loveterror

*tone is awkward, heavy with the sense of undisclosed feelings*

Hey. You... you look good. Especially for someone who got ran the Hell over. *nervous laugh*

You wondered if I would show up? Hey, I visited you at the hospital! Not many fuck buddies would do that. You think I'd bail now that we're finally getting back to the fun part? Besides, you have any idea how awkward it was sitting next to your mother in the waiting room and having to explain exactly what our non-relationship is? "Oh, your son and I met up at a club while totally wasted and hooked up in the storage closet. Since then, I've shown up at his apartment for a no-strings-attached plowing every Saturday." You owe me the best fuck of my LIFE after that. She was ready to break out the holy water on me.

Oh, I should go easy 'cause you're the walking wounded? I don't recall any broken hips on your chart: Your ass can thrust just fine. *slaps his ass; suddenly panic in your voice* Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't know it would hurt you that much! Oh God... Oh God... Here, just settle down to floor... Sit in my lap... *your breathing steadies as you hold him close* Just... relax... relax... Huh? You are relaxed? I guess... I guess I was talking more to myself than anyone else.

Am I alright? Fuck, am I ever? You know better than to ask that question. Everyone in my life has been a piece of shit. I know you haven't been falling asleep THAT quickly during our "afterglow chats".

...No, I guess YOU haven't been a piece of shit. *wistfully* And... you are part of my life.

*irritated* Ugh, fine, I'm not alright! My head's been fucked up ever since I showed up that Saturday and you weren't here. We've been doing this for two years solid and you--you never missed a single weekend, no matter what. That's how I knew something was wrong.

*straight-up angry* Did I really need a fuck that badly? Fuck you, asshole! When you weren't here... and when I finally found the hospital you were in... my head started filling with all sorts of bullshit and I haven't been able to get it out since! I haven't been able to sleep, I can't focus, and it never stops!

*guarded* What kind of bullshit? Just... impossible things. Stupid things.

*irritated again* It's personal, okay? *pause, but the dam bursts; you can't keep it in* I've been thinking about us! I was thinking... about what it would be like to wake up next to you every day instead of just once a week. What it would be like to meet your family without being embarrassed. What it would be like to have a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a couple of... of... Just insane shit like that. *tears threaten* And when I was driving to hospital after hospital looking for you, I was thinking about what it would be like if I never got to tell you any of this. If some drunk asshole running a red light had put you out of my reach forever. If I would never get to lay next to you again, never get to hear your voice when you tell me about the places you've been, the things you've done, the family you love so much. All the things I never had but felt like I did because your voice and your face and your eyes made it so real. If I could never wrap my legs around you again and feel so turned on and so safe and so happy all at the same time. If I--*chokes up*

*tears stream openly now* And I was scared! And I was scared that I WAS scared! It terrified me that--that I thought about you like that. We said it right at the beginning: It was just sex. You fucked me good and I wanted you to keep fucking me. Nothing more. But when I was walking into the ER, it felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest, like if someone told me you were dead that I would never fucking recover from it. I told you about the time I OD'd, remember? How my life was so full of toxic bullshit that I needed a stronger dose than what I was used to. And I knew. On some level I knew it was dangerous. I knew what it would do to me, but I didn't care. I swear, I felt the fucking angels pulling me to the great beyond, and I didn't care. When I woke up in the hospital a week later, I was actually pissed that they didn't pull me all the way. That was the weakest I had ever been in my whole fucked up life. I swore to myself I would never sink that low again. But when the thought of never seeing you again hit me... there was a moment where I wanted to find my old dealer. To escape from that thought at all costs. And when I realized what I was thinking, I almost threw up in the hospital hallway. I didn't... I DON'T... want to feel like that about you... because it scares me...

*defeated* ...but I do. Whether I want to or not, I do.

*heavy pause*

*disbelief* What did you say? *sporadic breathing* Say it again!

You love me, too? *sobs; not "pretty", Hollywood crying; SOBS; incoherent blubbering, a litany of "oh my Gods" and wild kisses*

*deep breathing* Oh God, hold me. Never let me go. Please. Touch me. Touch me fucking everywhere. I want to feel you everywhere at once! Come on, I'll help you to the bed.

Just... just lean back and let me--let me worship you. *kisses; on his lips and trailing down his chest* Oh God, you're so hard.

*blowjob improv; glugging, etc.*

*sharp inhale* Ohhhh, I need to get on top of you. I'll try not to put too much pressure on you. *rustling of clothes; more kisses* Oh yeah, suck on those little tits. They're not much, but they're yours. Yours for as long as you live. Ohhhh... I want you inside me... NOW. *insertion* FUCK! Yes. Perfect. So perfect. I'm gonna ride you. I'm gonna ride your wonderful cock until you don't have a drop of cum left in those wonderful balls of yours. I'm taking every drop you can give, okay?

*riding improv*

*getting close* Say it. Please say it again. Say those three words. I need to hear them. I need to know I didn't imagine them. I need to know they're real. *he says them* Ohhh, Goooooooddddd...

*practically screaming* I LOVE YOU!

*explosive, mumbling, twitching orgasm improv*

That... that was the best fuck of my life.

You didn't do anything? *tearing up* No, you did everything. Everything I could have ever wanted. Now, just... lay next to me... hold me in your arms... and tell me that this is forever.