Hi, I'm Blaze.
This is gonna be heavy, and I want it to be. I want to talk about my experience in Smallant1's discord. Before I start I just want to say, I don't want people to take pitty on me. All I want is for people to read it, and know that I said it.

After my social life took a deep dive, I needed friends. Plain and simple. Something to keep me going, to motivate me, to give my life a purpose. Something to give my life reason. In a fantastic stroke of what I considered luck, I joined Smallant1's discord server. The first month was more or less good. But I when I joined VC for the first time I decided to make myself out as more likable in order to make new friends, closer ones that just ones I chat with through text. In other words, I acted fake. it wasn't me talking. It was the person I thought people would like that was.

It worked great and I had a fun stream to watch aswell during my free time. After a couple of weeks in VC I started to break character a bit. People didn't seem to like it that much tho so I kept it to a minimum. Things were going great and as the school year was rapping up, I couldn't wait to spend more time talking with my new friends over summer break.

Unfortunately, an incident happened that would change peoples perception of me. I got angry and did some shitty stuff. At this point I broke character frequently and people seemed to like my presence in VC less and less. I felt like a pain to deal with. It was midsummer though and I had no friends IRL anymore. I tried being nicer but it seemed people only knew me for my slip-ups now, and my reputation was ruined.

Luckily there were some people outside of VC that kept me going. I stopped frequenting VC since hardly anyone would willingly want to talk with me anymore. Since that happened I wanted to show my true colors, and nothing else. I didn't care what people thought of me, I wanted to find people that liked me for me. And I did.

I was still quite sad about losing my friends in VC and it made me think about the times I'd never get to experience again. I saw those people in VC and thought "Hey, I should join!" Which was immediately countered with "Well, it's not like they want me there". I just wanted to be happy, but I ruined it for myself. Ever since then, whenever I though of Smallant1, I just thought of all the mistakes a made, and how much of an idiot I was for making them. And how it's was all my fault that this happened

Thank God all mighty that Lycel started streaming and made her discord server. I felt like she was one of my only friends left. I loved watching streams and chatting on her discord. It was wonderful. I even got moderator which, believe me made me extraordinary happy. I felt like I had a purpose again.

Ever since, things have been great and I feel like people like me for me. It's amazing! Now that's all been great and as of yesterday I decided to rejoin ants discord. I was happy. But I woke up the next morning and though, was I really happy. Did I really want to be there. I would see the people in VC and it just brought up those sad memories again. Not even 24 hours and I was gone again. I finally came to terms with the fact that, I didn't need to be there anymore. I didn't WANT to be there anymore. All I could ever want was in Lycel's server already.

If you made it this far, thank you. Thank so much. I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to say what I felt. Thank you. Just, thank you.