My letter

I am writing this because I want you to know what went down on that day you messaged me
I haven't handled this the best way, disrespecting the no contact rule and not being able to move on properly.
The constant feeling deep down in my heart how "she doesn't wanna hear my voice again, look how happy she is without you". I am constantly reminding myself with common sense how you need time and wanna continue as good friends after time is right.
I am trying my best to fight this thought with my sense. If my messaging gets out of control, don't be afraid to mute me a bit but I will do my best that you don't have to.

The previous night before the trip there were some clear signs that everything wasn't ok between us, like me saying love you and you not saying it back in call normally, tone of voice etc.
Deep down in my heart I knew something wasn't right with you but my brain was so focused on upcoming trip and my job that I ignored it.
Somehow I managed to convince myself that it was just regular anxiety thing and I just need to give it time. I am truly sorry about being so stubborn

There are these thoughts in my mind like if I just started asking is everything ok instead of trying to finish those two songs for the karaoke. You even wanted to play straight after my work but I just gave excuses.
It was probably too late on that point but maybe we could have discussed it and I would have accepted it sooner.

When I got your message I went into completly panic mode, my whole world collapsed feeling. I started giving answers you wanted hear, saying like its fine, I understand etc. You probably got suprised a bit, who knows.
We still had 2 hours left to the cottage and during the whole trip I was frozen, just stared outside the car window, almost puked and suffered from huge stomach pains.
When we finally arrived to the cottage. I greeted my friends and told we broke up and it was a mutual agreement. This was me hiding my feelings the best way I can and then we started to chat and drink.
After a few beers I said I'm gonna go nap to my friends, this was a full lie and I just went to the empty room, found a corner and cried for over an hour.

Devasteted, I started to go bit crazy and started making plans like a maniac how I am gonna change now and I started telling my friends how I will make you wanted again.
This was  me not being able to accept things and thank god this phase ended soon since I chatted you more on discord and you told this won't work.
Later that night crying for help voice mail where I let everything out, promising I wanna change and please give me another change. You responded calmy how you still didn't wanna continue this relationship

The next day (friday) I tried messaging you again and saying how I just wanted to talk, you went out of town and said we can talk later. I realised you probably got worried from my voice mail
because I remembered how your previous partner threatened to do self harm after you wanted to leave his abusive relationship. You were still out at town.
I made a emotional but calm voice mail because I didn't want you to worry. You responded you were glad that I was able to talk about it with your friends.
There were a couple people who broke up with similar issues: not being able to balance work and relationship, talking too little. Having those people helped me for rest of the cottage.

One guy also took me for long forest walk and we talked about everything from my situation, mine and his friendship, our cottage community, his previous relationship etc.
That was really supportive and made me enjoy more for the meetup. Enough about this, going a bit back in tim because you gave me a change before which is why I understand your love can't continue

At some point, before that 2019 March cottage trip, I started taking things for granted. Forgetting to tell you stuff and not talking.
I really hurt you when I didn't tell in advance and just disappeared for that trip next day. I started feeling bad and this is where I promised to change first time.
I remember messaging you how I was sorry and felt really bad. I quickly decided I had enough and I quit streaming because I wanted to spend more time with you.

I did actually change for little bit. But quickly after few weeks I started taking things for granted again.
I also started getting pressure from my family that I need to get a job, (I had been 15 months unemployed) and that started to stress me out. This is not an excuse but it did happen.
I continued talking bit for you but clearly not enough even you constantly told me that we should talk more, giving obivious hints. I thought I didnt have anything to talk to even tho I did.
Again when we met last time on May, it was easy to talk to you and we did lot of great things. But even at your place I was bit too much focused on my work, taking things for granted.
You clearly wanted to talk how your feeling isn't gone, I did not give you enough support and it just get growing to the point we are now.


Why is this so hard to keep distance, why I have constantly broke no contact rule. I starts from all the way down when we started talking on private.
You were the first person in my life who accepted me how I truly was. Even my so called best friends today don't really know me.
Never in my first 21 years I was able to tell anyone how I really was. All those things: my feminine side, liking cute stuff, being caring, being emotional boy, you accepted me.
That made me so happy, it gave me lot of self-confidence. You changed my whole life. During this week I have also told Marsa and Lape things about me, my feelings and how I am really as a person. They want to be good friends with me.
They have given me really good support and helped me to process.

Take as much time you need, it will be worth in the end if it saves our friendship. I would love to talk about all our common interests, maybe try new stuff.
I am really looking forward you being one of my best friends.


Wishing your all the best
Your friend
Henri

PS. Writing this for hours was really good processing, I might have cried 90 % of the time I wrote this bit I feel much more calm now.