Passing the Time (Part One)

“This is lame.” Phase sighed over the old wooden table.
“We could play Monopoly again.” Louise glared over the Dungeon Master screen.
“I retract my statement, but reserve the right to mockery.”
“Okay, so has everyone rolled their characters?” Louise asked cheerily, looking down over the players from her perch on the bar stool. Without explanation, Mr Wong had produced at request a battered wooden table and six chairs, none of which matched. The chorus of assent, in varying levels of enthusiasm, answered her. “Okay then, you are all in the tavern of a small town, and have met to answer a request for help posted by a local farmer whose crops are being taken by a band of goblin brigands. Would you like to introduce yourselves?”
Insingem leapt to her feet from her beaten-up La-Z-Boy, and proclaimed in a heroic voice, “I am Gemshine, defender of the innocent and enemy of evil, and I am a paladin of Asmodeus!”
“Insingem, you can't be a paladin of Asmodeus.” Louise told her patiently.
“Why not? I know it says that devils are Lawful Evil, but I'm a devil and I'm not evil so I can follow Asmodeus and still be Good, right?”
Louise weighed the amount of time it would take to work through this against how much difference it would make, and decided to just let her have it, “Okay, fine.”
“And also this is my squire, Ecor..” Insingem gestured to Core. “She's a bard.”
Core acknowledged this by remaining silent and perfectly upright in her beanbag, giving the shallowest nod possible.
Damien cleared his throat and moved to get comfortable on his high-backed dining room chair, “I am Richtus, a worker of magics and spells and whatnots. And I'm an elf, as you can surely tell.”
Phase leaned back in the wicker chair and put her feet on the table, “My character's called Stabby. They're a rogue.”
“Phase, at least roleplay for this bit.” Louise said with exasperation.
Heaving a huge sigh and leaning back over the table, Phase said, “I'm called Stabby. I'm a rogue.” with precisely the same tone and emphasis, capped with a pointed stare to Louise.
“Close enough.”
Will nervously looked at his character sheet, glancing up and down before beginning. “I am Jez. I'm a cleric of Pelor.” On his pouffe, his chin barely cleared the tabletop.
“Okay, it is midmorning and the tavern is populated by a few early drinkers and the staff. The f-”
“Are there any wenches?” Phase asked.
“What?”
“You heard me. If there are any wenches, Stabby makes eyes at them.”
“Fine, there's a barmaid, she ignores you. The farm you hope to save is half an hour's walk south of the town. What do you wish to do?”
“I go up to the bar and start hitting on the barmaid.” Phase said immediately.
Louise pinched her nose in exasperation, and asked without looking up, “What do you actually say?”
Phase thought about this for a moment, “I pull out my knife and say, 'I'm looking for a good sheath.”
“Roll diplomacy.” Louise said with a kind of tired disappointment.
Phase rolled the die. “I got a 7.”
“So what's the result?”
“Seven.”
“You don't have any ranks in Diplomacy?”
“No.”
“What's your charisma?”
“Eight.”
“Then the result is a 6, minus 2 for making the line sound like a threat. The barmaid seems really offput by your advances, and is practically frightened.”
“Okay, I take my knife and-” At that point Core silently placed a hand over Phase's mouth, made a little bleep, and then spoke in a lilting, youthful voice a million miles removed from the cold tones Core normally used in the most sparing fashion.
“I apologise, good lady, for my cohort's behaviour. I assure you, she was overcome by your beauty and merely could not contain herself. You need not fear.”
With a small smile, Louise told her, “Roll diplomacy.”
The gynoid obliged, and the face showed a 20. She lifted her character sheet for Louise to see.
“Okay, altogether that's a result of 26. The barmaid smiles at you and giggles. 'It's quite all right, miss. Can I help you with anything?'”
With her hand still clamped on Phase's face, Core continued in her bard's voice, “Well, sweet lady, if you could furnish my fellows and I with knowledge of the nearby area, I'm sure it would be quite the boon to our quest to rid your local farms of goblin thieves.”
“She leans on the bar and asks 'Well what would you like to know?'”
Phase grumpily fell back into her chair.
A few minutes later, Louise said “With a wink, she says 'Be sure to tell me when you're back in town.'”
“Of course,” Core said in her bardic voice, doffing an imaginary hat, then continued in her normal voice, “I tell the party what I found out.”
“Excellent job, Ecor! With this information, we can plan a raid of the goblin dens right away!”
“Good job, that bard.” Said Damien in an old white man voice.
"Okay, so are you guys leaving the tavern?"