Monkey Business Ch. 2 -Early Mornings

>You wake up
>Still in the nasty dirty filthy gross humid dirty dirt jungle.
>So yesterday wasn't some horrible dream. Just regular horrible real life.
>You scream as a bug the size of your first crawls onto your torso. You jump five feet into the air as you realize your entire body has become the newest hangout of insects everywhere.
>You pull all manners of beetles out of your hair.
>They have more things attached to their faces than what should be right for any living being.
"Hey, are ya gonna eat them things? 'Cus if yer just gonna chuck 'em like that I'd take 'em off your grubby paws."
>You throw the beetles at Dumptruck who devours them voraciously. He smacks and chews loudly and spits out bits of chitin onto the forest floor below.
"I really don't know what yer problem is. These things is a good source a protein, doncha know!"
>"My main source of protein doesn't have compound eyes and six legs, or try to lay eggs in me after I eat it."
"Suit yerself. Might wanna sleep up in the trees next time, kid. Tango came slithering by here last night. It's been a few weeks since he last ate, and when he eats, he eats big!"
>"So Tango's like...a boa constrictor or something?"
"Oh yeah. He's big. Longest snake in the preserve, nearly as long as my dick even!"
>He crunches on another bug like a man savoring the finest hors dourves .
"I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a pretty cool guy as long as he ain't trying to give you one of his special hugs. Just sleep up high at nights. It's just better in general."
>"How so?"

"There's a lot less hungry bastids up here. Most of them are the okay sorts who just eat when they're hungry and stick to a certain selectin. Ya got the Army Ants, Nabhi is alright, but she's the type that'd claw ya to death if you say anythings stupid. If you see any crocs, you're fine, 'cus you wouldn't even see 'em if they wanted ya dead. Just watch the antelopes if ya wanna ever go in the water."
>He looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Yeah. Thing's here are pretty alright, but if ya wanna live, you gotta play by the rules. When it's lunchtime, hide."
>"Well so far you're making everyone sound pretty damn chummy here. I just might be this big murder machine for all you know."
>He gives the loudest hoot you've ever heard and nearly falls out the tree.
"Oh, look out, we got an apex predator over here! Oh don't hurt me! Hahhahaha! Just lookit his claws! I've seen slugs with sharper teeth than yours."
>He calms down and his small, furry brow furrows.
"But listen here, Anon. There's one thing you should know, and never ever even dream of makin' a fuckin' joke about."
>He crawls down from his perch in the tree.

"If the jungle ever goes quiet, or you see everyone turn tail and run, you go high."
>The capuchin monkey comes eye level with you on the tree and leans out toward you.
"You grab onto a tree and you start climbin'. You climb and you climb until you you can't climb no more. And you don't do a thing. Don't breathe, don't blink, don't even piss yourself, no matter how scared ya are."
>His voice is a low, stern whisper.
"'Cus that means Big Red is movin' through. I'm tellin' ya to avoid preds when they hungry, yeah? Well Big Red is always hungry."
>You notice how the rest of the forest has grown quieter at the mention of its name.
"He ain't the normal sort of animal. He's down right sick in the head. Even the rangers are afraid of him. Y'see, Big Red, he killed one of the elephant Matriarchs. She stepped on his tail or something and he got mighty jealous. Well, that raised a stink, yeah? So the Rangers pooled together all their darts and nets and traps and went out to catch him..."
>Holy shit, he is like so close to your face right now.
"Well, they didn't catch him. But he did get a few a dem. Even Blue Sky gets nervous when he's in the area, and she ain't a afraid of anything. He's bigger and faster and stronger than anything you ever seen. And you hope you never see him...'cus it'd be like...the last thing ya see. 'Cus yer dumbass'll dead, and all that'll be left is a pile of shit and bones, and all uf us laughin' at ya."
>He slaps you.
>"The hell was that for?"
"'Cus you're so damn ugly, that's why."

>He belches.
"I'm thirsty, follow me, I'll show ya the primate's prime spot for chilling and refreshment. It's like the VIP club of da jungle!"
>"Do they have a place for me to wash my shirt?"
"You mean that piss-rag you keep crying into? I guess, listen, just don't act weird or embarass me or nuffin'."
>"Deal enough."
>He hoots again and begins to swing away.
>You briefly consider making your way to the ranger station again, but the fact was you DIDN'T know the hunting patterns of the animals here, and that could land you in deep crap. It could lead to you BECOMING crap!
>Besides, you'd doubt Ranger Running Trails would give you a warm reception after yesterday.
>You really didn't want to be shot up full of tranqs again.
>Fuck. You can't even go up to buildings anymore without fear of being shot at.
>So once again, you trail over broken logs and rocks and bugs.
>What kind of hell did Rarity leave you in?
>You hope she's having a real miserable time right now.


MEANWHILE!
>You are Rarity and everything is perfect.
>You wake up to Celestia's beautiful sun glowing through your perfectly clean windows.
>A small, unbelievably cute yawn slips from your mouth.
>You slip quickly out of your cool, freshly pressed bedsheets and open the window.
>Rainbow actually started early for once and has cleared the sky of all clouds! You can see Equestria for miles and miles and miles!
>And Anon is nowhere to be found in any of them!
>You rub your forehooves and giggle sweetly.
>And bird lands on your windowsill and chirps out your favorite song.
"Oh, for me? You sweet little thing, you shouldn't have.
>The bird blushes and flitters away into the impossibly bright sky.
>Opal brushes against you, purring happily.
>You make your bed, sculpt your hair, manage your face and perfect your coat.
>You are dazzling.
>You are always dazzling.
>It's going to be a Rarity-rific day!
>The Carousel Boutique is set to open in five minutes.
>You unlock the door.
>Oh look, it's an important client from Canterlot.
>It's ALWAYS an important client from Canterlot.
>He wants to order twenty dresses and is willing to pay an amount of bits only an important client from Canterlot is able to offer. You bat your wonderful eyelashes and graciously accept his patronage.
>You step outside and breathe deep. The air is the freshest its ever smelled or tasted, and the town's colors have never seemed so vibrant.
"Oh Rarity, you are as brillaint as you are beautiful. Sending him away was the best thing you've ever done."
>You hum a fanciful little diddy and sway your head gently.
>Oh yes, every day is going to be Rarity-rific from now on.
>And you'll do everything in your considerable power to keep it that way.

MEANWHILE!
>You are Princess Celestia
>And today is much like any other.
>And you are reviewing the Royal Decrees made in the past month.
>Your lovely 300 year old oaken desk is piled high with the silly things.
>It's a lot of work, but as ruler of Equestria you like to know what others approve under your name.
>It's just common sense, really.
>You levitate your cup of tea to your nose and breathe deeply.
>The aroma was heady in the sweetest of ways. Today might not be so bad.
>For several hours, you go over the decrees. Tax modifications here, noise pollution ordinances there. Hmm hmm hmmm.
>Boooorrriiiinig.
>You see one that mentions Anonymous.
>Hmm, how could that one slip by you?
>You read it.
>Oh...
>You smile.
>This was something you could have fun with.
>And you do so love having fun.