January 7th 2020

Christmas as passed and the new year (decade, rather) has begun, and I.. have still yet to see you, so I suppose this will be my last message until we speak again. There’s already quite a few of them for you to read.

A lot of things have happened over the months its been since we last spoke, I struggle to think of any good ones. Things only seem to have gotten worse. My grandmother packed up and abandoned our family without bothering to tell us, and without stopping by to say goodbye. She now lives in New York, in the basement of my batshit conspiracy theorist aunt and her girlfriend who I’m sure also believes in all the anti-vaccine bullshit. Ironic that my aunt apparently came down with the flu recently. Wonder why. I’m sure my grandmother is having a ball ordering $73 stainless steel trashcans and $93 curtains off Amazon. She did that when she lived with us as well, but we at least gave her shit for blowing $15k over the course of a few months.

My grandmother also messaged me on my birthday to send me one of the most hateful messages I have ever received, insulting both me and the rest of my family in a way that almost drove me off the edge. Her message was so heinous that me and my father decided it would be best to not tell my mother it existed in the first place, as it was so bad we feared SHE might have a breakdown and end up hospitalized.

My sister attempted suicide at the beginning of December, and although the dose of medicine she took was no where near lethal, she was still hospitalized for about a week, which was for the best. Things with her have been very rough for a couple months, even before this.. Things never seem to get better, no matter how much help we get for her. Its taken a severe toll on the rest of my family, me included. Nights are difficult, when everyone except me is asleep. Every little noise from the top floor where her bedroom is fills me with terrible anxiety, fear that shes trying to hurt herself again. My inability to sleep at a normal time means that I’m awake all night to hear any noise, and so my nights tend to be full of worry.

My depression, as well as my mother’s depression and my other sister’s depression have gotten worse. I see no end in sight for my depression. It’s become so bad that any time something bad happens.. All I can think is that I wouldn’t have to deal with it if I was dead, that its the only way to escape things and not have to face them. I didn’t think this way until recently, two or so months. I won’t act on it, but.. I feel as though its my only escape. The only way to not have to deal with things.

Not seeing you has begun to take a toll on me as well. It was always difficult, but it continues to get harder the more time that passes. Often I wonder if you don’t come talk to me because I’m not good enough. That maybe I’m not worth waking up for. I know thats not the case, but its hard to keep from thinking that way sometimes.

I’ve rambled on enough, here, but I wanted to tell you whats happened since the last time we spoke, to try and be open with you, even more so than I usually am. Everyone knows I’ve been having a hard time, but its a lot worse than I’ve let on. I won’t hide how bad its gotten from you.

This is my last message until we speak again, however sooner or later that might be. I know that its a long message, but it needs to be. I need you to know.

I miss you, so much more than I am able to put into words. I feel so terribly lonely without you, without my best friend.

I have not been okay for a very long time, but I will continue to push through, for you and for everyone else, as much as I wish I could lay down and sleep through it all. I’ll keep pushing through, and hope maybe things will get better some day.