That dumb fucking email

You wanted me to open up and talk about my emotions and explain why I behave in certain ways. Nothing too extreme has scarred me that led to my depression. It simply happened because of past events.

My depression first came along when I had terrible insomnia and could barely sleep in my Sophomore year. I would stay in bed and literally pray for at least thirty minutes of sleep before the alarm blared. My enjoyment for school started to dwindle mainly because of this. I couldn't explain this to my mother because she'd assume things like my phone kept me up or that I'm getting bullied. I couldn't explain how I felt because of this and she began to lose my trust. She'd always blame herself but I don't blame her. She's just being a mother. I began to develop a fear that people would react the same way as my mother and I couldn't open myself up. I felt lost.

Throughout my first three years of high school I had to overcome a lot of issues at home and at school. The main thing I had to deal with bigotry at school and at home. At school the racial slurs people spouted really put me down and I was very surprised at the teachers not having a response when a student spouts slurs and regurgitates racist political views then looks at me as if I wasn't welcome in the classroom. "Freedom of speech" was the excuse. Boy, was that excuse pathetic. I felt like I couldn't trust most of the teachers since it seemed like they didn't care! I had to go to friends and certain teachers to talk about it. I never said the names of the people who verbally harassed me due to fear. It happens.

The bigotry at home wasn't towards me mainly but I was secluded for being different. My brother told the family he's a homosexual in my freshman year. Keep in mind that my family has strong and strict religious background. You know the rest. I supported my brother and helped him keep his motivation. I was shunned for this and had to argue with a lot of family members. Even though things have cooled down, I'm not getting over the fact that I'll "burn in hell for eternity". I lost my views in god because of this. I really liked church but this just killed it for me. It was the only thing that gave me hope in humanity.

I recently told you about the death of my grandfather. My mother said that I shouldn't be affected too much by it and that's ridiculous. He was a great man who enjoyed the littlest of things in life. I wish I could've told him that I loved him before he passed. The last thing he told me when I visited him last year was "You'll go places. Just work hard.". The hug he gave got to me. I can't stop replaying that memory and my throat gets dry and my eyes tear up every time I see a picture of him. Like my grandmother, I'm in denial of his death. It's hard to accept the fact that he's gone. But like everyone says, "Life goes on."

I appreciate the fact that you're giving me another shot in this program. I appreciate your effort in keeping me in Upward Bound and for lecturing me even if it's harsh. I hope I can continue being part of this family and to evolve into a better student. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for everything.