Donmindme

Dullahan editing

Nov 8th, 2018
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  1. >[say: Like... A date? With me? How romantic, [name]!],
  2. Remove the comma at the end.
  3. >between unease, curiosity and then eagerness
  4. Oxford comma. Also, the "then" is kind of weird here, as "shifts between" implies free variation rather than a specific order. You might want to consider making it "from X to Y" or something.
  5. >Good enough for you. Now where to go..?
  6. Extra space
  7. >She says, crossing her arms.
  8. Lowercase "she"
  9. >You propose your plan to her and she eagerly accepts.
  10. Comma after "her"
  11. >You can't just let that one slide, of course. You ask her if her father would approve of such a thing if you haven't even paid him her bridewealth. A playful but rather strong punch on your ribs is her only answer. You chuckle while nodding in agreement.
  12. I'll note that this entire section might be a bit too specific for the PC, given that not everyone's going to be playing a snarky character.
  13. >You take a nearby stick, skewer the fish and hold it over the fire
  14. Oxford comma.
  15. >She then places the candles in the ground around the cloth and lighting them.
  16. Mild repetition of "place," and it should be "lights."
  17. >evidently excited but a bit anxious over what's technically her first date ever.
  18. It's weird that the champion knows her emotional state this precisely, and has she ever actually said that this is her very first date?
  19. >You sit down closely in front of her, from where even a whisper would over the rustling canopy and other nightly noises.
  20. Missing a verb there. "From where" also strikes me as a bit awkward, but I don't know how it'd feel after the first fix.
  21. >The candles dimly outline
  22. Repetition of "dimly"
  23. >She hesitates for a moment, but decides to take a bite anyway.
  24. No comma (only linking verbs)
  25. >You nod, and mention that it's nice to eat some meat every once in a while.
  26. No comma (same reason) **Also, you're being insensitive to vegetarian players, you bastard.**
  27. >You nod, and tell her
  28. Repetition of "you nod" and the same comma issue
  29. >she breaks the silence with a question.
  30. What follows is not a question. There's a few statements and even an interruption in the dialogue before you get there, so you might want to consider changing this.
  31. >You are about to answer with one of several choices as usual, but are interrupted.
  32. The silly mode makes this joke (which I do like) obvious, but I wonder if it might not work if you don't know what it's supposed to be. Would "one of the several choices at the bottom" be laying it on too thick?
  33. >Catching herself, she sighs and relaxes a bit.
  34. This comes right after the silly mode conditional, but they don't make sense together, as this wouldn't interrupt you.
  35. >Evelyn remained silent
  36. You should probably add some kind of time period to justify the past tense. The rest of the sentence makes it clear, but a "through" would help you a lot (alternatively you could also change it to present).
  37. >twirling her hair waiting patiently for most of the time
  38. You need an "and" or a "while" or something after "hair."
  39. >Upon seeing you finish she asks [say: How was it?]
  40. Comma after "asks" and optionally after "finish"
  41. >You ask her why she would ask something like that,
  42. I'm not a fan of the repetition of "ask" here, but if you like it, feel free to ignore this. The comma is a bit weird too.
  43. >That you found such reasons to touch my heart.
  44. "That" doesn't strike me as an acceptable start to her answer here. What question would prompt this? It's not the "That you X is/makes me Y" construction either.
  45. >I somehow feel blessed
  46. Period at the end
  47. >…
  48. There are several instances of special ellipses in this. Given that they're intermixed with the normal ones, I assume they were added later or something. I'm not going to note down every one, as find/replace should do the trick.
  49. >She lets out a small distinctive moan
  50. What do you mean by "distinctive"? Does no one moan like dead girls? Have you verified this? **I live close enough to a cemetery to check.**
  51. >Your hands start exploring the newly exposed skin on her back.
  52. Extra space
  53. >The skin is soft yet there is plenty of surface tension from the muscles in her back.
  54. There's repetition of "skin" (using a pronoun would be better), a missing comma after "soft," and "surface tension" doesn't work here, unless she's suddenly made of goo or something.
  55. >She stops nibbling and breathes another whisper into your ear,
  56. This isn't actually a dialogue tag, which means that this is a comma splice.
  57. >Don’t
  58. That's a special apostrophe, which should also probably be find/replaced
  59. >A tightened squeeze gives a handful of her firm ass
  60. There should at the very least be a "you" after "gives," but the resulting construction still sounds strange.
  61. >The sound of her pleasured sighs and the feeling of her body makes
  62. Compound subject, so it should be "make."
  63. >You take an appreciative look at the naked form
  64. Using "the" instead of "her" here feels pretty strange without some additional specification (e.g., "the naked form before you")
  65. >She manages to trap your tongue in her lips, and gently sucks it into her mouth while caressing what she caught with her own tongue.
  66. Shouldn't be a comma here
  67. >Her pussy is wet enough to drip her warm fluids through the soaked cloth of her panties, lubricating your manhood.
  68. I don't think the transitive version of "drip" can take "through" as well (and a cursory search through google ngram seems to support this).
  69. >separating the slit open with its overhead width.
  70. You can't "separate X open," and what even is "overhead width"?
  71. >A familiar cold chill goes down your spine as you realize her body seems to be picking up on your desire.
  72. I'm not sure that the player has to have sex with her to get this scene, so this might be confusing.
  73. >An arm releases you and the hand moves down to pull the cloth of the panties to the side, presenting the enticing blue cunt to your cock.
  74. You haven't mentioned her arms previously in this scene, so I don't know how they're releasing you now. Also, why aren't all of these "the"s "her"s? I feel like zero of the articles in this sentence make sense. Even if you're trying to make it depersonalized, the definiteness is pretty wonky here.
  75. >You soon acknowledge you’re under some type of manipulation
  76. "Acknowledge" feels weird because you're not saying this out loud/to anybody.
  77. >begin to push it so that the tip will line to her slit’s entrance…
  78. Dunno why "line" is future tense, and it should be "line up with."
  79. >…...
  80. I'm glad you gave it a friend, but ellipses are meant to live alone.
  81. >Evelyn’s head however is so lost in focusing on you right now she doesn't even seem to have noticed a short loss of control.
  82. This "however" should probably have commas around it. Also, the last sentence had "lose" in it, and you have "lost" and "loss" here, which strikes me as a bit much.
  83. >You begin to relax again but the intense feeling of lust still remains.
  84. Comma after "again"
  85. >Her hollow eyes look straight through you and she voices a simple affirmation.
  86. Comma after "you"
  87. >Her soft yet strong thighs are covered in her warm lusty fluid
  88. Repetition of "thighs"
  89. >topside of your shaft, the lips of which quiver in delight of having her lover’s rod so close.
  90. "The lips of which" comes after "shaft" but is obviously meant to modify "cunt," so you should probably restructure this sentence.
  91. >Looking at her face, her tongue now lulls lazily in her now wide open mouth and her still hollow eyes now gaze upwards into nothingness.
  92. Should be a comma after "mouth," and this seems a bit early for her to be ahegao'd
  93. >The naughty state of her face
  94. Bizarre wording like this really takes me out of the scene.
  95. >cups the head of your cock, rolling her palm over the nearly bursting head.
  96. >as you try to press the head of your cock into the flesh of her hand further.
  97. >This causes her to grasp onto the head of your cock harder so as to not lose it
  98. You use "cock" four times in this paragraph, and the repetition of "head" is just as bad. Also, the constant comparatives started to feel a bit repetitive too. Focusing just on that last sentence, it should be "so as not to," and what do you mean by "lose it"? Why would she lose your cock? If you mean "lose it" in the sense of "go crazy," I don't see how her actions relate to not doing that.
  99. >You shudder and begin to thrash from the intense orgasm but her thighs only tighten on you
  100. There should be a comma after "orgasm," and it should also probably be "around you" at the end.
  101. >You shoot your load into the palm that is cupped over your cock’s head, letting the excess she couldn't hold ooze out onto her ass and legs.
  102. Another "cock" and another "head." Also, you're not really "letting" the excess ooze out. You could say she is, but there's no "she" in the main clause for the "letting" to modify.
  103. >climaxing on the top of your cock.
  104. Probably just "on top of" given that the actual top of your dick is in her hand (and do I need to mention "cock"?)
  105. >The hand that was holding your cum find
  106. s
  107. >blue slit
  108. I think you describe her body parts as "blue" a bit too frequently. There are other options like "pale."
  109. >[name]’s cum… inside.. Mmmm..
  110. Those should be actual ellipses, and I don't know about the generic hentai dialogue here.
  111. >Anyways, it’s not often you get to see your spunk oozing out of her, especially not in such a dim lighting.
  112. Aw yeah, dim lighting, fuckin' hot.
  113. >Nor do you see her be this lost in her lust.
  114. You need something like the "often" in the last sentence.
  115. >You could tease her for this slutty display but opt not to, you don’t have the energy and you best just let her enjoy her moment.
  116. This is a comma splice (which can stay if you really want to). There should also be a comma after "energy." Finally, "you best" feels off-tone for narration.
  117. >as your feminine fluids starting mixing with one another
  118. Should be "start"
  119. >Your own attention is focused on the intermingling between the soft skin of her blue labia and your own.
  120. The first "your own" doesn't really contrast with where her attention's focused and causes a repetition issue.
  121. >Evelyn disengages the kiss and requests that she service you with her mouth while she fingers herself.
  122. This sounds super mechanical/unsexy to me.
  123. >You bring her head down between both of your legs to face both of your sensitive sexes
  124. Repetition of "bring" and "both of."
  125. >Evelyn looks up at your face with an expression of eagerness to go through on what is now clearly your plan.
  126. Should be "to go through with," but even with that, everything after "eagerness" still sounds awkward.
  127. >She slams her tongue into her own wanting hole and her body immediately begins fidgeting from what comes from many decades of self practice.
  128. "Slam" strikes me as not quite fitting. I haven't really commented on your usage of "wanting" before, but it means "lacking" not "desirous." Also, there should be a comma after "hole." Lastly, "from what comes from [...]" is incredibly awkward in addition to the fact that you don't know about these "decades," do you? You need a "probably" or something.
  129. >obscenely ride her head
  130. Don't see how you can really ride someone's forehead, or even how rubbing against one would be that pleasurable.
  131. >The dullahan picks up on your lust and her hands reach down to your pussy to delicately stroke it.
  132. She's beneath you right now.
  133. >Her fingers are nearly as skilled as her tongue
  134. But she hasn't used her tongue on you yet.
  135. >so as to not lose control.
  136. so as not to
  137. >as opposed to the gentle massaging
  138. You need something like "from earlier" to justify the definite article.
  139. >She moans loudly against her own cunt, seeming to get as much pleasure from pleasing you as she is getting from licking herself.
  140. Seems like a repetition issue with "pleasure," which also pops up in the next sentence.
  141. >However, she slows her hands once she senses your impending orgasm and manages to speak
  142. Needs a period.
  143. >in an attempt to finish you off inside her mouth.
  144. You're not in her mouth; her tongue's in you.
  145. >Your hand places its fingers inside her cold blue cunt, trying to match the tenacity of her fingers.
  146. You use "fingers" very, very frequently in this passage, and why "Your hand place its fingers"? Seems weird to construe the action that way unless you're being controlled.
  147. >It was enough to finally push you over the edge.
  148. Why past tense?
  149. >She continues to rub your clit and invade your sensitive hole with her skilled tongue.
  150. Repetition of "invade"
  151. >Instead, you hunch over,
  152. Instead of what? The previous sentence implies you are actually thrashing, not just that you're about to start.
  153. >freeing her hand from your chest
  154. It's not like anything was preventing her from taking her hand away.
  155. >You feel like you could collapse but Evelyn’s body
  156. Comma after "collapse"
  157. >However, you have not forgotten to continue fingering her.
  158. Why "however"?
  159. >As a pseudo-revenge
  160. Revenge for what? Making you cum? You might want to include some detail about how her continued actions are unpleasant for you if that's what you intend.
  161. >Evelyn’s eyes open wide, as it would seem that was enough to push her over the edge.
  162. I'm not feeling this "as it would seem" as a linker for these two halves. Also, what exactly is the "that" that pushes her over the edge? Your moan? This confusion might be more of a me problem, so I don't know for a fact if you need to specify something more here.
  163. >Her vagina clamps down hard on your fingers and she stops her tongue work to let out a scream
  164. Comma after "fingers," and I might hyphenate "tongue work."
  165. >Her body hunches over from the sensation
  166. Your body would block her from hunching over, and you already used this verb pretty recently, so I'd recommend a change.
  167. >too much to bare for her
  168. bear
  169. >aside one another
  170. beside
  171. >[say: That was amazing, as always.]
  172. You probably want a dialogue tag here.
  173. > You both take a minute to relax, catching breaths.
  174. "Catch a breath" is too idiomatic to be changed like this, and it doesn't fit the context super well anyway.
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