UUUUUGH

To be honest my immediate thought was to just send everything back to you, but thankfully I can't rect on impulse with that and I realised it would probably hurt you a lot, even if you hate me now, it still would be such a horrible thing to do to you.
I never meant to hurt you on purpose. Neither you or Jess (especially not her).

I don't know if you will read this email or just trash it immediately, but I hope you will.
I do not mean to ruin your happiness in any way, that's not the reason why I am writing this or to cause bad emotions, really......
I really did want to move on and normally I can do it in 2 weeks at worst, but, I am just unable to do that right now. I feel terrible and just sad, I still cry about everything and, I really think I can explain why I am this way if I, tell everything.
Because I really want you to understand that I am not doing this out of cruel intention, it's fine to tell Jess too, because I trust her too, but please don't tell anyone else, okay?

So, you know I always say I am kinda popular irl, it's true, I don't even understand it either. But... that wasn't always the case. In elementary school, it was kind of a thing to always bully someone, like it changed per day or week. It wasn't a bad bully thing, just, not talking to the person and so on, light things.
Girls did that to girls, boys never did it. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I love boys so much. Girls could never bully me, because when they tried to outcast me, well, I got along with the boys, so I was never alone.
However, sometimes I did feel I don't belong, and I remember when I made my first close friend, I was probably like 11, I was writing her a letter and one of my classmates asked: "Is she real?"
I wonder why I remember it so clearly.
Anyway, I found a place and felt so utterly happy after, that was when I was doing child acting in a theatre. You know about it I think that I was doing it. Everything was so much fun and I loved it a lot, then they had director change in the theatre and thing started to change. The new director said, as long as he is there no kids can enter the stage.
And while he seemed to like me, and even told me I have a bright future, I left the theatre with our group of friends, because I had the silly idea that we will be together forever.
We played for another year together as a group, and again, I was told by the best acting university in the country, (me and another boy), that they want to see us in their school.
But then.... everything went bad. My friends started to act strange, talking behind each other's back and another person whom I trusted and was older than me with like 5 years maybe, so I looked up to her great time, went to confess to the boy she knew I had a crush on.
They didn't go out or anything, but it hurt a lot when I figured it out. So I started to feel out of the place and in the end, that boy I liked told me that if everyone just keeps being together (like a group we had been for years) then it feels like nothing changing and that he is not happy with everything staying the same and about the same people being there.
I don't know if it makes sense, but when I was younger it hurt me and I think I misunderstood it. He probably didn't mean me as he was telling me this, but I thought he does, so I left. Wordlessly. Left everything behind.
I still regret it probably, but I can talk about this. I only ever told it to my irl best friend, so really, please this is very... personal, because I think a lot of my actions is due to this certain memory, and I owe this explanation to both of you.

That's when I got into anime kind of, I always loved writing too, so I started to feel better. Of course, people tried to chase me, but phone stops ringing after a while, you know.
Later I bumped into these people, they were always so happy to see I am still okay and I could tell they really liked me. Most of them are not actors tho now, but gosh, one line I hear a lot during my lifetime is: "Please don't disappear".
But when I am hurt I just try to? As if protecting myself from the pain..... I don't know...
I have never met that girl again who I looked up a lot tho, but I still feel like I don't want to see her.... not because of having the same crush, but the betrayal. She didn't share it with me and stuff....
So I think she is a person maybe I can't forgive, I don't know why, I never thought about it before, just now writing it down.

In high school, it was after that incident when I think I met my first real love, sort of.... and we almost got together. He asked me out during a trip and I was about to go to meet him, but my friend started crying that she likes this boy so much and he is such an idiot because he will never notice it.
I never went to meet him after hearing that. Because I wanted to treasure my friend, but the next day she said: ah I dont like him that much after all.
And he started to avoid me, he got angry, I think, of course he did.
I loved him a lot though... I changed school for a different reason too, so yeah, his anger was understandable. Years later we met and you could still tell there was something. I think real love will never disappear so easily as crushes, it's always somehow special.

After that I was okay irl, of course small stuff happened, but I had a very good time and I got over that theatre thing, I hope. But maybe my reaction to trouble and feeling hurt did no change.

After this, I started to have trouble online.... my English was very poor, but I really wanted to RP in the khr fandom, so I was happy to pass and got accepted. Everyone also liked the way I played my character, it made me so happy.
Ah I told this to Jess, I think and maybe to you too? There was a person who just included me into a threesome RP, and while I didnt ship my character with hers, I thought why not? If it makes others happy, I don't mind.
But then I got criticised that our characters dont interact enough, when her character was the only one mine had smut RP going on in DMs. That one was an AU tho, and she said, her other character is still hurt and she actually cried about it too. I was really shocked because I was able to totally separate online and irl, and rp and just chatting. It came to a point where she said we wont do the threesome anymore and that I can choose if I want to keep the other character or not. I told them, my character IC wise, would never hurt the other character, so its better if I step out of the relationship RP and he can support them.
I just.... ah, you dont know the characters, but despite of me shipping 8059, I sacrificed it because my character just CANT hurt the main character. It's out of character for him. So I was still thinking IC instead of thinking what I want.
After that, I decided to put my character together with someone else, because fun. But the other two called it cheating, because the characters still had no discussion about it. I was waiting for a week for the characters to discuss, but that two just kept RPing some bedroom scenario on the TL, and I wanted to have fun too.... but they got angry at me.
So after that, my character and I got outcasted. A lot of mean thing happened toward me and to my character.
For exaple, he is a smart character, and I read heavy books during my uni years, so I thought it would fit him, but my English had limits still, so I couldn't express it, I picked wikipedia as a help, tweeted a TL tweet and a character got back to my character like: nice you can copy paste from wikipedia.

So in the end, I decided to leave the group, I told the person in charge and she apologised to not do a better job. So I deactivated my account (which I regret because I LOVED that @ for my character and now someone just has it and never tweeted anything ever ugh), so after I left, I still wanted to be friends with the person who played 8O, but she blocked me.... so I just moved on. I was able to, took a few days.
A year or so later I suddenly remembered and checked her and she unblocked me... (it was on aim or something??? forgot the name of it;;;;). I never went online tough, and I dont even know anymore what my @ was or anything.
I also think she wasn't too trustworthy.... because we were friends, the only person I could talk to, but one day I got a message from the person who played 27, that I should leave her friend alone, when we were always just having mutual chats.
So there were lots of things I didn't understand, and yeah, this one definitely made me.... well, did a toll on me. I am taking RPs more seriously unfortunately, taking online things more seriously too....

After this, I didnt RP for a year.... about.... I restarted it because I was studying for my advance level English certification. And writing helps a lot, RP is good. That's when I entered DC fandom and twitter verse. Which was fun again, but people kept dropping me after a while, finding someone else to interact with and just forget about me.... and the same thing happened with someone whom I got close to, we had calls too, he was a gay guy, but super sweet and nice and we had a lot in common. Then things got messed up, he messaged me that he doesn't want our characters to be in a relationship anymore because he wants to do something else with his. I understood, even if I missed the RP a lot, it was fun with him, but then his character started to avoid mine and he asked for a break, and it confused me a lot why he just doesn't want to talk to me in a honest way.
So on our personal, everyone kinda stopped talking to me, he was popular.... that's when I made my current account, and just followed my anime related friends, because I didn't want to see them having fun and not including me or treating me invisible. And my anime friends were really sweet, it was mostly HQ fandom back then, that and Attack on titan. I am still friends with everyone from those fandom, minus the ones who disappeared from the internet because of their own stories and reasons...
Anyway, he figured out I have a different account and got angry and we had a fight and he blocked me. I deactivated my old account too. It hurt me a lot, because I couldn't give an explanation, because I didn't do anything bad, I think?
But thankfully, HQ fandom was really welcoming and then Free second season started and I joined that verse and had so much fun, it was again 3 of us being friends.
Meanwhile, in the dc fandom.... I suddenly got questions in DMs, if I made a new account trying to interact with them. I didn't. They showed me the account and while I understand why they think it's me, that would have been definitely my choice too for avi and background, but it wasn't me. So I became a target again and I really felt sorry for that person because people didn't interact with them because they thought it's me....
It wasn't me though, because I was involved with Free, and I only went on my Haru and Rin accounts, I did a bit of Avatar RP too then, Kainora, it was cute.

So I moved on, but then argh... it was 3 of us friends, you know Nikki (she had a Shinkai with my Arakita) and someone else you dont know. We were close, we had a group chats, sometimes I woke up to 2oo+ messages, I loved it so much and just, I was so happy again.
Then things changed, because the other person started to feel lonely? She thought Nikki and I are more close because we RPed coupling and apparently Nikki's other friend really disliked me too... because I got along with her.
I got... scared.... and didnt want to be in the way and just logged out from everywhere. I was watching Natsume and stuff, work.... not getting online. Then after like 3-4 days, I got online again and Nikki was so worried and stuff, I told her I dont want be in the way and cause trouble, but she kept... chasing me and she said: if I need to choose even if its horrible I would chose you.
That was the first time someone wanted to be my friend so badly and actually... would do that for me. I never asked of course, like its horrible when someone makes you choice like that, its the worst. But I appreciated and decided to be her friend. We got closer and it was fun for years, we are still friends.
The other person... we kinda had a distance, I think Nikki too.... but we are still mutuals and talk sometimes.

After that Pedal happened, and we met too and stuff. We talked a lot about Toudou's mun so I wont include that and she really.... well, it was fun, but in the end she was too selfish I guess.
I was just happy with friends and I had fun, really.. I dont think I had trouble... until you know... ;;;;;

I dont blame you, maybe it's just me and my feelings getting out of hand. I know you apologised for a lot of things and I cant and I dont want to force anyone to be by my side.

I know my actions seem out of hand to both of you, but I think when Jess got included the reason I got scared was because of this number 3 always coming back in my friendships and never ending well. It's unfair of me to assume that of both of you, I apologise for that.
November was... a really rough month, even if a lot of good thing did happen too....

I wish I just went offline for a few days or a week and come back to stuff instead of blocking and soft blocking, but... I thought if I leave thats the less dramatic. Recently someone told me, they think thats more dramatic than talking about it.
I kept messaging you because I wanted to feel better and to heal, not to annoy you or Jess. Maybe it was selfish....

I have been soft blocking and unfollowing people as well, because.... I decided to follow only people I am close to, or do interact with. People who I dont talk to and we never became close, I removed them from my TL.
I was thinking maybe Jess thinks the reason I removed a few of our mutuals is because of her or something, but that's not the reason. I still have lots of mutuals with both of you, I just removed people I dont interact with. It has nothing to do with you guys, just my decision and... because you know Momo (Ashikiba's mun on twitter RP), told me she thought we are not friends anymore because I dont talk to her anymore.
I didnt want to make my friends feel lonely and I dont want to miss out on things. I dont have a locked account, just this one, I cant keep up with 2OO accounts, I have about 14O now.... I unfollowed a lot. my tl is more clean, its better, I can keep up with things atm.

I miss both of you, especially Jess, maybe because she deserved much better from me.

I can't do more than to give my honesty and try to reach out, even if it's unwanted.

Selfish or not, I really just wish to have one more chance, even if just for talk and then agreeing to stop all of this.

I am really... in a bad state emotionally. Maybe because I know I hurt her and ah, its snowing again..... its nice. Okay, ah, ok....

It's not like I don't miss you too, I am just scared of trusting.... but I want to solve this or just end this in a better note, because I can't go without a day of crying because of this issue.

I really would like to hear your story and hers too, I.... have never tried to reach out to someone this hard before.

Couldn't we... have a talk? The three of us?