Forged Destiny [Book 2: Ch. 9]

My eyes strayed left and right but there was nothing else to focus on. "Why are you telling me this? Why bring this up at all?"

"Because you've been upset about your kill for several days now. You can't keep beating yourself up over that."

"Blake," I warned, voice even.

"Yours was self-defence, and more than that, you helped defend other people from harm as well."

My hands felt clammy, even before my stomach started to roll. That kill… it wasn't something I wanted to talk about, and an event I'd hoped everyone would forget. "Can't we talk about something else?" I asked.

"You probably feel guilty," Blake said, "and that's normal. If you keep all of that bottled up, however, then you'll be distracted and get into trouble later. I… when I first killed someone, I felt sick to my stomach. Straight after, I started to throw up in the grass. I huddled into a ball and didn't want to move."

"Blake, this really isn't necessary."

Blake's hands settled on my chest, to keep me in place or to balance herself, I had no idea, but her eyes stared up into mine. "I think it is," she said. "You can't hide away from this forever. We might as well talk about it here, it's not like there's anything else to do. Compared to the others, I'm more likely to have insight as well. I've dealt with the feeling of having killed. I'm not sure they have."

My eyes rolled back in frustration. Couldn't she take the hint? No, I knew she could, but it was rather she decided it worthwhile to ignore it and push on. That was admirable, I supposed, but not in this situation. "I don't want to talk about this."

"Why," she asked, "because you feel guilty over it?"

My teeth gritted together. "Yes."

"Jaune, that's perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with that."

Something inside of me snapped. It came out as a chuckle first, and then a full-blown laugh as my body shook under her hands. "It's normal, is it?" I asked, once I'd gotten myself under control. "It's perfectly normal for me to feel guilty about what I did? About killing that person?"

Blake looked at me. There was concern in her eyes, but also something else. "Yes." she said. "Everyone feels it."

"I didn't."

Her mouth opened but no sound came out. The Assassin, for all her wise words, seemed surprised… shocked, even.

"I didn't feel guilty when I killed that Berserker," I repeated. "Do you know what I felt, Blake? I felt elated. I stood there with a bloody sword in one hand, my life in the other, and as she heaved and spat at me, I asked myself – is this real? Did I, Jaune Arc, just kill a real Hero? Did I just kill someone dangerous, all on my own – without the help of Pyrrha or Blake?" My hands shivered but I kept my eyes locked onto hers. "When I realised I did, I felt the most incredible rush of pride – of victory. I didn't feel guilty at all, Blake. I felt alive."

"But…" Blake looked me up and down, as though she couldn't quite believe my words. "You were so quiet afterwards," she said. "You looked troubled. You wouldn't talk about it and you kept washing your sword to get the blood out."

She'd watched me that much? I didn't know whether to feel worried or flattered, but right now my emotions were locked onto disgust and self-hate. I looked away from her, unwilling to meet her eyes for fear of what they'd reveal. "I was troubled," I said, "because I'd just found out what kind of monster I am. You said it yourself, Blake. It's normal for people to feel bad, to feel sick or afraid about what they did." I waved a hand dismissively, my heart heavy in my chest. "What does that make me, someone who would actually feel pleased with what they'd just done? What does it make me when it's normal to be guilty and the only guilt I feel is about not feeling guilty?"

—Forged Destiny [Book 2: Ch. 9]