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- >You are a soldier with 1st Battalion, 18th Infantry Regiment.
- >You're currently on the 14th tee at Shaker Heights Country Club, but you're not playing golf.
- >As with almost everywhere near Cleveland, fluffy ponies waddle through the landscape.
- >You have your binoculars trained on some strange looking fluffies.
- >They're larger than the rest, and all white, with empty blue eyes.
- >There's a clump of about two dozen, slowly walking around.
- >They only break ranks when approached by regular fluffies.
- >Every time this happens, they attack those fluffies and kill them.
- “Sergeant, you wouldn't believe what I'm looking at.”
- >You pass along this info to your NCO, who then sends it up to the company commander.
- >Your squad continues to watch the white fluffies, who are about a hundred meters away.
- >They reach an orange, bloated fluffy dam stuck in a sandtrap.
- >”New fwiends, pwease hewp mumma! No can woll! Am stuck!”
- >Two of the whites walk over to her.
- >One grabs her tail, and the other grabs the stubby horn on her head.
- >They start yanking in opposite directions.
- >”Nuuuuuuu! Why huwt mumma?! Mumma good fwuffy, pwease no huwt babehs!”
- >The other whites begin coming over, delivering kicks and bites to her swollen torso.
- >”Stop huwt! Stop huwt babehs!” the dam shrieks frantically.
- >With a sharp pop, she explodes out of stress.
- >The whites don't seem injured.
- >They start looking around for the foals.
- >Once they find all four, they begin stomping the chirping creatures.
- >After they fall silent, the whites regroup and begin moving again.
- >It's not long before they encounter a large herd of regular fluffies.
- >”Smawty fwiend say dese ow gwassies, big fwuffies go 'way!”
- >A bluish-green earth fluffy seems to be in charge of the regulars.
- >He stomps and puffs and generally looks like a moron.
- >The whites say nothing in response.
- >They surround the smarty and begin tearing him apart.
- >”Nuuuuuuuuuuu! HEWP FWUFFY!” he screams, thrashing around and flinging blood all over the whites.
- >Once he's dead, the whites are charged by the herd.
- >Despite being outnumbered five to one, they annihilate the regulars with graceful ease.
- >The massacre is punctuated by the rounding up of the regular fillies and colts.
- >They are systematically executed by having their heads bitten off.
- >Suddenly, one of the whites looks at you.
- >They all turn to face you, but just stand there and stare.
- >You take the squad and walk over to investigate.
- “Why are you killing these fluffy ponies?”
- >They stare up at you.
- >”No huwt fwuffies. Fwuffies haf acciden'.”
- “I just watched you kill them all.”
- >”Fuzzies no huwt fwuffies.”
- >Fuzzies, huh?
- “Well...don't mind us. Go kill some more fluffies.”
- >They stand up as one, waddling off.
- >However, they don't attack any other fluffies that come near them.
- >With a shrug, you head back up the course to your Humvee.
- >As soon as you get there, you can hear the screams of fluffy ponies behind you once again.
- >Another herd is being destroyed.
- >Young fluffies are torn apart as their parents beat helplessly on the bigger fuzzies.
- >When the little ones are dealt with, their elders are annihilated.
- >This continues again the next day.
- >You see roving packs of fuzzies slaughtering fluffy ponies.
- >They always stop when they realize they're being watched by humans.
- >Once you move away, they return to murdergasming the moment they think you've left.
- >Your company commander asks 1st Infantry Division what the policy is on these things.
- >The reply comes down from the Major General himself:
- >”If it's fluffy and pony-shaped, kill it.”
- >Very well.
- >Your patrol moves down Fairmount Boulevard, shooting at fluffy ponies and fuzzies alike.
- >The Sergeant has a little fun with some of the fuzzies.
- >”Hey, you.”
- >”Hewwo, hooman.”
- >”Stand here and let me shoot you.”
- >”Okay. Fuzzies do wha’ hooman say.”
- >He shoots one right in the head with his M9.
- >The fuzzies around it don't even flinch.
- >”You gotta be shittin' me.”
- >They obediently remain there until the last one has been killed.
- >A klick east, you find some more.
- >They're soaked with blood, enveloped by dead fluffy ponies.
- “Hey, let me try this time, sir.”
- >”Go for it.”
- ”Hey, fuzzies!”
- >A hollow chorus of 'hewwo, hooman'.
- “I command you to die.”
- >They look at each other, then up at you again.
- >”Okay, if hooman say so.”
- >They twitch a little.
- >A few begin falling over, their eyes bulging out.
- >When they've all collapsed and gone still, you reach down and feel their bodies.
- “Shit, they really did die!”
- >Everyone else in your patrol is laughing as they mount up again.
- >You're just creeped the fuck out.
- >Maybe you should be shooting the geneticists that designed these things, and not the fuzzies.
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