Happiness : Epilogue

(This is part of a multi-chapter story. If you haven't read the first one, go to https://pastebin.com/CTTP7bMU)


                                                     Happiness : Epilogue


A year later

I unwrap a piece of gum, but when I put it in my mouth, I realize I already had one; I simply forgot to chew it. Why am I so nervous?
I stifle a laugh... Jeez, why would I NOT be nervous right now? There's like a million things that could go so very, very wrong.

Things had been going well for months, perhaps a little too well... I think Kaori knew first, even though she couldn't explain it. But she had been acting differently for a good month before I even saw any physical change in her. First time I saw a little curve on her belly, I thought maybe I was just feeding her too much... But when it kept growing more and more, I had to admit it to myself; It wasn't just food in there.

When I realized it, I felt the same thing most guys probably feel in that situation, especially the first time. A strange mix of joy, worry, even fear... But considering our situation, I had a lot more reason to be worried, than the average new father-to-be. And - like many guys worried about such things - I first thought about something I always considered unthinkable for me... Having Kaori get an abortion. Part of me felt like it was horrible to do this without her consent... Part of me felt like it wasn't as bad because she wouldn't understand any of it anyway. But somehow this only made it worse for me.

After a time I realized... It wasn't right. None of it was right of course, but I would put an end to the wrong-doings there. To some of them, anyway. I would let nature take its course. Kaori would have that baby. With my contacts, it wasn't difficult to find a team of people who could help me with that, and keep it to themselves. It wasn't the cream of the crop, but they were reliable enough to assist me. I could probably deliver it with my eyes closed, anyway... If I didn't faint upon seeing my daughter for the first time, that was.

I was ready for this, preparing myself for this, when I got the good news by mail; I would have a top-notch obstetrician with me, I wouldn't even have to deliver the baby. I could just wait and worry, like most new fathers do, holding their wives or girlfriends' hands and telling them to breathe, breathe, breathe, like they would forget if their husbands and boyfriends didn't remind them...
Only in my case, I couldn't hold her hand. No more than I could whisper some reassuring words to her ears...

Hisao: 'Hold on, Kaori. It's coming!'

...But it never stopped me from doing it anyway.
When Kaori is nervous about something, I usually hug her, pat her head, carry her in my arms... But I can't do any of this now. I would caress her, give her a gentle touch, just to remind her I'm here with her, but that'd still be too much, I'd be in the way of the people working to deliver my daughter. Plus, that obstetrician seemed freaked out already, I don't want to make this even weirder. So I settled for simply resting my hand on her shoulder, trying to make myself as little as possible. I feel so utterly useless.

I wish I knew what's inside Kaori's mind at this moment, or for the past months. Does she realizes she's pregnant, even if she can't see it, don't know much about, well, anything? Has evolution inscribed that in our genes? I really hope she does... If she doesn't get it, has to be some horrible, confusing nightmare to her. Thankfully she seems to have been lucky with her first pregnancy; The baby is healthy, and Kaori herself is doing fine. My diet and whatever little exercises I gave her might have helped with that. She's stronger than she looks, and definitely stronger than she was when I first met her.

The moans she makes at every push reminds me of the moans I've heard hundreds of times already while giving her baths, and also when... Doing what brought us all together in this day. I avoid looking at anyone in the eyes, embarrassed. I simply look at Kaori, and listen to the medical slang being thrown around the room. I've been in enough similar situations to know exactly what everything means; I know the baby's coming out, we're almost there.

Kaori looks in so much pain, but given her condition, there isn't much we can give her as far as analgesics; Would be dangerous, both for Kaori, and the baby. Still, she seems to take it well, not the worst I've seen in a delivery room; Over the years, I've seen it all.

Suddenly, her eyes open and seems to double in size, and she makes a weird face, confused; I make sure to hold her shoulder tight, not only to remind her I'm right there at her side, and also to make sure she doesn't get the weird idea to roll out of the table. I try to be as gentle as I can, even if I have to hold her still, and to brush my thumb against her skin in a reassuring manner... Then I hear the words;

Obstetrician: 'Your daughter, Mr. Nakai!'

This time, MY eyes grow big, as I turn to look at her. My first stupid reaction is to count her limbs, even though I already knew from the ultrasound that she was perfectly healthy. I almost want to ask if she's blind, despite being aware that babies are technically all blind when they're born.

She places my daughter in my arms, and I take a moment to realize what this all means... But there's someone else who needs to take her. Someone who might not fully understand what's happening, why she feels so empty now, what that huge pain was; I place our daughter on Kaori's belly, my hands on both sides to make sure she doesn't fall. I'm worried about her reaction at first, but to my surprise, the first thing she does is to raise her head from the pillow, and plant a kiss on our daughter's forehead;

For a long while, it seems like everything in the room disappeared, everything that isn't me, Kaori and our daughter. I wonder if they all left, but I can't even take off my eyes from my family to confirm it. My family... That word came almost naturally, like we've been together for years, all three of us. But it is what it is. What we are; A family. And I feel blessed that Kaori seems to react well to it, even if she might not understand all of it just yet, or ever.

Obstetrician: 'Have you thought of a name?'

Her voice takes me off my reverie, and I reply the first thing I can think of;

Hisao: 'No, Kaori and I are still talking about it'

She looks at me like I'm crazy but, unwilling to pry or not caring about it, she doesn't add anything. It's true that we've been talking a lot more these past few months, or at least, communicating. After teaching her simple things like yes and no, we went to more complex words like more, less, hot and cold, using arm and leg motions as a simplistic version of sign language. 'Sex' too, or at least what sex is to her... Though most of the time she doesn't even sign the word, and simply rubs herself onto me until I get the message. We're not to the point where we could discuss our daughter's name together, and never will - unless we name her 'food' or 'bed' - but it's still something. I don't bother correcting myself and saying something that makes sense. I'll just think of a name later. Right now, I only want to enjoy the moment.

I take a good look at the two girls in my life now, my daughter and my... lover? Partner? I'm not quite sure what I should call her, if only in my thoughts. My... happiness? I know people often say you shouldn't depend on others for your own happiness and all that, but it's hard for me, not to do it. I never was a very happy man, until I met her... Just wandering through my life, one day at a time, not caring about anything... But everything changed now; Not only I'm feeling better, I also have hope for the future, for myself, for all three of us. My little happy family.

I know it's not always gonna be easy, and I don't have any idea how I'll explain my daughter about her mom, years from now... Will I need to lie? I don't know yet, and it's too early to care, to worry about that. Right now I only want more of this feeling I thought had left me for good, that warm sensation when everything seems to finally make sense to you, to be worth it.

I rest my head next to Kaori, kissing her on the cheek, and I place one hand on her, one on my daughter. I close my eyes to relax, just enjoy the moment, but a smile won't leave my lips, no matter how hard I try to force it off... Until I give up, and just accept it;
I'm happy.


The end.