?
>you probably should
"Okay."
>but you don't
>you're following the lanky princess pony to the dining hall
>which would be hard enough with those stubby legs of yours
>but when she's practically prancing down the stairs?
>you cough
"I, uh, saw you asleep with that book. The black magic cookbook."
>well, you get your wish
>Flurry gasps, and stops so suddenly that you smack into her leg
<"You saw that?! Oh, no, please don't tell my mom. I didn't use it or anything, I swear!"
"I won't, I promise. But if you didn't use the book, what did you do?"
>your question puts the grin back on Flurry Heart's face
>you walk along together at a slower pace as she explains
<"Well, I started thinking to myself, how can I rule the Crystal Empire some day if I make some little filly do my cooking for me? I've gotta take control of my own destiny, you know?"
<"I looked through, like, a million cookbooks to try and find a recipe I could do. And, uh, yeah, one of them was the one you saw."
<"But literally none of them made any sense! I decided there was only one thing to do."
>you've come to the great crystal doors of the palace dining hall
"And what was that?"
>Flurry smiles, and flings open the doors with het magic
>on the table is laid out...
>a pair of large pizzas in cardboard boxes
<"Give up and order takeout!"

>Twilight got done saving the world a little early
>so she came by to pick you up first thing Sunday morning
>Flurry invited "Auntie Twilight" to stay for tea and a chat
>Twilight was more than happy to stay and chat with her "favorite niece"
>even though Twilight ended up having to make the tea herself
^"That's a wonderful story, Flurry Heart! Do you feel like you learned anything?"
>Flurry grins and sits a little straighter
<"I learned that being an adult, and a princess, means taking care of myself. Sometimes, being a princess is going to mean facing tough situations, and I won't always be able to rely on servants or my parents."
>Twilight beams
^"That's a wonderful lesson, Flurry Heart. You're absolutely right."
>oh, geez
>it's so sugary sweet you think your teeth are gonna fall out
>you blow on your tea again before dipping your tongue into it
>still too hot
^"Truth be told, Flurry Heart, I was hoping Anon could help you learn that. I don't have many friends as naturally independent as he is."
>Flurry's eyebrow cocks at that
<"He?"
>Twilight chuckles awkwardly
^"It's a, um, funny story."
>the younger princess is staring at you and blinking now
<"Wait, so are you actually, like, really old and stuff?"
"I'm not even 40! That's not that old!"
>Twilight giggles
^"That reminds me, Anon. I was hoping you would learn something too."
>learn something?
>you scratch your chin in thought
>oh, there is something you learned!
"I finally figured it out! Watch this shit."
>you pull the spoon out of your teacup, and hold it in your hoof triumphantly
"Look at that! I don't even know how that works! Isn't it great?"
>Twilight sighs
^"I'm happy for you, Anon. But that wasn't quite the lesson I hoped you would learn."
>you shrug
"Twilight, I was cooking beans over an open fire in the middle of Pineywood Swamp when your spell abducted me. Like you said, I already know a thing or two about self-reliance."
^"Well, that's why I was hoping you'd learn about relying on others."
"Huh?"
^"As we approach middle-age, we're going to find that sometimes there are challenges we can't overcome on our own. Relying on others to a certain degree will not only help you win the day, but it will also forge the bonds of friendship between yourself and those around you!"
>you eyeball the spoon in your hoof
"Twilight, I can sort of see where you're coming from, but..."
>Twilight yelps as the spoon from your hoof bounces off of her forehead
"Fuck off."