EVE stories

Eve. Eve has and always will be a magnet for drama, grief, and morons that take themselves far too seriously.

Snowballs of Death

In EVE, there weren't towns persay. There was safe space, and the majority of the people in EVE and all the major trade was in safe space. There would be stations, police that would port in when you opened fire on another ship, etc. You could still attack and die, but usually the security would wipe the floor with any ship in safe space in a matter of seconds. Around the time I came onto the game, they were doing Christmas give outs.

One of the things I got was a snowball launcher. It was a missile launcher, only instead of missiles, it fired projectiles that just exploded in white spray when it hit your ship for no damage. For all intents and purposes, it looked like a real missile attack to someone not really paying close attention. I only had a small frigate at the time, and I hadn't gotten invited to the Goon Fleet so I set out with weapon in hand to amuse myself.

As soon as I launched from the station, I locked onto the biggest ship I saw ( a battle cruiser ) and opened fire. After three salvos of snowballs, the ship ( worth at least 30 times more than mine ) started firing back with real bullets. It was instantly obliterated by the station we were next to. I grabbed what was left in the loot can, blew the shit I couldn't carry, and flew back to the station. I made a lot of money that night with my snowball launcher.

Oh God Bees

Goons in Goon Fleet fought a lot, and it was for all intents and purposes like herding cats to get anyone to do anything. Real operations were frequently very, very boring. What goons loved, what would get you a hundred people in a matter of five minutes, was the promise of grief and pubbie tears. In EVE, when you died with no other ships in a station you got a really shitty newbie ship with almost no real weapons or health. They're awful and it requires a careful bit of equipping to get anything on one.

Well, someone figured out you could load a single light drone ( like an attack pet ) on one of these types of shit buckets. He then posed a question : How fast would a swarm of these ships with drones be able to kill something? This was a question that had to be answered! After a half hour of preparation, we had around fifty to seventy goons with these ships all holding a single drone.

Together our mighty force set out to secure space. Eventually we found a mining battle cruiser in a veldspar asteroid belt, without any real guns just sitting there. Pubbies would often go idle in safe space, under the mistaken belief that they were... Well, safe. We converged on him and started to orbit him at minimum range. It looked beautiful to see that many little ships swarming around a much larger one, that had no idea of the hell that was about to come down upon it.

"u giv mssl?" Inquired our flight lead.

"lol what are you talking about mssl?" Replied the retard.

"GIV MSSL NOW!" Demanded our leader. He told us to lock onto the target and start pinging him with our radars, which filled his screen with warning signals that he just got locked.

"wat are you going 2 do shoot me lol" He dropped his drones. Five medium drones that wouldn't have trouble popping light ships fairly quickly. The command was given and all at once fifty people dropped their drones and told them to attack. As soon as the game server was done shitting itself over the lag, the battle cruiser went up in less then ten seconds. Of course most of the little ships didn't escape the police, but they were griefing alts specifically made for that gimmick so no one gave a shit.

From that day on, the VC Bee legacy went on. Over time, people started dropping missiles on command into a can whenever we demanded it. Fifty missiles or so, ridiculously cheap and not worth anything. We'd take our prize, thank them and go. Everyone else who dared not to 'giv mssl' died in a hailstorm of angry bees.

Sing OR DIE

In EVE, a unique system evolved. It was completely possible to lock down someone's ship and prevent it from moving or attacking you, if you had the numbers and equipment. Usually when you did this as a pirate, you'd demand a ransom of money from someone. Then you'd let them go. It was expected of every 'real' pirate. Someone had an idea one night, somewhere between beers. Why did the ransom have to be money?

We made a small teamspeak server and got a group of four or five goons, then took off to a few areas I knew of. Not many people, not often in groups, scattered across an area. Just what we needed. We set our ships up to jam weapons and propulsion instead of outright fighting, then took off. When we sighted a target, we jumped in on him, locked his ship up and started orbiting outside of smart bomb range ( AoE weapons that needed no lock ).

"plz let me go ill giv u isk"

"We have demands. Log into this teamspeak server. If you don't, we'll blow up your ship right now."

The target would log into the server, though sometimes we had to walk them through getting into it our downloading teamspeak, giggling like drunken school girls while we waited. As soon as he was on, we'd make just one demand.

"Sing. Pick a song and sing it, then we'll let you go." Anyone that refused was destroyed, but more often than not the pubbies that didn't log out ( and get destroyed ) would start to sing. It was some godawful fucking singing, ranging from awful renditions of popular songs to more appropriate ones such as 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. I think some of it was recorded, but it was so long ago I'm sure I've deleted the files by now.

Little bit more.

Swatting Flies With A Sledgehammer

In Goonspace at the time, we had a problem with the occasional asshole that would fly around and do no real damage. Usually this would be someone that might kill a few newbie miners, then die, or proclaim victory over the evil goons and log out. One of these guys that became a regular was a guy called Tookar. He was annoying, but not really a threat to anyone in a big ship as he only flew tiny frigates. We couldn't kill him most of the time because he'd only attack people that were AFK or unarmed. I was feeling funny, so I equipped out a battleship with a single mining laser... And a full rack of torpedoes.

Torpedoes wouldn't even HIT a frigate unless it was standing point blank close to you, and it wasn't moving. It was for all intents and purposes like trying to destroy a sponge with a hammer. Neither the less, I was in the mood to do something stupid and off I went. I let the Raven battleship sit there, letting it mine into a can. I waited, and waited, and waited. Tookar buzzed by a few times at far away ranges, looking to see if I was afk or whatever. The single mining laser made it LOOK like I was mining, as one laser looked the same as eight.

After three peeks, he and his friend came in at point blank range and started attacking me. I immediately locked him, scrambled him, webbed him, and started attacking. It took me a full two minutes to actually KILL him with the torpedoes, but all he could do was sit there and watch as his health gradually faded away. That's the only time I ever saw a frigate die to a torpedo.

Goons Ruin Everything

The Pipe ( the area leading from our space to safe space ) was commonly filled with goon traffic, looking here and there for enemies or anything out of place. It was common knowledge that anything, anything worth note that was found on the pipe would immediately be swarmed and destroyed by the goons. One day, we found something very unusual. We found a Mothership. Think Home World in terms of scale. It was a big fucking ship, and it was oddly enough an NPC ship with a ridiculous bounty. Immediately EVERYONE in S-U ( our space ) was told to get into the biggest ship they had.

In ten minutes we had fifty or so ships, cruisers, battleships, frigates, a hodge podge armada ready to shit on someone's sandwich. We went in and we took down the ship, taking losses of course but hey, we still made out OK. Then we left.

Unknown to us, it was a GM event. In public space, a good half hour's journey up the pipe GMs had been gathering a bunch of pubbies to lead them to the mothership. They were posing as 'interstellar police' and they needed help dealing with dangerous pirates! Anyone who came with them would be richly rewarded! Pubbies being the greedy, stupid fuckers they were swarmed on this and followed the GMs in droves down the pipe only to get there twenty minutes too late. It must have been kind of awkward for the GMs.

What was exactly said was unknown, but the pubbies were very upset that someone had beaten them to the punch and demanded compensation for their time. The GMs refused, and the pubbies all swarmed them. Once the GMs were blown up and podded, it became a free for all and every pubbie started blowing up one another in a mad melee for the GM's ship loot. A goon got drawn to the area, and he said there were something like forty or fifty cans sitting around from a whole bunch of different ships. I don't know why the GMs thought it would be a good idea to spawn a massive target 5 minutes away from Goon space with the reputation we had.