1. I had a huge, long talk with my younger brother & an old friend-mentor of mine about my behavior & how I let people use me as just about a doormat every single day of my life. I always expect the best of everyone, & people around me do not hesitate to use that for just their advantage. On top of that, when people hurt me or make me uncomfortable, I am never honest about it in the fear of hurting them back or feeling like a burden, which in turn just creates *more* problems for all parties involved. I admitted these about myself as much as I could. & I also admitted that there ARE bad people around me, including the ones I love & trust so much, & no matter how much I love & trust them, that isn't going to change anything. They do shit to harm me. They do shit to harm my innocent friends & family. Just because they're better than my abusers & helped me out of my abusive situation does not mean that they are saints. Everyone has flaws & can become toxic for you, & if your friendship or family reaches that point then you need to build & boundaries, even if others get hurt during the process. I must be stronger, I must be more honest & I must take more control of my life. People suck. People rock too. That's just how we are. Some of us choose to remain sucky, & some of us grow & change. I will be one of the people who grow & change. I am allowed to believe that I am better than those who refuse to be open minded - that does not make me a bad person.
2. Speaking of control & change - so, I need to once again learn how to behave better with people I DON'T like. People I DON'T trust & love. I am so jaded, I will go ahead & treat people I deem bad as worse as possible. Not only am I making the huge mistake of judging them according to my own moral compass which isn't universal by any means, I am also expecting the worst of them - you always get what you expect of people. Expect the worst & you get the worst.
So around the neighborhood, there's a dog that's always tied up to a tree near a building where his "owners" live. Obviously, being the emotional & loud wreck that I am, since the day I met the dog, I frequently visit him during my walks with Vanilla (my dog) & talk shit about the people that keep him tied up right to their faces, calling them things like "inhuman, cruel" etc. What I seem to fail to understand in those heated moments is the culture that I live in. Animals are not treated nicely here, especially not dogs. Because of religious stigma (disclaimer: Islam preaches to treat all living beings with respect, people just misinterpret & misuse religion as an excuse for bad & sick behavior in our culture a lot, no hate @ actual well-followed religion!), dogs are seen as unholy & worthy of neglect. People hurt dogs here & think that will land them a clean seat straight in heaven where the Almighty will be waiting for them with a bouquet of roses. Or they just don't care & jump the abuse bandwagon. So that poor boy who's tied up all the time, earlier today at noon, escaped from his leash & ran to my dog to have fun with her.  I unleashed Vanilla so she could play with him, I assumed he was let loose for fun. Turns out he wasn't. He escaped his leash by, I assume, biting or pulling. One of the men who take care of him came running after him, & I asked him if Vanilla could play with him, to which, of course, he said "no" since every other time I came across him, I spent dissing him & his friends. LOL. This is when I realized that if I was nice to them for the sake of the dog, they would have been much more willing to let my Vanilla spend that off-leash time with him. Ugh. So at Vanilla's second walk for the day which was about 1 & a half hour-ish before this post, I went to see him again. Normally he calls for Vanilla & I with a clear & clean voice. But tonight his voice was all rough sounding. Once Vanilla finished her potty business, we went to him & I noticed that he was doing significantly worse & his collar was on tighter than ever (he already has an infection on his neck from wearing the collar literally every day since the poor boy was born.). It was obvious that he had been hurt after the last time I saw him.
This guy approaches me as I start petting the dog. Not sure who he was but he's definitely responsible for the suffering of the dog. He starts /off/ by /accusing ME of being the one who let the boy loose at noon/ in the rudest manner possible. Once again, even though he was rude, I was equally as rude before & this time, too. I answer him saying no, & he cuts me off because obviously he knows it wasn't me - he's just here to harass me. But that's two-way, if you are gonna judge both of our behavior. He then attempts to kick the poor boy because he's always super excited & jumpy when he sees Vanilla & me. The moment he tries to kick him, Vanilla goes on full protect mode & barks at him & threatens him (of course she would never bite - she just scares people when she's in defense mode, she never actually hurts them.) by jumping towards him (she was on a leash of course so she didn't touch him.). The guy eats her with a newspaper. Twice. It was light, yes, but what he did is uncalled for. I may have dissed him & his friends but I have never hurt his dog. He then goes on verbally harassing me as much as he wants regarding both my dog & their dog. I harass him back just as much. Then I eventually leave. There was more stuff going on with a free stray dog that was also with me (she likes me a lot & follows me when I walk Vanilla), she was also being scared by other men around the harasser/"owner" while I was just trying to pet her.
I feel awful, awful for not physically reacting or saying anything after/when they hit my Vanilla. It didn't register in my head properly because I was overwhelmed. The whole event hasn't registered in my head even now. But I am so, so deeply hurt. Not cause of anything that happened to me or anything that was said to me as an insult (which was a lot & was promptly returned right back to him), but because of the way they see animals. Because of the narcissistic look that man had when speaking about how dogs deserve to be "kicked at least twice in the morning" & that's how he "trains" his dog every day. About how our society is so neglected & uneducated by the higher ups that dogs are punching bags to them. I am so hurt. But it's OK, this is just motivation for my end goal in life. I am going to achieve my goals no matter what. I am going to help the animals around me even if it kills me, just fucking watch.
Don’t worry, I’m OK, & I love you! <3