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- Zippy the Pinhead quotations
- (from various comic books and strips by Bill Griffith)
- - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
- -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
- ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
- --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
- I fed the cat. - Zippy''
- --- I have seen the FUN ---
- .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
- .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
- LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
- .. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
- .. I feel.. JUGULAR..
- .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
- .. I see TOILET SEATS...
- .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
- a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
- .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
- 14th STOREY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
- .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
- SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
- .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
- .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
- .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
- as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
- .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
- of a KOSHER DELI --
- .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
- .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
- here in DUSSELDORF!!
- .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
- a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
- .. My vaseline is RUNNING...
- .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
- JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
- .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
- .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
- of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
- PROPERTY VALUES!!
- .. One FISHWICH coming up!!
- .. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today --
- or have a VASECTOMY??
- .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into
- HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
- will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
- .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
- .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
- .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
- .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
- .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
- .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
- .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
- ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
- ich rieche PIZZA...
- .. my NOSE is NUMB!
- .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
- in MIAMI last Tuesday?
- .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
- .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
- .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
- is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!
- .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
- .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
- A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
- A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
- A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
- A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
- LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
- ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
- RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
- Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
- All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
- by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
- All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
- grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
- ... Although I don't know WHY!!
- All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
- All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
- All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
- Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
- Am I SHOPLIFTING?
- Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
- Am I elected yet?
- Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
- America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
- your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
- An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
- An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
- An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
- And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
- Are we THERE yet?
- Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
- Are we live or on tape?
- Are we on STRIKE yet?
- Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
- Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
- Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
- As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
- Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
- BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
- BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
- ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
- BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
- BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
- Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
- But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
- Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
- Bo Derek ruined my life!
- Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
- Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
- But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
- CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
- CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
- DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
- Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
- Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
- Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
- Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
- Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
- Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
- Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
- Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
- JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
- Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
- UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
- Could I have a drug overdose?
- DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
- DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
- Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
- Did I SELL OUT yet??
- Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
- Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
- Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
- Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
- in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
- Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
- Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
- Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
- straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
- and devalue the dollar!
- Do I have a lifestyle yet?
- Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
- Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
- Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
- Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
- Don't SANFORIZE me!!
- Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
- Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
- .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
- BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
- Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
- Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
- Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
- Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
- Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
- or a disaster Movie!!
- Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
- Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
- survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
- FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
- FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
- FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
- FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
- Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
- faculty dining room.
- First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
- So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
- Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
- gothic solarium!!
- GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
- to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
- Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
- my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
- Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
- Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
- Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
- HAIR TONICS, please!!
- HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
- HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
- HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
- HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
- HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
- Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
- Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
- -- I'm living for today!
- Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
- Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
- He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
- XEROX him... XEROX him --
- He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
- inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
- like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection
- to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
- I should call AL PACINO!
- Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
- Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
- Alaskan females!!
- Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
- INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
- Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
- World War III? No thanks!
- Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
- Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
- my urine sample bottles..
- Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
- anywhere!!
- Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
- Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
- Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
- Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
- drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
- Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
- island, when...
- Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
- by a TROLLEY-CAR..
- Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
- ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
- Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
- Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
- How do I get HOME?
- How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
- It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
- SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
- HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
- How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
- PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
- How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
- How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
- I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
- JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
- I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
- COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
- I Know A Joke
- I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
- I am NOT a nut....
- I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
- I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
- I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
- I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
- I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
- I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
- I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
- I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
- I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
- I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
- LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
- I demand IMPUNITY!
- I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
- I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
- just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
- .. to sell more numbers!!
- I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
- in my rear molars..
- I feel better about world problems now!
- I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
- I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
- I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
- I feel partially hydrogenated!
- I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
- of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
- the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
- I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
- I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
- I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
- I had pancake makeup for brunch!
- I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
- I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
- I have accepted Provolone into my life!
- I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
- I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
- .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
- I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
- I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
- every day from Oral Roberts!!
- I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
- I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
- a REASON to live!!
- I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
- I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
- your life savings in yeast!!
- I invented skydiving in 1989!
- I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
- I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
- I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
- But now I can't remember WHO he is...
- I just had a NOSE JOB!!
- I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
- I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
- with my LEISURE SUIT!!
- I just remembered something about a TOAD!
- I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
- I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
- I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
- I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
- I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
- I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
- I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
- I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
- six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
- I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
- I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
- I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
- about GUN CONTROL legislation..
- I represent a sardine!!
- I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
- I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
- I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
- I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
- I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
- I think my career is ruined!
- I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
- HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
- I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
- I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
- I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
- I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
- I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
- I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
- VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
- I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
- I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
- I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
- I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
- BACKWARDS!!
- I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
- formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
- I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
- I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
- I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
- I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
- I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
- I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
- I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
- I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
- I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
- I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
- I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
- I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
- I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
- I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
- miniature DOMED STADIUM...
- I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
- I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
- I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
- while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
- I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
- Equip me with MISSILES!!
- I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
- I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
- I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
- I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
- I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
- I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
- I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
- for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
- I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
- I'm definitely not in Omaha!
- I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
- I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
- I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
- I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
- of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
- I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
- I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
- I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
- I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
- I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
- in my PAJAMA POCKET??
- I'm having an emotional outburst!!
- I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
- I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
- I'm into SOFTWARE!
- I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
- PERSONAL SPACE!!
- I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
- Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
- I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
- I'm not available for comment..
- I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
- I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
- instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
- I'm rated PG-34!!
- I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
- I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
- the Latin Hustle now!
- I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
- I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
- I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
- I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
- computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
- I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
- I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
- INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
- I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
- I'm wet! I'm wild!
- I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
- I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
- I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
- you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
- I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
- INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
- If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
- If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
- will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
- If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
- If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
- If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
- If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
- Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
- If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
- for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
- of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
- If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
- a 55-year-old houseboy...
- If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
- In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
- Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
- Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
- Or are we suffering in Safeway?
- Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
- one wild afternoon??
- Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
- in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
- Is it clean in other dimensions?
- Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
- Is this TERMINAL fun?
- Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
- Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
- Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
- makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
- Isn't this my STOP?!
- It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
- It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
- from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
- It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
- It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
- an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
- WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
- It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
- It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
- It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
- JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
- their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
- Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
- Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
- can be carried too FAR!
- Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
- PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
- LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
- LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
- ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
- Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
- is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
- Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
- I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
- I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
- Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
- Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
- Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
- Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
- Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
- Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
- or a HIGHBALL??...
- Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
- Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
- MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
- MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
- MY income is ALL disposable!
- Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
- Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
- in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
- Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
- Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
- with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
- about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
- soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
- Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
- fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
- animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
- For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
- on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
- Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
- of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
- My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
- My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
- DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
- My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
- in upstate New York!!
- My EARS are GONE!!
- My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
- My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
- My haircut is totally traditional!
- My life is a patio of fun!
- My mind is a potato field...
- My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
- My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
- My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
- My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
- My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
- NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
- NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
- They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
- They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
- They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
- Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
- NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
- Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
- and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
- Now I am depressed...
- Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
- Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
- with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
- Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
- the end of World War II!
- Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round
- wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS
- and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
- Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
- SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
- Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
- Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
- and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
- Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
- OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
- FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
- OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
- and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
- it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
- WASHING MACHINES?
- ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
- to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
- TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
- THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
- OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
- and BEYOND REPAIR!!
- Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
- Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
- Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
- Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
- HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
- On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
- watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
- On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
- QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
- if only we let it!!
- On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
- without a POINT.
- Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
- FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
- Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
- It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
- We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
- MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
- Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
- at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
- and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
- PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
- PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
- PIZZA!!
- PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
- Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
- with your BOOTH!
- Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
- in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
- Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
- Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
- Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
- RELATIVES!!
- RHAPSODY in Glue!
- Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
- ONLY by prescription!!
- SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
- blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
- soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
- SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
- into empty OIL DRUMS..
- Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
- San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
- Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
- Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
- hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
- Sign my PETITION.
- So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
- Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
- Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
- Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
- ``Leave it to Beaver''!
- Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
- a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
- Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
- TAILFINS!! ...click...
- TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
- ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
- TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
- Talking Pinhead Blues:
- Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
- channel TWENTY-SIX!!
- Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
- has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
- My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
- HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
- So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
- upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
- Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
- to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
- Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
- Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
- The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
- The Korean War must have been fun.
- The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
- The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
- The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
- But they went to MARS around 1953!!
- The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
- The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
- the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
- The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
- and have since BIRTH!!
- The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
- down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
- There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
- in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
- There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
- These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
- They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
- they had no teen appeal!
- This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
- This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
- pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
- This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
- This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
- This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
- is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
- This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
- Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
- my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
- Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
- feeling for the aesthetic modules --
- Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
- TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
- Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
- Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
- I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
- UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
- by mistake!!!
- UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
- having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
- UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
- Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
- frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
- Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
- Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
- Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
- Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
- TAX-DEFERRED!
- WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
- WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
- be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
- Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
- Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
- We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
- We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
- We just joined the civil hair patrol!
- We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
- 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
- Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
- LADIES ROOM...
- Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
- VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
- Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
- EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
- Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
- I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
- I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
- Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
- What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
- What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
- What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
- What PROGRAM are they watching?
- What UNIVERSE is this, please??
- What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
- What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
- When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
- or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
- When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
- When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
- When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
- CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
- COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
- Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
- Where does it go when you flush?
- Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
- Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
- Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
- While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
- Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
- While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
- bank account.. This will have the same effect as
- two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
- Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
- Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??
- Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
- Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
- Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
- HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
- Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
- Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
- Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
- With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
- World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
- dress code!
- Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
- Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
- YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
- YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
- VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
- YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
- YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
- YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
- and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
- YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
- YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
- YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
- of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
- SEX WEEKEND!
- YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
- Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
- at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
- You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
- You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
- th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
- You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
- You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
- on a NEW CAREER!!
- You were s'posed to laugh!
- Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
- Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
- Yow!
- Yow! Am I having fun yet?
- Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
- Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
- Yow! Are we laid back yet?
- Yow! Are we wet yet?
- Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
- Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
- Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
- Yow! I threw up on my window!
- Yow! I want my nose in lights!
- Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
- Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos
- alone in a steel mill!
- Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
- Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
- Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
- Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
- Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
- Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
- Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
- when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
- Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
- Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
- Yow! We're going to a new disco!
- Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
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