i know how kai feels so much it hurts and its not like ive spent practically every day crying thinking ive made a mistake and that i should go back but. in the end, ill just go back to a place that thinks they were "tolerant" and "patient" with my mental health (jojo's words not mine) spiking up when a certain someone does so much worse on the daily. i dont completely hate anyone from there like. you know ive been there for years? i dedicated so much to them, i was so loyal, i went with everything stayed up night and day just to hang out with them. but man theyve changed. for the worse. consistently. ive known you for years and when i followed you first (because i honestly was planning on following everyone, for real, it wasnt bullshit) i thought you would at least sympathize. when you blocked me i was like maybe he didnt recognize me, i couldnt believe it, but then it came out that you blocked me because you thought i was going behind their backs it broke my heart to pieces? and throughout all this my heart just broke more and more. there wasnt a day where i didnt regret doing it, not a day where i wasnt losing my mind over it. its not like i washed my hands and moved on. its haunted me. the second message you sent me i was going to respond to. until i saw the shit jojo said clearly directed at me. even though he clearly remade to talk about this situation in private he still got back on his old account to tweet that so i can see it, that awful tweet. i said fuck it, deleted twitter and went into hiding for two weeks. i wanted to stay away from everything. at the end of the two weeks i got back on, softblocked whoever and decided that was that. some days later i blocked everyone (not just you, and it wasnt targeted, i just did it indiscriminately because i was going crazy and i have nothing to back this up but er.. yeah). i wanted everyone to just move on i think, i dont know honestly my memories of my 2018 to march 2019 are practically blank because it was that bad for me thats why i keep jumping around and nothing is making much sense, i wanted them to move on and show i didnt mean anything malicious so i tried to leave aim server but couldnt, realized i was owner so i gave it to whoever i saw first which i think was nezu or daryl and went on. i dont think i did anything after that, my friend who has my main account later told me i had a dm on my acc a month later (i genuinely, genuinely have no access to it please believe me) so i was like ... okay whats up what did she send? and it was just her asking for server admin stuff, thats the only msg i got from angel at any point... like after that i just tried to live my life. thats all. if what i did hurt them im sorry, but i got a peak of their true colors through what jojo said. four years for what? theyre okay with being verbally abused by you know who on the daily but me having a hard time for a while suddenly is them being sick and tired of being "tolerant" and "patient" with me? i was so hurt. i dont think i can ever get over it. i dont want to be friends with people like that. daryl who wont even stop talking about a phobia of mine that causes me to panic because im restricting him and "suffocating" him, something so rare that he wouldnt talk about it in a month of fucking sundays. getting scolded for asking for something so simple. and that one time when i said awful things, very awful things to you yes but since i didnt follow aim accounts on my main aside from daryls iirc... (i apologized about that after he pointed out your tweets and i continue to apologize. im still very sorry. i dont know if apologizing even a million times is enough) anyway his response was okay bitch, im going to softblock you now, like literally no warning he just tweets that and thats my first alert to what happened. he was just looking for a reason to drop me but i didnt really think that, but it was clear i meant nothing to him if his reasoning was "when i vent you are never there" like do i have to be there 24/7???????? i live in an entirely different timezone and i swear to god genuinely cross my heart and hope to die that even when i do stick around and try to comfort him its always like 3 AM. i was going to sleep anyway. him going around picking on everyone and bullying people (No you dont. kind of crud) and generally just being a total menace without any checks or balances. is that okay? it really isnt. my memorys really bad and i forgot so much of my time with them probably just my brain trying to protect me or whatever but there are things ill never forget. this is the only example that isnt about me but daryl dropping zera because they didnt see abbys drawing. just like that, like, kicked out for no reason when they were clearly preoccupied i just. dont get it. thats all i have to say about that ever, but he clearly saw things in his own selfish light under the guise of caring about others. he uses people as an excuse to get rid of others. its bullshit. and its not just daryl, even if theyre being abused by him, they spent months talking shit about leiv to his face and behind his back but let him back in just fine even though i think everyone except maybe angel still didnt like him? i dont like leiv, hes kind of a creep and i dont like hin as a person generally, so i completely avoided him at the time and refused to refollow or interact. things are gonna be a bit more chronological now i guess bc ive been digging through my screenshots and my vent... that was the first straw i think. i just couldnt stand that. this stupid "group morale" concept. bringing back someone they hate just to fill the void. i dont think they hate me at all, and i know theyre good people, but this closed TL nonsense has ruined us all mentally and i realized i needed out. at first i was just going to leave daryl behind, and like i said before i was going to follow everyone but what jojo did made me realize everything. and no... it wasnt just that ONE thing. it wasnt that ONE thing that made me read them all for filth... i wish i could remember all the things that made me decide but i really... really dont remember those months. the thing is i cant change you guys. i would love to see everyone (well, mostly you honestly) free of this and changed but i realized the only thing i have control over is myself. i realized that after years of having to put in double the effort just to be a part of things, literally ignoring everyone else, all my other friends sometimes for months on end for this group, making compromises in my own irl just to be 200% with these people only for a short mental health thing to be seen as a problem and something they need to be tolerant of like some kind of buzzing insect... i really cant. not when everyone excuses the same thing from mister daryl on a daily basis. thinking that im selfish enough and stupid enough to leave an entire group of people i love for something as frivolous as curiouscat? over *ariana grande*?? and hell.. over elliot? it wasnt "im sad because i miss hind" "im hurt because she did this i thought she was my friend" the narrative was very much "shes making the group fall apart" "people are leaving this is bad" "she went behind OUR backs"
was i their friend? like, each and every one of them, did i ever matter? i was hind who was part of aimcru and not really hind who is my friend. thats what was conveyed to me. i was really tired of putting so much extra effort when over that year i realized that normally, under normal circumstances, most people are friends with you if you just engage them. i was tired of constantly fighting an uphill battle with people who took me for granted, so i changed my mind and left for good. i think nothing changed probably. it just hurts thinking im being compared to ria and kirry or whatever and like whatever, they can think that, but im hurt that you would think that? i think it was you venting about daryl that opened my eyes about things. i was so blindly loyal and in love with the group before then. i never told anyone but zera like very recently but, did you know people constantly told me to leave aim for YEARS? i would blow them off. i would say thats how things are. i made a million excuses, but they were right. and ive gotten better since i left... arguably? arguably because things have also gotten so bad for me. im constantly having nightmares about everyone sitting in a circle and talking shit about me and tearing me apart... no matter what i cant not love them. to this day. like i cant not. i may have forgotten a lot but i backed up my old computer recently, aim used to be so much fun. the screenshots and even the one thing you cant replace video that had all our old characters. i just collapsed crying but that isnt anything special, ive been crying more than usual every day ever since i left. literal nightmares. i cant sleep. i cant fully hate anyone. its like, i dont know? im definitely better mentally now but i feel like i have phantom pain all the time, dirty for existing outside of there. i genuinely wish you the best, but i dont want to be involved with any of that anymore. i acted on my words. i finally left like i said i would on my vent a million times. its hard and its impacted me so badly but i also found myself through it (or not i dont even know). all i have to say is that i dont mind waiting for you whenever you do the same, because trust me its... really not worth it. its not. im sorry i did this to you, i dont think i was even able to do this whole thing justice but its not like i didnt suffer because of this. im suffering every day. its four years of my life just gone down the gutter. i love you and wish you the best, but i cant follow in this. i do not want to be around those people or that freak daryl. thats all i have to say, good luck and i wish you the best. im sorry it had to end like this, please think of me well in the end. my heart already cant take much more and im sorry if this isnt convincing. ive really just forgotten everything. my mind just collapsed somewhere along the line and slowly i forgot more and more things. i hope this is enough to give you peace of mind, i dont want you to hurt.